Tourniquet

Digidestend Angel

Summary: "I Tried To Kill The Pain, But Only Brought More" Beck has a relapse with cutting, while Cat keeps her hypoglycemia from him. Beck finds himself in Lane's office after everything falls apart. What can Lane do to help?

I do NOT own Victorious or Evanescence's lyrics

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Chapter One

Am I Too Lost To Be Saved?

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Long lost words whisper slowly to me
Still can't find what keeps me here
When all this time I've been so hollow inside
I know you're still there – Haunted

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He feels her small hand suddenly on his shoulder and grips him harshly. He hisses at the pain as he turns back. "Damn, Cat, that hurts- Cat?" When she collapses against him, he immediately grabs her in his arms before she falls to the floor. "Cat! Cat, baby? No, no, Cat, wake up!" He looks up at the student behind them, who stares in shock. "Call for an ambulance, please!" He begs in tears. The student does so and he looks back down at Cat, who stares weakly at him. "Oh, my girl, what's wrong?" He asks her in desperation, cradling her tightly in his strong, protective hold.

She puts a hand softly on his cheek. "Beck, I'm so sorry I kept this from you." She whispers.

"Babe, what did you keep from me?" He asks, his voice cracking.

"I have hypoglycemia." She tells him. "I haven't been taking care of myself ever since I found out."

"What? Why?" He asks, tears falling from his eyes.

"I don't care about me, Beck." She uses her hands to wipe his tears away as everyone is fretting around them in the cafeteria. "I've been so worried about you, I just wanted to make sure you had all of my attention."

Beck shakes his head. "No! Cat, you should've told me! I would've taken care of you!"

"Beck, you needed me more than I needed you." She whispers up at him. "I love you."

"I love you too." Beck presses his forehead against hers. "I love you more than anything else in the world."

"That's why I didn't tell you." Cat smiles. "I know that I mean everything to you. You would've been so scared and stressed constantly, which could've caused you to cut. I don't want you cutting anymore. I want you safe and healthy."

Beck sobs. "Cat."

Cat's eyes slowly close.

"No…" Beck gulps as he shakes her a little. "Cat, baby, Cat, stay with me!" As she goes unconscious, he leans his head down on her chest and hears no heartbeat or feels her breathing. "No! No, please, NO!" He sobs violently, holding her limp body close to him. "Please, don't die!" He pleads. "I need you!" He screams suddenly, startling everyone around him. "CAT!"

"Beck."

Beck's head snapped up from his hands as he was sitting outside of Lane's office in the hallway. He saw Lane standing in the doorway to his room. "Sorry." He said in a distracted tone, his mind obviously elsewhere. He didn't even look like his old self. He was a bit paled from his usual tanned skin color, his hair a bit greasy and untreated, and his body thinner and unhealthy looking. The bags under his eyes showed how much he couldn't sleep at night. The long sleeves over his arms looked like it caused him pain every time he moved his right arm.

Lane nodded. "Don't apologize. You're under a lot of stress."

"That's an understatement." Beck muttered as he stood up.

Lane let Beck enter his office and closed the door after. He locked it so no one could interrupt them, since this was a serious session. Lane leaned against his desk with his hands in his pockets. Beck automatically took a seat on the couch, going back to his position he was in the hallway. He leaned over as his elbows rested on his knees and his hands lazily out. Lane stared at the 16 year old with intensity. Beck didn't move. He didn't know what to say or where to start.

Lane sighed. "How's Cat today?"

"She's showing progress." Beck's raspy voice answered, not looking to Lane. His eyes were staring at the wall before him across the room with interest. "The hospital still won't release her. They want to make sure she's completely healthy to leave before coming home. She's still on those oxygen tubes that are in her nose, so I'm guessing it will be a few more days."

"How are you feeling about being here right now?" Lane asked him.

"Bad." Beck said, trembling. "I want to be back with Cat."

"I know you do." Lane said. "You haven't left her side."

"Not since…what happened…in the cafeteria, I haven't left her." Beck bit his lip. "But…except one time. A few days ago. I left her side while she was sleeping."

"You went home." Lane said, sounding like he already knew.

"Yeah." Beck gulped. "I…I couldn't take the stress anymore."

"You did what you knew what to do to take the stress away, right?" Lane asked.

"Yes." Beck nodded. He suddenly looked uncomfortable as he sat up straight. "I don't want to talk about this. Can I go? I hate being away from Cat for too long. She needs me there."

"Cat will be fine for a few hours. She's in good care of the best doctors and nurses. Andre, Jade, Tori, and Robbie are with her right now as well. They're making sure she's okay. If anything goes wrong, you will be the first one everyone will call." Lane told him to reassure him. "Beck, Cat will feel much better as she knows you're talking to me right now. That's what she wanted, right?"

Beck nodded timidly, rubbing his sweaty palms over his jeans in nervousness and anxiety.

"Then let's make Cat happy." Lane said, knowing Beck wanted nothing more than to see Cat relieved and smiling, being proud of him. "Talk to me."

Beck nodded again. "When I was younger –like 13- I was always frustrated and hurt when my parents argued about everything. I hated it. I always blamed myself, I don't know why. I had a classmate tell me that the way they get rid of stress is by hurting themselves. He burned himself with a lighter."

"So he pretty much told you that self-mutilating your body would help you with your anger?" Lane asked.

Beck nodded once again. "At first, I thought he was crazy."

"What changed your mind?"

"One day, my father walked out on us and went to a hotel for a few days. My mother was a complete mess." Beck explained. "I didn't want to burn myself. I didn't know what to do. I looked up online to see what I could do. And I saw…it."

"What'd you see, Beck?"

"An article on how cutting makes the pain go away." Beck whispered, but Lane heard him. "It gave a list of ways to cut. I chose the razor blade. I broke it off my dad's razor blade he used to shave his facial hair."

"How did it feel afterwards?"

"So good." Beck admitted, looking embarrassed of his actions. "I had control of something."

"How did Cat find out?"

Suddenly, Beck looked to his feet. "She caught me."

"How'd she react?"

"She was absolutely hysterical. At first, she was scared of the blood, but she surprised me when she grabbed my arm and put it under the faucet to wash the blood off." Beck remembered. "After she bandaged my arm and she started crying, I promised her I'd never do it again because it scared her. I never wanted her scared. She was my best friend. I protected her and still do even now, since she's my girlfriend. To see her afraid of something makes my blood boil…when it's me scaring her, I'd stop whatever I'm doing."

"Why did you have a relapse last month?"

"My dad took a swing at me." Beck muttered. "He almost dislocated my jaw. I was so angry and scared, so I took out my old razor blade and practically ruined my arm." He took his shirt sleeve and raised it up until he reached his mid-upper arm. Faded white lines of healed, but scarred cuts covered his inner arm. "I fell asleep after because, believe it or not, cutting takes a lot out of you. I woke up to Cat sobbing. She saw the cuts."

"What did you do?"

"I explained everything to her. She, again, understood, but was so frightened."

"What happened after?"

"She moved in with me –in my RV- after explaining the situation to her parents and my mom." Beck told him. "This whole month, she has cared for me and loved on me. She comforted me and never let me out of her sight."

"You didn't notice her health problems?"

"No." Tears brimmed Beck's eyes suddenly. "I didn't. She hid her symptoms so well. I thought she was eating alright. I didn't know how much stress and sadness she was always feeling because of me. I never knew about her hypoglycemia. And because of her not taking care of it as she should've, her body gave out on her. Now she's in the hospital because of me."

"Does she know you cut recently?"

"Yes." Beck sobbed. "She saw right through me, no matter how hard I tried to hide it from her. She knows me so well. She knows me better than I know my own self. The second I entered her hospital room, she knew and had a panic attack. The stress was too much. I hurt her so bad that day. Now she's still in the hospital under intensive care. It's my entire fault. If I hadn't cut, she'd be okay today. She probably would be home with me. I would be taking care of her, like I should've all along."

"Cat means a lot to you, doesn't she?" Lane asked him, leaning down at Beck's level.

Beck nodded. "She's my whole world."

"Beck, let's start at the beginning. I want to go through every detail."

"Why?"

"This will make you see what's going on and how you can fix this and make it better." Lane explained, turning to his desk, getting a pen and notepad out. "I'm going to write down almost every word you say and then afterwards, I want you go to the hospital and reread it out loud with Cat. You both will heal. Trust me on this. This may make not make sense now, but you watch. After talking with Cat about what will be written on these papers will cause you not to cut or her to worry ever again."

Beck finally looked Lane in the eyes. "You…you promise?"

Lane nodded. "You have my word."

Beck sighed and gave in. "Okay."

"Let's go back to the beginning." Lane repeated, having the pen and notepad ready. "Let's go back to the day you first cut."

Beck nodded. "Alright." He closed his eyes. "Well…"

I changed the title from "A Slice Of Life" to "Tourniquet". I decided to give this story another try. Hopefully I fixed it enough for my story not to get so bashed as it was before. Can you guys go a bit easy on me? Lol. I've been on this site for a while, so I know what I'm doing.

-D-A-