A/N: Hi, everyone, well looks like it's finally here. It took a while to finally get started but without anything to really do at this time, I thought that it would be a perfect time to start writing stories.

The main paring is Spain and Romano. Another paring (although to a lesser degree) will be Germany and Italy but they are there to just help the story along. There will be other pairings but only in minor appearances (I'm only thinking about it so don't quote me on that.)

Warnings: Human names used. Language, violence, depression, and suicidal attempts (for now). I know short list right? Yeah, well when I first came up with this story those were just the things that were included.

Ok, I should wrap this up before I start to ramble. As with any other story, if you have time please read and review. And this is my first story so please be nice! : ). It'll only get better over time (my story writing that is).

Chapter 1

Hate and jealousy are terrible things.

But what else could he feel?

All his life things had been taken from him.

So it was only natural that he would grow up bitter and cynical.

Lovino was bitter at the world and jealous of his brother who seemed get everything.

He could never seem to get any happiness for himself and when he did, it all came crashing down and whatever happiness he seemed to have was ripped away unforgivingly.

Almost as if he was meant to be unhappy.

Lovino walked down the street thinking to himself, minding his own business, when all of a sudden, he heard his voice and he suddenly had a scowl on his face.

"Oh Luddy, I love you so much!"

Lovino scoffed angrily as his brother Feliciano and his boyfriend Ludwig rounded the corner arm in arm (or rather Feliciano's arms wrapped around Ludwig's arm).

Ludwig sighed tiredly, "I wish you wouldn't say that so loud in public." Ludwig said, cheeks red.

"But why?" Feliciano said pouting slightly.

"I don't really like blatant public displays of affections, plus…it's kind of embarrassing when people look towards us when you yell like that."

"So…are you embarrassed of me…Luddy?" Feliciano said sadly.

"Nein, nein, i-it's not like that! It's just a little uncomfortable that's all. Und besides…you're cute so I can't really be embarrassed knowing I have you." Ludwig said cheeks turning even redder.

Feliciano laughed. "Oh, Luddy, I'm just joking! You're so easy to trick!" Feliciano giggled.

Ludwig could only sigh in exasperation, face burning with embarrassment.

Lovino, watching from across the street could only make a disgusted face.

"Ugh, disgusting." He said bitterly.

It wasn't really that he minded Feliciano being with anybody; it was just that he didn't like his brother being with him.

He hated, hated his brother being in a relationship with that damn German. Of all the people, why did it have to be him?

He hated their relationship so much that he sometimes would go out of his way to break them up. But every time he tried to sabotage them, it never seemed to work which only ended up in him being disappointed with the results.

He wasn't always so bitter, it was just that that was how he grew up and over the years it just seemed to become a part of him.

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if he didn't feel that that damn German had stolen Feliciano from him. Just when they had started to reconnect, here he comes and swoops him up.

And he hated Ludwig for that.

Continuing his walk down the street, he decided that he would go to his special place he always went to to cool himself down after something had pissed him off.

At the end of the sidewalk, he cut off and went through the woods.

Lovino walked through the woods for a while making his way to his special place.

Oh, Lovino loved that place. It was his and only his and no one could take that away from him. Not even that damn German.

He could feel his mood lightening as he got closer and closer.

And there it was.

A cliff overlooking the ocean and the horizon out far in the distance and it was a beautiful day and the water and sky were so blue. It was just breathtaking.

Yes, this was his place. All his, and he adored it because he could do anything here, say anything here and it was so beautiful and so secret.

As he came to the clearing, he walked over to the edge and sat down, legs dangling over the edge. It wasn't dangerous to him. The cliff wasn't necessarily that high to cause fear but it was still a long ways down and whoever fell could get hurt and it didn't seem like it was high enough to kill anyone. Plus there was water there and it was better to hit water from a high place than solid ground.

Though water could still hurt if hit from high enough and even then a person still had a chance of surviving.

To what extent Lovino did not know but he decided that he would rather not think about it.

He had come here to relax not to think about people falling possibly to their deaths.

His favorite part of coming here perhaps was to watch the ocean moving and churning. Sometimes he would even see the occasional whale breaching. But even more than that, his favorite part of this place was sunset.

To see the sky and ocean turn a bright orange as the sun set behind the horizon was simply too beautiful for words. It was something a person had to see.

Sunset was hours away from now, but he didn't mind waiting since it was still nice to just sit there during the day.

Perfectly relaxed, Lovino laid back and stared at the sky and let his mind wander as he took in the sight of the clouds movingly slowly across the sky.

Suddenly his mind drifted back to Feliciano and that damn German walking down the street earlier.

He didn't want to think about them and he was not entirely sure why his mind had drifted to them in the first place. And it was with a growl of frustration that he shook his head to clear them from his mind before he got angry again.

But it was too late.

The thought of his brother clinging to him like a child and proclaiming his love was enough to make him want to vomit.

Not wanting to ruin his time in his secret place Lovino tried to calm down.

"Deep breaths, Lovino, don't even think about them. You came here to relax and not think about anything. You're in your happy place and that's all that matters" he said.

After few minutes of deep breathing, Lovino finally calmed down with a sigh.

"Ahh, that's better. Normally, that wouldn't have worked and I still would have been pissed, but thank God, I'm here." Lovino said, contently.

There was the sound of a horn in the distance.

Lovino got back up and squinting his eyes, he could see a ship in the distance.

The size, shape, and color suggested that it was a cruise ship and seeing that it was Lovino could only sigh sadly.

"I wish I could go on a cruise. Too bad I don't have the money." he said, darkly.

Suddenly, with an overwhelming force, as if the word "cruise" triggered it, the memory of that day came. That horrible unspeakable day that he had tried his best to forget.

There he was on the dock. Him, Feliciano, and that damn German.

All was supposed to be good. All was supposed to be well.

But there they were. Feliciano jittering about something with that "dumb guy" smile, Ludwig with his hand on his shoulder smiling warmly and Lovino with a look of utter confusion upon his face.

"Alright, what did you call me out here for dumb-dumb?" Lovino said impatiently and arms crossed.

As Lovino narrowed his eyes at Feliciano, he knew. He suspected that something was going on.

It was too obvious with the way Feliciano was bouncing up and down giggling like an idiot.

Like he had a secret that he was dying to tell someone. Like something was about to overflow.

A dam that was about to break from the stress of holding back so much information.

"Well, I was going to tell you, but I'll just let Feliciano blurt it out thoughtlessly." Ludwig chuckled.

"Tell me what?" Lovino said, eyes narrowing at Ludwig and tapping his foot impatiently.

"We're going on a cruise!" Feliciano blurted out unable to hold the news any longer and arms flailing in the air wildly.

"W-What?" Lovino stuttered letting his arms fall to his sides.

"We're going on a cruise!" Feliciano repeated, albeit quieter than he originally had.

Lovino could only look at the both of them eyes wide with what could have shock and awe.

And it was then that he smiled greatly.

"Really?!" he said excitedly as he took up Feliciano's hands in his own and jumping with him.

"Yeah! Isn't it great?!" Feliciano cried happily.

"Yeah! So when are we leaving?" Lovino asked excitedly.

A halt in movement.

A strained sound from Ludwig.

"U-Uh." Feliciano stuttered.

"Uh what?" Lovino said still smiling.

"W-Well." Feliciano started unable to find the words.

"Well what?" Lovino said desperately wanting to hear the news.

"U-uh w-well…" Feliciano started again but faltered.

"Tell me, dammit!" Lovino said.

"Uh, maybe I should tell him." Ludwig offered.

"No, Luddy, it's ok. I want to tell him." Feliciano said back to him.

If it wasn't obvious to Lovino that something was up before, now it was.

"Well..." Feliciano started for a third time. "W-Wwhen we said that we were going on a cruise…uh w-we meant we as in me and Luddy. We are going on a cruise." he said stepping back to Ludwig's side. "N-Not you." he finally admitted.

For a quick moment, Lovino's smiled faltered.

But quickly came back up.

He laughed nervously. "W-what are you talking about? Q-quit joking, dummy. I know it's a joke. I mean that's why you brought me out here right? To show me what the ship looks like." Lovino said, motioning to the massive cruise ship at the dock. "A-And besides, you know it's been my dream to go on one. So that's how I know your joking." he said, confidently.

Feliciano and Ludwig both exchanged worried looks and Feliciano walked forward again.

"No, Lovino." he began "I-It's not a joke." he said, looking him in the eyes.

And just the way he stared at his brother…the look in his eyes that never once faltered told Lovino that Feliciano was serious.

Still desperately trying to cling to the idea that this whole thing was a joke he began again.

"N-No…you're lying!" Lovino almost screeched.

Feliciano could only shake his head slowly

And it was then that Lovino wrenched his hand away from Feliciano as if just touching him would burn him.

And just the look of hurt in his eye was almost too much for Feliciano to bear. Almost like Lovino was on the verge of tears.

"W-Why?" Lovino stuttered, voice breaking.

"We only had enough money for two people. It would have been too much for three people." Feliciano said trying to calm his brother down.

Lovino just gave him a look that said bitterly, 'I don't believe you.'

Feliciano took up his hand again and said, "Please, Lovino believe me! I-If we had enough money, we would have gladly taken you! Right Luddy?" Feliciano said looking at Ludwig for help.

Ludwig nodded and said, "Ja, of course."

Lovino ripped his hand away again angrily. "Why didn't you tell me?!" he yelled.

"Because we wanted it to be a surprise!" Feliciano tried to explain.

"And you break it to me like this?! On a dock next to something I'll never get to ride?!" Lovino screamed.

"Well, we thought it would be good for you to see where we would be leaving from! Plus, the ship is really pretty don't you think?" Feliciano said trying to calm Lovino down.

"I don't care what the ship looks like! Why would you do this to me?!" Lovino said, still yelling.

"Come on Lovino, it wasn't supposed to be like this. I thought you would be happy" Feliciano paused. "A-And as for when we're leaving i-its tomorrow" he said barely above a whisper.

The color drained from Lovino's face then as he had a look of complete horror on his face.

"T-Tomorrow?!" he stuttered.

"Y-Yeah." Feliciano admitted.

"Tomorrow?! Why would you wait until now to tell me this?!" Lovino yelled.

"We were afraid you'd try to stop us from going and I really wanted to go. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner." Feliciano lamented.

"So what, you're just gonna leave me here while you go off and have the time of your life!" Lovino said angrily.

Ludwig seeing that Feliciano needed help finally decided to step in.

"Come on, Lovino it's not that bad, it's just a cruise." he said trying to do damage control.

"You stay out of this!" Lovino said, threateningly to Ludwig.

"You knew I've wanted to go on a cruise and you want to show the opportunity to me and then take it away? How the fuck can you do this to me?!" Lovino continued at Feliciano.

Feliciano couldn't answer. The guilt of bringing this on Lovino at the last minute was too much.

"How long?" Lovino said hanging his head, eyes dark and voice thin.

"How long what?" Feliciano asked

"How long are you going to be gone?!" Lovino exploded.

"Um…two weeks, I think?" Feliciano said lowly.

And it was then that Lovino looked up and clenched his hands and gave Feliciano the angriest look he had ever given anyone.

Oh, if looks could kill.

"Please, Lovino don't be mad…I'm sorry. I really am. We can go on another cruise one day and next time you can come too, ok?" Feliciano said, trying to diffuse Lovino's anger.

By this time, Lovino had become despondent and he could only stare at his brother.

Taking a great breath, Lovino smiled.

"Fine, we can do that. I'm sorry I overreacted. Go on, enjoy your cruise." he said.

Feliciano and Ludwig exchanged confused looks.

"Uh…you're not mad?" Feliciano asked.

"Mad? No, I'm not mad." Lovino said still smiling.

"A-Are you sure?" Ludwig asked.

"Nope, I'm perfectly fine."

After eyeing him for a while, Feliciano sighed in relief.

"That's good, I thought you'd be mad." he said, laughing.

"Nope, I told you I'm ok." Lovino reassured.

"Good. Now, let's go home." Feliciano said "I'm getting hungry."

And with that they walked off the dock and got in Ludwig's car.

Feliciano, instead of sitting in the front with Ludwig, he sat in the back just to keep an eye on him and just watched him occasionally from the corner of his eye.

And all the while to their house, there was something stirring behind Lovino's eyes even though he was still smiling. Something Feliciano was afraid of.

The calm before the storm.

Lovino could remember vividly the night after Feliciano told him the news.

The night before they left wasn't as bad. But the night after they left was absolutely horrible.

After everyone had went to bed after a very uncomfortable dinner, Lovino laid in his bed staring up at the ceiling unable to sleep.

How could he? When his brother and the man he hated were going to live his dream.

To feel the engine churning under their feet.

To feel the ship rocking this way and that as the waves lapped up against the hull and seeing the seagulls flying and dolphins swimming alongside the ship as people smiled and took pictures.

It was too much to know that they could possibly see and experience that all without him.

Lovino spent most of the night tossing and turning thinking about what he would never get to experience.

Once he finally did get to sleep, it didn't even seem like hours had passed before he was woken up from his sleep.

Feliciano had woken him up by shaking him gently. "Lovino, wake up we're going to leave soon."

Lovino grumbled sleepily as he rubbed his eyes.

"Get ready, we're almost done gathering our luggage so meet us downstairs when you're ready, ok?"

"Yeah, yeah." Lovino grumbled.

Feliciano walked towards the door and he gave a concerned look to Lovino before he walked out.

'Stupid Feliciano' he thought.

'Please, Lovino it would really mean a lot to me if you came to see us off.'

Sure, he'd go if only just to see the massive ship take off from the dock. Bidding them farewell was the least of his concerns.

But he'd still at least try to say goodbye only so his brother won't be worried about him his entire trip.

A pair of pants and a shirt later, he was ready to go. He looked in the mirror so see if he needed to brush his hair but he dismissed it when he thought he looked decent.

As he descended the stairs, he saw that Ludwig and Feliciano were putting their things in the taxi.

He couldn't be bothered to help them

After all it was their trip why should he help?

Ten minutes later they piled in the car and set off for the docks.

Again Feliciano sat in back with Lovino making sure he was ok.

To try and ease the tense atmosphere, Feliciano reached over and grabbed up Lovino's hand and squeezed tightly and tried to give his best smile despite the circumstances.

Lovino, feeling the contact only looked down and his hand in Feliciano's and turned his attention back to the scenery passing by.

Once they got there, the place was crowded with people boarding the ship and people bidding farewell to their loved ones and friends.

A time that was supposed to cheerful and happy.

This was obviously not the case with Lovino.

They got out of the car and started unpacking (at least Ludwig and Feliciano were, Lovino stood by watching the people board the vessel).

After they were done, the ship's horn reverberated throughout the dock.

"Ten minutes 'till departure!" said the ticket taker.

"Well, Lovino, see you in two weeks." Ludwig said patting him on the shoulder.

It took all of his will power to not slap his hand away and say, 'Fuck you, don't touch me.'

"Yeah, Lovino we'll see you later. I promise I'll bring you back a souvenir or something. I'll look really hard, ok?" he said hugging Lovino tightly. "I'll miss you" he said softly.

Lovino didn't hug back. It hurt him too much to know that this thing seemed to be planned behind his back.

And as an afterthought, before letting go Feliciano added softly, "Lovino…please be careful…we'll be back soon I promise. You won't even know we're gone."

Ha.

Not know they're gone?

Yeah right.

He watched them as they ascended the ramp.

A few minutes later and the ship's horn once again sounded throughout the dock.

Lovino heard the massive engine roar to life and saw the water churning behind the ship.

If it weren't under the circumstances he would have enjoyed watching the ship sail off.

But he just couldn't enjoy it. Not when his brother was off to enjoy a cruise.

A cruise with him.

As the ship started pulling out of the dock, he looked up after hearing Feliciano yell down to him waving while dragging Ludwig to the back of the ship.

'God, Feliciano is so loud!' Lovino thought.

Weakly, Lovino raised his arm up and waved and tried to give his best smile as they got further and further away from the dock.

Feliciano feeling ever guiltier as they watched Lovino get further and further wondered if all this was worth it.

Ludwig, sensing Feliciano's distress squeezed his shoulder reassuringly.

"It'll be ok. Don't worry about it." he said, trying to lift Feliciano's spirits.

"Do you think he'll be ok?" Feliciano said turning to Ludwig.

"He'll be fine. Don't worry he can take care of himself." he said.

"Oh, I hope you're right." Feliciano said burying his face in Ludwig's chest as strong arms wrapped around him.

Back at the docks Lovino watched as the ship sailed off towards the horizon and the crowd of people start to disperse.

Once everyone had left, Lovino still stood there watching the ship, now a tiny speck, on the horizon get smaller and smaller.

Once it was gone, the full reality of what happened hit him.

And it hit him like a ton of bricks.

He hadn't wanted to believe it but seeing it actually happen right in front of him was too much to bear.

Letting his arm fall back to his side, it was with a pang of hurt that the first tear rolled down his cheek.

And then another.

And finally the flood gates opened and his eyes overflowing with tears.

So much so that his vision blurred.

He then turned on his heel and walked down the street, hands in his pockets, tears still flowing down his cheeks.

The walk home wasn't that far of a walk.

Only about fifteen or twenty minutes.

A car was just a convenience.

But still walking down the street this day seemed to take forever.

He sped up his pace so that people wouldn't see him crying walking down the street.

God, what would they think?

He had finally stopped crying about halfway home and he was now in sulking mode.

When he finally got home, he opened the door and just stood there.

A big empty house.

And he would be alone for two weeks.

Closing the door behind him, he walked into the living room and collapsed on the couch.

Uncomfortable with the silence, he reached over to the remote and turned on the TV.

He watched it without really watching it not really paying attention to the dialogue.

All he could gather was that it was some sort of sitcom with canned laughter.

Sure, he got a chuckle every now and again but he was just too numb from the day's events to really watch it.

Before he knew it, it was sunset. A very low one.

Night had come a little too fast for his tastes.

And that was the thing that he had been dreading.

Well, what did you guys think? How was it for the first chapter? Like I said before my writing will only get better with time once I learn to get used to storytelling. Next chapter coming soon! Look forward to Antonio's appearance! : ).

P.S. Sorry, but I suck at summaries. It's kinda hard to give a good summary in a few sentence allowance.