In Search of Lost Time*

She decided she to stop looking at her watch; it was just too depressing and, frankly, she no longer had any interest in knowing just long she has been sitting on this bench staring up at the apartment building. The logical, rational part of her knew that she was being silly, almost cowardly. There could be no doubt that he had to be told or that she was the one who must do it. It made sense in every way: her geographic position was closest to his, she was the leader of the scouts, and she's the closest to Usagi (or at least that's what she used to think… before she had found out all that Usagi had been keeping secret). But beyond that, there was something else, something she couldn't define… Unbidden a memory came to her, one from an old not quite forgotten life. This had been happening more and more lately and she knew there was no point fighting it, so instead she closed her eyes and allowed it to overtake her. And there they all were, sitting, as they so often did in those last few weeks, in a hidden garden attached to one the Earth Kingdom's many palaces. War was coming, but none of them knew. They sat there, stupid and naïve, completely oblivious to the fact that they would all soon be dead: her princess and their prince, her friends, her lover… all of them perched on the edge of destruction.

It was a perfect day, one in which joy fed on joy and the air seemed lighter with the ever increasing happiness. On some level they knew they were being irresponsible, that all of them had things they should be doing, but then they would see the delighted look on the face of the Moon Princess, whose body was actually, literally glowing and they could not believe that what they were doing was wrong. Her head was cradled in the prince's lap while he ran his hands through her hair and murmured gently into her ear; the general quietness of the moment was intermittently broken by her giggles. Around them, similarly paired off, were their protectors who were also using soft voices that were not meant to be overheard. Eventually, however, Venus** felt compelled to go to her princess and ask when they would return, knowing that their absence was bound to be noticed soon. Serenity gracefully sat up and looked at her highest ranking scout appraisingly.

"As you wish, cousin," the princess finally said, getting the attention of the other scouts. Venus might have felt more relief if she didn't recognize the playful glint in her princess's familiar eyes. A quick glance to her fellow scouts, all of them looking expectantly at their princess with various degrees of amusement, and Venus began to prepare herself. "But I have only one request before we leave," Venus could see how hard Serenity was working to keep her face and voice as serious as possible.

"What do you wish, Princess?" Venus's voice was hesitant.

"That you admit that I was right and that you were wrong." Bewildered, Venus blinked at her and studiously ignored everyone else's chuckles.

"I am sorry, Princess, but I do not believe I understand your meaning." Which wasn't quite true, but Venus wanted to buy some time.

Serenity raised a delicate eyebrow, "Somehow I doubt that very much, but very well, cousin, if you need reminding I am happy to do so. I want nothing more than to hear you admit that I was not so wrong in coming to Earth and that, in fact, there is much here that is," she coughed, playing the role of the innocent princess excellently, "shall we say, worth experiencing?" She glanced at Malachite before continuing, "I think I would not be wrong in saying that you yourself have certainly found something here that has captured your interest." Serenity looked at her with impassive eyes, but her lips kept twitching and her struggle was made even more difficult by the silent mirth of her companion—the prince now shaking with laughter. Venus was also attempting to keep her face expressionless despite the growing blush. She took some consolation in the fact that she would be able to punish Mercury, Mars, and Jupiter for their laughter later that day in training.

"I suppose," Venus began hesitantly, "I do not mind admitting that you were right to suggest that we come to Earth. Though perhaps your descriptions of some of its inhabitants," she tilted her head to the man sitting behind her, "might have been a little too kind." She was satisfied that that at least got Malachite to stop laughing. Serenity was silent, deciding if she would accept Venus's answer. Finally after a few moments, she deemed herself satisfied and launched herself at her cousin with her very familiar and much loved tinkling laugh.

Untangling herself from her Venus, Serenity sat back up and said, "You see, cousin, you must never doubt me again! As I knew from the first moment that I came to this planet, it was fate that brought us all together and only fate, I think, that could separate us." She looked at all of her companions warmly, "If we ever could be separated, of course, but I begin to think that such a thing will prove impossible. Already we are all of us bound to each other and it is a bond that can only get stronger." They all smiled at her exuberance (she seemed to be glowing even brighter now), but Malachite couldn't help the snort at her saccharine words.

She turned to him with a gentle smile and sighed, "So now it is you who will doubt me." Then she tilted her head and studied him for a moment before laughing, "You know, I think you and all of your doubts will make a fitting companion for the Goddess of Love. In fact, I believe when all is said and done, you more than most will understand just how powerful that force is... But not today, I think," she shook her head again, "No not today, for you do not yet see it."

Malachite couldn't help it, "See what, m'lady?"

He watched as the almost childish happiness faded. She was now looking at him with eyes that were suddenly old and wise, seeming more like the Moon Goddess than he had ever seen her. "There is a strange relationship," she said in almost trance-like voice, "that exists between people that share those things which they hold closest to their heart. You will one day come to understand that the things that you, Malachite, and that I most cherish are one and the same, and that this is also true of Endymion and my cousin, of any of your Shitennou and my Senshi. It is for this reason that we are bound and will continue to be so, whatever tests we will face." Her eyes closed and the rest were silent with shock at the abrupt change in mood.

When she finally spoke again, her voice was stronger and her eyes brighter. "But my cousin was right," her mouth quirked up, "when she said it was long past when we should have returned." She stood up and looked back at the Senshi, who were all still seated, and smiled, "To tell you the truth, I fear all of us have been quiet irresponsible." She held a hand to her prince, returning his look of poorly repressed wonder with one of amusement.

"You never cease to surprise me, Princess, every time we meet, you seem different. Tell me, are there other parts of you I don't know?"***

She laughed before kissing him. "Naturally, and it's my intention to keep you guessing for the rest our lives."

"Do you promise?" but before she could answer she was interrupted by a loud cough coming from behind them. She turned with eyebrows arched to the Senshi and Shitennou, all wearing looks of delight and disgust.

Serenity rolled her eyes and turned back to Endymion and brought her hand to his cheek, "Until we meet again, my Prince." She kissed him and he closed his eyes, knowing that when he opened them she would be gone in a beam of bright light. He opened his eyes just in time to see the other planetary princesses making similar exits.

The memory, like her past self, was fading but Mina still managed to hear Jadeite whispering to the prince: "Do you two always have to be so cute?"

Mina opened her eyes and shook her head in an attempt to clear her chaotic thoughts. These memories were an extra complication in an already complicated time. Ever since she got that call from Rei, she found herself assaulted by more and more memories of her courtly life. The particularly annoying thing was that she would have otherwise have loved to have these memories. All of the Senshi, she knew, had struggled to remember their past lives and now it seemed they were finally being allowed, but she just wished it was happening some other way at some other time. She didn't need them now, not when everything was already so confused. And these memories were confusing; it now seemed to her that lines were being blurred, that the past was encroaching upon the present in unexpected, unwanted ways. It was beginning to fill her head with doubts about her current path.

She had no choice, much as she hated it, to attribute this to the return of the Shitennou (or, she corrected herself angrily, more like to her becoming aware of their return). This was not something she needed right now, it just wasn't. One thing she couldn't help but notice was how much less complicated everything seemed to be in her memories. The relationship between herself and the princess was clearly delineated (at least on Venus's side). No matter what else, the Senshi were guards first and foremost, and whatever friendships (even the one shared with the princess) or romances they might have had were second at best. At first this idea was difficult for her to accept, it seemed so cold, but the more memories she experienced the more she realized just how satisfied Venus had been.

Of course Serenity hadn't been, she knows that now too, and in another situation she might have happily talked to Usagi about all of this, but now… Though Mina hated to even think about it, she couldn't help but feel an almost irrational amount of anger towards her best friend. Usagi had kept so many things secret, and it really hurt her, hurt all of them. She had spent much of the past few days communicating with all of the other scouts and she knew that she wasn't the only one upset. It was going to be a tense few weeks as they all started their return journeys.

Mamoru couldn't take it any longer. He had known almost the moment Mina had arrived (several hours ago now) and he couldn't wait any more for her to pluck up the courage or whatever it was she needed to come and ring the doorbell. He had been expecting this, of course, the arrival of one of the Senshi. He knew a day would come when they would all have to return to Tokyo and face their future. He was almost surprised by how little he felt with regards to this situation. He thought he might at least be a little resentful of the thought of being summoned, though actually he thought he would miss Tokyo more so he supposed you never could tell.****

With a quick trip down the stairs, out the door, and across the street, he found himself at the bench that Mina was currently occupying. He sat down next to her and was only somewhat bothered by the fact that she was so caught up in her own thoughts that he didn't notice him. He sat there for a few more moments, hoping that the infamous senses of the leader of the scouts would kick in soon, but when they didn't, he simply sighed and decided to take matters into his own hands.

Making sure his hand was just barely touching hers so he could get a read on her, he said in his most casual tone, "Do you know how long you've been out here?" The effect was instantaneous. Through his powers he knew he had seriously startled her, but was impressed by how well she hid that in her expression, which remained as unreadable as it had been when he sat down.*****

"No," she responded, also using her casual voice, "I stopped checking my watch, it wasn't helping."

"Were you scared to come up?"

She looked at him sharply before sighing, "It's never fun to be the bearer of bad news."

"Bad news? What bad news?" He was glad that there wasn't going to be any small talk, just straight to the point.

"It's Usagi."

"It almost always is." Even he knew how strangely unemotional he sounded, and he could tell that Mina was clearly startled. Maybe he just needed to hear what had actually happened before he got too worried.

All Mamoru could ever remember hearing from this particular part of the conversation was strangely truncated phrases. "...It's her parents… an accident… almost a year ago… nobody knew… didn't want us to know." He also remembers the strange feeling of a fog settling in his brain, slowing down his thoughts and making it impossible for him to respond. He knows that there was a long silence afterwards, not exactly uncomfortable, but hardly normal either, especially since neither could bring themselves to look at the other. They continued to sit there on the bench, side by side and saying nothing for some immeasurable amount of time. Mamoru had long since moved his hand, no longer interested in getting any sort of reading on Mina.

As both of them were, to some degree or another, soldiers, they couldn't completely shut off their minds, so even as they both sat there seeing absolutely nothing, Mamoru couldn't help but observe that their strange mood seemed to be affecting the space around them. The few people who were out and about seemed to be navigating through the same stupor. Mina meanwhile was still preoccupied by her thoughts on that long gone time, which would always guide her back to the princess.

Finally Mina speaks: "It was easier back then… On the moon I mean… Or at least things were a lot clearer."

"How much do you remember?"

"Not as much as I'd like, but I think that's true of all of us." She was hoping he might say something, but when he didn't she decided to prompt him. "I always wondered it maybe you and Usagi might… If you two remember more than the rest of us."

"Honestly, I don't remember that much either," his tone became thoughtful, "but I think Usagi does… We never talked about it though… I think…" He had to struggle to force his thoughts together, "I think there's something about that time that she can't quite… handle. But I'm just guessing though, like I said, we never talked about it… There was this kind of unspoken agreement that it was important to keep the past and present separate… We are and aren't those people."

Before she could stop herself, she blurted, "What's going on between you two?"

He chuckled and was sorely tempted to shrug, but some deep, almost buried part of him was begging that he answer or at least think about the question.******

Before he could find an answer, Mina, sincerely regretting her question, said, "You don't have to answer… I shouldn't have asked."

Mamoru finally looked at her and gave her a small smile, "No, it's fine… I was just thinking…" he sighed, "I honestly don't know how to answer your question… That might be the problem right there, actually… Something's changed, but I can't quite… I don't know," a frustrated hand viciously cut through his hair, "It's almost like our bond has been… muted?" Silence, "You know, sometimes it seems like Tuxedo Mask and the Prince and all of that was just some strange dream, Crystal Tokyo even more so. And the farther I get away from it, the more it just sort of… fades, I guess." Like it always did when he attempted any serious thought about this part of his life, a strange, but not all together unpleasant fog descended upon his mind. Normally he allowed it to distract him, but this time he tried to fight it. "Nothing's happened between us, if that's what you're asking, but that cuts both ways. Because literally, nothing has happened between us in almost a year—no letters, no phone calls—and sometimes it's hard not to confuse that with there being nothing between us at all.

"But what's really strange is that I can't quite seem to place when this shift occurred. I can't find the root of the problem, so to speak. And I can't…" he suddenly sounded anxious, almost afraid, and he couldn't quite look at Mina anymore, "I don't feel all that upset about it, either. I don't really understand… I feel like I should be upset, but I'm just… not." Suddenly he felt exhausted, almost as though he'd just won some battle. He found he had no more words left and so simply sat there in silence, waiting for Mina to lose that shocked expression. Clearly she hadn't expected him to respond, let alone to be so open. Usa had always wondered that he wasn't closer to the scouts, assuming that they, like she did, all considered each other family. And they did, but for Mamoru, at least, that feeling wasn't enough to break through a reserve that was both natural to his personality and also a result of having lost his family at so young an age.

Now it was her turn to break his reverie, "Thank you… for answering, I mean," he could tell that she was suddenly unsure of herself. When she next spoke it was with a quiet, uncertain voice, "I think that you know what I mean… I've been feeling something similar." Mamoru wanted to say something, maybe some sort of excuse. He wanted to say maybe it wasn't such a bad thing that they were getting some distance from all of their… the only term he could think of was cosmic baggage. He even wanted to say that maybe it was natural that they should start finding fulfillment in their current lives. And a part of him even believed it, and he suspects that were he to walk away right now, were he to leave and never look back, that part of him would just continue to grow. But he also knew he couldn't do that, that he shouldn't do that, even though he wasn't entirely clear on whether or not he wanted to do that. Because the problem was, no matter how much he tried to convince himself that this was natural, normal even, some nagging part of his brain knew that it wasn't. And though he might not be willing to ascribe this feeling of detachment to some sinister force, he couldn't escape that this was the work of… something. For his sake, for all of their sakes even, he was determined to figure out what.

But before he could voice these tangled thoughts, Mina again broke through, "There's something else you need to know. It's the Shitennou… They're… Mamoru, the Shitennou are back."

Well, he certainly wasn't expecting that.

*Because who doesn't love a reference to Marcel Proust?

**I don't know if this has come up before, I might have mentioned it in the last chapter, but I really have no interest in giving the scouts names in the Silver Millennium. I'm sure they had them, but I certainly don't know them and most of the attempts that I've read to give them names usually both me. Plus, I always think of the SilMil being way formal, so it sort of makes sense that they would usually be referred to as scouts first.

***So this is pretty much something I took directly from the manga (specifically Volume 2 of the TOKYOPOP) where Tuxedo Mask comes to 'Tokyo Tower' right before he is stabbed and it's revealed that Usagi is the actual Moon Princess.

****Especially when your girlfriend is accidently sending massive amounts of magic at you…

*****As mentioned, I'm a big fan of the manga over the anime so Mamoru having is psychometry is a must for me.

******So the impulse to kind of laugh off the question and his general state of apathy is caused by the crystal, but it seems like some of its effects are starting to fade… So here's the question: is this the result of him fighting the crystal or is it the result of something on Usagi's end, like she's the one slipping.