On The Giant Space Hamster

Damn them. Damnthemdamnthemdamnthem. Every power, every deity, every-bloody-thing that can, damn the gnomes.

The beginning of the chapter on Giant Space Hamsters in Kal Osk'agathos' "A Guide to Wildspace and its Creatures"

"What else do you know about these bally mines then, Jaheira?" Gorion's ward had certainly absorbed the hunger for knowledge that had led Gorion both to his wide travels, and back to Candlekeep when his bones began to ache at too long spent on the road. Perhaps the young fool was starting to learn a little wisdom too, if he had thought to ask now, instead of taking for granted that he knew everything. Still, she could hardly wait before time spent in mercenary dives and slums roughened his speech a little, just enough so that he might actually sound normal. (Suddenly she had to ask if any of her own mentors her had thought the same as she grew up. No, surely not).

The druid looked back at Bragr's newly-scarred face (another lesson for him, given in one of the best ways any adventurer was taught – and he'd have to get himself some grander stories if he wanted to attract girls in taverns now), and answered, "I have never ventured into the pits here at Nashkel, but from experience I can say that we will have need of good torches for dark corners. Far too many monsters are night-sighted, and even the weakest will challenge your skill if you cannot see them."

She would have gone on, but a loud voice called to them. "You, friends! Boo judges that you are good people - he and I go to rescue our witch, Dynaheir. Heroes should have companions, and there is glory for us all. Kind hearts and hamsters will rejoice at our deed!"

The four of them stopped to stare at the man in their way. More accurately, at the huge man, who towered over the two children and the two half-elves, and at the hamster sitting on his shoulder. After a moment of silence as they gathered their wits, Jaheira stepped forward. However, just as she was about to speak, she was interrupted.

"Oh, is your hamster intelligent? Do you adventure together?" Bragr had stepped forward to address the bald warrior – Rashemi by his accent, perhaps? - and was peering eagerly at the duo.

Jaheira blinked. It had been her own assumption, but she had thought it took more than a week of adventuring for people to expect that sort of thing. And Imoen was looking oddly, if fondly, at her friend, so it seemed it wasn't Gorion's influence that would lead Bragr to think in such a way (not, as far as she knew, that Gorion had ever had to deal with intelligent hamsters in any great number anyway).

"You are a wise man," said the giant, "Ever since my h-h-head wound, Boo has accompanied Dynaheir and I. I bought him from a merchant when we came from the east. The fellow told us about the glorious miniature giant space hamsters, and Boo was very friendly. He even showed off by running heroically in his cute little hamster wheel. Soon, Minsc and Boo were joined as friends who make evil across the Realms tremble in its boots!" 'Minsc' finished this off in a roar and stamped his own boots on the ground, as if announcing his readiness to charge off and force evil to tremble in its boots.

"A … miniature giant space hamster?" First impression corrected. The hamster was probably normal, but the man had obviously been severely affected by the blow to his head. Perhaps they should look into some magical healing for it – his stance and the notches on the massive blade slung over his shoulder showed valuable experience, all the more helpful when she and Khalid had their hands full with the task of training two naïve young fools brought up in a library to become serious adventurers. Jaheira would have likened it to herding cats, but the druid thought that might actually have been a relaxing break for her in comparison.

"Really? How lucky for you – they're very rare, don't you know! That might be the only one on this world right now."

"Child, in Silvanus' name, what are you saying? Of all the things, miniature giant -" Jaheira exploded. Had her own charge taken too many knocks to the head?

"- no, no, they absolutely do exist! There's a whole treatise on them in Candlekeep, written by an awfully well-respected scholar. They were bred by gnomes to power their Spelljammers, running the treadmills. There's all sorts of varieties – gnomes love to experiment, don't you know – and one of them is a miniature version. Fantastic pets, very protective, with teeth like little swords." Bragr was as eager to explain as ever - he had never missed an opportunity to show off and attract attention that she had could remember in her time with him. Still, this was beyond reason.

"You must learn not to trust all these things that you read, especially about Spelljamming. People who travel the distances between stars in those ships become … odd. It is simply an unnatural thing to do!" She put her hands on her hips, ready to take the child to task for his credulity.

"Jaheira, the paper was put under every verification spell Candlekeep has. And then they did it again, just to be sure! Honestly, it's all true, and completely fascinating. Actually, I wonder what sort of miniature giant space hamster this is – there's so many kinds."

As Jaheira blinked in stunned amazement, Bragr went over to Minsc and began to gaze up at the little rodent on his shoulder. The man, apparently delighted at someone so interested in his animal companion, lured Boo down and held his hand out to Bragr so that the bard could look. Meanwhile, Imoen moved closer to Jaheira and informed her, "He's not lying, really. He showed it to me when I got told to dust the whole third floor after setting a dozen chickens loose in Ulruant's office."

Jaheira was just processing this new information (and chalking up another worrying item on the list of "Things Imoen should not be allowed to have ever") when Bragr began to talk again.

"Hm. Well, we can rule out lots of them at once. His teeth are far too small for him to be sabre-toothed -"

"S-s-sabertoothed? Why w-would the gnomes want sabre-toothed g-giant hamsters?" Jaheira's husband managed to bring himself out of his own shock to ask the question. Honestly, she couldn't blame him – the prospect was very worrying.

"Research, apparently," Bragr said carelessly, before returning to his careful scrutiny of Boo. "Anyway, being miniature, he can't be either a lesser greater or a greater lesser space hamster. His fur colour and thickness stops him being Oriental, Occidental, woolly, chartreuse, spotted, not-quite-so-spotted, only-a-little-spotted, plaid, ochre, mottled, jungle, armoured or albino." All this was rattled off without a hitch, in a feat that only one with the experience of far too many elocution lessons could have pulled off.

"No, wait! What kind of 'research' leads to sabre-toothed giant space hamsters?" There was a sort of ugly fascination to the question that made Jaheira pose it.

"Gnomish research. Ah, let's see … he's not transparent or invisible either, so he can't be an ethereal miniature giant space hamster. Minsc, can you tell me if he tends to burrow a lot?"

"No, Boo prefers the comfort of his straw. Perhaps he has burrowed into the flesh of evil people when they have spilt his water, though. He is very touchy about that." Jaheira couldn't tell if Minsc's frown was meant to be directed at his hamster's bad habit or against the 'evil people' who upset a hamster's water bowl.

"Well, it's plausible, but the only carnivorous varieties of space hamster also have bat wings, so I think that must all be Boo's own courage – quite a remarkable little chap, I must say. Well then, I think we have to rule out the Tyrannohamsterus Rex – the entire idea there was to make a twenty-five foot tall version, so there'd be no point in -"

"Excuse me, child, but are you telling me that the gnomes deliberately bred a giant version of their giant space hamster?" Jaheira thought that she was accumulating more evidence for her theory that space travel rapidly made a person go utterly insane.

"The notes say they did it 'because it was there'. They'd had their funding taken away after breeding the rather dangerous Two-Headed Lernaean Bombardier Giant Space Hamster, you see, so they didn't really have any aims except to see what was possible. Rather unfortunate, really, the Tyrannohamsteri Reges - correct plural of 'rex', don't you know - ended up being very liable to panic and destroyed the entire colony by rampaging through it. Apparently they're gentle as lamb if you approach them correctly, though."

"I … see." Jaheira saw that she should never trust a gnome with money for research ever again. Nor her charge, judging by the unhealthy degree of knowledge he'd apparently absorbed from this treatise. Next she knew, he'd probably be trying to cross-breed Boo with a dragon or something equally ridiculous.

"Well, then, there's not a lot left. I don't suppose you've ever known him to breathe fire, old chap?"

Strike me down at once, please! Why did I ever tempt the gods by even thinking it?

Minsc's expression began to move from delighted to bewildered as he replied, "No, though I do not understand why you might think Boo would do that."

"You see, there was this whole business with a Fire-breathing Phase Doppelgänger Giant Space Hamster. That actually got the research team put in jail, poor blighters. He's not been blinking out of existence or changing into other animals, then?" How Bragr's face stayed innocently eager and inquisitive whilst spouting such absurdity entirely escaped her.

"Minsc … does not think so?" Apparently even their new friend was starting to become wary of the bard now. Quite understandable, Jaheira thought.

"Only two options left then. He could be a purebreed – actually quite valuable, you were really awfully lucky – or he could be a Miniature Giant Space Hamster of Ill Omen". Bragr had deepened his voice to try and make the last part sound ominous, but had overdone it enough to simply sound silly.

Imoen protested. "No, Boo is too cute and sweet and fuzzy to be that! He can't bring doom on people!"

Bragr acceded and said, "Well, I suppose so. After all, his name is Boo, not 'Woolly Rupert', the legendary Giant Space Hamster of Ill Omen. Rather a mouthful, what?"

" … yes. Yes it is. Minsc, where is Dynaheir? I think we should find her, quickly." Anything to move on from this insanity.

"Yes, she is in the gnoll stronghold to the west! Tarry not, Boo will lead us to victory!" Minsc put Boo in a pouch at his side, from which the hamster could look out and eagerly pointed the way out of Nashkel, to his witch.

Or perhaps I'm just going deeper into madness. Save me, please.

As everyone tried to calm down the over-eager ranger, no-one seemed to notice the little curls of smoke wafting out of Boo's pouch ...

Notes:

- General Disclaimer: I own some very tiny bits of this, like most of the dialogue and narration. Everything else, including, but not limited to, Baldur's Gate; Spelljammer; AD&D and so forth is not mine. This is created and posted purely for entertainment and I make nothing from it.

- All the varieties of Giant Space Hamster mentioned here are 'real' ones – I didn't even use all of them. Evidently the Spelljammer team had a lot of fun when they were thinking this one up!

-The original names in this have been chosen for reasons (not necessarily good ones, but, hey). Points to anyone who guesses what those reasons were (more points if you're actually right …).

-I went more with BGI's characterisation than BGII/ToB, so Minsc is patently strange, but still capable of the first person pronoun when not referring to that curious single entity that is 'Minsc and Boo'. Not that he always exercises that capability …

- My first story to be uploaded here, and I chose to make it humour? Why on earth did I choose the genre I'm really kind of crap at for that occasion? Goodness knows.

- Reviews are, of course, appreciated.