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And the one time…

… it was love

He knew that something had changed even before he was fully awake and still dozing he frowned.

It was something good, that much he was absolutely sure. And it had something to do with the warmth in his back which gave him a feeling of security and contentment even if he didn't understand the reason why. His heartbeat seemed calmer than normal, as if his heart was in line with the world around him and not beating frantically against everyone and everything. As if he finally arrived home after a long journey.

But where was home?

What was home?

Or – who?

And all of a sudden he was wide awake. He turned around, opening his eyes, immediately starring into two brown ones which returned his gaze anything but stoic.

And then – he finally remembered.

Once again he inwardly sighed in frustration. Because once again he couldn't concentrate on their chess game no matter how hard he tried. And that was because once again he was distracted. A phenomenon which kept him awake in the nights since weeks. Since the night Spock had stayed after waking him up from his Tarsus-nightmare everything had changed.

Since that night his heart regularly skipped a beat whenever Spock's name was mentioned. Since this night he could hardly think at all in Spock's presence, remembering the whole time the warmth of Spock's body next to his which had cocooned him securely. And since that night he wished to be that close to Spock once again.

Of course he had tried to ignore his weird feelings, treating them like a short-living confusion. After all he had been in exceptional circumstances that night. Therefore he should have expected that the night would somehow take its effects on him.

But still it was for sure that James T. Kirk didn't fall in love.

James T. Kirk just didn't do love.

That wasn't how things worked for him.

Changing partners – that worked for him.

Quick, non-binding and therefore great sex – that definitely worked for him.

But he didn't fall in love.

But nevertheless after some more weeks he finally had to accept that his feelings for Spock hadn't vanished. That instead they had kept growing day by day.

He caught himself starring at Spock, who would usually stand with his back at his science station, over and over again during their shifts without knowing for how long he'd actually starred before realizing. He kept waking up in the morning, his pajama trousers and his sheets sticky, remembering dreams about pointy ears, greenish skin and dark brown eyes. He found himself constantly searching for excuses to touch Spock. Their nearly daily chess games became his day's highlight and his day's greatest challenge at once. Because he regularly had to restrain himself from getting around the table, which separated them during their games, and jumping his First Officer. The fact that he just couldn't let Spock die or get hurt had more often than not brought him into sickbay after their missions where he regularly had to endure Bones' hypos and lamentations and Spock's lectures ,his anger barely hidden. Which didn't stop him from risking his life all over again whenever he thought that Spock's life might be at stake.

And meanwhile he had stopped telling himself that his feelings for Spock were only a temporary confusion which would pass soon. He may have a lot of weaknesses but he wasn't one to lie at himself.

That was no confusion.

And it was not temporary.

And so he had had to accept that it may work for James T. Kirk after all to fall in love. At least when finding the right person. And perhaps his adventures and escapades had been that – his search for the right person. Or in his case the right alien.

In many ways Spock was his matching piece who complimented himself perfectly. Whenever he seemed to take off, Spock' logic would ground him. Whenever he felt helpless, Spock would support him. Whenever he was at a loss, Spock would come up with something to save them.

They were two sides of a coin and somewhere deep within himself he knew that he really had searched for someone like this for all his life.

If he only knew what Spock thought about the whole mess.

Of course Spock's behavior wouldn't answer this question. As a Half-Vulcan Spock didn't exactly wear his heart on his sleeve. He still had the privilege to get a glimpse of Spock's human side every now and then which showed him again and again that Spock trusted him more than any other person onboard the ship, especially since Spock and Uhura had broken up not long after they took off onboard the Enterprise. But Spock's special trust wasn't enough to let him jump to overhasty conclusions. He also was Spock's friend after all. And there were no significant signs that Spock would see more in him than that.

On the other hand there had been moments which had left him brooding and therefore sleepless all over again. Moments, when Spock hadn't only endured his touches but had touched him as well. Moments, when they had understood each other without words. Moments, when Spock had risked his life to save him. Moments, when Spock had smiled at him his non-smile everyone else on the ship would miss. Moments, when they had spent time together in silence, playing chess and the silence had been more intimate than every conversation.

Inwardly he sighed again while moving his bishop without thinking. Too late he realized that this move had been a mistake which would put Spock into the lead.

"You seem to be lacking in concentration, Jim."

You looked up, meeting Spock's brown eyes, which had left him sleepless for so many nights now.

"It's nothing, Spock."

He watched the chess board again, halfheartedly trying to decide which move to take next.

"Your statement is contradictory to my observations and therefore not correct."

Without making his move he looked up again – starring again in Spock's eyes which seemed to examine him in an even more intense way than usual, causing shivers down his spine. Nevertheless he tried to stay cool, leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms in front of him.

"What observations?"

Spock's eyebrow rose just a bit.

"As mentioned you seem to be lacking in concentration during our games of chess, not only today but throughout the last weeks. You show the same behavior during our shifts at the bridge. Your decisions during our missions regularly lack any logic. Moreover I assume that you suffer from insomnia once and again if the amount of caffeine you used to consume during breakfast lately is an indication."

He should know better by now than being surprised. He really should know by now that Spock was a very attentive person in spite of the stoic mask he used to wear. But before you could relish in Spock's attention much longer, Spock continued.

"I also proposed the thesis that your illogical behavior is connected to my person as far as it is verifiable."

His arms which were still crossed in front of him slid down without him even noticing.

To admit he was shocked would have been an understatement. His heart raced, his brain started spinning around without leaving one single reasonable thought in his mind while his temples throbbed violently.

"Is my thesis correct, Jim?"

Frenetically he searched for a way out of the current situation, only coming up with two possible solutions – denying or finally telling the truth.

For some seconds he considered denying everything. It would be so easy. He could make up something to convince Spock that he got it all wrong. He could even give Spock his word to go to Bones for a hypo against his insomnia. And just ending the discussion by making his next move at their game.

He was already on the verge of smiling at Spock and telling him he that he was fine when he finally realized that this would be the easy but definitely cowardly way. And this realization made him stop before he could have said anything. Spock and he were grown-ups after all. And in the medium term it could be a good thing if Spock knew about his feelings and he would have to face reality to finally overcome his feelings and fantasies.

Perhaps he possessed some questionable character traits but he was no coward.

He was James T. Kirk.

He'd never taken the easy way.

And he wouldn't start now.

So he straightened himself and looked Spock straight into the eyes.

"Your thesis is correct, Spock."

And before Spock could have said anything in response he continued.

"I don't know exactly when it started, Spock. But somehow my feelings for you have ...changed…have grown stronger, far beyond friendship. There was nothing I could have done. I never told you to not overburden you with my feelings for you. I know you don't feel the same for me. But nothing has to change. Everything's under control. I will not burden you with my emotions. I…"

"Jim."

To his surprise Spock rose from his chair and circled the table. Then he knelt right in front of him, watching him intently.

"How could you burden me with your emotions when they match my own emotions I harbor for you."

The words seemed to move in slow-motion through his brain, which desperately tried to understand what Spock had just said. He registered his mouth hanging slightly open and forced it shut. And then Spock's hand reached for his face.

"With your permission I would like to show you, Jim."

He didn't hesitate to nod his approval. The next second he felt Spock's fingers at his psi-points.

And then – Spock was in his mind.

And with his presence he could feel Spock's emotions like a whirlwind.

He'd always known that Vulcans hid strong emotions under their stoic surface which they only suppressed. But the intensity of Spock's feelings surprised him nevertheless and took his breath away for some long moments. And it took him even longer to make sense of these emotions.

Loyalty.

Friendship.

Affection.

And – love.

Deep-rooted love which seemed to flow into every fiber of his body, which seemed to fill his every thought, which seemed to soothe his soul. Far away he felt his body tremble. And still – he could hardly believe it.

"Spock?"

He didn't know if he'd said Spock's name out loud or if he'd just thought it but obviously Spock had understood him.

"Look, Jim."

And suddenly – he could see images, episodes of the last 18 months.

Spock and himself, laying next to each other on the biobed in sickbay, the climber circling their wrists. He could feel Spock's appreciation that he had tried to avoid skin contact in spite of their closeness. But he could also sense Spock's surprise that he didn't mind this closeness as much as he had expected.

He watched Spock and himself laying next to each other in the darkness of the shuttle. He could sense Spock's gratitude along with Spock's irritation. He could hear his own thoughts, could feel the distant echo his thoughts found in Spock's inner self. And once again he could sense Spock's growing surprise and irritation that he hadn't felt uncomfortable in spite if their direct skin to skin contact and his need to meditate about it.

He became aware of Spock's gratitude for his presence at the anniversary of Vulcan's destruction and his mother's death, how much Spock had trusted him to allow him to stay during these hours when he couldn't control his emotions properly.

He felt Spock's shock about his experiences at Tarsus IV, his worry, his genuine sympathy, his friendship and his loyalty which had made him offer his assistance and company for the night. He sensed that Spock hadn't been uncomfortable at all, laying beside him, his content surprise to be able to even fall asleep.

He could feel Spocks worry and his anger whenever he had risked his life to save Spock's – quite contrary to Spock's own need to save his life whenever he had thought it in danger. He sensed his own glances at Spock's back during their shifts, could feel their touched which seemed to emit sparks every time Spock had felt them, the need to intensify these touches and Spock's confusion about these needs. He watched Spock meditating for days about his emotions, his struggle to analyze them. And finally finding the solution.

He was in love with Jim.

And suddenly he knew that this was no dream. That everything was real. That Spock reciprocated his feelings – with an intensity he would never have guessed possible. That Spock's feelings had grown like his own over the past months.

Somewhere far away his heart kept racing in his chest.

But here in their mind-sharing enclave all that matters were Spock and him and there was nothing to hide from each other.

And then – it ended.

All of a sudden he was alone again in his mind, opening his eyes with a groan, not yet accustomed to the anew loneliness and silence in his head. But the next second he was caught again by Spock's brown eyes which gazed at him with so much open warmth, open humanity, that he couldn't help but smile.

He leaned forward until his forehead touched Spock's .

There was no need for words.

All had been said.

Lightly he traced the line of Spock's jaw with his left hand's fingertips.

And the moment their lips touched for the first time, his right hand's index- and middle-finger touched Spock's matching fingers in a Vulcan kiss.

Both touches took his breath away.

It was nearly morning when they finally fell asleep nestled against each other in his bed.

"Good morning, ashayam."

He saw the smile in Spock's eyes and couldn't help but smile himself.

"So it wasn't a dream again?"

Spock's eyebrow raised in an – as Jim knew – amused gesture.

"Given the fact I am real and – as to add – still laying unclothed in your bed, I think it acceptable to resume that you are currently indeed not dreaming."

He had to laugh – a happy laugh he had to admit.

Then reached for Spock's neck, pulling him closer and kissed him.

When they broke apart, he could see again the warmth shining in Spock's brown eyes, something he hoped to see every day from now on until the end of his time.

„Taluhk nash-veh k'dular."

Spock's whispered words sent shivers down his spine and made his heart race again.

"I love you, too, Spock."

Then he got even closer, felt Spock's warmth and shut his eyes, not ready yet to return to their duty after this night.

But still he knew that from now on there would be more nights at Spock's side.

Hopefully every coming night of his life.

Ashayam = beloved

Taluhk nash-veh k'dular = I cherish thee