Title Hopeless
Characters Vincent, Nijinsky (mentions of Anya
Summary Jin wonders about his motives, while completely overlooking Vincent's.
Author Notes This takes place during the book, while they're in hiding at Grey McLure's beach house.

"Let's talk about Anya," Jin said, drawing a chair up to the table across from Vincent.

The other man stopped what he was doing and looked across at Jin, who was now sitting down. "What about her?" He asked with an edge of discomfort in his voice.

"What are you doing with her?" Jin asked, fully aware that he was out of line in his question. But that's why he was asking it now, when it was just he and Vincent. He'd support whatever answer Vincent gave him in front of the others, but when it was just them, alone, he had a habit of asking questions he should instead be letting go.

"That's none of your business," Vincent answered, defensive.

"You're rewiring her, aren't you?" Jin asked, and of course everyone knew that was what Vincent was doing, but Jin wanted to know just how deeply he was doing it.

"I had to," Vincent answered, cutting the defensive tone from his voice now that the shock of the question had worn off. "Lear would have ordered her killed if I hadn't."

Jin was silent for a moment, contemplating his friend. Sometimes Vincent was beyond easy for him to understand, and other times he was a complete stranger. Jin wasn't sure which Vincent he was seeing right now. "Still, I see the way she looks at you now. It's not just trust, Vincent. You could have wired her to join the team, to think of Lear like a god. But instead you chose to make her fall in love with you. Why?"

"Why?" Vincent asked back, looking at Jin with something akin to annoyance. "Because it was the easiest way, it was the quickest way. And also because I need her."

"You need her?" Jin asked, a touch of incredulity in his voice. "What, to be your personal slave?" The second he said it he wished he hadn't. Vincent's eyes blazed with a rare fury that made Jin uncomfortable.

"I'm not Bug Man," he answered, "and I need her for the team, Jin. I need her because she can access equipment that we need. It's nothing personal."

"It's personal to her," Jin answered, "Because you made it personal. You don't even realize what you've done to her, do you?" Vincent didn't respond to that, he just looked away, eyes refusing to meet Jin's. "Of course you don't, because you can't. You don't know what it's like, to be in love with someone."

"No, Jin, I don't. I'm sorry if you think my actions are harsh-"

"You're doing exactly what we're fighting against, Vince. Don't you find something wrong with that?"

There was a moment of silence then, neither man saying a word, Jin staring at Vincent, and Vincent staring at the wall. He turned back to Jin then, and there was something very close to pain in his eyes. Guilt, maybe? "What was I supposed to do, Jin? I need her to listen to me, for her own good. I'll try to change her back when this is all done."

"It's not that easy, Vince," Jin replied, feeling like an asshole for saying it. "I'm sorry for attacking you. I just kind of know where she's at, being in love with someone who doesn't return your feelings. It's a tough place to be in, and you're lucky you can't experience it."

Vincent shook his head. "I'm not lucky, Jin. I wouldn't wish this on anyone."

"Then maybe we're lucky, then. You're able to make the hard decisions that none of us can make, and you probably wouldn't be able to make them if you felt anything. It's just tough to have feelings for someone like that. Someone who literally can't return them."

Vincent eyed Jin curiously, wondering if there was something beneath Jin's words. "Who are you in love with, Jin?"

Jin stood up then, heading for the door. "I'm going out for a bit, text me if you need me."

"Jin?" Vincent asked again, hating when this happened. He relied on the other man to trust him and back him, and he didn't want to leave anything unsaid between them.

Jin paused at the door, leaning against the wall and looking back at Vincent. "It doesn't matter, Vince. It's just a guy who can't return my feelings for him. Not even if he'd want to."

The admission was a bit of a slap in the face, as far as Vincent was concerned. Sometimes Jin could be the most understanding person in the world, but then there were other times, like this, when he crossed the line. How many times had they had that conversation – how many times had he warned Jin that he couldn't let his emotions get in the way? And now this was one more thing Jin was going to throw in his face, one more let down, one more disappointment. After all, if it hadn't been for Vincent's hasty decision all those years ago, Jin wouldn't be dealing with any of this right now. He wouldn't be involved with BZRK. Vincent had taken that freedom from him.

Jin stood by the door, cursing himself for the comment as soon as he'd said it. He wasn't sure, by Vincent's silence, what his reaction was. Had he crossed the line? Had Vincent really never guessed that he'd formulated feelings for him after all this time? And why was he bringing it up now anyway – jealousy? Was he just jealous of Anya? Was that it? He kept staring at Vincent, who kept staring at the wall. He knew it was up to him to break this verbal stale-mate. "I'm sorry, Vince. I shouldn't have gone there."

"Jin," Vincent started, closing his eyes momentarily, still refusing to look at the other man, "Just because I can't love you, it doesn't mean I can't care about you."

That was unexpected. "I know," Jin answered, because there was nothing else for him to say.

"I care about all of you," Vincent elaborated, "But I care about you a little bit more." That was true – because Jin had been there the longest. Because Vincent had gotten to know Shane Huang before getting to know Nijinsky. The stress of this whole situation getting to him, Vincent leaned forward, pressing his elbows against the table top and his head into his hands. He'd had a life time of learning to deal with his constant state of depression, but that coupled with the stress of being responsible for a whole group of people was getting to be a little too much to handle. "I really need your support," he said, his voice just a touch above a whisper. "I hate myself for what I'm doing with Anya, but I honestly don't have a choice. There are too many deaths on my conscience, too many bodies. I don't want another one."

Without thinking Jin moved from the door, closing the distance between he and Vincent. He stood by him, an arm around the other man's shoulders, a hand reaching down to grip one of Vincent's. "You have my support," he whispered back, leaning forward to press his lips to Vincent's temple. "You do the things that none of us would be able to do, and I'm sorry if I let my own feelings get in the way." He was sorry. It was rare enough to see Vincent like this – vulnerable, but it wasn't the first time Jin was a witness to it. He should have known better.

"This isn't as easy for me as you think," Vincent replied, grateful that Jin had dropped his attitude. "It's never been easy, though I know you've had a hard time believing that."

"I just have a hard time understanding you," Jin said in response, "You're so good at what you do that it's hard to remember sometimes that you're not a robot. You'd think I'd be used to you by now," Jin said with a bit of a laugh.

Vincent said nothing in response, choosing instead to thread his fingers with Jin's. He hated to think of what things would be like if he'd never taken the younger man into the group. As frustrating as Jin could be at times, he was so full of life that it kept Vincent going. Jin was precisely the sort of person Vincent wanted to save, by fighting AFGC.

Jin leaned down closer to Vincent, wrapping his arm around the other man's chest. "You do what you need to do with Anya, Vince, and I'll support you." He pressed his lips to Vincent's temple again, no longer concerned about what Vincent would think of it. His secret was out, and maybe that was for the better. Maybe Vincent would confide in him more, maybe he'd share more of himself. Jin would just stick by his side and play his part, seeking out everything else he was after from someone else. An army of someone's, to make up for everything he'd never get from Vincent.