A/N: Hello person reading this! So I was waiting to get my hair cut yesterday, but I was feeling really angsty and bored so I wrote this little piece. It was half-inspired by the song "Youth" by Daughter, but mostly just by my angsty Blackinnon feels.
Hope you enjoy it.
Not Forever
They would never be James and Lily.
The story of James and Lily was that of a large, dramatic, sweeping romance, like it came right off the pages of the lovely storybooks mothers read to their daughters before bedtime. A forever story filled with dragons and beautiful clothing, and a prince and princess living happily ever after.
This was quite the opposite when it came to Sirius and Marlene.
They never expected to last. A few months, at best, before the shagging turned dull, and then they'd part. They're both a little too cynical, a little too pessimistic to ever kid themselves and think that they would be forever.
James and Lily eventually got together over a heated argument (of course) ending in a passionate, loving kiss (of course). He asked her out (of course) immediately after, and they ended up at Hogsmeade together the next weekend.
The first time they hooked up was at a Quidditch victory party, both totally inebriated.
He remembers it as a boy of fifteen with entirely too much experience for his age, as a jaded individual, who sees girls more as the sum of their parts then the whole picture.
She remembers it as a girl of fifteen with only two previous notches on her bedpost, as a person with a wounded heart and shattered dreams, who sees commitment with boys as another source of pain.
A kiss there, a touch here, and oh Merlin, that feels amazing.
They fall asleep on the floor of the Gryffindor common room.
He holds her.
She leaves before he wakes up.
They don't speak for weeks after.
He broke her heart.
She acted triumphant, like she'd gotten the better of him and ha! Now he had been used, just like all the others girls he'd shagged and bagged, and now he knew what it felt like.
That, however, did not stop the way her body tensed up whenever he walked too close to her. It didn't stop her eyes from wandering over to him across the classroom. It didn't stop her from desperately wanting his touch again, wanting to her his low, deep voice groan and whisper.
It scared her.
He pretended not to care, not to give a shit, because that was who he was.
And though he would deny it to everyone, he found himself wanting, longing, wishing to feel her touch again. She was beautiful and funny and witty and fuck up, and he wanted her.
It scared him.
He bragged about her to his friends.
Not in the sickly-sweet adorably-naïve way that boys talk about girls they're in love with.
He'd speak in a booming voice, playing at the male bravado act he'd perfected since before he could remember. He'd say things like,
"McKinnon? Yeah, she's got killer tits. Bloody brill shag."
The time they spoke after was not good. It happened in the common room as well.
It was a Wednesday, he remembers. Most of the Gryffindors where crowded into the common room, and he found himself staring at her.
"Merlin Padfoot, if I didn't know any better, I'd say you were in love with McKinnon." He heard James say form next to him.
"Are you off your rocker? McKinnon?" He barked a laugh, desperately searching to change topics. But James had endured to many humiliations and taunts about feelings for a certain red-headed girl to let it go.
"Didn't you say she was the best shag you'd ever had?"
The common roomed seemed quiet. He glanced around and found her blue eyes trained on him, holding a totally blank look.
He reacted quickly, cornered.
And no matter how confusing his feelings were about her, there was no way he was going to let people know about them.
He didn't give a fuck about anything.
His lips curved into a vicious smile. "Yeah, great shag, but I can't stand the girl unless she's on her knees, if you know what I mean."
The entire common room laughed.
He thought he saw something human flash across her face, but as quick as it arrived, it disappeared.
Her face was stone. "Very mature Black." She said from across the room. "But it's good to hear you had fun." She got up and started sauntering up to him. He successfully avoided staring at her hips as she moved. "I mean, I've heard all the rumors. You think you're quite the lover… but truthfully…"
She leaned in close to his ear. Her warm breath ghosted over him and the ends of her blond hair tickled his arm. He simultaneously felt turned on and angry.
"There's not much to work with, if you know what I mean." She whispered loudly.
From behind her, Lily erupted into laughter, and the rest of the common room followed.
She smirked at him, her eyes darting down to his lower regions, and then back up to his face. Cocking one eyebrow slightly, she moved off him and back out of the room.
She'd gotten the better of him.
Over the years, they became casual fuck buddies.
Both of them were a little too messed up, a little too afraid to attempt anything else at the time.
They both secretly looked forward to their little trysts, because he's one messed up guy and she's a cold-hearted bitch, but somehow when they're together, they make something beautiful.
They both loved it.
They'd said over and over again to anyone who asked that "they're not exclusive", that "they're just a warm body for when no one else is available."
Despite this, neither seems to go on any dates or be seen stumbling out of broom closets with anyone else.
From the moment they started their relationship, James and Lily celebrated every anniversary. For weeks, James stressed out about exactly how to ask her to be his, and eventually decided on a large spectacle involving fireworks and speeches.
They don't ever make it official. Although he had a love for dramatics, commitment and labels scared them both.
They fall into a comfortable relationship around late March in seventh year.
They don't exactly mean to.
But life is hard, a war is starting around them. People are choosing sides, and the world is going up in flames.
She finds she trusts him, a lot more than probably anyone in the world. He's been the only constant thing in her life for a while now.
He finds he needs her, because she's the only girl who'd ever stand up to him. She'd be the one he'd want to stick around.
They find solace in each other. They manage to shut out the world, even if it's just for a little bit.
They graduate, sailing across the Hogwarts lake in the same wooden boats that brought them seven years ago.
He's scared. Hogwarts has always been his home, his safety. But it was gone, he'd have to live in the real world. Grow up.
He was going to fight. And dear Merlin was he afraid.
He feels a hand squeeze his.
It's Marlene's. She's sitting next to him on the boat, long blond hair flowing out past her shoulders, soft skin of her hand pressing against his, and he can see she's got tears in her eyes.
He isn't sure what to say. He's never been good at comfort.
And he's not exactly sure she'd want him to say anything at all.
So he just squeezes her hand back, and hopes that he'll never have to see her tears again.
She's scared too.
The moment Lily joined the Order, James was furious and anxious. He tried everything in his power to make sure she was always guarded, and often spent most of the time she's away fretting and pacing about.
He was not like that.
He sort of loved that Marlene was there. He knows it's selfish, that above all else he should care for her safety. But he's just happy that she's here too, that they're fighting together, that she can relate to what he's going through.
They start sleeping together.
He has a flat, from the money given to him by his uncle. Every night, they fall asleep lying next to each other.
They speak in hushed tones, as so not to disturb the restful, calm silence that covers them like a blanket.
She wakes him up when he starts screaming in his sleep, stuck inside his mind, plagued with visions of the war to come.
He calms her down when she wakes up from another nightmare, crying and shaking and desperately hoping they won't become reality.
She starts to realize she wouldn't want to live without him.
He starts to realize he can't survive without her.
She broke his heart.
He needed her, and she was gone.
He'd never told her he loved her.
He watches Lily cry into her hands, watches James wrap his arms around her and let a lone tear escape his eye.
But he wouldn't cry. She wouldn't have wanted him to.
They would never be James and Lily.
Their love wasn't a forever story. It burned bright, hot, loud and large, but it didn't last forever.
And before he knew it, it was over.
Time had run out.
A/N: Review please!