Title: Oh dear a Mary Sue is here
Summary: Legolas as had enough, honestly he has. Where do these beings spring from? Mayhap they are left over from Morgoth? And they seem to always come for him. Honestly why couldn't they go annoy Glorfindel for once and leave him be? And so here is how Legolas has fended off various sues told in a handful of drabbles. Enjoy Sue haters!
Warning: Excessive Sue bashing and utter ridiculousness ahead.
Authors notes: Yeah I all know I should be concentrating on all my other fanfics but I read this Mary Sue story and I almost died. It was horrible! Nothing was canon and it was almost perverted. I mean the girl was 14 and he was, I dunno, at least three thousand years old. And so, I have decided that I must do something about it. And lo and behold this fic was born!
Urban dictionary Mary sue Definition number 1
A female character who is so perfect that she is annoying. The name originated in a very short Star Trek story that mocked the sort of female characters who showed up in fanfiction. It usually refers to original female characters put into fanfiction, but can refer to any character.
Mary-Sues are characters who are usually extraordinarily gorgeous, amazingly talented, unusually powerful, and exceedingly attractive to whoever the author has a crush on. They often possess ridiculously fancy and pretentious first names - Angel, Raven, Jewel, Lorelei Bianca Julia Marizza Snape - and are very, very annoying.
Italics are thoughts
Dark auburn hair highlighted with gold fell down to the small of her back like a waterfall, rich and verdant and so very, very lush. Her skin was a pale alabaster, flawless and silky in the extreme. A pure white dress ensconced her lissom form, accenting her curves as it fanned out from her hips. The top of the dress was kept from slipping off by some miracle of anatomy since it was halfway down her breasts. Her eyes were the purest of blues, mirroring the perfectness and purity of the beautiful soul housed within her beautiful body, sometimes changing from stormy grey to a vibrant purple depending on her mood. In other words she was perfect, Thranduil thought in disgust.
"May I introduce Lady Katarrinya Amarida the light of Lothlorien, the half dryad step daughter to Galadriel and Celeborn, Oracle of Beleriand even though it sunk millennium before she was born, famed sorceress of the Lotus isles and Queen of Middle Earth", the herald was blue in the face after he had finished but one look at the hyacinth beauty was enough to make it worth while. His pants tented. Thranduil suppressed a yawn, after all this was the third Mary Sue today and the sun had barely risen in the sky.
"Welcome my Lady", Thranduil said although it was clear to all those who hailed from Mirkwood that the Lady was anything but.
"My Lord", Lady Katarrinya said in such a musical voice that could surely charm the stars from the sky and make the Valar bow to her every whim. "Your son and I-"
-Here we go-
"-Pledged our undying love to each other when we fought in the fellowship. We parted under the bitterest of circumstances when I sacrificed myself to carry the ring to Mordor and dump it in Mt Doom. After many harrowing adventures and bravery on my modest self I have returned to seek my beloved…where is he".
Thranduil rubbed his temples; he could already feel a headache coming on. "My Lady, Legolas is-".
At that moment the big oaken doors crashed open and a brown haired elf closely followed by twin rave haired elves sprang into the room. All were armed with bows.
"Here-", Thranduil completed before leaning back on his throne, this could get interesting.
"It's a Mary Sue, get her!" Cried Legolas and then he and his friends, the Lords Elladan and Elrohir, charged.
"But my names-AHHHHHHHHHHHHH".
Thranduil chuckled as he surveyed the blood splattered walls and called for more wine and the royal painter.
XXX
Urban dictionary Mary Sue definition number two
An original character (fem.) in fanfic or an original story, usually on the internet, who is far superior to all other characters. She is typically beautiful, intelligent, kind, and in all other ways "perfect". She usually serves as an important part in a pivotal plot element (ie: a prophecy) and becomes romantically involved with the author's favourite character in the story. The internet fiction world runs rampant with these characters.
The stunningly gorgeous young women ran on bleeding bare feet through the dark tangle of the forest. Behind her the baying of hounds announced that her former captors were gaining on her. Cruel barbed plants grasped at her thin gown, tearing the already shredded garment and revealing enough skin to make even the horniest of men gag and pull away. Bright midnight blue eyes flooded with tears and spilled over perfect alabaster cheeks. Her legs ached from exhaustion but she dared not stop for even a moments rest for surely her captors would overrun her.
Alas she tripped, rolling down a hill that had suddenly appeared from nowhere in a tangle of flailing limbs. At last she came to a halt at the bottom. Two booted feet appeared in her line of sight and the young women whimpered as her fearful eyes met her one true love. Alas he was the one leading the hunting party that bayed for her blood.
She turned beseeching eyes upon him, begging for mercy yet she refused to give up her pride and dignity. "Legolas…please", the girl whimpered pitifully as she struggled to hold in her tears.
She thought herself triumphant when an unknown emotion entered her prince's twilight eyes. And then he reached down, lips almost brushing hers, eyes closed in what she thought was bliss as he whispered the words…
"Im not your prince".
The Mary Sue had only three seconds for the words to register before Legolas's eyes snapped open and he gripped her hair in a painfully tight gip, yanking her exhausted self cruelly to a standing position as he himself stood.
"Come my Lady", Legolas said cheerfully over her screams of terror, "I believe you have an appointment with the giant spiders?"
The patrol winced as a shrill "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO", echoed throughout the woods.
"Silly Bitch", one elf grumbled, "If she continues on like that she'll bring the spiders on us as well".
XXX
Urban Dictionary Mary Sue definition number 3
A negative reference to a female character Most times, the "Mary-Sue" is based upon the author. As stated above, the name of the character referred to as
commonly used by beginning writers in their Fan-fiction.
She is unusually perfect and more advanced, also befriends
or becomes romantically entangled with the author's favourite
character/characters from the series. Because she is more
superior than the other characters in the work, she mainly
becomes the focus of the fan-fiction, thus ruining whatever
the fan-fiction was about.
the "Mary-Sue" does not matter.
The council of Elrond was commencing as planned even though Legolas was sure that Elladan was sleeping. You never knew with him.
Elrohir leaned towards Legolas with an encouraging smile. "Half way through and no sign of a Mary Sue. Well done mellon nin".
Of course he spoke too soon and almost at once an insanely hot young women with wings of verdant emerald flew into the council area, enthralling all the mortals.
"My lords I am Armaritean Elvirast daughter of Earendil, the messenger of the Valar-"
She got no further because Legolas, without taking his eyes off Elrohir, reached into his tunic sleeve and pressed the button concealed there.
A trap door opened beneath the Mary Sue and the so called 'Messenger of the Valar' fell into the deep hole. Elrohir sniggered when a gout of fire burst through the hole, roaring three metres in the air before dying down.
Elrohir sniggered and nudged his brother. "That one was my idea", he whispered none too quietly, drawing the eyes of the horrified mortals to their corner of the council. The three sniggered conspiratorially as muted screams emanated from the charred hole of doom in the floor.
"That would be the crocodiles", Legolas said and Elrohir and Elladan grinned.
Elrond cleared his throat, unperturbed by what had happened. "Right", he said, "Shall we continue".
And even as the shell shocked mortals listened numbly to the elflord's speech, pitched so all could hear him over the dying moans of the Mary Sue.
The End
Hope you all enjoyed this, I certainly thought this was fun to write.