Summary: Kirk wishes he could go back to before he knew he was in love with Spock. Kirk/Spock. Spock/Uhura established.

Disclaimer: If you recognize it from canon or licensed works, I don't own it. I make no money off this, just joy.

A/N: Thank you to Rick, Jake, Michael, Leo, Nathan, and Cass, who helped me shape this into something I feel proud to share, something I've tried very hard to keep in-character. (And please let me know if you disagree!)

Posted: 4/21/2012

Last edited: 3/3/2013

It starts as a twinge when Jim realizes that Commander Spock and Nyota – he feels mildly triumphant for finally learning her name – are together.

Jim brushes the feelings off as disbelief and a touch of jealousy that the woman he's been pursuing all year is passionately kissing someone he still can't help seeing as a rival.

The situation at hand - the rescue of Captain Pike and all that follows - is too dangerous for him to examine this further. As soon as the danger passes, it is time for funerals too short to encompass their grief, and then before he can breathe he must think of things a Starship Captain thinks of: missions, work orders, crew assignments, the well-being of his crew, anything but himself and the pressing wrongness that has seeped into his life.

It takes Gaila a full month - wiles though she has – to convince Jim that it's okay for him to sleep with her. He'll function better if he's getting his needs met, she points out. And anyway, she says in typical extravagant fashion, she's so far down the chain of command from him now, it would be like the President of Earth worrying about dating a cadet.

Jim yields to her soft embraces and sweet kisses with some relief.

When he realizes something is gnawing at him, at first he dismisses it as loneliness.

But Gaila is there, and his friends are there in a different way, and he isn't lonely.

And yet...

Sometimes he watches the way Cadet - Lieutenant, he corrects himself - Uhura's eyes light up when she sees Spock.

And Jim sees the corners of Spock's mouth lift just that tiny bit, a beautiful revelation of emotion that most people surely fail to notice. It is an expression Jim goes to great lengths to elicit and, he admits to himself in his more open moments, has come to crave.

After all he has been through, Spock deserves this happiness. Uhura, too.

And yet...

Something twists in Jim's gut.

Jim has never been sexually repressed. A few times he's made out with men – mostly to attract women, he'll admit – and once or twice there has been something more than showmanship.

James T. Kirk likes women very much, and he can't imagine liking a man in more than a lustful way. Jim has always assumed that unless a man had, well, a feminine personality, he wouldn't find him romantically appealing. He hasn't thought about it much, really, except to discount it.

It comes on gradually, the closest friendship Jim has ever had.

Spock, once his enemy in those times that now seem petty and wasteful, saves his life yet again, deflecting a falling boulder at the risk of his own life.

They play tri-dimensional chess and take their meals together.

They spar together when Jim needs more challenge than most humans on the crew can offer.

Spock's friendship seems simple. Safe.

Jim lets his guard down.

It comes like a sucker punch, when it comes.

They are at a party. Jim must leave soon, of course – as long as the Captain is here, the party can't really start. The three of them are sipping Andorian ale on the sidelines and Uhura is a little bit drunk. She looks up at Spock and beams. And, quietly, Spock extends two fingers and touches them to hers. A Vulcan kiss.

It is tender, intimate. Jim feels his nostrils flare.

Uhura looks back at Jim, and he watches her eyebrows come together in concern as she tilts her head at him. He looks away, fakes a smile to appease her curiosity, and says a polite goodnight.

The moment the door to his quarters closes, he slams his fist on his desk, feeling the wood resonate and the satisfying pain. He stands so fast he knocks over his chair, then goes to the cabinet and reaches for a bottle of bourbon.

Fuck it. Fuck it all.

Whatever it was and wherever it was stuffed away inside him, it isn't there anymore.

His feelings are like a parachute, coming open in the wind of falling – unfurling and blocking out everything – even if he reaches the ground alive, he doesn't know how to fold this up again.

How can have feelings for his best friend?

He has Gaila.

He doesn't even like men.

Just this one. Apparently.

It is clear in retrospect: His disappointment when Spock had to cancel their routine sparring practice for "unexpected plans" with Uhura. The warmth in his gut on an away mission when Spock touched his face, checking to be sure he was all right after a close call. The way Jim couldn't resist the teasing banter that he'd always considered to be flirtatious foreplay when he'd done it with women.

Countless moments merging into one whole: he is in love with his best friend.

He locks himself in his quarters, doubles his sparring sessions with McCoy, tries to sleep and can't, gets very drunk and tells Gaila and swears her to secrecy.

"It's not jealousy, really," Gaila explains, hair splayed out messily over his naked chest, "if you don't want to chain him to you like a slave." She smiles understandingly. "One time I read half the Standard dictionary searching for the right word: Envy."

He rolls them over and slides into her again, kissing her face and thanking her wordlessly for choosing him even though she can and does have whomever she wants.

And how stupid he has been.

He wishes he could go back to before he knew.

Now when they spar, he fights not only Spock's quick jabs, but, when they land atop one another and their limbs tangle, fights the intense desire to kiss him roughly, to pin him to the mat with the pressure of his hips, to sink his teeth into his elegant trap muscle.

And sometimes – and this scares him more – Jim fights the desire to kiss him gently, hands on his face, fingers brushing the delicate tips of his ears.

"T'hy'la," he once heard Spock whisper to Nyota in the feather-soft way that made his meaning clear (but Jim had looked it up because he couldn't stop hearing it in his mind).

Sometimes he imagines Spock calling him that in that same way. He wants to roll his eyes at how ridiculous he's being, really.

Spock comes to his door one night, quite unannounced. "You have failed to answer any of my personal communications, Jim."

"I've just been busy," Jim replies numbly.

"Jim." Spock lifts his eyebrows. "You are usually a better liar."

Jim's heart pounds. Spock smirks and lifts a hand to touch Jim's face. His fingertips are warm on Jim's cheek, and Jim lets out a breath he's been holding for two weeks.

Spock's lips are soft and full, warmer than he expected and exactly right. As right as Gaila's are, and so different

Jim wakes in his bed, alone.

The despair presses down, and he is silent once again.

A/N: As always, concrit is welcome, and I will reply to all reviews, even if it's just a thumbs-up or thumbs-down. :-) I may write more - specifically, a polyamorous plotline. Let me know if that's something you'd appreciate.

UPDATE 04/22/2012:

I'd like to respond here to a thoughtful review that was left unsigned. "Scifi reader" raises a couple of good points that I want to address. Thank you so much, and I wish I could thank you by message!

the good news: you write well. you write grammatically. you spell words correctly. you show more than you tell.

the bad news: you have fallen into the tired slash cliche of inserting yourself into a story instead of letting the characters be authentically themselves. and now the readers can expect the next tired nu!Star Trek slash cliche of getting rid of Uhura because she's a strong female character who gets in way of your self-insert.

if you want to write LBGT fic, great. we need more depictions of us in fiction. but be authentic. don't hide behind het male characters.

I really appreciate the honesty of this review.

Here's where I'm coming from:

1) I absolutely love Spock with Uhura. If I continue this story, they will remain together. I'm playing with the idea of Spock as a bit less monogamous than a more traditional Vulcan (and ethically so!), but I'm skeptical of it. In any case, I won't be getting rid of Uhura - if you read "Not Consolation But Light," you'll see how much I like that pairing.

2) I love Kirk and Spock, and based on their interactions in The Original Series, I'm not convinced they're het (that doesn't mean I think they're homosexual, either - men can be bisexual, omnisexual, and pansexual, too).

3) I myself am part of the LGBT community, and I wouldn't dream of "hiding."

I had previously described the first draft of this as "semi-autobiographical." I edited for over a month to remove parts of it that weren't in-character for Kirk.

It's true that part of my experience inspired this fic: I once thought I was bisexual (in terms of lust) but was only romantically attracted to men. A few months ago, my world was thrown into chaos when I realized out of nowhere my feelings for a female friend. This fic was inspired by that upheaval.

Based on the K/S dynamic in the TOS universe and their burgeoning friendship in AOS, I immediately imagined nuKirk experiencing something similar. I poured those feelings into Kirk, saw what sticked and what didn't, and watched how he dealt with them. In the end, he reacted completely differently than I did. (It didn't end well for either of us, but it ended badly in very different ways.)

If you think I got Kirk wrong, please let me know, and I'll listen. Keeping the integrity of these characters is incredibly important to me.