Disclaimer: Standard still applies.
A/N: Last one for now. And as a warning: this is crack. And a fairytale.

Now Kiss

"Oh hell no." Kurt said as he looked down at his outfit. "I am not going to be the princess in this story. Just because I like clothes and Lady Gaga and will sing girl's songs does not mean that I am the princess in this story."

Okay. And that makes sense. Legit reasons, I get 'cha. No worries.

Kurt smiled as he was in a dashing prince outfit, "This is much better."

Only now Puck, who was a few leagues away, was yelling and shaking his fist at the sky, "What the hell just happened? I was doing my math homework when suddenly I'm like, on a horse and I know that I'm a prince and then something happened—" Kurt happened. Kurt was unhappy. "—And then, apparently, Kurt happened and now I'm stuck in a tower as a princess." He paused and cross his arms, "Clearly I should never do homework if this is what happens when I try to do it.

But it's okay that Puck is the princess because now we're going against gender roles and all that jazz.

"But I'm a man! I have man-balls!" Puck argued.

And so does Kurt. Kurt is a man with man-balls too.

"I am not going to be some damsel in distress so that Kurt can save me." Puck growled out.

And okay. Fine. Fine.

No one wants to be the princess in this story.

Fine.

I'll just go in a corner and cry my eyes out because no one is working with me in this story and it sucks so hard and I'm just trying to work out a fairytale with you two because you're perfect for each other and I just want you to kiss and maybe have sex and is that too much to ask? I'm totally going to write about this in my journal now, you bastar—

"Fine." Puck sighed, "I'll be your damn princess."

You will?

Puck narrowed his eyes, "No. Fuck it. Make up some other fairy tale. I know you can do it."

Okay. I'll try.

Here we go.

Kurt was on a Quest to go and slay a dragon— "I can get some awesome dragon boots." —yes, yes. Anyway, he was going to slay a dragon but what he didn't know was that Puck was also on his way to slay the same dragon.

"Fuck yes. This is a role I can get behind." Puck smirked as he rode towards Dragon Mountain.

It's an aptly named place.

It was the base of Dragon Mountain that they met. "We go to high school together!" Puck yelled, ruining my script, "We are friends!"

Kurt rolled his eyes, "Stop playing hard to get, Puckerman. Just play along."

Puck got off his horse and started making camp, Kurt walking up to him after a few minutes, wondering if he could join him. "I assume you're here to kill a dragon?" Kurt asked.

Puck nodded. "Yeah, but only because the other option is being a princess for you to save."

Kurt nodded, "Same here. But we could kill one together. I don't really want to face one on my own."

"Legit." Puck nodded. "Alright. We'll go after the dragon in the morning then? I'm dead tired."

So they started to go to sleep but IT WAS WINDY AND COLD AND MAYBE EVEN SNOW— "What the fuck? It was summer a moment ago! Stop playing with the weather you bitch!" —AND SO TO KEEP WARM THEY HAD TO SNUGGLE TOGETHER.

In the morn, it was sunny and all the snow melted. But the two men were glad that they were able to spoon and keep warm because it was been chilly last night. So chilly that they had thought that maybe they should've had sex to keep warm— "If you wanted us to have sex," Puck started, "then you shouldn't have made the ground so full of rocks." —oops.

"I didn't sleep well at all." Kurt growled, "Couldn't get comfortable because of the rocks. And I don't have any coffee because we're in a fairy tale and it's so unfair."

If you think this is unfair, try having to get a melted candy bar out of it's wrapper — that is so unfair because it's all gooey and the chocolate won't come out and it's just so horrible and why would this happen to me I think I'll go write about it in my journal and—

"Just get on with the story."

Oh, right.

They climbed the mountain which was really hot because it was summer— "IT SNOWED LAST NIGHT." —and so they took their shirts off to stay cool.

When they got to the cave where the Dragon dwelled, they were shocked to see that the dragon had died peacefully in it's sleep due to old age. "What."

Legit. It did.

Killing dragons is animal cruelty you know. I won't have you killing any dragons.

"I'm going to kill you." Puck said, going to grab his sword, but Kurt put a hand on Puck's wrist to stop him.

"It's not worth it, Puck. Don't fight with the narrator."

Ignoring the threat of death, I shall continue the story. The two had an easy time burying the dead dragon, and so they decided that since the cave was furnished with TV and food and everything they wanted (including a love shack, baby) they would stay.

And live together.

"As friends."

NOT AS FRIENDS.

NOW KISS.