I got bored in class, and I had had coffee. Somehow this is the love child of caffeine and my imagination.

...I feel like this should instead be titled "Edward Elric Calls Customer Service."

Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist, Tina Turner and her music, Ben and Jerry's, Beauty and the Beast, Harry Potter, Winnie the Pooh, Monty Python, or any of the insurance companies.

Edward Elric Buys Life Insurance

Edward clenched his automail hand to form a fist. Him and Alphonse were both seated against the wall, legs splayed out in front of them as moonlight shined through the window of the room. Both were deep in thought, though neither brother was mulling over the same subject.

Finally, after what seemed to be ages, Edward spilled his guts. "Al, I've been thinking."

Al regarded Ed carefully. "A dangerous pastime-"

"I know." Ed pressed that cold metal fist against his right knee and furrowed his brow. "Well, we've been hearing all this nonsense about us being human sacrifices, and last time I check, there's only one definition for 'sacrifice' concerning live people." Ed paused and glanced at Alphonse for his input, but Al just nodded for him to continue. "So I've gven it a lot of thought, and I don't plan on letting the Homunculi get to us, but I could still die in the line of fire, so I decided..."

Ed trailed off, staring off into space, only jolting out of thought when Al shook him gently. "You decided what, Brother?"

Edward gulped. "It's time to buy life insurance."

Mustering all his patience (which, unsurprisingly, was a minuscule amount), Ed forced a smile onto his face as he stepped inside the telephone booth, picked up the phone, inserted some pocket change, and dialed the insurance company's number that Jean Havoc had oh so kindly given to him.

The call was immediately sent to one of those pre-recorded directories. "Hello, this is the Amestrian Farmers' Insurance Agency, Central branch. To get a quote, press one." Unsure of what a quote was, Ed skipped that option. "To make an inquiry, press two. To file a complaint, hang up immediately. For business hours, press three. For information on reimbursement after scar-faced serial killer attacks, don't bother, because it is highly unlikely one would survive one of those anyway. For information on..."

Twenty minutes later...

It was pretty clear to Edward that he had almost certainly popped multiple blood vessels in his face from frowning so much. A multitude of muscles in his face were twitching violently as the machine blabbered on. "If you are the lone survivor of genocide and are in need of assistance, press asterisk-three-nine. If you are a human sacrifice desiring life insurance, please hold."

About time! Ed thought. The pre-recorded message switched off, and there was much rejoicing. Ed's elation was so great that he actually found himself singing along to the hold music.

"Whoa-o-o! What's love got to do, got to do with it!" Tina Turner and Ed belted out in perfect harmony. Ten minutes later, however, Ed's singing had come to a halt, but Tina just kept on burning. "What's love got to do, got to do with-"

The music suddenly ceased, and with its death Ed's gleeful mood gradually crumbled to bite-sized pieces. "Good afternoon!" an overly perky voice exclaimed; her tone did not give off the impression that she was pumped about conversing with absolute strangers, but rather that she wanted to rip out Edward's entrails and play double dutch with them.

At least, that's what Ed thought.

"This is Yolanda speaking, how may I help you on this marvelous day? I'm here to assist you in any way I can!"

The only good thing about the absurdly lengthy directory was that it gave Ed ample time to ponder his words until he picked out precisely what he wanted to say. "I've been selected as a human sacrifice."

"I'm so sorry, sir!" the diabla interrupted. "Were you selected as a sacrifice for false deities or as a sacrifice for human transmutation? I am here to aid you, sir, twenty-four hours of the day!"

"Probably human transmutation," said Edward.

"Thank you, sir! I'm only here for your need of me, and we're in this together! I am with you every step of the way! Now please hold!"

"What-"

"Whoa-o-o! What's love got to do, got to do with it!"

Edward's happiness fully dissipated at this point. No, not dissipated; Ed's happiness was brutally murdered by those fifteen minutes of Tina Turner. The funeral will be held next week. In lieu of flowers, please bring full cartons of milk.

Ed fumed, another pastime of his alongside thinking. When he tried to buy fire insurance, he'd be sure to invest in Gecko instead!

"Good afternoon, dear sir! This is Skip Skyjoy speaking! I am here to help you in any way you want it!"

"Liar," Ed muttered, dark thoughts careening through his head, mostly concerning Yolanda, Skip and a vat of rancid Xingese food as he sunk into one of those moods. You know, those moods teenager girls get on their periods when they discover an empty pint of ice cream in the freezer instead of a full container of Chunky Monkey deliciousness, or when die hard Japanese fan girls hear some NOOB say Avatar is anime. "I need to get life insurance, you piece of-"

"One moment, please, kind sir, so I can direct you to the proper authorities! I am only here to redirect calls!"

Ed thought his day couldn't get any worse, but it did, for his arch nemesis returned to the scene: the dreadful pre-recorded directory!

This one was voice-activated. "Please speak your selection," a female voice spoke mechanically with a mastery over the monotone.

"Life insurance!" said Edward, his well of patience finally running dry, this time for good.

"Did you say 'lies fin shore anus'?" it inquired.

Ed banged his head against the wall of the booth before returning the phone to his ear. "Talk to an agent!"

"Did you say 'tall tots are Asian'?"

Ed only heard one word in that mondegreen "WHO'RE YOU CALLING SHORTER THAN GIANT XINGESE CHILDREN!"

"...Please hold."

Stunned, Edward obeyed. Moments later: "Good evening, sir, this is Pippin Dinglehopper speaking!" Ed silently cheered for a brief moment, then his cheer morphed into shock as he stared at the darkening sky. I've been in here for hours!

"I'm interested in buying life insurance."

"Allrighty, kind sir, I'm here for your convenience!" Ed fist pumped. No holding or pre-recored messages! "First, I'll need your name, occupation, favorite color, Hogwarts house, least favorite beverage, and current relationship.

Ed glared, though Pippin Dinglehopper could not view it. This was getting personal... "Edward Elric, State Alchemist, red, Gryffindor, milk, single."

"Okee-dokee!" How in the name of Truth did this guy stay so darn PERKY? "Now, your next of kin, level of education, fluent languages, and favorite Winnie the Pooh character!"

The muscle twitches in Ed's face had struck once again! "Alphonse Elric, brother; third grade dropout; Amestrian, Xingese, Drachman; Tigger..."

"Gravy, good man! Now please hold."

"FFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUU-"

"What's love got to do, got to do with it! What's love..."

In his mind, Ed was pummeling Tina Turner with a rusty spoon. he would've imagined himself with a real weapon, but his mind was too far off the edge to ever return to sanity.

Things like that happen, but that's why I switched my insurance to Geico! Ed could learn something from my shining example.

After an eternity and a half, another man answered. He spoke with a rather bizarre accent, and Ed could picture him with an enormous, fuzzy mustache. "Good evening, deesh eez Meeraj Singh. How many I help you today?"

"GET ME LIFE INSURANCE!" Ed hollered into the receiver.

Mr. Singh was accustomed to irascible customers. Tone level, he marched onward. "Alright, kind sir, just answer me dese questions. Do you have previous accidents on file?"

"Does human transmutation count?"

A pause. "Okay, that has now been noted. Do you have a credit card or debit card on file?

"Of course not! Just put it on my State Alchemist account!"

"Okay, Meester Alchemist. Welp, our standard package does tend to cost people an arm and a leg-"

Ed had to remind himself that this man knew nothing! ...Absolutely nothing. Yes!

"-However, a premium package has the additional cost of one younger brother's soul-"

"SCREW THIS!" Ed slammed down the receiver with enough force that he successfully shattered the entire phone. He kicked down the booth's door, almost nailing Denny Brosh in the face.

"Oh, Edward!" said Brosh. "Are you alright? You look flustered."

The look on Edward's face could easily melt icebergs, ignite fires, and kill a Homunculi with a thousand piercing, fiery blades. In this instance it made Denny Brosh wet himself. "THE WORLD IS A DARK AND EVL PLACE, FILLED TO THE BRIM WITH SADISTIC MONSTERS!"

Brosh arrived at headquarters in tears. Many were curious, but when the say the furious Fullmetal Alchemist stomp in shortly afterwards, no one dared to ask.

It seems like customer service workers spend more time telling you they're "here to help you in any way possible!" than actually helping you. Ay, caramba!

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