The Road to Recovery

By: Jamie Sommers

Chapter Twelve: Resolutions

For those that have read this story in the past, I'm certain you'll notice the changes in this chapter. For those that have never read it, I do hope you enjoy it. Only a few more chapters left of this story before its conclusion. I have based this on the fabulous books (thanks Suzanne), the incredible movies and my wild imagination. A big thank you to my friends and editors, Broadway Baby and Abby. Thank you to foxyliciouss (on tumblr) for making my absolutely gorgeous new story banner which can be seen on my tumblr page (jamiesommers23).

The song featured in this chapter is, Talking to the Moon, by Bruno Mars.

Happy Reading.

The Road to Recovery

Walking to the bedroom, hand in hand, felt like the start of something new for Peeta and me. My concerns about my feelings for him were no longer at the forefront of my mind. We had decided to take our relationship slowly from this point on, and that was a big relief to me. I guess I thought it had to be all or nothing with Peeta. I either had to commit to loving him for the rest of my life – an emotion I wasn't very good at expressing – or I'd have to say goodbye to him. The idea that we could take time to learn all the little, intimate details about one another had never crossed my mind. Peeta had been certain of his feelings for me lately, and I didn't think he'd accept anything less from me. Now that I knew starting over was an option, saying the words, I love you, out loud didn't make me feel like I was being pressured into a life altering commitment. If and when I told him I loved him, it would be because I wanted to, not because I had to say it in order to keep him in my life.

I glanced at Peeta as he laid his shirt over a chair and I swear I could feel my heart smiling in anticipation of what was to come.

"What are you staring at?" He asked me; pulling me from my trance.

"I'm just thankful you're here with me," I told him, and in that moment, I made the decision to stop hiding my feelings from him. If I was worried, I'd tell him. If I was scared, I'd tell him, and if I was happy, I'd tell him that too.

"I'm glad I'm here too," he smiled sweetly before pulling his shoes and socks off.

What a remarkable feeling it was to crawl into bed with him that night. To reach out and feel him reaching back stirred a mixture of emotions within me, but it was the stabbing pain of regret in my chest that really got to me. I knew I had missed having him next to me at night, but the emptiness I felt while we were apart was so overwhelming that the moment he was in my arms, and there were no questions or bitterness between us, his absence hit me full force. "I didn't realize how much I missed you until this very second," my words came out in a strangled whisper against his cheek.

Peeta's arms doubled around my back as he squeezed me tighter, "I know what you mean."

The house was dark and quiet with the exception of the sound of our breathing and the streams of moonlight causing shadows to dance through our bedroom. The cool air blowing through the window accentuated the warmth our bodies created beneath the blankets. I brushed my fingertips along the sides of Peeta's face; pulling far enough away to look into his eyes, and found him staring at me so ardently, I gulped. The jolt of desire that shot through me went clear to my toes.

The corner of Peeta's mouth curled humorously and he placed a very soft peck against my lips. From the look in his eyes I was sure he was going to kiss me much more thoroughly than that, but he didn't. He let out a soft sigh, put a little distance between us, and said, "Okay. Tell me something I don't know about you."

"Huh?" I hadn't expected him to say that.

"We're getting to know one another, remember? So tell me something I don't know about you." Resting his forehead against mine, he quietly said, "I want to know you." He paused before adding, "All of you."

"You know mostly everything there is to know, Peeta." There really wasn't all that much to me.

"That's not true and we both know it," he said with a teasing smirk.

I took a moment to think about the things I had done in my life – there were plenty of things I wasn't proud of – and found that I really didn't want Peeta to see me for the selfish person I was, as he did when we were in Thirteen. "I…umm—" I turned to the side, because facing him actually hurt. I couldn't even keep my promise to myself and tell him the truth about the way I was feeling.

"Hey," Peeta's bent knuckle beneath my chin, guided my eyes back to his. "Do you trust me?"

"Yes," I answered without even having to think about it.

"Then trust me with your past, Katniss." He stroked my back and caressed my cheeks with his gaze. "Please," he quietly begged, and I could no longer refuse him.

"I didn't like who I became after my father died…" I confided a few things to him that didn't show me in the best light. I told him how difficult my life was after that fateful day when the mine blew – which he knew better than anyone outside of my immediate family – but there were plenty of things he didn't know. I told him how I had started to grow hard inside, how angry I had been with my mother, how I resented the people from the Capitol because of where they lived, and stopped doing the one thing I loved to do. "There simply wasn't anything to sing about anymore," I rested my hand against his heart and my head in the crook of his arm. "No matter how many smiles I plastered on my face for Prim's benefit, deep inside, I was so bitter towards life…towards the Capitol." I let out a sigh. "I blamed them for everything wrong with my life, but it wasn't all their fault. I mean, look at you, Peeta. Your life was just as hard as mine." I voice got softer, "In some ways it was even harder," I glanced up at him, expecting to see some sort of reaction at my comment in regards to his abusive childhood, but there was none, so I continued. "Yet, you greeted each day with a smile on your face. You were kind to people." I thought about the crowd that always surrounded him in the hallways at school. "Know what I remember the most about you growing up?"

"I didn't think you really noticed me all that much."

"No. I did."

I could tell he was surprised at my comment. "Tell me what you noticed."

"I noticed the way people always laughed when they talked to you." I drew a pattern on his chest with my finger and admitted, "I didn't even talk to the only girl in school that considered me her friend – not until after the first Games anyway." I hung my head in shame; wishing I could go back in time and take full advantage of my friendship with Madge.

With regret filling me up, the silence between us grew thick, until Peeta broke it. "That's one of the things I always found intriguing about you," he grinned crookedly at me. "All the girls around me would be talking about the guys they were interested in or their hair…who was pretty…who wore what…" he gave his head a shake. "But not you. You and Madge used to sit there in complete silence, and it looked so peaceful…comfortable. I used to wonder if you two would have let me join you there." He blew out a small breath and said wistfully, "To be able to spend a few minutes in complete silence, just enjoying the people in your company…" his hand grazed over my hip and up my side till he rested it on my waist. "God, how I longed for that back then."

"With your penchant for talking, Peeta, I'm not sure our table would have been all that quiet." He joined me in a chuckle. "All your friends probably would have followed you over to our table and started talking about things I'd have never understood or wanted to for that matter."

"You mean you wouldn't enjoy talking about the ribbons you were making for your hair or the boys you were dating?" We both laughed at the absurdity of it all.

"I sincerely doubt it, since I've never been on a date."

The humor in Peeta's eyes faded away when he asked, "You seriously never dated anyone? At all?"

"Nope," I shook my head.

"I won't get mad if you tell me you did, you know?"

"I know," I snuggled into his arms and rested the flat of my hand on his beating heart. "But there's nothing to tell." I chuckled to myself and said, "The closest thing I've had to a date was our picnic in the cave and our day on the roof of the Tribute Center."

I could hear Peeta's, "Hmmm," and felt him press a kiss against the top of my head. He started stroking his hand up and down my spine; lulling me into a state of deep relaxation.

Our conversation tonight was unexpectedly pleasant. Sure, I opened up to him about things I didn't particularly like about myself, but afterward I felt a sense of relief. It felt good getting some of that off of my chest and letting Peeta into a part of my life I had so closely guarded. As I dozed off, the sense of fulfillment I felt seeped into my sleep, and I had a sweet dream about my sister and Rue playing with Lady in the meadow by our old house in the Seam.

I woke up in the morning and my first thought was, I smell bacon. He's making me bacon. I smiled behind closed eyes, felt Buttercup brush against my foot, and sat up to pet the wretched thing. The cat and I still had a hate-hate relationship, but we understood one another. Buttercup quickly got sick of my petting him so he jumped off of the bed and hissed at me when he landed. Naturally, I hissed back. "You're forgetting that I can still drown you." By now, I was convinced that the cat really did have nine lives and he knew it. As he slunk out of the room; making sure to give me one last glare, I chuckled to myself and thought, I have no doubt that if I were a cat, I'd be you, Buttercup.

"What're you laughing at?" Peeta walked into my room with a tray in his hands.

"Buttercup," I answered while my mouth watered from the mere scent of food on his tray. On it was bacon, eggs, rolls, juice and, "Oh my God! Where did you get hot chocolate from?"

"I'll never tell." He placed the tray over my lap and sat on the opposite side of it. "Are you sure you don't mind that I leave you here alone today?" Peeta had some business to take care of with the bakery and needed to spend some time in town. "I'd ask you to come with me, but I'm going to be pretty busy." He ripped off a piece of the roll and dunked it into his hot chocolate.

"Peeta, I'm not going to curl up in some closet because you're not in the same room with me." I took a mouthful of eggs and bit into the bacon. "Mmmm."

"Like it?"

"Mmmm hmmm." My mouth was full.

"I think I'm getting better at this cooking business. Guess it didn't hurt spending my life around an oven."

I swallowed and said, "You're a much better cook than I could ever be."

"You're just saying that so you won't have to cook."

"You know me too well," I said drolly.

Peeta finished off his roll and hot chocolate then gave me a kiss on the forehead. "I'll see you later." Before he left the room he turned and asked, "Katniss? Would you go out on a date with me tonight?"

I raised my eyebrows and said, "Peeta, you just woke up in my bed. I think we're past the dating thing, don't you?" I knew we were going slowly, but that was more like moving backwards.

"Humor me."

I could see by the look on his face this meant a lot to him, and honestly, the idea of going on a real date was…exciting. "In that case. Yes. I'd love to go on a date with you tonight."

His entire face lit up when he asked, "Do you still have any of Cinna's clothes left?"

"I have almost everything." The houses in Victor's Village were kept in pristine order during the war, which I found to be odd, but I was grateful that Cinna's beautiful designs still lived on in my closet. "You always look special when you wear one of his dresses. I'll pick you up at 5:00." He turned and left.

Though he hadn't come right out and said it, it was obvious that Peeta wanted me to wear one of Cinna's designs on our date tonight, and I knew exactly which one I would wear. I finished my breakfast, with Buttercup's help. Damn cat wouldn't leave me alone until I fed him some bacon. Brought my tray downstairs and washed the plates that were on it. Peeta had cleaned up the rest of the breakfast dishes.

It was just past ten in the morning and I really didn't have anything to do with my day until it was time to get ready for my date. My eyes began to dart from side to side as the thought struck me. I have no clue how to get ready for a date. Thankfully I knew a few people that were experts at that sort of thing.

I searched the drawer next to the telephone and found what I had been looking for then made the call and hoped I didn't wake her up.

"Hellooooh," a sing song voice answered.

"Hello, Octavia. It's Katniss." Her high pitched squeal practically burst my ear drum. "How are you?"

"Oh, Katniss I'm doing quite well. Quite well. And you? How are you doing? I was so worried when Haymitch informed us that you weren't coming to the Capitol with him. I thought maybe you were still…ill, but you sound much better than the last time I spoke with you. You are better, aren't you?"

"Yes. I'm actually doing very well."

"Then why on earth wouldn't you come to the Capitol to get away?" She asked as though my banishment to Twelve was an actual punishment for me. If she only knew that's how I felt about going to the Capitol.

"I didn't want to leave Peeta, and he's not up to traveling yet." Plus the people that sentenced me are afraid that we'll start another uprising if we're seen together outside of Twelve, I thought, but didn't say.

She began to sigh and talk about how sweet we were together. That she was certain we would last a lifetime, and she wished she could find someone like him.

When she was all gushed out I got down to business. "Octavia, I wanted to tell you how thankful I was for all of your help during both Games and…well…for everything."

"It was my honor, Katniss."

"I was wondering if you could help me one more time. As you know, I'm not very good at this whole…pretty thing."

"Katniss, you're beautiful just the way you are." Of all my pets, she was my favorite. "A little hairy, but beautiful." Definitely my favorite.

"Thank you. You see…I have a date tonight and…" I spent about an hour on the phone writing down her instructions. My team had left a slew of makeup, hair tools, tweezers, and razors in the hopes that I would maintain the look they created for me. Today was the first time I even considered touching all that crap.

I thought I could handle it until Octavia said, "But, Katniss. How will you get it all done in time? It took three of us plus Cinna to prep you."

I had no idea how I was going to get it all done in less than six hours considering it took four people an entire day to get me ready, but I was up to the challenge. At least I thought I was. "I'll figure it out, Octavia." We took a few minutes to say our goodbyes, and I immediately got to work.

I found the boxes…and boxes of equipment my team had left – seven in all – in my walk-in closet. Other than a layer of dust, they were in pristine condition. I carried them, somewhat reluctantly, into my room, and began digging through them. I had no clue where to start. Thank goodness I had written down everything Octavia had told me.

First I was to rid myself of my "hairiness." Tweezing my eyebrows was not something I was fond of. It was painful at first, but after the first minute or two, my eyelids were numb from the pain so I barely felt a thing. I wasn't about to rip the hair out of my legs, so I found a razor and shaved them. There were a few cuts…maybe six…alright ten, but Octavia told me about some little stick that stopped the bleeding which worked well. I didn't really see the difference between my hairless legs or my fuzzy ones, but Octavia swore that Peeta would notice. I didn't think so, but I was pretty sure that she'd been on more dates than me. Of course her idea of a date was probably a lot different than what we'd do here in Twelve.

I showered and used the scented soaps and lotions that I found – which brought on a sneezing fit. I read all of the bottles of hair products and followed Octavia's instructions to the tee, but I was having some difficulty with the ring of braids I was supposed to put in my hair. "Forget it," I grunted out my frustration. I had no clue how to work the God forsaken curling stick thing. I was supposed to braid the front of my hair into a crown on top of my head and I still had to figure out how to put all of the goop on my face.

I stared at the various tubs and tubes of makeup. "There's a reason I had a prep team!" I yelled at my reflection in the mirror and dropped my head onto the vanity I was sitting at. There was no way on earth I could do this without help.

I thought of the women I knew in District Twelve and wondered if they'd be of any help to me, but the idea of Greasy Sae putting on makeup was laughable and asking Gale's mother to help get me ready for a date with Peeta seemed a bit callous.

For the first time in my life I actually wished my mother was around to teach me how to do all of this girly crap. A wave of sadness crept over me when I realized how much I had actually missed out on as a young girl.

I never had those moments with my mom like Prim did. She didn't teach me how to put my hair in delicate braids like she did with Prim, and though my mother didn't wear makeup very often – it was a luxury we couldn't afford – I knew from the few photos of her when she lived in Town, that she had experience in applying it. She probably would have taught that to Prim too, I thought. I missed my sister in that moment, and surprisingly, I really missed my mother as well. I wished she would have been here with me to experience this first. I wish they both were. Though Peeta and I were long past the dating stage of our relationship, this was still my first real date, and it would have been nice to have my mother and sister around for it. Instead I was sitting in my room, alone, with a hot metal stick burning the wood on my vanity, and salty tears burning the back of my nose.

I longed to talk to Prim again…to hear her voice just one more time. It would never happen, but there was someone I could talk to. Someone that would understand what I was feeling. I reached for the phone and took a chance. When my mom answered I thought I was going to cry on the spot. Not only because I missed her, but because I really wanted to share this rite of passage with her, but she lived eight districts away. "Hey mom," I said brokenly.

"Katniss, are you okay? You sound upset," she said to me.

"I'm okay. I just…I really wish you were here right now."

"You do?" My mom sounded shocked, but who could blame her? I never really made my mother feel needed.

I explained what I was feeling… doing, and how terrible I was at it. We talked about the little things we missed about Prim, and then I apologized to my mother, "I spent a long time talking at you, not to you, and I'm really sorry about that."

"I could have done better too, Katniss. I used your sister as a buffer between us, and I should never have done that. I was ashamed of what I did after your father died, and how I depended on you," she paused. "You know… I think your sister would be very proud of us right now and how far we've come."

"Yeah, me too."

I could hear my mother blow out a sigh of relief. Then she said, "Tell me more about this date," in a bright voice that helped to alleviate the pain we were both feeling.

I told her that I was actually excited about the idea of going on a real date with Peeta, but very nervous. Sure he and I have gone to events all over Panem together, but there was something different about tonight. I knew it the moment Peeta asked me out. "I have no idea why I'm doing this," I picked up a long pink tube of lipstick and let it drop. "Peeta won't care one way or the other."

"Oh, I don't know about that. I think he'd appreciate the extra bit of effort you put into getting ready for him this evening."

"Not if I look like Effie Trinket on a bad day." My mom laughed, but I couldn't find it in me.

"Why don't we switch this to a video call?" My mother suggested. "Then I can walk you through all of this."

It took us a few minutes to figure out how to switch from voice to video, and by the time we did, we were both laughing at our ineptitude.

"Well," she smiled softly at me from the projected screen that came from the back of my phone, "there you are. It's so good to see you, Katniss."

"It's good to see you too." I took in the sight of my mother and noticed that the sparkle in her eyes that had gone missing when my father died, was twinkling back at me. "You look happy, mom."

"I'm looking at my daughter who's getting ready for her very first date. Of course I'm happy." I could feel myself blushing and knew this was the bond between mother and daughter that we had been missing, and it felt pretty amazing. "Now what do you say we get you ready for your big night?"

She talked me through the basics. I knew how to braid my hair, but I had never mastered the fancy designs she and Prim were so good at, so we kept it simple. Two thin braids along the sides of my head that joined in the back where I would allow the rest of my hair to flow free. After a few burns, and several swear words, I had finally gotten the hang of the curling stick…rod…iron and filled my mother in on what was happening between me and Peeta.

It didn't come as a surprise to her that Gale kissed me in my kitchen or that he still had feelings for me. "The thing you need to remember is that you and Gale never really reached that level of intimacy that you and Peeta have achieved," I wondered what she meant when she said that. Did she think there was more…physically between me and Peeta, like the rest of the world did? "You and Gale have been close for as long as I can remember, and I know you loved him, but any fool could see that it wasn't the same kind of love you had for Peeta."

"How did you know it was different when I didn't even know it myself?" I wasn't being accusatory, but I was very curious how she could see it and I couldn't.

"Katniss, you and Peeta share a very special connection that only comes with a once in a lifetime kind of love." She leaned a little closer to the monitor and reminded me, "Take your hair out of the curling iron before you singe it." Then continued explaining what she saw, "I knew Peeta had strong feelings for you, that was obvious during your first Games, but it wasn't until that day you disappeared into the woods and the Peacekeepers were waiting at home for you that I knew it wasn't some boyhood infatuation. He sat there with Haymitch playing chess for hours. Every now and then he'd make an excuse to come into the kitchen where Prim and I were, and he'd give us a small smile…a light squeeze. Like he wanted to let us know everything would be okay. Not once did he let his guard down."

"He and Haymitch were always better at acting than I was," I said absently.

"Oh no," my mother let out a little burst of air. "All of us, including Haymitch, showed signs of concern as the night went on, but not Peeta. It made me think of your father and how he always kept up a brave face even when things were at their bleakest. Your hair, Katniss," she reminded me again.

"Oh…oh yeah." Another curl sprang free and I continued the process.

"After Peeta brought you up to bed that night, he asked me if he could stay with you for a little while." My mother's eyes glassed up. "I said it would be fine, and he assured me he would leave within the hour and lock up behind him."

I had no idea Peeta had stayed with me after I had fallen asleep. It never dawned on me that he would.

"I wanted to make sure I had put everything back in the medicine cupboard," my mother continued, "and as I made my way up to bed, I could hear him sniffling. I only peeked for a moment, but when I did, I saw him clutching you to his chest. He kept saying, 'Always,' and kissing the top of your hair." Her hand fisted against her chest as though she were trying to hold the pieces of her heart together. "I went to bed when his sniffles turned to weeping, and I knew…this wasn't a crush, and it most certainly wasn't some infatuation that he'd grow out of. He was deeply in love with you and he was terrified that he had lost you."

I dropped the curling rod onto the vanity with a thud and sucked in a breath. "Why didn't you tell me this before?"

"Most men don't really want the women they love to know when they break down, Katniss," she said. "Do you know how many times I heard you doing the same when we were in Thirteen?"

"A lot I imagine," I spoke quietly.

"It wasn't just the Games that bonded you and Peeta together. It was your hearts. Going on without the other wasn't impossible, but it was unbearable for both of you." My mother tucked a hair behind her ear. "That's how I feel without your father. Maybe that's why it was easier for me to see the signs than it was for you. I've experienced that type of love before, Katniss. I'm just glad you're finally seeing it for yourself."

"Me too." My throat started thickening up which said I was about to cry, and tried to hold it back.

"Will you look at us acting so glum," my mother said with forced spirit. "You've got a date in a little while, and we still need to get some makeup on you."

I finished curling my hair, and then my mother talked me through applying a light dusting of makeup. The fact that I was doing this, putting all of this goop on my face, for Peeta, was not lost on me. I hated this crap, but I wanted tonight to be special so I tried not to blink too rapidly when I brought a mascara wand close to my eye, and I tried not to sneeze when I applied a gold shimmering powder on the apples of my cheeks. In the end I was pleased with what my mother and I had accomplished, but even more thrilled with this new start to our relationship.

"That was one of my favorite dresses from the tour," my mom said.

I glanced down the orange dress patterned with autumn colored leaves. "This is Peeta's favorite color," but that wasn't the only reason I chose that particular dress. The last time I wore it a man from District Eleven was executed before my eyes. For some reason, I thought, by wearing this dress tonight, not only would Peeta like it, but I'd be able to associate it with a happy memory. Cinna deserved at least that much.

"You look beautiful, Katniss," my mother dabbed at the corner of her eyes.

"Don't cry," I ordered her playfully. "I just spent hours doing this to my face and if I cry and have to do it again, I'll never forgive you."

We promised to talk again in the next few days, and praised the technology that allowed us to see one another after all this time. We shared one last laugh that ended on a sigh, and finally said our goodbyes. Life was moving on. Not only for me and Peeta, but for my mother and I as well. It felt good to feel like a daughter instead of a caregiver.

I jumped a bit when I heard Peeta's knock. I was in my own world, but now it was time for my date. I couldn't wait to tell Peeta about my talk with my mother, but I wasn't going to tell him what she had seen and heard the night he promised to always stay with me.

As I walked to the door I felt my heart racing. I was nervous, excited, anxious… I took a deep breath and opened my door only it wasn't Peeta standing on the other side of it, but the Capitol attendant that had made me warm milk on the train so long ago. I gave him a quizzical look and said, "Can I help you?"

"Yes, Miss Everdeen. We're here to pick you up on behalf of Mr. Mellark."

"What?" My first thought was that Peeta had been hurt. "What happened to Peeta?"

"Oh, nothing Miss Everdeen. He just asked us to escort you to your date." He motioned to a man standing by a very nice car.

These were Capitol people. Why would Peeta send Capitol people to get me? I didn't believe it for a second. "I don't think so. I'm just going to wait for Peeta."

"He thought you might be a bit apprehensive. He asked me to give you this." He handed me an envelope with Peeta's handwriting on it.

I tentatively opened it up, still questioning the reality of the situation. When I saw the note inside, I immediately recognized Peeta's handwriting.

Katniss,

If you're reading this then that means you're giving Arvis a hard time. By the way, introduce yourself to Arvis. He's the one that made us warm milk on the train.

I lifted my head and introduced myself properly, "Hello, Arvis. I'm Katniss."

"Hello Miss Everdeen."

"Please. Call me Katniss."

"Anything you say, Miss Everdeen." Apparently Arvis didn't do first names. Or maybe he couldn't. I had no clue what the rules for attendants were. I continued reading Peeta's letter.

Don't bother telling him to call you Katniss because he'll just keep calling you Miss Everdeen. He calls me Mr. Mellark.

I had to giggle at how well Peeta could read people. Especially me.

Arvis is going to escort you to my location. All you have to do is get in the car with him and not pepper him with questions.

I wasn't sure about this. It made me a bit nervous.

Put your worries aside. Walk to the car and let's start our date.

I'm waiting for you, Katniss.

I folded the letter and put it back in the envelope. Peeta was waiting for me. I set it on my kitchen table and turned to Arvis. "Shall we go?"

"Yes, Miss Everdeen." I smiled at his formal use of my name.

As I walked to the car I could feel multiple pairs of eyes on me. Rory's. Hazelle's. Greasy Sae's. And Gale's. It didn't seem to bother me one bit. For the first time in a very long time I was happy and it showed. I put on a dress, makeup and I did it gladly. For Peeta.

When I got into the car I noticed the man in the driver's seat. He didn't say a word. I wondered if he was an Avox, and said, "Hello," anyway. If he couldn't speak, he could wave.

"Good evening, Miss Everdeen." Apparently he could speak.

"Please, call me Katniss." I situated myself and asked him his name. It was Crellen. "It's a pleasure to meet you."

Arvis took the seat next to me and said, "Ready?"

"Yes." I couldn't catch my breath. What does Peeta have in store for me? I was ready to ask Arvis, but then I remembered Peeta's note saying not to pepper him with questions. Instead I just enjoyed the ride and made small talk. "You know, Arvis. Peeta still makes me warm milk like you gave us on our last train ride."

I could tell he was flattered. "Really? That's nice to know." He looked like he wanted to say something, but he didn't.

"Arvis? Can I ask you something?" I was curious as to what would make this man that worked for the Capitol help Peeta.

"Yes, Miss."

"Why did you pick me up tonight?"

"Mr. Mellark is still preparing a few things."

"Oh." What is he preparing? Where am I going? No peppering Katniss.

Arvis had that look on his face again. Like he really wanted to talk to me, but he was fighting with himself over it. He must've decided to go for it because he said to me, "Miss Everdeen, I wanted to tell you…to thank you really."

"Me? What for?" If anything I should be thanking him. He'd been waiting on me since I stepped on the first train to the Capitol.

"The people in the districts weren't the only ones oppressed, Miss Everdeen. There were plenty of those in the Capitol that lived a poor life. No wages. Minimal food and insufficient housing. Our lives weren't much to speak of. Some of us worked constantly with barely five minutes to sit down." I had always assumed that their lives were so much better than mine, but I got the impression that it was just a fancier version of the hell we dealt with in the districts. "Because of you, I'm able to do what I want now."

"Then why are you still in a Capitol attendant's uniform?" Who would want to do that?

"I love trains and I like my job. Now that I'm doing it for myself, I find I can enjoy it. And it's all I know how to do. So, thank you for all that you've sacrificed for our freedom."

"I didn't do anything." My voice was quiet.

"You did more than you know, Miss Everdeen. If there's ever anything I can do to thank you. Please don't hesitate to ask."

This man had spent his life taking care of everyone but himself and he wanted to do something for me. To thank me. I was flabbergasted. I'd never ask anything of him. Actually… "There is one thing you can do for me."

"Anything, Miss Everdeen."

"Call me Katniss." I smiled and listened to him whisper my name to himself as though trying it on for size.

The rest of the car ride was interesting to say the least. I found out that Arvis was married and had a son who was in Plutarch's new singing show. "I'll have to watch it and cheer him on." I hadn't watched Plutarch's new creation yet, but I'd heard a few people around town talk about it. I had to admit, it did sound interesting. Having people compete via song as opposed to killing each other off, was a welcome thought.

"We're here, Miss… Katniss." Arvis opened my car door and took my hand to help me out of the vehicle. I was at the train platform. In front of me was the silver sleek train designated for trips to the Capitol. And waiting for me a few feet away was Peeta.

"Hi," Peeta's smile warmed my heart. As Arvis passed him he asked, "Did you give it to her?"

"Yes, sir." Arvis chuckled. "You were right. She wouldn't step out of her door until she read the note."

"Told you so."

"Peeta, what are we doing here?" I walked to him and took his outreached hands in mine.

"You look beautiful."

"So do you." He did. He was wearing a chocolate brown suit with a crisp white shirt and a blue tie that matched his eyes. "Now will you tell me why we're here?"

"You're so impatient, Katniss," he laughed. He put my arm through his and walked me the rest of the way to the train. When we entered it my heart stopped. It was always beautiful, but tonight in lieu of lights, there were candles. Everywhere. The scent of the flowers made my head feel light and swirly. Or maybe it was just being on the train again.

"We're not going anywhere are we?" This worried me.

"No. We're just dining here. And don't worry about your curfew either. You have an extra hour tonight." He smiled and kissed my hand. The scar on my arm seemed to glare up at me, but then Peeta did something amazing. He kissed it and lifted his eyes to mine. "Breathtakingly beautiful." About a thousand butterflies had taken up residence in my stomach at that very moment.

I looked around the train car and said, "How did you do all of this?"

"Two words. Effie Trinket." He led me to a sitting area and asked me if I wanted something to drink. I had a glass of lemonade infused with fresh strawberries. The flavor of the berries flooded my mouth as I drank and I shook my head at the sheer enormity that it must've taken him and Effie to pull something like this off. I made a mental note to call her tomorrow and express my gratitude.

"You didn't spend the day in town did you?" I asked with accusing eyes.

"Nope. I wanted to surprise you. Did I?" The look on his face reminded me of the little boy I saw across the schoolyard.

"Yes. I'm very surprised. This is exquisite." We were brought a tray of goose liver on puff pastries and I found myself wanting to gorge on it, but I was sure that there would be more so I wasn't overindulgent.

As we nibbled on the appetizer Peeta said, "I really do have to do something about the bakery though. It's sitting there like the district eye sore."

"Like build a new one?"

Peeta sighed. "I don't know. I really have no clue what to do with it. Any ideas?"

Peeta and I didn't need to work another day in our lives. We still received our Victor's salary. I suppose the government thought it was the least they could do for those of us that survived the arenas. It was what we were promised after all. Not that it made up for anything.

"It's not like you have to bake anymore, Peeta. I mean you could do anything you want now."

"I do. I paint all the time." His house was full of his artwork. "What about you, Katniss? What do you want to do?"

I had never given this any thought. Before, all I wanted to do was to stay alive. Now all I wanted was to stay sane. "I have no clue." I did like hunting, but I hated being gone for so long and leaving Peeta alone.

"What do you enjoy doing?" He sipped at a brown liquid with slices of fruit in it.

"Hunting. And…" I had to think. "I have no clue what I like doing. I've never really been able to just do something for the fun of it before." I envied Peeta's love of art. Even Haymitch had his geese now. I had nothing. "I like taking care of you." That was what I loved doing. I truly enjoyed being with Peeta.

"I'm flattered, but you can't spend every day watching me like a hawk. You have to find something that makes you happy. Isn't there anything that gives you joy?"

I began saying he did. He gave me joy, but he put up his hand and said, "Don't say me, either." Then he smiled.

What did I like doing with my time? I hated sewing. I hated instruments. I hated reading. I hated cooking. I did like singing, but that wasn't something I did often. It brought up too many sad memories. I came to a conclusion. "Peeta, you might want to find another woman. I'm realizing that I'm not that much of a catch."

The sound of his laughter was contagious. "That's okay. I think you're a perfect catch."

I blushed and said, "Thank you."

Our dinner was served at the dining table. When Arvis lifted the silver dome that covered our entrée, I was touched. We dined on lamb stew with dried plumbs served over wild rice. It was by far the best stew I had ever tasted. I told this to Arvis and he said his wife would be pleased. She was the chef. I wondered if his son had worked on the train then I remembered, "Peeta, did you know that Arvis' son is on Plutarch's new singing show?"

"Really?" He looked to Arvis and said, "Is he any good?"

"Yes sir!" Arvis was a very proud father. "You should hear him."

"I'd love to," Peeta replied with a smile.

"I have his music chip with a song he sang last week. It's become quite popular through the districts."

"Would you play it for us?" I really did want to hear him sing.

"I'd be happy to. After dinner," Arvis promised. Then he left us alone to enjoy the rest of the meal.

Dessert was an individual goat cheese and apple tart. The crust was flaky and buttery and I knew instantly that Peeta had made it.

"Do you like it?" He asked.

"Yes. It's delicious, Peeta."

"I was thinking about getting a goat so I could make my own cheese, but then I thought it'd be too much work."

I had to laugh. "They're not that hard to raise. We had one in our house, Peeta."

"Yes, but I have no clue how to raise a goat. Or make cheese, or milk it, or what it eats…"

"Goats eat everything in sight." I thought of Peeta's artwork and said, "It's probably best you avoid raising a goat."

After we finished our tart, we heard music filling the train car. Arvis' son, no doubt.

"Would you like to dance?" Peeta held his hand out to me.

"I'd love to." I stepped into his arms and listened to the crystal clear voice singing a song about being separated from the one he loved. He talked to the moon in hopes that his love would hear him, and wondered if she was feeling the same way as he. It was a song of love and loss. I thought of my time in District Thirteen when Peeta was being held in the Capitol and how I would cry at night. I wondered so many times if he was okay. If he was thinking of me like I had been thinking of him. The loneliness I felt. Those feelings seemed to wash over me as I listened to the words of the song.

I'm feeling like I'm famous

The talk of the town.

They say I've gone mad

Yeah, I've gone mad

But they don't know what I know

'Cause when the sun goes down

Someone's talking back

Yeah, they're talking back

At night when the stars light up my room

I sit by myself

Talking to the moon, trying to get to you…

I gripped Peeta's back, hugging him tightly to my chest. The words to the song hit home. The haunting melody pierced my heart. When it ended I looked at Peeta and saw tears brimming in his eyes.

"Arvis' son is gifted," I said. "That was lovely."

"Yeah," Peeta just held onto me. "That song was a little too close to reality though."

He walked me to the sofa and began telling me about his time in the Capitol after the second arena. "When I was first brought back there, I didn't know what to make of it. I thought you had died in the explosion during the Games, and I wanted to die too. No one would answer my questions when it came to you. I guess they were instructed not to. The morning after I got there Darius came in with some food for me and I knew he'd find a way to tell me so…so I whispered your name and he squeezed my hand and gave me a little nod. I just knew you were okay after that. Then I started to think that maybe they had you in another room somewhere. Giving you medical treatment so we could go back into the arena again. That caused a whole other slew of worries. It wasn't until the next morning when they brought me into a room with President Snow that I found out exactly what had happened. Portia was —" He cleared his throat. "She was sitting in the room with my prep team and I could tell that they were afraid, but not Portia. She was holding her head up high and looking straight ahead. Then they showed us footage of the Games – Johanna hitting you over the head and cutting out your tracker, Beetee trying to short out the force field and getting electrocuted, you achieving what Beetee couldn't. Then Snow said that you escaped the arena with Finnick and Beetee." A sad smile crossed his face when he said, "Portia's chin seemed to rise a little higher when she heard that. She was proud of you, Katniss. So was I." The tears that had been building up, dripped down his cheeks as he continued. Peeta's fingers interlaced with mine. He sat silently for a minute, as though he were searching for the courage to go on. "I know what I said on television," his voice trembled, "but I had no choice. I was ordered to appear with Caesar on his show and answer his questions, and I knew they wanted me to blame you, but I couldn't. I just couldn't. Then after that—"

"We don't have to talk about what happened after that, Peeta." I knew what happened after that. Snow held onto Peeta's interview until it would do the most damage, and during that time he was slowly turning him into a weapon.

"I thought about you all the time," Peeta said instead of spelling out the details of his hijacking, "but nighttime was the worst. That's when I really felt your absence. If, by chance, I did fall asleep, I'd have nightmares about losing you. I'd feel around in the darkness for you, but my arms were always empty," he held them out in front of himself and looked at them as though something was missing. "My stomach would twist into knots, because my nightmares had come true." I watched as his Adam's apple bobbed up and down. "I lost you."

"I'm so sorry," I said then pressed my lips against his in a healing kiss. Brushing our mingled tears off of his cheeks with the pads of my thumbs, I took as deep of a breath as I could and repeated my apology.

"I used to wonder if you were thinking about me too. I hoped you were."

I positioned myself in his lap; pulling his arms around me. "I did. All the time. I was so lost without you, Peeta. I was a mess." I thought of how pathetic I had been back then. "I wanted to die without you too." I felt his kiss against my temple. "Finnick and I used to sit together and mope. We were both wrecks." I thought of Annie and how she had to face the rest of her life without Finnick, and my stomach clenched. "I don't know what I would've done if you had died," I spoke into Peeta's neck.

"Me too." His lips found mine in a soft caress. "I missed you so much, Katniss."

"I missed you too. I never want to feel that way again. It was devastating." Though Peeta and I had done practically everything together these past few months, the one thing we rarely did, was discuss the war. Other than my nightmares, I never told him about the specifics that led us to the Capitol to take down Snow. It was a part of my life I wanted to forget, and I was pretty sure Peeta didn't feel like reliving his torture. Tonight though, it felt right sharing these things with him. It was as though we were both unburdening our souls so we could move forward. It was a huge step. One I hadn't been ready to take before.

I told him how lost I was and how I barely made it through each day. "I'd hide in the ventilation shafts and rub the pearl between my fingertips." I rested my head on his shoulder as I went on; telling him about the nights I dreamt of him, how the hospital staff would have to search for me and drug me in order to get me back to my room. How, after I was released, I no longer needed to find a small space to hide, because I'd get lost in my own thoughts for hours at a time. "Then I saw you on television and it just got worse. All I did was worry about you," I told him. "I waited for them to tell me that they rescued you. That you were coming back to me, but they never did. Plutarch and Coin sat me down and explained that they needed me to be the voice of the rebellion," I let out a disgusted huff at the memory. "I told them they should have rescued you if they wanted a voice." I could hear Peeta's sniff of laughter in my ear, but he remained quiet; allowing me to go on. "Then one night… Prim had this idea." I told him how I had agreed to be the Mockingjay as well as the conditions I set.

"So you did that for me?" I could hear the surprise in his voice. "So that they'd rescue me?"

"Yes."

"They wouldn't have otherwise, huh?"

I thought for a second before answering his question, "No. I don't think they would have. After the rescue team had left Thirteen, Haymitch told me that rescuing you would be costly. That covers would be blown. Lives lost. Maybe they would have tried to get you out in order to get me to do their bidding had I not agreed to be the Mockingjay when I did, but I honestly don't believe that one would have happened without the other."

"Oh, Katniss," there was pity in his voice.

Even though we never discussed it, Peeta knew how much I hated being the person responsible for all of those deaths in the war. The amount of people we lost. I still wasn't sure that Panem would recover. That we wouldn't die off. The truth was, the human race was still one epidemic away from extinction. The guilt I felt weighed heavily upon my shoulders.

"You should have never agreed to be the Mockingjay for me," Peeta's words broke my heart.

I wondered if he knew truth. My actions as the face of the rebellion were the cause of his hijacking. "I should have never agreed to it at all," my voice cracked and tears burned in the back of my eyes. "I'm the reason you were tortured and Snow did what he–"

"What?" Peeta sat erect and moved me from his lap to the spot on the sofa next to him while we practically talked over one another. "That's not what I meant, Katniss."

"I kept thinking about the way he tortured you because of me. That it must have gotten so much worse for you after each one of my propos aired."

"No. No. He would have done it anyway. Or worse, he would have executed me on live television."

"If I had known what Snow was doing," I kept on talking; ignoring Peeta's argument. "I would have never agreed to it." My eyes bore through his. "I only did what I did because I thought…I thought—" my throat was threatening to close off at the memory of Peeta thrashing on his hospital bed in Thirteen; struggling to break free of his restraints. "I didn't know, Peeta," I tried to convince him. "I had no idea how Snow was using you against me."

"I can say the same thing, Katniss," Peeta spoke with a quiet urgency. "He promised me that he'd let you live if I did that initial interview with Caesar and call for a cease fire." So Gale had been right when he said that Peeta had probably struck a deal with Snow in order to save my life. Peeta continued, "He told me that one of us would have to die, and that it could be me and he'd let you live, so I agreed to it."

Obviously, Peeta hadn't struck the same deal with Snow that I had in my study before the Quell. "He lied to you."

"Yeah, but I actually believed him." Peeta gave his head a disgusted shake. "That was about two days after I got to the Capitol, but Haymitch told me they didn't air it for almost a month. By that time, my diet consisted of moldy bread and a cup of water a day if I was lucky." I brushed the hair off of Peeta's forehead and allowed him to talk like he had allowed me. "Snow started using the tracker jacker venom on me. Little doses at first, then they'd beat me. If they needed me to say something in response to the rebel's actions, he'd strike another deal. 'Would you like to live, Peeta? Would you like all of this to end?'" It almost felt like Snow haunted Peeta's tone as he rehashed their conversations. "'I can make it so that you and Katniss both live. Lock you both up in a quiet little jail cell.' And stupid me, I kept on believing him and did what he asked, because I knew the alternative would mean a very long, and painful death for you. By the end, before he turned me full mutt, he was telling me that you were the reason the war happened. That you killed my—" Peeta stopped himself before saying, "my family." "Well," he cleared his throat, "you know what Snow convinced me of."

The sounds of an occasional sniffle, and deep swallows, echoed through the quiet room as we both ruminated about the choices we made, and the repercussions they had on the other's life.

"I'm sorry, Katniss," Peeta finally broke through the silence.

Hearing Peeta apologize to me for actions that were out of his control, was the final straw as far as I was concerned. Peeta and I had already lost so much: family, friends, our childhoods. The two people that used us as their pawns were dead, so how much more were we going to give them? I wiped the already drying tears from my face, and then brushed away Peeta's. "None of these things were our fault Peeta. It was Snow's fault. Coin's fault. But not ours. Never ours," I said convincingly.

Peeta gave me one nod and said, "You're right. We were just two kids trying to stay alive, weren't we?"

I thought back to the first arena. The berries. Okay, maybe some of it was my fault, but I would have never had to pull the nightlock out if Peeta and I hadn't been placed in the arena in the first place. "That's exactly what we were," I agreed with his assessment.

"Hey," he tried for a smile, but it didn't quite reach his eyes. "This isn't a very good topic of conversation for a date."

"No. I guess it's not."

This time when Peeta smiled at me, it came naturally. "What do you say we talk about something else?"

"Sounds good." More comfortable than I had been in a long time, I rested my head against his shoulder and asked, "Got any suggestions?"

We started discussing the bakery again, "So you really don't want to rebuild it?" Who could blame him? I wouldn't want to either.

"Not really. I mean, it's not like baking was my passion or anything." No baking wasn't his passion, but art was.

"Oh, I know!" I jumped to my feet and said with excitement, "What about an art studio?"

"You mean tear down the bakery and put an art studio there? Why would I do that?"

"Why not? You could have an entire space dedicated to painting and not just a bedroom." The more I thought about this idea the more I liked it.

"Hmmm?" He was thinking about it. "My paintings are kind of piling up at my house, but I wouldn't want to paint there all the time." I knew he was talking about nights when the nightmares struck.

"You wouldn't have to. You could use it during the day and bring your finished work there and… Oh I don't know. I just know that nothing makes you as happy as your art, so why not have a dedicated space for it?"

Peeta got to his feet too, and took my hands in his. "Let me clarify something with you, Katniss. You make me happier than art ever could. You know that, don't you?"

In the past, a comment like this coming from Peeta, would have made me feel uncomfortable and guilty, but not anymore. I gave his hands a squeeze and said, "I do know that Peeta."

"Good."

"So? What do you think about my idea?" I asked him.

"It's funny. Whenever I think about the bakery I can't help but think about my past." He pressed a kiss against my forehead. "Leave it to you to help me find my future in it."

"So you'll do it?"

"Yes. I'll do it."

I hugged him and wondered what steps we'd have to take. "The only question now is how to get it done."

"I'm not sure, but at least it'll give us something to do." He chuckled.

"And it will give you a place for your paintings."

When Arvis walked in. I told him how beautiful his son's voice was and that I had never heard a song like that before. He told me that it was from an era of music from many years ago. "They have different themes each week on the show and last week was music from before the Dark Days."

"I'd love to buy a copy of his music chip. It's truly remarkable." But I didn't need to buy one. Arvis was more than thrilled to give me his.

"Your car is ready Mr. Mellark." Arvis took my hand in his and placed a kiss on it. "Katniss, I hope to see you both of you again soon. It's been a pleasure serving you."

Upon our exit, I noticed that train platform was buzzing with people. Many of whom I recognized. When I mentioned it to Peeta he seemed indifferent towards it all. He just wanted to get home. So did I. The night had flown by, but it was almost 9:00pm.

The car dropped us off in front of my house. Peeta and I walked towards the front door, but when we got there he stopped. "Do you think it would be okay if I kissed you goodnight, Katniss?" Considering he kissed me all time without asking, I had no clue why he had started now. "You know…like a real date."

Oh, I thought but didn't say. "I'd like that very much."

We stood in front of my door and he put his finger under my chin then pressed his lips lightly against mine. When Peeta pulled back, he said, "If I had worked up the nerve to ask you out when we were younger, that's how I would've kissed you goodnight. Fortunately for me, I'm not a kid anymore." He stepped closer to me and kissed me with such passion that I felt my toes curling in my shoes.

The kiss ended with the tip of his tongue tracing my lips, and a soft peck. We stood standing beneath the moonlight. My eyes were closed, my limbs weighted with desire, and my body flush against Peeta's. With a very shaky breath, I said, "Going slow is going to be very challenging."

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