Title: No Longer Left Unsaid

Author: The Sun Was In My Eyes

Spoliers: Takes place right after 'The Limey'

Disclaimer: I wish these characters belonged to me. I wish.

A/N: First Castle fic I've ever written. This obviously didn't happen, it was just something to tide me over while we wait for the next episode. I hope you enjoy it.

No Longer Left Unsaid

Her hands were shaking as she pressed the buttons on her phone to reach the man who had left only moments before. Kate asked him if he was still available for that drink, knowing that she really didn't want him to be. She didn't like feeling vulnerable. She didn't like the way Castle had been behaving, but mostly she didn't like the fact that she didn't recognize him. She couldn't read what he was thinking. She couldn't understand why he'd been so cold lately.

And now she was meeting another man for drinks.

Kate frowned and pushed her paperwork aside, grabbed her coat, and went to meet Colin outside. He hadn't even left the building yet when she'd changed her mind. She decided on the walk down that if Castle wanted uncomplicated she should want the same. She could do fun and uncomplicated. She could meet another man for drinks. It's not like they had an understanding or anything. It's not like they were in a relationship.

Damn it.

When Colin, standing beside an impatient taxi cab, noticed her approach he smiled and said something along the lines of being glad he would be able to spend more time with her. Kate tried to smile back and mean it.

He was a nice man.

Kate appreciated the devotion to his loved ones that he had so clearly shown.

He seemed considerate and genuine, and he was certainly charming.

He was a nice man and extremely attractive and he did absolutely nothing for her. He wasn't the man for her. Everything would be so much easier if her heart hadn't decided on Richard Castle as her one and done. Her life would be simple and fun and uncomplicated.

And empty.

She would let Colin buy her a drink because he was leaving in a few hours, but even if he wasn't there would be nothing more to the night out. She would buy him a drink in return for keeping her from drinking alone.

Castle had hurt her.

Usually she was so fond of him and his way with words. He was always so particular about choosing the right ones. He knew exactly what words to say to her to hurt her. There was no way he couldn't have known the impact he would cause with his parting statement.

The banter with Colin on the way to the bar was lighthearted and completely one-sided. Kate knew she wasn't keeping up her end of the conversation and only felt a little badly about it. The man beside her wasn't overly flirty, and for that Kate was grateful. It would be easier to keep this light. Having an adult conversation would be nice, but she couldn't ignore the fact that she'd rather be with someone else.

Kate realized her hands were still shaking from her encounter with Castle when they pulled up to The Old Haunt. Of all of the places Colin could have chosen in New York City to get a drink, he had to go and pick the one owned by the man who had recently trampled on her heart.

"Ryan mentioned that if I were going to get a drink, this was the place to go," Colin said, slightly baffled at her almost gaping expression. Ryan, Kate cursed the other detective silently. He's been on the end of her fury quite frequently. He had the worst timing of any one she has ever met. Or maybe it's not him that has the worst timing, Kate thought with a frown as she stared at the bar's neon sign. She hadn't been expecting getting a drink at the familiar hang out. It seemed wrong somehow.

"Let's go," Kate said, not completely sure if she meant away from here or inside. Colin made the decision for her and grasped her elbow slightly as he shouldered his way through the door. The bar was pretty crowded, but that was normal. Castle treated his customers, mostly cops, fair. Kate took in the familiar noisy bar and nodded at a few people she recognized as she took a seat on a stool. Colin slid onto the one next to her and they waited for the bartender to get around to them.

Kate allowed her gaze to linger for a moment on her companion. He was handsome, but even though she didn't mind looking at him, she wished suddenly that the eyes staring back at her were a different color. She wished they were a bright shade of blue, crinkled in amusement.

"Kate, I had a really good time working with you," Colin began and Kate braced herself for whatever he said next. It was her fault, agreeing to this drink in the first place, so she gave him a small smile to continue. "If I don't get into too much trouble, I'll be in D.C.—"

What was she doing? Kate thought with a slight panic. She couldn't do it. She didn't want to be here, and she certainly didn't want him to think that she was available. Lord knows what Castle was doing right now, it actually hurt to consider it, but it was her move. He'd been pulling away and she needed to know why. She needed to convince him that she had been worth the wait. That what they had and could have was worth it all. She knew it.

Colin was a nice man and she needed to set him straight. "Look, Colin, I think you're a great guy but," Kate realized suddenly that she didn't know how to explain her situation.

"But…"

"I have someone in my life," she finally decided on the phrase and was happy with it. The statement was honest and ambiguous enough not to warrant conclusions on just who it could possibly be.

"Serious?" It was phrased as a question, but Kate could see that Detective Inspector Hunt had already worked it out.

Apparently everyone but Castle knew how she felt.

"For me," Kate replied with a frown. A few weeks ago her answer might have been different. A few weeks ago she wouldn't even be sitting here. She would have been sitting across from Castle, sipping on a strawberry milkshake and laughing while he told her over-the-top stories about Martha or baby Alexis. She wished that's where she was right now. Who the hell knows how Castle's spending his time away from her.

"The writer," Colin stated with an understanding nod, but when Kate looked over at him he seemed confused.

"What?"

"The man seemed nice, if not a bit over zealous at times, but I just don't see it. He was making dates with other women, bringing them into your workplace, and all right in front of you. Why would he be worth your time?"

Kate automatically went on the defensive, ready to stand by her partner. "He's not like that." But then she realized he was. He had brought that blonde stewardess into her precinct. He had shared information from an open investigation with her. Kate scowled, remembering how clueless he acted when she'd confronted him about it. At Colin's raised brow, Kate sighed, and admitted that Castle probably hadn't given him the best impression.

But Castle wasn't like that. He was considerate and kind and thoughtful. He'd been different this past week. He hasn't been himself. He'd snapped at her for no reason more than once. He flew off to Vegas for a good time over the weekend. All in all, Castle had been acting worse than when she'd first met him over three years ago, and Kate couldn't figure out why. Something had happened to him.

As bad as his behavior had been recently, Kate couldn't help but remember how he'd been since her shooting, before it even. He has been there for her the way no has been before, even when she tried to push him away. He makes her laugh when she needs to, and knows when to back off and when to push her. He forgave her for the summer, and invites her to family dinners. He helps with paperwork, even though she knows he hates it. Kate remembered how broken she felt, after hearing that explosion at the bank. She remembered how empty she felt for those few minutes when she'd had to imagine her world without him in it. If she'd been brave she would have told him then. She should have told him just how much he meant to her.

Thinking back on her conversation with Lanie, and rehashing every doubt she had voiced about him and his divorces, Kate suddenly felt small. Even if he was being a jerk, even if he was finally tired of waiting for her, it had been unfair of her to judge him, when she had no basis on how those relationships had ended. She owed it to him to ask. They needed to talk. That's where she should be right now.

As if her thoughts had conjured him up, as if thinking about him made her even more aware, Kate turned her head as the crowd before her started to die down, and spotted the subject of her musings in the back corner booth of his bar. He was alone, typing away on his laptop. His coat was draped along the back of the booth. The red dress shirt bright against the dark colors of the bar, sleeves rolled up to his elbows.

He's here alone.

No date.

"Not a date," Kate murmured in disbelief. Why would he lie to her about a date? Kate wanted to go over there and ask him why, she wanted to demand answers to every question she hadn't been able to dismiss. Why he was alone, and why he'd been avoiding spending time with her? Why he decided to stop waiting and why he'd been so mean to her? More than anything, she wanted to ask him what she'd done to push him away. She'd been worried about doing just that and needed to know how she'd let it happen anyway.

Moving to stand, Kate paused, remembering her date.

Sort of date.

Drinking companion.

She turned back to Colin and saw only understanding in his eyes and a smile. "Maybe he's not like that," he offered, referring back to his previous statement. Even from here, even to a perfect stranger, it was obvious that Castle was hurting. Or maybe Detective Inspector Hunt had gotten to know Castle more than he let on. She narrowed her eyes slightly in thought, before deciding it just didn't matter.

"It was nice meeting you Colin, and I hope you get back home safely, but my partner needs me right now," Kate explained with a nod in Castle's direction.

Colin's smile brightened. "By all means," he said, gesturing in the direction she wanted to go and then winked. "Ryan was right about this being the bar to come to."

Kate decided she loved Ryan.

"Thank you," she told Colin sincerely. She didn't know why he'd decided to become involved, but she was grateful he'd brought her here. To Castle.

"Hopefully we'll meet again Detective Beckett," he said quietly and Kate nodded and smiled goodbye.

She began the short walk over to her writer, wringing her fingers nervously as she studied him. Kate was determined to tell him how she felt no matter what. She was determined that they finally talk. It was long overdue. She wouldn't be too late. She wouldn't lose him.

When she reached his booth he didn't notice her. Kate stared at him for a moment, watched as he typed something, frowned, and then hit the delete key rapidly in obvious frustration. Wondering fleetingly what scene was giving him so much trouble; she pushed the thought aside, and took the time to get a really good look at him. He hadn't given her a real opportunity to do so lately. He was tired, she'd noticed the bags under his eyes, but had chalked it up to late night flights from Las Vegas. He looked older too, and less carefree. As he sat there, alone, with only his laptop, he appeared almost vulnerable. The playboy façade gone completely, allowing Kate to recognize just how big of an act he'd been putting on. She could recognize the man before her. And he was hurting.

"Hot date?" she said before she could stop herself and then cursed inwardly. There were better openings, better lines to get his attention with.

Castle glanced up quickly, startled enough not to cover up the happiness, or the hurt, he felt at seeing her fast enough, before the mask she'd seen for the past week was firmly back in place.

The hurt she'd glimpsed stayed with her, and pushed her into motion. She took the seat across from him without invitation. "No interruptions this time," Kate said, not giving him a chance to respond to her opener. "This isn't the Precinct. Ryan and Esposito won't interrupt us before we can say what we really mean. Before I can say what I've been meaning to tell you." It had been her fault trying to have a meaningful conversation there in the first place.

Castle's eye's widened slightly at her tone and Kate forged ahead. "Why have you been so angry?" She asked and managed not to be startled when he slammed the lid of his laptop closed with a harsh snap. Castle sighed, avoided her eyes for a moment, and fiddled with the rim of a full glass of what she assumed was Scotch. He was debating whether or not he should be honest with her.

When he finally did respond, Kate wished for a moment that he hadn't decided on honesty.

"I haven't been angry Kate. I've been hurt."

But then again, she'd already known that. It still hurt to hear it.

"Why?" she breathed out and moved her hand across the able to cover his. Castle sighed again, deeply this time, before slipping his hand away. Kate tried not to let her disappointment show as her heart clenched in that familiar painful ache. He was still pulling away from her.

"I guess, I just realized that maybe something I've been wishing for wasn't going to happen," Castle answered cryptically and Kate leaned back in her booth to study him. Castle was looking at her, his eyes sad, and Kate made a decision then and there to do whatever it took to make that sadness go away.

Stretching her long legs out alongside his, Kate leaned forward again, and waited until she was sure she had his complete attention. "Can we just be honest with each other now, Rick? Can we just be honest and not talk around the issue?" She asked him softly and was somewhat surprised when he scoffed.

Eyes angry now, he leaned forward as well. "Okay Kate. You first. Be honest," Castle said and it sounded like a challenge.

"I heard you," Kate blurted out quickly, and Castle's eyes widened in disbelief and stared at her expectantly, waiting for her to explain.

All of a sudden she knew what she wanted to say. "I heard you last summer. I remember everything that happened that day, but most importantly Rick, I remember you telling me you love me."

He opened his mouth to say something in response, but Kate held a hand up and continued before he got the chance. "I'm sorry it took me so long to admit that. I'm so sorry I lied to you and didn't call you all summer long, but I want you to know that I thought of you and your words every single day. Some days it was all I could think of, some days it was all that kept me going. I can't explain to you why it took me so long to come back to you Castle, or why it has taken me so long to tell you this. I needed your light, but I wasn't ready to step away from the darkness I felt. I wasn't ready for everything that came with loving you.

I needed time and you've given it to me. You've been so patient Castle, so thoughtful, and now I'm afraid I've waited too long," Kate finished, admitting her fear as she let out a breath, realizing just how much pressure had been weighing her down by not being honest with him.

Castle was quiet for a moment, his face once again unreadable, and Kate's eyes filled with tears because it was possible that she was too late, that she made him wait too long, and now she's lost him.

How long had she been expecting him to wait?

Castle drew in a deep breath before speaking. "Waited too long?" He asked, his voice soft and hoarse, almost as if he hadn't spoken a word in days. Kate understood almost immediately what he was asking, what he needed to hear.

"Too late to tell you that I love you too," she said it so simply, but it was anything but simple. She loved so much about this man before her.

His mouth dropped open in astonishment and then he let his head fall back against the back of the booth, exhaling through a little smile. Then Castle was staring at her again, studying her this time and Kate smiled back at him, waiting and ready for his response.

"You love me?" He wanted to be sure.

"I'm in love with you," Kate clarified, nodding, wanting there to be no doubt, her voice serious as she watched and waited for his reaction. The darkness that had been surrounding him was suddenly lifted.

Before she knew what was happening, Castle's hands were gripping the lapels of the coat she'd never removed and he was pulling her closer. His lips crashed onto hers before she could respond, but quickly turned achingly tender and soft against hers. He nibbled on her bottom lip and Kate couldn't have held back the moan if she'd wanted to. It felt so good kissing him and she tried to put everything she felt for him into this kiss. Reaching up she stroked his cheek with her hand and trailed her fingers along his stubble and down his neck. She loved that she felt him tremble in their kiss. Grasping his neck, she pulled him closer and opened her mouth to deepen the kiss. It was Castle's turn to moan as he fell into her.

It felt so right, Kate thought, being with him like this.

And for a moment it was soft, and it was warm, and it was everything she needed it to be. He was everything.

Somehow they'd managed to move to a somewhat standing position on either side of the table, needing to be closer somehow. When Castle finally pulled away, his lips reluctant to part from hers, Kate set her forehead against his for a second before she fell back against the seat, breathless.

He had the same sappy expression on his face that she knew for a fact was on hers and when he dropped back down into his seat, Kate decided she liked it. She bit her lip as he continued to stare, but frowned when his phone, lying neglected on the end of the table, made its presence known. He had been following her long enough, that she could decipher the various sounds that emitted from his phone and this particular tone meant text message.

Kate's face darkened in remembrance as she asked, "Jacinda?" Her heart was heavy. She'd been so caught up, so determined to tell him everything, that she'd forgotten just how he'd hurt her this past week. He'd had three dates with this woman. Kate didn't like it. It wasn't like she had any claim whatsoever on Castle, but she thought they'd had an understanding. Kate thought she'd been better at showing him just how much he meant to her. It hurt that he'd been able to go out with someone else. This whole week had hurt.

"Alexis," Castle supplied, staring at her, after sending a quick response to his daughter. He seemed to make a decision and reached out to take her hand to hold it gently between his. He fiddled with her fingers and she let him.

"My turn to be honest," he said finally and squeezed her hand when Kate moved to pull it away. She needed the distance if she was going to hear about the Jacinda's he's been with. He wouldn't give it to her. He held her hand captive, stroking it tenderly, and Kate sighed.

"Okay," she said, bracing herself for the worst.

"This past weekend I flew to Vegas hoping to get over you, hoping to somehow find a way to switch off my feelings for you. It didn't work," he said quickly when Kate moved to argue. "I got drunk, I lost a lot of money gambling, and I spent the majority of my time there wallowing alone in my hotel room watching movies we've seen together."

Kate was watching him now, fondly, waiting patiently for him to continue.

"Imagine my surprise when that didn't work and the next thing I know I'm flying back to New York, but really to you, and it made me angry. I had another drink on the plane and found myself telling everything to my flight attendant. Jacinda's a nice woman actually. She was very sympathetic to my plight. I'd decided that I couldn't just switch off my feelings. But I also couldn't be around you anymore Kate," Castle admitted and it was her turn to take his hand in both of hers. She rubbed her fingers soothingly along the back of his hand. Kate wasn't sure why he'd felt it necessary to move on. She felt relieved that he hadn't changed, that he was the same man she had come to know and love.

"Jacinda needed a ride home from the airport and I offered. I figured it wouldn't hurt to make you think I was dating. She was convinced that if you acted jealous I should tell you everything," Castle said dryly and then frowned. "I wasn't banking on that."

Kate opened her mouth to voice just how jealous she'd been, but Castle held up his hand.

"I was hurt Kate and I guess I wanted to hurt you back. A part of me wanted you to kick me out. I wasn't strong enough to leave you. I'm so sorry for the way I've been acting, but the truth is, I can't get you out of my head, and I certainly couldn't get you out of my heart, no matter how hard I tried."

Kate was silent for a moment before finally asking something that had been weighing on her mind for almost two weeks now. "Why?"

"I heard you, during the bombing investigation. I was behind the glass while you were interrogating the pick pocket."

Kate narrowed her eyes, trying to remember exactly what she'd said during that interrogation, trying to frantically sift through her memories to find the cause of Castle's pain, and the reason for his withdrawal. Castle saw the moment of clarity. He watched as her face went pale the moment she finally understood.

"I'm so sorry," she breathed out as if in pain, her hands twitching against his. She was upset at the pain she had needlessly caused him. "I'm so sorry Rick," she said again. "I didn't even remember saying that. It didn't occur to me that you had been watching, but that's no excuse. I should have told you a long time ago."

"You weren't ready."

"I could have explained," Kate responded honestly. She didn't need him to defend her actions. "I should have explained, but I was afraid."

"Of me?"

"Of everything. I was afraid that things would change, or even that they wouldn't. I was afraid you'd only told me you loved me because I was dying. I needed to be sure you meant it. I was afraid that I couldn't be what you needed. I'm damaged Castle-"

"Who isn't?" He shot back, face serious and Kate smiled.

"Most of all, I was afraid because I've never felt like this before."

"I haven't either Kate, and if you need me to wait, I'll wait."

This incredible man.

"It will be easier now, knowing that you feel the same."

Kate watched him, noted that he was being completely honest, and her smile grew. Standing, she moved over to his side, nudging him over, so that she could sit next to him. So that she could press her thigh against his.

"I think you've waited long enough," she said softly and took his hand again. "I think we've waited long enough."

Castle turned and tilted his head, trying to decide if this was what she really wanted. "Are you sure?"

"I'm sure."

He kissed her quickly, lips firmly pressed against her smiling face, and then he was pulling away before she could respond.

"I love you."

The words were spoken simultaneously and Kate chuckled, truly happy for the first time in, what seemed like years. Her eyes drifted from his face to his forgotten laptop and her curiosity got the best of her. She was lifting the lid before he could think to stop her.

"What were you working on, Nikki?" She asked him, always the fan girl, but never willing to admit it. She wanted to know what was happening to their counter parts.

Castle covered her hand with his, hovering, unsure if he wanted her to see what he had been working on. "Not exactly," he told her honestly and Kate pulled away, waiting for him to decide. It was more than Heat, it was something else. Kate wanted to remind him that in order for them to work they needed to communicate, but didn't want to jump to conclusions. She'd also feel like a hypocrite. It's not like she was a professional communicator now.

"It's us, or rather, you," he said finally, softly, and opened the laptop completely to bring it out of hibernation. Kate stared at the open Word document, but what she saw wasn't a novel, or even an outline of one. It was a list of sorts. Numerical subjects, with paragraphs of context.

"What's 'me'?"

She didn't understand.

She needed to understand.

Castle muttered something about detectives, and she'd figure it out anyway, before he lifted his arm to drape it across her shoulders, pulling her into him.

"After I heard your confession, after I realized that you'd known this whole time that I love you, I was hurt and let my mind run away from me. My first reaction after that was anger. I was so angry with you for dragging me along. I thought that you were embarrassed because you didn't feel the same. And then I realized that it wasn't your fault you didn't love me back—"

"But I do—"

"I know that now. I let my mind wander, it tainted every memory I had with you. I convinced myself that I'd been seeing what I wanted to see. I convinced myself that I was reading into every look, every dinner at Remy's. I felt like a fool. I told my mother…."

Kate groaned, because if he told Martha, she was going to have even more things to make up for. Castle paused long enough to grin at her before continuing. "And she told me to move on. She was surprised when I said I wasn't going to leave the precinct just because you'd been lying to me all this time." Kate winced and he forged on. "I was determined to turn my love off like a switch.

Mother was doubtful that I could do it."

Kate snorted at his tone, obviously an understatement.

"She was right. It didn't work. So I tried instead to push you away. Maybe even get you to kick me out. I didn't like not working with you on this last case, leaving you with Mr. Scotland Yard, but it had been of my own doing. I saw how upset you were with me. I saw how hurt you were, but let my own emotions blind me to your feelings. Then I got to thinking, there was no way I could have imagined everything. There was no way you would be so unhappy with me if you didn't care for me."

He paused and then used his free hand to scroll up to the beginning of the document.

"I started compiling all of my evidence to showcase your feelings or lack-there-of for me."

"Feelings," Kate reassured quietly, her eyes scanning the words he had written. She read something about swings and walls and a writer and his muse. She smiled at those obvious references and leaned into him further when she saw he'd written 'Beating the Odds' and underlined 'I Hope They Make It'.

Twice.

Kate couldn't stop the little chuckle when she'd noticed he'd added 'Actually Laughs at My Jokes Now' and rolled her eyes at his multiple question marks after 'Burgers at Remy's (dates?)'. They had been dating, she hadn't really wanted to push, but she enjoyed spending time with him away from the precinct. Without really realizing it, Kate had been asking Castle out on dates. They just hadn't gotten to any of the really fun stuff yet.

She went still when her eyes locked on a topic he had simply entitled 'Bank'. She knew exactly what he was referring to. It was obvious. It was also one of the worst days of her life. If she hadn't known just how much she loved Castle, that day had certainly cemented her feelings.

"That's as far as I got," Castle admitted with a shrug and Kate wondered if he'd let her read the paragraphs associated with each topic. She wanted to read his reactions to each moment; she wanted to know what he had been thinking at the time. Then again, maybe she could make her own list and give it to him to assure him that this was real. She wanted Castle to believe in her, and trust in her feelings. She wanted to tell him exactly what she was feeling, but she wasn't good at that. She wasn't good at broadcasting her emotions. So instead, she closed the laptop and stood, pulling at his arm to get him to follow her.

Castle was slow to rise, and Kate trembled when his body slid up the front of hers. "So Castle, what do you say, can I buy you a burger at Remy's?" Kate asked and bit her lip, staring into his sparkling eyes.

He seemed to be considering it and she leaned into his chest. Smiling, but serious, he stated his stipulations, "Only if I can get fries and a shake with it."

Her grin widened. "Deal." Like she'd ever go to Remy's and not get a strawberry shake. Castle chuckled and reached over to grab his coat, slipping it on easily before he grabbed his laptop. When he was ready, he turned in the direction of the exit and Kate slipped her hand into his. Surprised, but pleased, Castle glanced down at their entwined fingers and then over at her face.

"Just in case you were wondering Castle, and so there's no doubt later, this is a date."

And then she kissed him, just because she could.