Disclaimer: I do not own the hunger games. Warning this may contain spoilers from the books and is pure crack. Not to be taken seriously.
Summary: Katniss is tired of Haymitch's drunken ways. She decides to make a list of things banned for him to say or do. Implied Everlark.
Banned
He almost ignored the piece of paper that was attatched to his door. If it wasn't for the fact that it was practically hitting him in the face as he struggled to get the door unlocked he would have never noticed it. In perfectly neat hand writing he saw his name scrawled and for a moment he even considered not even bothering to read it. He sighed pulling it from his door to look it over.
Haymitch you are hereby banned from saying/doing the following.
1. You may not come into my house while Peeta is over screaming that you smell something in the oven.
2. You may not ask if Peeta has put bread in my oven yet.
3. You may not laugh about something baking in the oven and referring to Peeta and I having children. Or anything about ovens and bread ever.
4. You may not come 'Trick or Treat' at my house just because I am a victor and might possibly have candy.
5. You may not ask for alcohol as a substitute for candy when you come over.
6. You may not refer to yourself as the only Victor with a brain. If you hadn't killed all your brain cells from drinking you might have gotten away with that but not now.
7. You may not come over and gush about how funny it is that Peeta likes my squirrels.
8. You may not make your own theme song. Nor may you make a theme song about me.
9. No crack marks about Finnick's last name. 'Where's Finnick?' 'Odair he is' for example.
10. You are never allowed to sing this again 'I walk into the forest and what do I see. Katniss shooting squirrels and climbing up trees. She's got a Bow and she ain't afraid to show it show it. I'm Haymitch and I know it' which makes no sense whatsoever but seeing as you are a drunk…
11. Speaking of singing you may not remake Adel's song Set Fire and use any reference to me or the Hunger Games. I.e "She set fire To the Games."
12. Nor may you sing 'We found buns in a hopeless place.'
13. You are not allowed to sing period. It is a terrible experience and no one wants to hear you ever.
14. You may not make couple names for Peeta and I. And you will not refer to either one of us as the name that coincidentally sounds a lot like a male body part and then laugh saying it really is our name.
15. Just because you are mad you cannot use Effie's name as a cuss word. No more Effie yous!
16. Nor may you say anyone is Effie crazy. One because you'll hurt Effie's feelings and two there might be small children in the area.
17. You may not refer to my goat as Tina and you may not call her a fat lard while she is pregnant.
18. You may not make lame jokes about Rue's death to try and help me cope with it. Example – Spearing people is so Rue'd. Or you know the Capitol is Rue-ing the day they started the Hunger Games.
19. You may not wonder out loud what Peeta's favorite bread is.
20. Don't lie and tell the Peacemakers you can't eat another bite and that's why you can't watch the Games.
21. You may not tell Effie that you've started an 'uprising' in your 'district' after consuming large amounts of liquor.
22. Nor may you do that sober either.
23. You may not tell Prim that the reason Effie's hair is so big is because she squirrels away information about everyone and hides it in her hair.
24. You may not tell Effie that you don't need to be drunk to see her hotness and then wink at me and say 'Geddit it rhymes with your name'
25. You may not say I'm down to Effie.
26. Nor can you ask anyone if they want to see the President's 'bush'
27. You may not remind Peeta that he was on fire and then ask him if he is flaming.
28. You may not ask people in the Hob if they know the muffin man who lives in District 12.
29. Peeta is not a peetaphile
30. 'Oh for Peeta's sake' is not going to catch on. Stop saying it.
31. You may not ask if I prefer Peeta bread or Gale bread. Those aren't breads they are people.
32. You may not smack Blueberries out of people's hands and scream NO THAT'S NIGHTLOCK!
33. When you pull out your knife you may not tell people you are about to 'Clove them'
34. You are not allowed near open flames. This has already been established… multiple times.
35. You may not urinate on coal and say you are preventing a fire hazard.
36. Nor may you pour any time of liquid on me and say 'I doused the girl on fire!'
37. Nor may you pour any time of liquid on me and say 'Fire contained.' And then 'Oh there goes the rebellion.'
38. You may not offer Finnick sugar cubes and tell him to show you something sweet for it.
39. You may not provoke Finnick, Gale, and Peeta to take off their shirts and ask girls to judge who is the hottest to get sponsors.
40. You cannot give a fork to Finnick and try and convince him it is a mini trident to eat broccoli with.
41. Nor does that mean you can use your fork as a spear and pretend that you are eating people from the Capitol.
42. You are not allowed to say anything about the color pink and Effie in the same sentence.
43. When you have to go to the bathroom you cannot tell everyone you need to Peeta.
44. Nor may you tell anyone they smell like KatPee
45. You may not Primise things. You can promise things however.
Signed –
Katniss
Haymitch smirked to himself as he crumpled the paper that was neatly pinned to his door. Didn't that girl know by now that her efforts to try and turn him into a somewhat gentleman were wasted? The girl would have more luck actually looking at her own love life and realizing it was a complete mess before she would get him to do (or not to do) anything on this list.
He smiled as he studied over a few of the numbers again. He was better sure he hadn't done a few of these yet but then again he wasn't always sober enough to remember the mischief he got into anyways.
A/N: So first crack fic ever and first Hunger Games fic. What did you guys think? Please feel free to add some of your own crazy comments (and if you want I will reference you in the future if I do use your lines). I think I am going to randomly update this with more add ons from Haymitch reacting ;). I did get a decent amount of the jokes on here from tumblr but I did make up some of my own.