Dad!
by channeld
written on: a misguided whim
rating: K plus
genre: crack!fic/humor. Beware!
characters: (Aren't they all?) Gibbs and everyone else
author's note: This was written in 2010 but for some reason never posted here. So if you've already read it...well, read it again! It's short. :)
disclaimer: I still own nothing of NCIS.
Gibbs looked once more at the letter he'd already read 50 times; the letter that had come yesterday from the testing lab in Virginia. Likelihood of parentage 99.999%...
He wiped away a happy tear. He'd always wanted a son. Now Tony DiNozzo, the young man who'd always seemed like a son to him, was really and truly proven to be his flesh-and-blood son. Tony Gibbs, he thought immediately. Well, perhaps the boy wouldn't want to change his name. At least not right away. He would be too used to being a DiNozzo. But maybe he'd consider a first name change? Horace. Now that was a manly name. With a little wheedling, Tony might go for it.
How best to approach him on all of this?
Should Gibbs invite him over to his house more often? Show more of an interest in his love life? Buy him expensive gifts on his birthday?
Yes!
He would be the perfect father. Tony—Horace—hadn't had a happy childhood. Someone said it was never too late to have a happy childhood. Gibbs could fix that! And he could play ball with him, and show him how to throw a football, and teach him about girls…
Well, okay; maybe Horace/Tony didn't need all of that. But Gibbs was sure there was no limit to the wonderful father/son moments he and his little boy would have. (Easter was coming! Gibbs could take him to the mall to have his picture taken with the Easter Bunny!)
Tony wandered into the squad room then (the first of the team to report that morning), and hurriedly Gibbs stuffed the letter and the envelope into a drawer, replacing the goofy smile on his face with a bland look. He would tell Tony/Horace, though not right away. Tony only grunted a 'Morning, boss before heading for the break room to get a candy bar for breakfast. Gibbs took that opportunity to give the precious letter another read.
Then he noticed that there was a second page to it.
Want to be a father even more? Now! Enjoy this limited time offer! If you respond in the next 15 days, we will do a parentage search for you in other databases, for a low, low, fee of only
A father again? Gibbs wasn't sure it was possible to be any happier than he already was, but he couldn't resist. He would send in his request with the afternoon mail.
The first answer came in under a week. Gibbs could hardly believe his eyes. He had a daughter! Abby was his daughter! Although she never mentioned her age, Gibbs had seen her personnel file and knew what it was. So Tony had an older sister! She could boss him around and play tricks on him and come running to Gibbs, accusing Tony (Horace!) of getting into her stuff…whoa! She was already doing all of that! It was like the Fates meant for all of them to be together!
And what if she took a new name, too? Gertrude. It was a sweet name; he'd had a great-aunt named that! She could call herself Trudy if she liked. Or even Gertie!
A little girl, all dressed in pink…well, that might be a lost cause. Maybe little girls today did go in for black? Times did change!
He had been on the brink of telling Tony when this letter arrived. Now he just wanted to enjoy his happy dreams by himself for awhile…
Two days after that, yet another letter arrived! He was a father again! Thank heavens he didn't have to put these kids through undergrad college!
He had another son! He grimaced slightly on seeing that it was Jimmy Palmer. Oh, well; it was good to have a child who needed some shaping-up, unlike the practically-perfect Horace and Gertrude! He pictured Jimmy sitting at his knee, listening to his wise teachings, and drinking it in. He would make Jimmy into a man's man. As soon as he finished medical school, he'd have him join the Marines. They'd probably insist on making him an officer, darn it. But life wasn't perfect. Maybe Jimmy could do his residency that way.
And when Jimmy was home on leave, Gibbs could make sure that his words were always appropriate and that he wasn't too geeky. And before all that, he would change his name to…Raoul.
There was another letter the next day. He had another daughter! He didn't know how he'd managed to become father to Ziva, so far away from home, but you couldn't argue with paternal testing labs. She was a smidge younger than Jimmy, so that made her the youngest child.
His life was complete.
What would she say when she learned that Jimmy, Abby and especially Tony were her siblings? Oh, what fun Christmas present exchanges would now be!
He didn't have enough room in his house for all four of them to move back in (much as he wished otherwise, wanting to make up for lost time), but at least he could insist that they all come over for dinner every Sunday. Every Sunday, and no excuses!
Ziva (whom he now thought of as Harmony) was young enough that he could buy her lots of pink, girly things. She'd like that, he was sure. There were sure to be lots of father-daughter things they could do! Gibbs could play ball with her, and show her how to throw a football, and teach her about boys. And he could chaperone her dates, and enforce a curfew. He was sure she'd appreciate his fatherly concern. Maybe it wasn't too late to arrange a debutante ball for her!
Five days later, a final letter came.
Gibbs had almost been expecting this, though it did electrify his nerves a bit to see the name Timothy (no middle initial) McGee and the words 99.999% probability.
So McGee was his son, too. Well, that made for a nice, large family: three boys and two girls. Now he'd have to listen, really listen, to McGee, for that was what a good father did. McGee (now Björn in his mind; it meant 'bear', he knew) would be fun to have around, with his geeky cheerfulness. And Gibbs could play ball with him, and show him how to throw a football, and teach him about girls. Lord knows, the boy needed help in all of those areas.
Gibbs sighed. McGee/Björn would be a challenge, but an enjoyable one. And maybe with Horace and Björn revealed to be brothers, they'd finally get along! Stranger things had happened!
He'd set a date. Sunday, March, 28. He'd invited his five kids over for Sunday dinner, and he would tell them then. It would be wonderful! Gertrude, Horace, Björn, Raoul and little Harmony all gathered around his dining room table, while he carved the turkey and passed the mashed potatoes…
Vance summoned him to his office. "I've heard," he said. "I have my sources, so don't ask. Do you think you can continue to work with five children of yours? Won't this compromise your actions, out in the field?"
"If anything, it'll make things easier," said Gibbs. "Kids will obey their dad. I'll punish them if they don't. I'm just glad there aren't any more kids to turn up. Five is all I can handle."
"Are you sure about that, Gibbs?" Vance grinned.
Gibbs eyed him. "Don't start on me, Leon. I'm not that much older than you are."
"Are you sure you know how old I really am?"
Gibbs fled.
"Oh, Jethro, a word—" Ducky caught him in the hallway.
"No, Duck! That's impossible!" Gibbs thundered, and left the bemused ME wondering what was going on.
After calming down, Gibbs was sure that Vance had been kidding him. A peek at the unclassified part of Vance's personnel records showed that Gibbs was in fact less than ten years older than Vance. Good. Besides, he was running out of quality names.
On March 28, with the turkey cooking away in the oven, Gibbs waited for his five dinner guests to arrive. He'd put on a suit for the occasion, and every few minutes peeked through the curtains, looking for them.
At last, they were here, arriving in two cars! He ducked back out of sight, but then couldn't resist one last glimpse. They were looking at the mailbox, which now read
L. J. Gibbs and
Gertrude
Horace
Björn
Raoul
and Harmony
"Come in! Come in!" he cried, throwing open the door, unable to wait any longer. "Come in!"
"Gibbs," said Abby/Gertrude, "What's up with the mailbox?"
"Well…I've got something to tell you…"
-END-