Okay, so this is the story which has taken up most of my non-working hours for the past 2 weeks. I wanted to create a story which had layers to it, and I think that many different elements come into play with different characters and all sorts; plus I love writing extremely long stories which this promises to be!

Updates should be pretty fast as I have written ahead and am just checking over chapters, but I would really love to get some reviews and see if what I am writing is any good and if people want me to continue with it; plus it drives me to write more, faster, and is generally just nice :) Thanks to all of the people who inspired me to publish this by reading and reviewing my other story.

As usual, Suzanne Collins is the source of characters and storylines as such, and having just watched the film again I am determined to write and keep this story going! Rated T but may change to M for later chapters, by the way, most probably for violence and not very nice things.

Brief intro before I shut up and leave you to read. This is set 1 year post-war, and is centred mostly around Effie but with a lot of the other main characters involved too. It has many elements to it, so is not strictly following one path, but I hope you like it! Happy reading (and may the odds be ever in your favour lol!)

Secrets She Could Never Tell

Chapter 1

She woke up screaming. To anyone else it would have sounded as though she was dying, the pained and desperate cries of a woman barely hanging on to the edge of life; she knew that no-one would come to her aid even if they could hear her. She wasn't worth it.

Alone in her room, the faces framed on the wall seemed to stare at her. Their eyes were unforgiving, their looks of disgust and pity telling her what she already knew. They blamed her for what happened to them, and in her mind they were right to. She should have done more. They didn't deserve to die.

Slipping down into the soft silk sheets her entire body trembled, not with cold but with fear. She couldn't escape them. They would always watch over her, punish her every night and taunt her every day. It was not a life worth living, but what other choice did she have? There was no easy way out, not even in death; she knew that she was going straight to hell.

It was another night spent staring into nothingness, tears staining her pillow as she wished for the darkness to swallow her into the abyss. At least then she might find peace. The voices of the dead whispered in her ear, hissing curses and begging for her blood to avenge their souls. They would not rest, they would never quieten, and she feared that she was slipping slowly into madness.

In a few hours she would rise, cover her face with enough white power to hide the truth, and spend her day beaming at people as though all was right with the world. There was no-one to love her, not even anyone to care. They all thought her bright and bubbly, smiling even if crisis took over, when inside she was dying.

Xxx

Katniss sat by the lake, watching the sun overcome the darkness and rise up above the horizon victorious. She did not know how long she had been sitting there, but by the way her nose tingled with the morning chill she could guess that it had been a while. The sky had not even been tinged with light when she had woken, settled in Peeta's warm embrace in the comfort of their bed. There she was safe, sometimes happy, but that morning she had needed to get out.

It hadn't been a nightmare as such, not one of the usual ones anyway. Usually, Katniss dreamt that she was back in the arena, forced to watch as all of those who she had loved over the years slowly die one by one. Those she was used to. It was one of the crueller dreams which had driven her to the woods before dawn broke into a symphony of birdsong, one which would play on her mind for the rest of the day.

She had been sitting at the edge of the Meadow, the houses of District 12 busy with life behind her as though the bombs had never fallen. The air was sweet with the smell of honeysuckle and the distant aroma of freshly baked bread from the baker, yet it was calm and unmoving – peaceful. Katniss lay back in the long grass, her head cushioned by her hunting bag, watching Primrose laughing and playing before her.

She was younger than when Katniss had last seen her, a memory from when times were hard but before everything went so terribly wrong; before the explosion. Her blonde plaits bounced around her shoulders as she ran, the sound of her voice like the coo of a dove ringing through the still air. She was not alone.

Rue was with her, chasing her through the long grass without a care in the world and occasionally whistling her four note tune to the mockingjays which immediately answered her call. It looked as if they had been friends for years, though of course they never could have been. In a different time in a different world, perhaps it could have been, but not in this lifetime. Both were lost, far too young, and that would play over in Katniss' head until the day she was finally allowed to die.

In one way, it was welcome relief to not wake drenched in sweat and fearful for her life. It was even comforting to watch her little sister play and imagine her as she was: happy. But that was the part which she found the most unbearable. It was knowing that she could never be happy again, that she would never laugh or smile because the world had taken that from her; that Katniss could not stand.

She had stopped trying to convince herself that it wasn't her fault a long time ago. She knew it, in her heart, yet she was just as certain that the guilt would never leave her no matter what she said or believed. She just had to get on with things as best she could, and live the precious life that so many others never had the chance to lead.

Katniss waited until the sun was high in the sky, the warmth of spring spreading through the air and the animals surfacing from a good night's sleep, before starting back towards her home. Peeta would worry, that she was sure of, but he knew where she went and would never dare to follow her. He understood, when so many others would not, and for that she was grateful.

Xxx

She noted the sense of relief in Peeta's eyes when she walked through the door.

'Katniss!' he said, as though surprised to see her. 'Are you hungry? There's freshly baked bread, right out of the oven.' Not finding the strength to argue, Katniss only smiled and nodded, sitting down at the table as he laid a plate of cinnamon-scented bread still warm before her and made a mug of hot chocolate to dip it in.

They sat across from each other, in silence at first but not one which was hostile or unwelcome; sometimes nothing needed to be said. Peeta knew exactly where she had been, and why, so there was no need to question it. It was only when he realised the date that he spoke up.

'Oh, I'd almost forgotten she was coming today,' he remarked, reminding Katniss of their impending visitor.

In three weeks time, the Republic of Panem would celebrate one whole year of freedom from President Snow and the old regime. It was a momentous occasion, with special events planned in every district leading up to the big day and a huge party in the Capitol on the night itself with feasts, speeches and dancing which would surely last all night.

Katniss had been invited to attend by President Paylor herself, though it was more of a request than an invitation. The girl on fire, the Mockingjay, had been the figurehead for the rebellion one year ago and had lead the country to victory; that's how she put it anyway. Katniss did not quite see it like that, but she had not argued. Though she hated playing up for the cameras, she knew that it was necessary for the somewhat desperate people of Panem.

In a year a lot can change, but it takes far longer than that to build a country back up from ruin. After the war ended, most of the districts were left with little housing or land and barely had enough food or water to survive. Even with help from the newly formed government, one which included a representative from every district, poverty took over and life became simple and often hard.

But the people came through. The freedom which came with this new era was enough to keep them going, and slowly each district was beginning to reform. That said, many places still did not have enough. The celebrations were not just designed to mark an anniversary, but to give hope to a nation that could easily lose sight of what it is fighting for. It is a glimpse of the better future which everyone strives to achieve, and will, if they have that spark of belief that things can get better.

So Katniss agreed, needing little persuasion, to be seen at the televised ceremonies and make her presence known in the Capitol. Even after everything became peaceful and the role of Mockingjay seemed pointless to her, President Paylor reminded Katniss that she was remembered and loved for her actions; her sacrifices would never be forgotten.

'Even if you don't agree with them, let them believe in you,' Paylor had said in her kind but inspiring tone. And she would.

'What time does she arrive?' Katniss asked, unsure whether to be apprehensive or glad of the impending visit.

Effie Trinket had always been a bit of a puzzle to Katniss. She was coming to help her, for a day or two at least, to prepare her for the upcoming visit to the Capitol. Although seeing Effie brought back memories of the Hunger Games, the thing which scared Katniss more than almost anything else even now, there was something about her which meant that she could not hate her. Surely someone raised in the Capitol during Snow's reign, who played a key part in the games themselves, should be an enemy? But Katniss, for some reason, could not see her like that. She did not understand why, but for some reason she trusted her and would be glad to see her when she arrived later that day.

'Twelve, I think,' Peeta replied. 'Is Haymitch up yet?' She let a small laugh escape her lips and raised an eyebrow.

'Fair point,' said Peeta, laughing with her.

Haymitch rarely surfaced before midday, and if he did it was never for very long. Although he and the rebel leaders had fought to keep Effie alive during her imprisonment in the Capitol, there was no love lost between them. They were polar opposites, who disagreed on almost anything, and Katniss was sure that wherever Haymitch was he was keeping his distance from the explosion of bright colours about to invade their quiet lives.

Xxx

Twelve o'clock came around quite quickly, and almost exactly as the clock began to chime there was a knock on the door. Katniss opened it, barely able to suppress a smile as she knew what was coming.

'Oh Katniss, how good to see you!' Effie beamed, giving the startled young woman a light hug and kiss on the cheek. 'You're looking well.'

'So are you,' replied Katniss with a smile, but there was something odd which she could not quite place about Effie's arrival. She dismissed it, however, and accepted the hug which felt somewhat meaningful.

She took a moment to look at Effie as she stepped into the house, having not seen her in several months since her last hastened visit to the Capitol. She was wearing a wig of white curls tinted with pink, and a deep purple jacket and skirt which flowed like water as she moved. Her heels, as always, were slightly too high and her face was very heavily made up, even more so than usual.

Very few of those living in the Capitol still had the wealth and comfort which had come to them with ease before last year. Effie must have some sort of private money, Katniss thought, to still appear so wealthy though her high ranking job in the new government mostly likely provided her with a suitable income.

After Katniss had ensured that Effie was in no danger of prosecution for crimes she was not really accountable for, Effie was offered the position of personal advisor to the President. One of many, of course, but still valued for the organisational skill for which she was famous. She did well out of the tragedy, but Katniss knew that she had earned it. Not many of the residents living in the Capitol during the war would have dared to rebel, but one of the people Katniss would have thought least likely to complain risked her life to speak up.

'And Peeta!' Effie shrieked, as he came into the room from the kitchen. She greeted him with more enthusiasm than he was expecting, and he caught Katniss' eye grinning from ear to ear. She pulled away as soon as her mind turned to business.

'Now, there are a lot of things we need to discuss,' she began. Her tone changed as she spoke of the one man who was not present. 'Where, dare I ask, is Haymitch?'

'He's next door,' Peeta told her, as if she didn't already know. 'I'll go and get him.'

'Excellent! Now, where's the kitchen? I think we could do with a cup of tea before we begin.'

'Through here,' Katniss said, gesturing through the archway and following as Effie led the way into the bright, sunlit room. Finding her way speedily around the kitchen, she started making a pot of tea as Katniss sat down, watching in awe. The woman Katniss had met what seemed like a lifetime ago looked as though she didn't know how to do her hair, let alone make her own tea. It was something so small, yet so significant.

Setting out cups for them all at the table, Effie began to pour the brewed tea leaning over slightly. That was when Katniss noticed something unusual. It was barely large enough to see, mostly covered by the jacket sleeve, and had she not been paying attention she would have easily missed it.

The end of a deep scar was visible on Effie's arm, glinting pearly white as it reflected light from the sun. It would not have seemed out of place, given that the country had been at war only twelve months ago; but this didn't seem like a battle scar. And, after all, Effie had not been directly involved in the fighting.

Knowing scars, Katniss could tell there must have been awful pain inflicted when the flesh had been broken, and blood flowing readily from the wound as vessels broke and spilled their contents. It was an ugly scar, not neat like the ones Katniss had from having surgery in the Capitol or District 13, and clearly branched up Effie's arm where the rest was hidden from view.

'Effie...' Katniss started but Effie had realised what she had seen and pulled back hastily, spilling tea across the mahogany table as she slammed the pot down.

'Oh, that silly thing,' she dismissed with a girlish giggle, 'no need to worry yourself with that, Katniss! There are for more important things to discuss.'

Their eyes only locked for a second. Katniss thought back to when she had first seen Effie after the fighting had ended, and she remembered that vacant look in Effie's eyes which had said so much and yet had been largely ignored with so much else at stake. She saw it again now. Those once dazzling blue eyes which emitted such powerful brightness were dull, and the only emotion Katniss could sense was fear. It was not the anxiety of embarrassment at her secret being discovered, not even the feeling Katniss drowned in every time she woke up having dreamt of the arena. No, this fear was pure and deeply haunting, causing damage no-one could repair, and it was tainting the unbreakable image Katniss had always associated with Effie.

But it soon became clear. She had sensed it, as soon as Effie had walked through her door that afternoon; something wrong. Her tone was too bright, even for her, her make up too thick; she was hiding something. This went far deeper than a scar. Effie turned away, busying herself with organising the large handbag she had brought with her, and Katniss knew she was fighting back tears.

Thank you so much for reading, and if you would leave a review, even a few words, then I would be grateful and let's be honest I would write and update faster too!

This is only the beginning, the very beginning, and there is a lot more to come. I am not planning on giving a thing away though, so you will have to wait and read on to find out!