All or None

"Katniss?"

The familiar call of my name snapped me out of my frozen trance. I hadn't even realized I had slipped into it or for how long I simply stared, yet suddenly the sky was much darker. I could no longer see into the gap in front of me. All I could see was the flickering lantern light bobbing towards me, and the concerned but relived look on Peeta's face as he joined my side.

"I had a feeling I might find you…"

Peeta's voice trailed as he too got into position to see the hidden atrium of the garden. He stared at it in shock, almost slipping into the same trance I had. I could only stare at him desperately, needing him to confirm what I was seeing or else I feared I might have finally lost it.

"Wow," he said quietly, enchanting me with his small smile. "Someone must really like you."

I felt the pressure in my chest tumble out of me as he took my hand and led me inside.

The area was tiny compared to the vastness of the grounds. It was smaller than our bedroom back home. Yet the stars in the young night sky seemed to shine especially bright on the colorful flowers that blossomed there. A curved stone bench sat predominately in the middle, but there were no words on it or any other stone in the vicinity. To nearly anyone else it would have looked like a simple addition to the garden, significant only in the absurd lengths taken to keep it hidden. Nearly anyone else would give only a cursory glance to the area before moving on. With a barrage of monuments and exotic plant life abounding in the Peace Garden, why waste time in a secluded section filled only with ordinary primroses?

Peeta placed his lantern down between us on the bench as we sat in silence. The primroses rustled gently from the small breeze that had found its way into the gap in the hedge. It was then that I noticed the small stone figures acting as guardians on either side of the garden. The sob I had been struggling against in my throat finally emerged as I placed the shapes of a curmudgeon cat and nanny goat.

Peeta squeezed my hand as we soaked in the hidden and inexplicable monument to my sister. I wanted to close my eyes and focus all my attention on forcing away the pressure in my chest, yet I could not look away. I feared that if I blinked this wondrous scene before me would vanish. I therefore foolishly allowed myself to hold on to the childish hope that if I just waited long enough I would see my sister amongst the flowers, singing softly as she smiled to me.

I swallowed hard and blinked out a tear as I chided myself for making such a ridiculous wish.

"This is incredible," Peeta said softly as I continued to look away from him. "Did you…did you see this earlier today?"

I shook my head as I continued to cast my gaze on the garden.

"Only a flash of it," I admitted quietly, my voice struggling against the battle in my chest. I could feel Peeta's gaze on me in the same manner as I had felt everyone else's that day. I hated the feeling of resentment that burned in my mind. There was no one else in the world I would want to share such a remarkable gift with then him, yet the setting only reinforced the painful realization I had made at the faire.

"Today was too much," he finally stated when I remained quiet. "We should have left right after the tour…"

"Today was wonderful, Peeta," I interrupted solemnly. "The Garden, the faire…all of it. You were right, this really will help us all to move on."

I heard Peeta's swallowed breath as he struggled to find the source of my discontent.

"Then what happened?" he asked, squeezing my hand lovingly as he continued to stare into my turned face. "Why did you leave?"

I paused to hate myself as I thought about his question.

"I was too happy," I replied, despising the self-deprecating response. I pulled my hand away from his and turned my face further, too ashamed of myself to look at him. I did not deserve the comfort he gave me, and I couldn't bear to see what my statement would do to him. I shut my eyes as he gently turned my chin back towards him.

"What do you mean?" he pressed lightly as his thumbs ran across my knuckles. I couldn't help but melt as I caught the softness of his eyes in the flicker of lantern light.

"It was just all so…big," I struggled and I worked to decode what I really felt. "The Rebellion I mean, and everything before and after. I knew it was, yet seeing all of it laid out like this it was just so big. And our part we played was important, but still we were just…"

"One strand on the willow tree?" he suggested as I struggled for a metaphor. I breathed out deeply, the knot in my chest loosening a bit upon his understanding, and I wanted nothing more but to wrap my arms around him.

"Exactly," I replied as I forced my hands to stay pressed firmly against my legs. "And seeing how small of a part I played in the grand scheme of things made me feel…freed. And I spent the whole day feeling like I didn't have a past. There was just you and me and all our friends and it was wonderful…"

My throat caught on the last word, my voice constricting as it fought against what I meant to say next. My cheeks flushed painfully as the pressure built back up in my chest. My every instinct screamed at me to stay quiet, to run from this spot, from him, from the crushing barrier that stood between us. There would be no going back from this if I brought it up, and the thought bled my very soul. I could feel all of my fears and nightmares swirling around my beating heart as though a fate worse than death awaited me on the other side of this conversation.

But as Peeta tucked my loose hair behind my ear, waiting patiently for me to resume, I knew I had to tell him. I had been running from him, from this, for too long. I couldn't keep it buried in me any longer, especially after today. Peeta deserved to hear what I had to say.

"…and then I saw you out dancing with that little girl on your feet, how natural and happy you looked with her…and I had little Thommy in my arms, and for the first time ever I really wanted…"

I shut my eyes, unable to watch his reaction to my desire.

"But I can't…I don't know if I can ever…fill up those empty bedrooms for you."

I exhaled a silent sob at my admission, my heart caving in my chest as silence washed over the night. The moment I said the words I wanted to take them back. My stomach clenched painfully at the idea of never holding our son or seeing Peeta dance with our daughter. A small something deep inside of me ached hard for them. Yet I only needed to open my eyes to know why I could never bring them to be.

"Katniss…" Peeta called quietly, cupping my chin as I struggled against tears. We had never had an actual conversation about having children, though I knew he wanted them badly. Neither of us seemed to want to breech the subject to the other. Every other issue in our relationship could be handled either by compromise or persuasion. There was nothing I wouldn't do for him nor him for me. But this could not be remedied by compromise or sweet words. It was all or none, and either way we both lost.

"I loved her so much," I sobbed, tears spilling down my face as I finally opened my eyes. "I loved her so much, and I couldn't save her…"

Peeta crushed me into his chest as I let myself fall into hysterics. I cried and moaned like I rarely allowed myself to do. Five years of pain and guilt and loss spilled out of me as I thought of my sister. She was the one who deserved to live. She would have continued to help people, heal people. She would have continued with purpose and worth. She would have loved her partner so deeply, wouldn't drive him away, wouldn't blow the chances she was given or take them for granted.

Peeta stayed silent and simply held me as I broke in his arms. He rocked me back and forth, kissed my hair softly, and offered his new shirt up as I stained it with my snot and tears.

"It still hurts so badly," I finally choked. "I keep waiting for time to lessen the pain, but it just gets worse. Every time I feel like I've gained a part of my life back I just remember that she's not in it and I just crash."

"It's always going to hurt," Peeta agreed as he lay his forehead on mine. "She was your sister."

I know he meant his words to soothe, but his comfort only caused another jolt of pain to shoot through me as he only added fire to my fears.

"And how am I expected to survive when the same thing happens to our child?" I asked blankly.

Peeta pulled his head back in shock. The steadiness in my voice did not match the desperation in my chest as I asked my question.

"They're going to come for them."

It didn't matter who they were. The Capitol, the rebels, common murders, diseases, accidents…they were all out there, threating to take what was good, threatening to strip away the small plot of joy and hope we had managed to cultivate.

"I can't have children with you knowing that they're going to come for them." My voice quivered with my inflection but I managed to suppress a sob. The fact that my words caused Peeta's eyes to flood with unyielding pain shattered my heart and soul to a million fractures, but I at least managed to keep him from feeling obligated to comfort me.

I wanted him to challenge me. I wanted him to refute my stubborn decree with his gentle logic like he had done with so many other things. I wanted nothing more for him to use his beautiful words to soothe me and prove me wrong, to promise me that we could have children that would grow to be nothing but happy, healthy adults. If anyone could convince me of such a ludicrous truth it would be Peeta. I was almost ready to believe in anything he told me to the contrary just to make the aching void in my chest dissipate.

But he said nothing. He didn't move, he didn't yell, he didn't cry. He just sat there, looking at me in disbelief. Anxiety and panic weighed upon my chest as I watched him simply stare at me. Nightmares of him getting up to walk away, to leave me, to find someone else flashed across my eyes and dug into my chest, but I shut the feeling out. I quickly grabbed Peeta's hand, squeezing it tight in my sweaty grasp as I silently begged him to stay.

"It's been five years and more often than not I feel like I'm kept together by thread and hope. But even then, even at my worst I feel like I don't deserve what I have. I don't deserve you, and you shouldn't want to be with me."

Panic burst across Peeta's face, pulling him out of his trance as he processed my words.

"Katniss…what are you saying?"

I took Peeta's other hand and turned to face him, staring him dead on so in no certain terms could he misinterpret my design.

"Peeta, I would break without you. Just the thought of anything happening to you…"

I stopped. I had to stop. To swallow hard. To shut out the tears. To suppress the pain and the desire to drown myself in the peaceful fountain just yards away.

"After my father died I hated my mother. I couldn't understand how she could pull away from us like that. She was our mother and we needed her. But now I get it, and now I know she's stronger than I would be in that situation…I wouldn't let myself live without you."

"Katniss, stop!" he demanded angrily, grabbing my arms roughly as he pulled me to him. "Don't you ever think like that!"

"I can't help it," I mewled, relaxing into his forceful hold as I felt the pulse in his neck. "I feel so imbalanced and the slightest thing can threaten to topple me over. How can I bring a child into this world when I'm like this? How can I be a mother that a baby needs when I can't even walk through a garden without falling apart?"

Peeta stared at me, disbelief returning to his eyes as he shook his head.

"Is that what's been bothering you about us?" he asked as he gently brushed the wisps of hair away from my face. "That I want us to have kids?"

"You are everything to me. I love you so much, and I know without a doubt you would do anything for me. I want more than anything to be that for you."

"You already are," he stated firmly and he pulled me back into his arms.

"I know you think that, but…"

"No, Katniss," he said swiftly, cutting off my dejected concern confidently. "You are my everything. Living with you, making you laugh, being the one you confide in, that's more than everything I ever wanted. I love you. And I don't need anything else but you."

I shook my head so his sweet words couldn't settle in my ears.

"Right now. But what about ten years from now when you're tired of being with an irrational mess who still won't have children?"

And there it was. Out in the open. My biggest, truest fear. More so than my past catching up to me. More so even than something happening to Peeta, for my life was tied to his and the wrenching pain from his loss would only hurt for the length of time it would take for me to join him. No, I feared something more decimating than his death.

He would resent me. He would grow wary of my emotions and denials. He would stay with me, keeping his promise of always, but the look of love and adoration would dull from his eyes. He would keep me, but he wouldn't want me.

And I couldn't blame him when I felt him once again pull away from me.

His ardent expression fell as he stared at me. Again he said nothing, but as the silence past I felt the air around us grow tense. His blue eyes narrowed and his lips pressed thin as though he were blocking out his disdain.

"What are you afraid of?" he commanded curtly.

My mouth quivered in vulnerable shock at his question.

"Peeta…I just told you…"

"No, not about why you don't want kids," he cut off quickly. "Everything you just said, about Prim and your mother and them, I completely understand. What I don't get is that if this is what has been wedged between us for the past few months why are you only just now telling me?"

I continued to stare at him blankly, completely flummoxed by his response.

"I only just…why would I want…"

The anger started seething in my chest as he raised his eyebrows and shook his head as though he were growing impatient at my heartbreak.

"Why the hell would I want to disappoint you like that!?" I demanded, standing up quickly so I could pull my shaking body away from him.

"Fine. So say I'm disappointed. Say this was the most disappointing thing you could ever tell me!" he shouted, standing up and pushing his face violently towards mine. Rage and pain began to pulse throughout my whole being at his cruel reaction to my heart's terror. I clenched my fists as I stared into his cold blue eyes, and part of me almost hoped he was relapsing. That Hijacked Peeta was the one shouting the words. But as he glared back at me I knew the man I loved still had full control of his actions.

My heart cracked.

"Say this was the worst fucking thing you could ever do to me," he posed, his voice still garnished with ferocious intensity as he moved his face even closer to mine. I looked up at him, letting him see the tears and anger and hurt that filled my eyes as he broke my foundation of trust, unable to say a word.

His hands moved to grab my face. I snarled and fought his hold like a wild animal, but he stood strong and unmoving in front of me.

"What do you think would happen next?"

His question paralyzed me. I shut my eyes, my neck hunched as I had frozen mid-struggle. A worn, calloused, loving thumb brushed my cheek.

"What do you think would happen to us after that? What are you afraid of?"

He pulled his hands away, releasing me from what I then realized had been a gentle embrace. My head snapped up as I watched him step backwards.

"Do you think I would leave you?" he inquired quietly. "Do you think I would stay but hate you for it?"

Guilt and extreme discomfort shot through my dying anger as he read straight into my soul. He called out my two biggest fears in a soft yet unbelieving tone, as if such ideas were impossible. Like the very thought of him being capable of such things made him sick. Fresh tears welled in my eyes at having caused him such pain. The blend of overwhelming emotion caused my head to blur and stomach churn from the intensity.

"Why are you doing this?" I asked, clutching my stomach as I sat back quickly on the stone bench. My teeth dug into my bottom lip as a tear finally escaped my eye. Peeta bridged the distance between us in two swift strides before he knelt in front of me.

"Because making you mad is sometimes the only way you'll listen, sweetheart."

My gaze flickered down to his now warmed eyes, and despite all the fresh and vulnerable pain that coursed through me I couldn't help the small upward curve of my lips.

"This worry that you have about us, this pain you're carrying about what you think the future holds, it's not real. And we have to get rid of it."

He gently grabbed my still shaking hands and brought them to his lips. He breathed in deeply as he placed a sweet kiss to the skin before laying them over his chest. His racing heart betrayed his true feelings of anxiety despite the calm look in his eye. I tugged on his shirt desperately until he sat next to me on the bench. I needed him close to me, needed him to understand. I needed more than anything to simply wrap my arms around him and let his warm embrace carry my fears away…

So I did.

I launched myself into his readied arms and lost myself in his love and comfort. It floored me how doing such a thing, even in the midst of such a terrifying battle, could always cause the light to flood through my chest.

"I love you, Peeta," I proclaimed when I was finally able to steady my breathing. "I can't stand the idea of losing you."

"That's not gonna happen," he replied steadily, laying his head on top of mine. "As long as you just talk to me about what's going on."

"This is the kind of thing that breaks even the strongest couples apart," I debated rationally. "And I believe it when you say I'm enough for you, but can you honestly tell me that you're not hoping that one day I'll change my mind?"

Peeta pulled his head back to look at me thoughtfully. A slight but sad smile filled his face as he prepared what he wanted to say.

"My mother shouldn't have had children," he said simply. "At the very least she should have stopped at one. She wasn't maternal, hated messes, and viewed my brothers and me as a net loss on resources. Yet I doubt she ever once asked herself why she had kids with my father. She was so unhappy, more so than our circumstances warranted. She resented us and my father, and it made us all miserable."

"So you think I'm like her?" I asked, my voice cracking at the detestable comparison.

"You're nothing like her," he stated firmly. "But growing up like that, living like that…it was awful. These last few years living with you has made that so clear. I love our life, even with the nightmares, because of how strong our relationship is. And that means more to me than anything else. I could never resent you for how you feel about not wanting kids, and I couldn't stand the idea of you resenting me for feeling like I pressured you."

"You haven't," I assured ardently as I grabbed his hands. "I'm just…I just hate this whole question of the future. Thinking that far ahead still makes me feel crazy."

"Katniss, I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm not exactly a beacon of mental health and stability," he countered so lightly I couldn't help but smile.

"This is a…weird day. I think it always will be. And I would much rather be talking to you about the uncertainties in our future than the horrors in our past, and go to a kind of messed up festival than a Reaping, but I think it put some things out of perspective. I love Delly's and Lucien's kids, but I'm definitely not ready to have any of our own."

"Really?" I asked, and though I knew his next words would be heavy I felt the load of my guilt lessen.

"I'm…I'm not always safe to be around," he admitted painfully. "It comes and goes in phases, and lately it's been fine, but a few weeks back I felt myself…slipping. I don't know if I could fully trust myself not to hurt you…or your baby…"

"Peeta, that would never happen," I said quickly, stroking his hands soothingly as I kept my face calm. "There's no way you could ever do that."

"Just like I know there is no way you wouldn't be there for our kids when they needed it," he retorted. "It's just not who you are."

I sucked in a shaky breath at his vote of confidence. The certainty in his gaze was almost overwhelming, and for the first time I felt myself questioning my doubts.

"I understand your worries, Katniss. I really do. And I'm just as afraid of us starting a family and something happening to them, or finding out that I'm unfit to be a parent. But I also can't help but to see hope in that future. I think that creating that new life would help us heal and be a wonderful, joy bringing experience that would only make us closer. We would do everything to give them the life we didn't have growing up. And I would love them so much."

Peeta laughed at himself when he realized he had brought himself to tears. I sat back as I watched him wipe at his cheek, smiling so brightly at the thought of such a happy future I couldn't help but believe his vision to be true.

"I would too," I admitted, my heart melting at the thought of a laughing, blue eyed child wrapped up in my arms. "And part of me really does want to have that life with you. I just don't know if I could ever…be ready."

"We don't have to worry about that right now," he reminded, tucking a strand of my hair behind my ear. "We have plenty of time for all that."

"What if I'm never ready?" I asked in a cracked whisper.

Peeta released his full, beautiful smile on me as he pressed his forehead against mine.

"Then I'm the luckiest person in the world, because I get to spend the rest of my life not having to share you with anyone."

I paused before groaning in humor as I felt his soppy grin beaming against my face.

"That was cheesy, Mellark," I replied as I rolled my eyes with my own smirk.

"I meant every word!" he said in false aghast. "It can be just you and me, and if we ever feel like we have a void we need to fill we can just get a bunch of cats…oh wait!"

The laughter exploded from my mouth as he wrestled me back into his arms. His playfulness and affection caused the last of the heavy pain in my chest to dissipate, allowing me to give myself to him fully. I pulled on his face and kissed him deeply. A moan resonated in my throat at his eager response.

"Don't worry about it," he whispered sweetly in my ear. "I'm not worried about it. As long as we're open and talk to each other about these things we'll always be strong."

I closed my eyes and absorbed his words, in ecstasy over the way they washed over me with love and security.

"Now why didn't you just say that instead of serving me cheese?" I inquired as I began to kiss and bite his neck.

"You love cheese," he replied back flippantly. "Besides, like I said before, you never listen to me the first time I tell you anything so I gotta save the good stuff for later."

I gasped as I felt his cool hand travel up my shirt, tracing gentle patterns down my spine as shivers ran through it.

"Well what fun what it be if I gave in at the beginning?" I retorted, shifting my weight so sat in his lap. I dragged my hips across him slowly, curling my toes as his breath became more labored. "I can't make your life too easy, Peeta."

Peeta's hands snapped to my hips to stop my movements. His gaze was clouded and his chest rose and fell rapidly.

"I got to get you home before I end up getting us both banned from the Peace Garden for lewd public acts," he grunted, raising to his feet with my legs still wrapped around him.

"At least then we wouldn't be expected to come back next year," I whispered in his ear before kissing it and sliding myself to the ground.

Peeta swept me up into a short but passionate kiss, a promise of things to come, before pulling away to gather the lantern. I breathed happily and spent the moment taking in my sister's memorial one last time. It was still hard to believe someone had taken the time to create this private sanctum, and I couldn't help but appreciate its simple beauty. Prim would have loved it, and it gave me a swelled sense of joy to think that perhaps her spirit or essence or memory or whatever could be laid to rest there instead of the dredges of the Capitol.

My eyes flickered back over to Peeta. My heart beat rapidly as I thought about all we had been through. He knew me better than anyone. He loved me for all of me and in spite of me. He was my whole reason for being, and in that peaceful moment I was happier than I had ever been. I didn't have to lose him. I didn't have to push him away. He would always take me, always understand me. For the first time in my life I found that I wasn't afraid of the future, because I knew he would always be in it. Suddenly the fear that had been clouding my heart lifted. Suddenly everything was clear.

"Are you alright?" he asked, holding the lantern out and smiling at me hesitantly. I let the warmth in my chest radiate up as I beamed at him in return.

"Peeta, will you marry me?"