Ted Frii closed the cage to the Giant Tuxedo Birds and checked off a box on
his list. Ted was a part-time worker at Unseen University's Beastaries, a
job that had had to be one of the easiest on the Disc- so far. But Fate
plays cruel jokes, and Fate was in a particularly bad mood today.
It is said the Fate always wins, but that was before Fate had learned Pick up
Sticks. This childlike game is often a challenge for the young because they lack dexterity. But they were in advance courses compared to Fate. Fate was always subtle, and you can't be the quintessence of subtlety and also have dexterity.
"I give up," he said at length. "Let's play another game."
"No," said Blind Io decisively, "It's lunch time. The mortals are preparing the sacrifices as we speak."
"Oh. Okay. How about an Amusing Fiasco of Circumstance while we eat?"
The gods all turned and looked at Fate. Amusing Fiascos of Circumstance were generally regarded all across the Disc as Fate's most lethal, destructive, and above all amusing tricks. Fate smiled at the host of hopeful faces.
"I thought so. We can receive our sacrifices and watch at the same time. So, where will it be this time?"
"How about Howandaland?"
"Nope. They're still recovering from that time I opened up a cavern under their leader."
"Quirm, then?"
"I'd rather not. They don't react as emotionally as some nations."
"Ankh-Morpork?"
Fate smiled and looked up at the speaker. It was the Lady, who had, as usual, entered from nowhere. She smiled and seated herself next to Offler, the crocodile god.
"You would, wouldn't you?" he said, and on the table around which the gods sat, there appeared a moving picture. It was of Ankh- Morpork's fabled Unseen University. The picture slowly zoomed in on a worker in the large glass-and-masonry buildings known as the Beastaries.
"Well, sit back and watch the show. I do believe they've begun the sacrifices."
* * *
Ted smiled as he thought of a joke, and he pushed some flowers through the slit in the glass wall that was one side of the terrarium in which were kept four Quantum Weather Butterflies. They flapped their Mandelbrot wings; generating small storms intended to slow each other down in their race for the food. They glided foreword through rain and snow, and all, as usual, overshot the trajectory and hit the glass. Well, they would've, except there was no glass to hit.
The glass wall was gone.
The Quantum Weather Butterflies immediately forgot their flowers, and flew, as one, through an open window. Ted had by now gotten to the Walking Trees, and failed to notice their absence.
* * *
Rincewind leaned heavily on his staff as he walked into the downtown of Ankh-Morpork. He assured himself that the swelling in his ankle would go down any hour now. He had just returned from an unintended journey to Klatch. It had started out as a trip up the Ankh, but he had gotten on the wrong boat and had subsequently been hauled all the way across the Circle Sea, arriving in some small town he couldn't even pronounce, and this had led to the belief of the locals that he was the Great Wizard. Things had spiraled downward from there. The Luggage clumped obediently along beside him.
He hove within sight of the food cart commanded by the infamous Cut-Me-Own- Throat-Dibbler.
"A sausage with condiments. It's been ages," he said to Dibbler, then collapsed.
Dibbler looked around nervously. It would look reeaal bad if there was a body lying next to his cart. A passing Watchman saved him.
"Ho there! This man has just inexplicably collapsed from what appears to be . . . um . . . exhaustion?"
"Youse talkin' to me?" asked Sergeant Detritus, grinding to a halt.
"Yeah. Could you get this man to help?"
"Sure." Detritus picked up Rincewind and carefully laid him over his shoulder.
Overhead, the sunny sky was being overrun with platoons of clouds, pulling behind them the Siege Cumulonimbus. The four Quantum Weather Butterflies were swooshing about near the Tower of Art in patterns that represented complex formulae.
One Quantum Weather Butterfly was sufficient to bring down an empire. Times four, that force was capable of reshaping the face of the Disc.
* * *
Death walked past rows of hourglasses. They stood for lives that were still living. As he walked, he noticed that entire rows of glasses were running down. There appeared to be a natural disaster in the works. Death double checked his readings, and came to the same conclusion. He picked up his scythe and ascended into the world of the living.
* * *
Detritus was going as fast as he could toward the Watch House, and so nearly killed Constables Visit and Shoe as they rounded the bend. Well, he nearly killed Visit; Shoe was a zombie.
"Please don't rush into me like that," pleaded Visit, "I was just having an invigorating conversation with Constable Shoe here.
Shoe immediately noticed Rincewind
"Who's that?"
"Some guy collapsed next to Dibbler's"
"Doesn't surprise me. I died of a stomach disease I would dearly love to trace back to him."
Constable Visit looked concerned. "Let's get him back to the Watch House"
Shoe looked closer. "Actually, I think he's just worn out. Here's a stand; let's buy him an apple. Maybe that'll wake him up."
Visit marched swiftly over to the nearest stand and bought an apple, which he gently inserted into Rincewind's mouth.
"Say, what's this thing following us for?" asked Shoe. He was indicating the Luggage, which had been quietly following Detritus and was looking curious[1].
Rincewind moaned, and his hand went to the apple. He bit off part of it, and pulled the rest out of his mouth.
"Where am I? You're the Watch, right?"
"Yessir," said Visit. "I am Constable Visit, this is Constable Shoe, and the Troll carrying you is Sergeant Detritus."
Rincewind moaned again, looked at the apple, and finished it in one bite. "What happened?"
"You were found by Detritus next to Dibbler's food cart," said Shoe. "I believe that is self-explanatory."
* * *
Three miles above Ankh-Morpork, the clouds had merged into one huge thunderhead 20 miles on a side. The underside of the huge mass looked like an unraveling towel. This could be credited with the fact that the Quantum Weather Butterflies were now entering the Mobius Formula phase of their dance
* * *
The gods had finished watching the sacrifices, and were now donating their whole attentions to the Amusing Fiasco of Circumstance.
* * *
The Butterflies all swooped together in one fluid movement and then broke away from formulas and went back to their regular motions. The storm was ready.
* * *
" . . .And that's when I jumped out of his way and quickly boarded the Ageatean junk sailing for Ankh-Morpork," concluded Rincewind.
The Watch Members were looking at Rincewind with a kind of Awe.
"Well, that's the whole story. Which way is Unseen University. I'd like to see the looks on the faces of those cretins when I show up alive![2]"
Suddenly, the heavens gave an almighty roar, and the policemen, Rincewind, and the Luggage were all struck to the ground by a wall of water from above.
They were instantly soaked to the bone (For the Luggage, this was a re- enforcer bar) and struggled to stand up. The roar was two loud to talk over, and so they simple huddled together and continued walking toward the University.
* * *
In one of the obscure chambers of this, Ridcully was having a heart-to- heart talk with Hex.
"So, how do you propose we build in the swampy lowlands around the edge of town?"
+++This is not necessary. Clean up the Unreal estates and buy the land from its ownerz zoot zoot ERROR- interrfere░▒ +++
"Hex! Hex, what's wrong!?"
+++WARNING- Pipes flooding. Emergency Shut Up engaged to protect Core+++
Ridcully looked down and saw that there were about six inches of water on the ground. And it was still rising.
* * *
The water was now high enough to sweep people away. The policemen and Rincewind were clinging to Detritus while the Luggage Luggage-Paddled alongside. All around, Ankh-Morpork's shoddier buildings[3] were collapsing and being swept away. Detritus headed into a boarded up building with a locked door. He smashed this down, and headed for the second story.
"Where are we?" asked Constable Visit.
"I've heard of this place," said Shoe. "Assassin's Guild keeps all sorts of weapons in a stockpile." He picked up one. "This appears to launch fireballs." He depressed the trigger, sending a large ball of flame hurtling into Detritus, who looked slightly surprised and brushed the soot off him.
"Yep, Fireballs alright."
"For shame!" cried Visit, "That was uncalled for!"
"Sorry," said Shoe, although it didn't sound genuine.
Rincewind said nothing. A rather unpleasant memory involving lots of rain and terra cotta men was showing a re-run in the back of his mind.
"Hey. This may sound stupid-"
"Shoot," said Shoe as he hefted a device that appeared to shoot nails onto his shoulder.
"Well, have any of you ever heard of a butterfly that causes storms?"
"Actually I have," said Shoe, peppering the wall next to Rincewind with nails.
" 'S called the Quantum Weather Butterfly. May the gods help anyone afflicted with one. Say, you don't think that's what's out there, do you?"
"I had a run in with one on the Counterweight Continent. It rained just like this."
"You may have something." Shoe stuck his weapon out the window and looked through the viewfinder. "What're we looking for anyway?"
"Bright colors. They flap weird, too."
***
Well, this is the end of the first chapter of Drowning Ankh-Morpork. Comments and/or suggestions are appreciated. This is my first Fan-Fic, so be considerate in your criticism. Please. NOTE: The Characters in the story are the intellectual property of Terry Pratchett. I have created this story for the amusement of others and myself and neither stand nor intend to make a profit from it.
----------------------- [1] This is done by sagging at one end and raising the other
[2] This is a reference to the Cretin Empire, which crumbled upon contact with General Tacticus. They didn't seem to care what became of their troops.
[3] About 65% of the city
It is said the Fate always wins, but that was before Fate had learned Pick up
Sticks. This childlike game is often a challenge for the young because they lack dexterity. But they were in advance courses compared to Fate. Fate was always subtle, and you can't be the quintessence of subtlety and also have dexterity.
"I give up," he said at length. "Let's play another game."
"No," said Blind Io decisively, "It's lunch time. The mortals are preparing the sacrifices as we speak."
"Oh. Okay. How about an Amusing Fiasco of Circumstance while we eat?"
The gods all turned and looked at Fate. Amusing Fiascos of Circumstance were generally regarded all across the Disc as Fate's most lethal, destructive, and above all amusing tricks. Fate smiled at the host of hopeful faces.
"I thought so. We can receive our sacrifices and watch at the same time. So, where will it be this time?"
"How about Howandaland?"
"Nope. They're still recovering from that time I opened up a cavern under their leader."
"Quirm, then?"
"I'd rather not. They don't react as emotionally as some nations."
"Ankh-Morpork?"
Fate smiled and looked up at the speaker. It was the Lady, who had, as usual, entered from nowhere. She smiled and seated herself next to Offler, the crocodile god.
"You would, wouldn't you?" he said, and on the table around which the gods sat, there appeared a moving picture. It was of Ankh- Morpork's fabled Unseen University. The picture slowly zoomed in on a worker in the large glass-and-masonry buildings known as the Beastaries.
"Well, sit back and watch the show. I do believe they've begun the sacrifices."
* * *
Ted smiled as he thought of a joke, and he pushed some flowers through the slit in the glass wall that was one side of the terrarium in which were kept four Quantum Weather Butterflies. They flapped their Mandelbrot wings; generating small storms intended to slow each other down in their race for the food. They glided foreword through rain and snow, and all, as usual, overshot the trajectory and hit the glass. Well, they would've, except there was no glass to hit.
The glass wall was gone.
The Quantum Weather Butterflies immediately forgot their flowers, and flew, as one, through an open window. Ted had by now gotten to the Walking Trees, and failed to notice their absence.
* * *
Rincewind leaned heavily on his staff as he walked into the downtown of Ankh-Morpork. He assured himself that the swelling in his ankle would go down any hour now. He had just returned from an unintended journey to Klatch. It had started out as a trip up the Ankh, but he had gotten on the wrong boat and had subsequently been hauled all the way across the Circle Sea, arriving in some small town he couldn't even pronounce, and this had led to the belief of the locals that he was the Great Wizard. Things had spiraled downward from there. The Luggage clumped obediently along beside him.
He hove within sight of the food cart commanded by the infamous Cut-Me-Own- Throat-Dibbler.
"A sausage with condiments. It's been ages," he said to Dibbler, then collapsed.
Dibbler looked around nervously. It would look reeaal bad if there was a body lying next to his cart. A passing Watchman saved him.
"Ho there! This man has just inexplicably collapsed from what appears to be . . . um . . . exhaustion?"
"Youse talkin' to me?" asked Sergeant Detritus, grinding to a halt.
"Yeah. Could you get this man to help?"
"Sure." Detritus picked up Rincewind and carefully laid him over his shoulder.
Overhead, the sunny sky was being overrun with platoons of clouds, pulling behind them the Siege Cumulonimbus. The four Quantum Weather Butterflies were swooshing about near the Tower of Art in patterns that represented complex formulae.
One Quantum Weather Butterfly was sufficient to bring down an empire. Times four, that force was capable of reshaping the face of the Disc.
* * *
Death walked past rows of hourglasses. They stood for lives that were still living. As he walked, he noticed that entire rows of glasses were running down. There appeared to be a natural disaster in the works. Death double checked his readings, and came to the same conclusion. He picked up his scythe and ascended into the world of the living.
* * *
Detritus was going as fast as he could toward the Watch House, and so nearly killed Constables Visit and Shoe as they rounded the bend. Well, he nearly killed Visit; Shoe was a zombie.
"Please don't rush into me like that," pleaded Visit, "I was just having an invigorating conversation with Constable Shoe here.
Shoe immediately noticed Rincewind
"Who's that?"
"Some guy collapsed next to Dibbler's"
"Doesn't surprise me. I died of a stomach disease I would dearly love to trace back to him."
Constable Visit looked concerned. "Let's get him back to the Watch House"
Shoe looked closer. "Actually, I think he's just worn out. Here's a stand; let's buy him an apple. Maybe that'll wake him up."
Visit marched swiftly over to the nearest stand and bought an apple, which he gently inserted into Rincewind's mouth.
"Say, what's this thing following us for?" asked Shoe. He was indicating the Luggage, which had been quietly following Detritus and was looking curious[1].
Rincewind moaned, and his hand went to the apple. He bit off part of it, and pulled the rest out of his mouth.
"Where am I? You're the Watch, right?"
"Yessir," said Visit. "I am Constable Visit, this is Constable Shoe, and the Troll carrying you is Sergeant Detritus."
Rincewind moaned again, looked at the apple, and finished it in one bite. "What happened?"
"You were found by Detritus next to Dibbler's food cart," said Shoe. "I believe that is self-explanatory."
* * *
Three miles above Ankh-Morpork, the clouds had merged into one huge thunderhead 20 miles on a side. The underside of the huge mass looked like an unraveling towel. This could be credited with the fact that the Quantum Weather Butterflies were now entering the Mobius Formula phase of their dance
* * *
The gods had finished watching the sacrifices, and were now donating their whole attentions to the Amusing Fiasco of Circumstance.
* * *
The Butterflies all swooped together in one fluid movement and then broke away from formulas and went back to their regular motions. The storm was ready.
* * *
" . . .And that's when I jumped out of his way and quickly boarded the Ageatean junk sailing for Ankh-Morpork," concluded Rincewind.
The Watch Members were looking at Rincewind with a kind of Awe.
"Well, that's the whole story. Which way is Unseen University. I'd like to see the looks on the faces of those cretins when I show up alive![2]"
Suddenly, the heavens gave an almighty roar, and the policemen, Rincewind, and the Luggage were all struck to the ground by a wall of water from above.
They were instantly soaked to the bone (For the Luggage, this was a re- enforcer bar) and struggled to stand up. The roar was two loud to talk over, and so they simple huddled together and continued walking toward the University.
* * *
In one of the obscure chambers of this, Ridcully was having a heart-to- heart talk with Hex.
"So, how do you propose we build in the swampy lowlands around the edge of town?"
+++This is not necessary. Clean up the Unreal estates and buy the land from its ownerz zoot zoot ERROR- interrfere░▒ +++
"Hex! Hex, what's wrong!?"
+++WARNING- Pipes flooding. Emergency Shut Up engaged to protect Core+++
Ridcully looked down and saw that there were about six inches of water on the ground. And it was still rising.
* * *
The water was now high enough to sweep people away. The policemen and Rincewind were clinging to Detritus while the Luggage Luggage-Paddled alongside. All around, Ankh-Morpork's shoddier buildings[3] were collapsing and being swept away. Detritus headed into a boarded up building with a locked door. He smashed this down, and headed for the second story.
"Where are we?" asked Constable Visit.
"I've heard of this place," said Shoe. "Assassin's Guild keeps all sorts of weapons in a stockpile." He picked up one. "This appears to launch fireballs." He depressed the trigger, sending a large ball of flame hurtling into Detritus, who looked slightly surprised and brushed the soot off him.
"Yep, Fireballs alright."
"For shame!" cried Visit, "That was uncalled for!"
"Sorry," said Shoe, although it didn't sound genuine.
Rincewind said nothing. A rather unpleasant memory involving lots of rain and terra cotta men was showing a re-run in the back of his mind.
"Hey. This may sound stupid-"
"Shoot," said Shoe as he hefted a device that appeared to shoot nails onto his shoulder.
"Well, have any of you ever heard of a butterfly that causes storms?"
"Actually I have," said Shoe, peppering the wall next to Rincewind with nails.
" 'S called the Quantum Weather Butterfly. May the gods help anyone afflicted with one. Say, you don't think that's what's out there, do you?"
"I had a run in with one on the Counterweight Continent. It rained just like this."
"You may have something." Shoe stuck his weapon out the window and looked through the viewfinder. "What're we looking for anyway?"
"Bright colors. They flap weird, too."
***
Well, this is the end of the first chapter of Drowning Ankh-Morpork. Comments and/or suggestions are appreciated. This is my first Fan-Fic, so be considerate in your criticism. Please. NOTE: The Characters in the story are the intellectual property of Terry Pratchett. I have created this story for the amusement of others and myself and neither stand nor intend to make a profit from it.
----------------------- [1] This is done by sagging at one end and raising the other
[2] This is a reference to the Cretin Empire, which crumbled upon contact with General Tacticus. They didn't seem to care what became of their troops.
[3] About 65% of the city