The Missing Penis Epidemic Summary: Because if your going to prank Batman while he's on JL monitor duty, you have to bring your A game and a story so CRAZY that it's believable. Three part fic. Rated T. Nothing sexy is going on, the word penis just gets repeated A LOT.

A/N: Got the idea during my Lunch Break. Inspired by the song "Detachable Penis" by King Missile. Go check it out...super funny song

I do not own Young Justice or anything in the DC universe…just a huge fan.

Prologue

Roy sat at his kitchen table in his apartment. He glared at his computer screen, specifically at an email from the Justice League he had received yesterday, for what seemed like the hundredth time. It had a short passage listing grievances and then at the bottom in bold is stated:

Non Justice League members are not allowed access to League resources.

As if he did not know that. Of course, there was more to that rule. The actual rule was:

Non Justice League members are not allowed access to League resources unless the circumstances called for it.

It was a clause which was only to allow access in the direst of circumstances. So naturally, most members of the League abused it. There was always some hero friend, some ally, who just needed Justice League access (temporally granted of course). The League just had too many awesome gadgets, amongst other things, for someone not to at least try to use League resources.

It was also a rule Roy Harper, formerly known as Speedy and now known as Red Arrow, never thought would actually be enforced on him.

He was just a tad bit spoiled in that way. Roy was no longer Green Arrow's side kick, but he used the archer's arsenal all the time. He was not part of the Justice League, but he used the zeta beams and databases all the time. He was not part of the Young Justice, but he raided their fridge all the time.

And then yesterday, Batman said that the League had decided that he could no longer do any of that anymore unless he joined Young Justice (and only then would he be considered for the Justice League). Roy had not thought the threat real until he had tried to use the zeta beams this morning and was denied.

He was Roy Harper damn it! No one told him what to do. Well. . . Batman could, but he was the god damn Batman after all. So sure,he would join YJ if he had to, but that did not mean he was going to do it in a completely compliant manner.

He had thought all morning and afternoon on how he could retaliate against Batman without getting caught. The solution was easy. It would have to be some sort of prank. And as Luck would have it, most of the League was off-world or busy with other crises and so Batman was on Monitor Duty.

If there was one thing the Dark Night hated doing for the Justice League, which was no secret to anyone, it was monitor duty.

The man abso-fucking-lutley hated monitor duty.

And Roy was going to prank call the Watch Tower with something so epic, Batman would have to respond.

Now, if you are going to prank call the Watch Tower, you are going to need a crazy scenario. If you are going to have a crazy scenario, you have to make it believable. If you have to make it believable, you are going to need to hijack federal agent IDs, create fake news feeds and fake redacted files amongst other things. If you are going to present fake Intel, you are going to need a hacker. If you need a hacker and are facing the greatest detective, you are going to need to know EXACTLY how the man thinks; you are going to need Richard Grayson.

Dick smiled as he plopped down on the hard wood chair opposite of Roy and Wally, his laptop sitting innocently in front of him. "So, let's do this. What's the scenario?

"Penises are going missing state wide," said Roy not looking up from his laptop as he exited out of his email.

Dick blinked. "What?"

"Penises are going missing state wide." Roy looked at the Boy Wonder.

Dick opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. After a few seconds he closed it again. His confused blue eyes slowly went from one red head to the other and then back again. "I don't-" Dick let out a frustrated sound "-what . . . what is going on again?"

Roy rolled his eyes. "Let me break it down for you: penises. . . are . . . going . . . missing."

Wally nodded excitedly when Dick looked at him for confirmation.

Dick's eyes widened as he realized he really had not misheard. "How in the world did you come up with that? It's not going to work!"

Roy shrugged. "It's crazy enough that it will work." He sat up and walked to the fridge. "If I want to get through to Batman, I have to get passed the operator."

Dick's slowly tapped the table with his right forefinger, his eyes becoming slightly unfocused as he tried to figure out how 'penises going missing' could actually be taken serious by a JL operator. In addition to keeping tabs on world events via news feeds, the Watch Tower had a call center, similar to 911, located in its fake DC office. The number was only available to Federal Agencies and various top clearance individuals worldwide who were under the UN charter. There was no way the highly trained employees of the JL call center would consider bothering any of the League members, especially Batman, with something which could so obviously be interpreted as a prank call.

Wally threw a balled up napkin at the boy wonder which Robin ducked. "Dude, don't think too hard about it! It will work." He grinned. "Dicks going missing is not a laughing matter, Dick."

Dick rolled his eyes.

"AND even if it does sound implausible, would it be something you would want to disregard completely if presented with enough evidence to point to the contrary?" Wally leaned back into his chair. "Who would want to be the person who gets blamed for not helping prevent a statewide missing penis epidemic or, as I have named it, the Absens Mentula epidemic."

Roy, who was leaning up against the fridge, pulled the soda bottle he was currently drinking away from his lips. "I'm not calling it that and since it's my prank-"

"But I'm the scientist here! I get to name it."

Roy glared at the speedster.

Wally pouted, looking into his lap. "I'm still gonna call it that," he mumbled.

Dick looked at Roy. It was so crazy that it might really work. "If you want enough evidence to make this sound believable, I'm going to need a case of Mountain Dew, pizza, Doritos, and a DVD of Firefly."

Roy raised an eyebrow.

"I like to have nom-noms and watch the Telly when I'm hacking."

Wally jumped up, throwing a victorious fist into the air. "Let the Absens Mentula Epidemic begin!"

Roy's eyes narrowed. "We're not calling it that!"

Thanks for reading. Please Review.

*Absens Mentula-'Missing Penis" in Latin taken from the more profane vocabulary of the Classical Era.

A/N: For those who get my alerts and or wondering where the next chapter of Awfully Complicated is . . . it will most likely be updated in the beginning of next week as will this story.