Freeing her Buns Off

By Lady of Spain

Disclaimer: S. Meyer owns Twilight.

A/N: This story was originally included as a drabble, but a lot of readers overlook those. I thought I would publish this as a stand alone O/S. I just loved this little ditty, and hope you do too.

Whistling as he picked up the phone, Jacob said, "Hey, Bells. Ya wanna come out to play? I thought we might get the hell out of here and go ice skating up near the Canadian border. Whaddya say?" C'mon, girl, say yes. The filthy tick had you on his tight leash for two whole weeks now. My turn!

"You will? Great—I'll pick you up in a jif."

Bella actually owned a pair of ice skates. She loved to skate. While she lived in Phoenix, Renee would take her to the rink. She was too uncoordinated to do any flips or spirals, but gliding along the rink was fun, relaxing even.

It was nice seeing Jacob again, and getting away for awhile. His sunrise smile warmed her heart. God, she realized how much she missed her best friend these last two weeks.

It took a while to get up close to the border but with Jacob chatting all the while, the time seemed to fly by. They finally settled on a small frozen lake near Nooksack.

She should have guessed that Jacob would be a pro on the ice. He skated rings around her, doing triple lutz', toe loops, spins and back flips. Bella had all she could do to stay upright. She did more skating with her rear end than with her skates. Jacob didn't mind; he enjoyed lifting her off the ice and into his arms. He purposely did several lifts and spins with her hanging onto him for dear life.

The temperature out there was freezing, but with Jacob around, she was toasty warm. His heat penetrated clear through her parka. They got to stay for a good ninety minutes before they had to stop and eat.

They pulled into a diner and looked over the menu. Jacob announced, "Now don't go spoiling my fun. Order whatever you want. I've got this."

Bella looked up from the menu, right into Jacob's warm ebony eyes. "Jake . . . I don't think you can afford this. I'm perfectly willing to go Dutch treat. I don't want you spending your hard earned money on me. You've spent enough on gas as it is."

Leaning forward in his seat, he followed with, "Tell me something, Bella. Are you having fun? 'Cuz I'm having fun. Do you even remember what fun is?"

"Of course, I'm having fun. I always have fun whenever I'm with you. But that's not the point."

"Jeez, Bells, that is the point. That's exactly the point. I saved up the money just for this trip; so we could have some fun together. Now, go ahead and order. Don't be ordering the cheapest item on there either." Man, she can be stubborn sometimes.

Rolling her eyes, she countered, "Okay, Mr. Trump, I'll have a pastrami on rye with a side of coleslaw."

When the waitress came by, Jacob gave her the order, "That's two for me and one for the lady. I'll have a side of French fries too. And a Root beer for me . . ." He glanced at Bella, "What do want to drink, honey?"

"I'll have a Dr. Pepper—large please." Bella folded the menu and handed it to the waitress.

As the woman walked away, Jacob commented. "I thought you didn't do caffeinated drinks."

Bella scowled at him. "What are you, the soda Nazi?"

"That would be soda jerk," he snapped back at her.

"You said it, not me. Anyway, Edward's not here. He's constantly restricting my caffeine intake. I'm with you today; I can drink all the Dr. Pepper I want, so there."

"I didn't say you couldn't drink it, I was just . . . oh, hell, forget it. " It's so not worth it.

While they were eating, the waitress came back and refilled Bella's glass. She gave Jacob the stink eye, and snarled, "Don't start with me again, Jake."

Jacob threw up his hands. "I didn't say a word."

After the last crumb was eaten and the last sip of her pop was slurped, they got back in the car and drove around, then the couple headed home.

They hadn't gotten far, when nature was calling—loudly. "Jake, can we stop somewhere. I've gotta pee."

Snickering, Jacob offered, "See, I told you not to drink all that Dr. Pepper. Runs through you every time."

"Never mind the lecture—can we stop somewhere?"

Jacob looked over at the wiggling mass beside him. "Where are we gonna stop? There is nothing out here but snow and pine trees. Can you hold it a little while longer?"

"I'll try." Oh, gosh, she was starting to feel very uncomfortable.

They drove for another thirty minutes and you guessed it—more snow, more trees, and no gas stations or restaurants. Bella was about ready to burst. She had to go now, or Jacob's beloved Rabbit would be flooded.

Bella's face was overshadowed by a look of sheer panic. "Jake, please, you've got to pull over somewhere if you don't want me peeing on the seat."

Jacob shook his head. It's not like he didn't warn her. But did she listen? Noooo—of course not.

"Okay, hold on. I'll turn onto this forest road up ahead to get away from the main highway."

A few minutes later they were secluded among the pines, and Jacob pulled off to the side of the dirt road. He opened her door and shut it behind her. Then he popped the back door leaving it open so she could have some privacy. He ran around to the other side, sitting back down in the driver's seat.

The ground underneath Bella's feet was slick with ice, so after she crouched and pulled her pants down, she leaned against the rabbit's back bumper to steady herself. Brrr, it was so cold.

What a relief, the fluid gushed from her bladder onto the icy ground. She started to pull up her pants when, uh-oh—what the . . .? She couldn't get her pants drawn up. Yes, folks, her rear end was essentially adhered to the metal bumper. She tried to wiggle free, but it was frozen solid. What a humiliating, and I might add, painful situation. It could only happen to Bella Swan. My gosh, what was she going to do? She was literally stuck to the stupid car.

She crouched there thinking about how to get out of this mess. Several minutes passed and she was getting cold.

In the meantime, Jake was scratching his head wondering what was taking her so long. She was just taking a whiz, for Pete's sake. Maybe it was different for girls? Nah! Maybe she waited too long, and can't go now? He didn't want to embarrass her, but he was starting to worry. Should he walk back there and see what the problem was?

He didn't have to mull it over too long, 'cuz Bella let out a blaring whine. "Jake, can you come here a minute?"

He bolted out the door, racing to her rescue. His eyes bugged out of his head when he saw her predicament. She had her coat pulled down as far as it would go to cover herself.

Bella sighed loudly and lowered her eyes; she couldn't be more mortified. "You've gotta help me Jake. It's just what it looks like. My butt and your Rabbit's bumper are one."

Jacob nodded and then burst out laughing.

She looked up at his towering figure, "Jacob Black, this is sooo not funny!"

He tried to keep a straight face but it was impossible. "I know," he choked out as his laughter exploded again.

Despite her embarrassment, she couldn't help joining him. This whole situation was just plain ridiculous. When their laughter finally subsided, Jacob got an idea on how to free her buns.

"Okay, Bells. Here's the plan. We need some hot liquid to separate you from the bumper, right? And coincidentally, I just happen to run at 109 degrees. So look the other way, and I'll do the same." Jeez, I hope my aim is good.

She sighed again, and stared at the ground as Jacob unzipped his pants and aimed a stream of urine in the general direction of her rear end. She felt her skin peeling away from the car and quickly pulled up her pants. Jacob turned away from her, zipping up his jeans.

"Jacob," she said softly, "Could you help me up; my legs are numb."

"Sure, sure," he answered. As he pulled Bella to her feet, he winked at her. Then he whispered, "This will remain our little secret, but I want you to remember that on this day, Jacob Black—aka, The Whiz Kid—literally saved your butt."