Chapter 2: Love is not necessary

(27/01/2011)

Alex could only think it was really bad timing when Charlie announced that he was going to make a video about the things that the internet said about them. Well, mostly about Charlie, but Alex was one of those things. Obviously, Charlie had no idea that Alex had had any sort of revelation and consequentially Alex had no reason to say no when his friend asked him to participate in denying their romantic relationship.

Of course, it wasn't that Alex thought there was or should be any romantic relationship, he was just questioning the status quo a little. He didn't want Charlie in any sexual way but he loved him more than anyone else in the world. So, where did that leave him? Was it possible to be in love with someone without wanting to have sex with them? But then, how did you make a difference between friends and people you're in love with? And in the whole mess of emotions, how could Alex be 100% sure that be was straight?

All of this questions made Alex distinctly uncomfortable when he had to announce in front of Charlie's camera that yes, he was definitely straight and had no romantic feelings for his flatmate whatsoever.

He went out of the room feeling like shit for sort of lying to his friend and to the world and was suddenly faced with a concerned looking Michael Aranda. Alex smiled at him half-heartedly and whispered: "I'm fine" when he was close enough for Michael to hear him. The tall man just placed a comforting hand on Alex's forearm and said nothing. Alex was grateful, for the touch and the silence, because really, Michael didn't have the best track record with words.

He groaned a bit when he heard Charlie moving around in his room and stepped away from Michael.

"I'm going to go out with Ed for a while, he wants to check out this guitar and I told him I'd give my opinion." Michael said as he started to gather his coat and wallet. Alex sent him a pleading look, it was a lot easier to maintain a calm facade when Michael was there because Charlie's attention wasn't completely on him. Michael shook his head and whispered in Alex's ear: "Look, I'm not telling you what to do, but maybe you should just talk to him and you can sort it out together."

"I don't know..." Alex started whispering back but then Charlie was out of his room and Michael was saying goodbye.

Charlie instantly started trying to convince Alex to play a video game with him and Alex couldn't resist Charlie's pleading eyes. After a little while of discussion they decided to play Mario and Alex decided he might as well follow Michael's advice as he really didn't know what else to do.

They were both taking their sits on the sofa when Alex finally had the courage to ask:

"Why does it bother you so much?"

Charlie looked confused for a moment.

"The Cherimon thing?" he asked. Alex nodded. Charlie gave it a minute of thought.

"I guess it's the fact that they think they know me so well and they really don't. I don't get why seeing a few videos of me talking entitles them to have opinions about who I am and who I love."

Okay, so it wasn't that Charlie was bothered because it was Alex specifically, just the fact that people were claiming rights over his life. He sighed a bit in relief.

"Why doesn't it bother you?" Charlie asked and Alex tried to think of a better way to answer than: 'I'm so confused about all this it doesn't surprise me in the least that our viewers picked up on it.'

"I don't know. It just doesn't. It just a thing they do, right? Every fandom has slash fan fiction. I just think it's a normal consequence of being liked by lots of teenage girls with internet access."

"Yeah, maybe you're right. It's just weird, you know?"

Alex nodded and decided to leave the conversation there, obviously the whole thing was just Charlie being self-conscious about his popularity and not a relationship freakout. Not that there was a relationship. They set up the game and started playing.

"I mean, even if I was gay, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with you." Charlie said off-handedly with most of his attention on the game.

Alex just stared at him for a second, completely ignoring the game. So much for it not being about their relationship. He was a bit surprised at how much that statement hurt. For him, it was very clear that if he ever felt attracted to a man it would be Charlie, because Charlie was awesome and he loved him a lot already, more than he had ever loved anyone he had been sexually attracted to.

"What? Why not?" he asked, only half feigning the indignation in his voice. Charlie turned back to look at him and smiled, apparently amused at Alex's reaction.

"Are you kidding? It would be the most unhealthy relationship ever!"

"What? No, it wouldn't! It would be awesome and fun and we would be like those couples that grow old together and are still in love when they are a hundred years old!"

Charlie just raised an eyebrow at him. Alex cursed his inability to control what came out of his mouth.

"Or... you know... something less creepy..." he stammered, running a hand through his hair. He heard the sound of their characters dying in the game.

Charlie burst out laughing and Alex scowled at him.

"No, but come on! Why would you think that we wouldn't make a great couple?" Alex asked, turning fully to stare at his flatmate. Charlie's laugh died down. He looked down at the control on his hand, fiddling with the buttons. Alex waited for him to answer, as he always did. He was always metaphorically hanging on the edge of his seat to hear what Charlie would say next. It was the reason he liked being with Charlie so much, but this time, the suspense was driving him crazy.

"Charlie..." He started.

"I'm just thinking of a way to answer that won't sound completely wrong and creep you out." Charlie murmured, interrupting him.

Alex almost groaned in exasperation. That was textbook Charlie right there, always thinking the right thing to say. Alex absolutely hated when he did that. After all the time they spend together, it was fucking annoying that Charlie still felt like he had to control his words and actions around Alex. Also, it made Alex feel at a disadvantage because he had almost no brain-to-mouth filter. The lyrics of a song started to come to him: "darling, have some indecency, you know there is nothing you could say that would embarrass me..." and tried to commit it to his memory so he could use it later.

"Just say it, I won't take the wrong way." he really didn't understand why this needed to be made clear again. For Alex it was so completely obvious, but apparently it did.

"Ok..." Charlie sighed and the continued. "I think that we spend so much time together and we're so..." he struggled for a bit " close..." he frowned. "That's not the right word" he muttered. "anyway, I think that if were a couple we would be so intensely focused on each other we would go insane... you know, proper mental." Charlie's eyes locked on Alex's as if trying to will him to understand, then Charlie sighed with resignation. "I'm not making myself very clear."

"I really don't see that as a bad thing. Love is supposed to drive you a bit mental." Alex started gesticulating to make his point.

"Maybe that's why I don't get it." Charlie murmured and Alex grew still.

"Don't get what?" He asked carefully.

"Love." The younger man answered without looking at Alex.

"What do you mean?"

"It's just... I've been thinking lately. You know how all the happy endings in movies and books involve two people finding love?" Alex nodded and settled for one of Charlie's introspective monologues. It was something Charlie was wont to do from time to time, and Alex loved that about him, how he could put everything about himself and the world in perspective and dissect it almost scientifically.

"Well, I haven't had a girlfriend in, what? three years? And I think that these have been the best years of my life. So I just started wondering, you know? What if it's all a big lie? A fantasy that we all grow into. I think maybe you don't need love to be happy. Maybe you can be happy on your own or just with friends. There is no need to mould your life around just one single person, it doesn't really makes sense, does it?"

Alex thought about it for a long moment. He had always considered that the way to happiness was a combination of personal success and someone to share it with. He did have that fantasy that Charlie was talking about.

"What about the sex?" Alex asked suddenly and Charlie laughed.

"That would be your concern, wouldn't it?" Alex laughed as well, throwing his head back, when his laugh died down a bit he looked over at Charlie and found him staring at Alex fondly.

Suddenly, it all made sense. Yes, maybe romantic love was unnecessary, maybe one could live without ever falling in love and be happier than anyone else. Alex thought about never going out on dates again and it didn't feel like it would be such a loss. He had fun on dates and he really liked sex but it wasn't as fulfilling as half the conversations he had with Charlie or as just writing a good song. He could go without romantic love as long as he had his talent and his friends. He could stop worrying about his feeling for Charlie being more than just friends because it didn't change anything.

"So, love is not necessary." He said looking into Charlie's eyes and feeling like the world had just expanded infinitely.

"Love is not necessary." Charlie agreed and pushed the game controller back into Alex's hand, rearranging himself into his playing position.

THE END