Loss of a Mother, Loss of a Wife by RomaMarufixx

Part One - Beginnings

Fem!Merlin/Arthur

Characters belong to the BBC

Merlin was dressed in one of those, in her opinion, awful dresses that all the royal women had to wear, which was tight, most of all, on her breasts, hips and waist. Although that didn't matter at the moment, all that did was the smiling faces of the children that she was entertaining in the courtyard as well as their laughter. She threw yet another blue sphere into the air and watched as it burst into a hundred tiny blue sparkles and fell down onto them.

"Do another, please, your majesty." said one of the small group of children around her and all of the others nodded and voiced their agreement.

"Okay." she grinned and threw a third, and it repeated what the last two had just done but it still drew out the same joyful reaction from the children.

Arthur was in his chambers, reading through some of the things that had been brought up in council but the sound of laughter drew his attention to the window. As he glanced outside he could see where it was coming from and the reason for it, as Merlin and the children were smiling and laughing at the blue spheres that were exploding into tiny pieces above their heads.

It made Arthur smiled and a small laugh escaped him before it disappeared and he frowned.

Just over a year ago, Merlin and Arthur had married, just a few months after the announcement that magic was legal and Merlin had become his Court Sorceress just a month before she had become his Queen.

It was around the time of their first anniversary that Morgana had brought up the topic of children and it had caused an argument between everyone present, and had lead to Arthur shouting that he didn't want children, even though he knew that he would need to leave an heir for Camelot, but the thing that shocked everyone the most was that he had not told Merlin this and she found out at the same time as everyone else.

After that night, he seemed to see less of Merlin, she only spoke to him in short sentences and only really when he spoke to her or she needed to speak to him about something. She seemed to spend a lot of her time with the servant's children and Arthur could only guess that it was because of her want for children that Arthur didn't want.

The truth was Arthur did actually want children, but due to the fact that he had lost his mother in childbirth, he was afraid that he would lose Merlin the same way, of course he knew that the circumstances were much different, with his mother having only conceived through magic whereas Merlin could probably conceive naturally, but Arthur's fear conquered his common sense, he could not lose his Merlin.

It was around midnight, maybe even early in the morning when Merlin returned had returned to her and Arthur's chambers, she had managed to open and close the door without making a sound or tripping over anything, which was very unlike her. She had just taken her shoes off when Arthur came up behind her.

"Merlin?"

"Arthur!" She jumped and spun around so fast that her neck hurt. "You scared me! I thought you would be asleep."

"I was waiting up for you, where have you been?" he asked, slightly irritated but he tried not to show it.

"Just out."

"At the tavern again?" he teased and she scoffed at the joke. She muttered something under her breath as she took off her cloak and tried to undo her corset by herself.

"What?"

"I said I was at Anna and Erec's house." she said and the names struck a bell. Erec was a knight of Camelot, and just under two years ago he had married a young noble lady called Anna and the two had recently had a daughter, which could be the reason why Merlin was spending her nights at their home. Arthur sighed before following Merlin to their bed.

She had managed to get her corset off and once her arms were out of the dress, she let it drop to the floor, leaving her in her under dress which she decided that she going to sleep in and got into bed as Arthur did the same.

Merlin turned so that her back was to Arthur, so he brought himself close behind her and moved her hair to the side so that he was able to kiss her neck.

"Merlin?" he said and when she said nothing, he continued. "I know that you're upset, my love, please, can we talk?" Arthur felt her try and move so he backed up to give her the room that she needed to turn around and when she did he could see the tears that were welling up in her eyes and he cupped her cheek and rubbed it as she began to cry.

"Merlin…"

"I went over to their home to see their baby daughter, Alysa, and every time that I see her I feel a warmth inside and then it turns to ice when I realise that she is not mine."

"Merlin, I know you want a child."

"But you don't." she sobbed.

"I do."

"But, you said-" Merlin began to say, very confused.

"I didn't mean it, I'm just worried...about losing you like I lost my mother."

"Oh Arthur, it won't be like that, Ygraine died because-"

"I know, I just couldn't bare living without you."

"Oh, Arthur," she said and moved so that she could cup one of his cheeks to prevent him from looking away from her. "You won't get rid of me that easily, I'm like a splinter, once I'm here, it is hell to get me to go away." she said and they both laughed.

Arthur moved forward and caught her lips in a slow and passionate kiss and when they broke apart, Merlin pushed Arthur onto his back before climbing on top of him and continuing the kiss. Merlin moved backwards slightly so their lower bodies pressed against each other causing them both to moan.

"Oh, gods, Arthur, it's been too long." she moaned and she pulled the nightdress over her head and threw it onto the floor. Arthur grabbed hold of her slim waist and dragged his eyes across her body before moving one hand up to cup her breast, making her squeal out in pleasure and delight and her head rolled backwards when he began rubbing his thumb across her sensitive nipple.

"I think we should make a start on that baby, don't you?" Arthur's voice was dark with lust which made Merlin moan and she nodded and pushed Arthur down on the bed claiming his lips again, her hands grabbing the bottom of his night shirt to pull it over his head.

"Arthur, it's a beautiful day, you really can't expect me to stay in this dingy chamber can you?" Merlin begged her husband as he was getting ready to train with his knights.

"Dingy chamber?" Arthur asked offended and Merlin glared at him which only made him snigger. "Merlin, yesterday when you were outside in the heat, you fainted and I am not going to let that happen again."

"But-"

"And then there's the fact that you threw up this morning, twice, one time in my boots."

"That chicken last night was not cooked properly, it tasted off and I'm sorry, that was the closest thing I could find to throw up in this morning."

"The chicken was fine Merlin, I had it as well."

"Yeah, well, you would eat anything." She said and Arthur rolled his eyes before turning around and placing a kiss on his wife's forehead.

"I'll be back in a few hours and during that time I expect you to go and see Gaius, maybe he knows what has made you feel ill all of a sudden, I'll see you later." he said as he left.

"Whatever." she huffed and got back into bed.

It took her another half an hour to will herself to get out of bed and get dressed before making her way to Gaius' chambers, where she knocked twice on the door before letting herself in.

"Gaius?" she called out and then noticed him stood at a workbench filling up a small vial with an orange coloured liquid, but placed it in a holder when he saw who was stood at his door.

"Merlin, my girl, what can I do for you?"

"Arthur told me to come and visit you, I haven't been very well."

"What is the matter?"

"Well, as far as Arthur knows, I fainted yesterday and threw up this morning but to be honestly, for the past few weeks or so I've just felt so sick, tired and dizzy."

"Yes, I recall you passing out in the courtyard." Gaius said and Merlin blushed as she recalled the fainting, just by the training fields, in the presence of not only Gaius and her husband but all of the knights. "Well, let's find out what's the problem." Gaius said and after an hour of him taking sample after sample from her, he had found out the cause of her illness.

"I have it."

"What is it Gaius? What is wrong with me?" she asked, worrying from the stool that she was sat on.

"Nothing is wrong Merlin."

"What do you mean?"

"You're pregnant." Pregnant.

Merlin made a high pitched noise before jumping off of the stool and throwing herself at Gaius for a hug and they both laughed.

"Congratulations Merlin."

"Thank you, Gaius, do you know how far along I am?" she asked curiously.

"I would guess at around a month, that's when the nausea begins."

"What other symptoms do I have to look forward to then?" she asked and the two of them talked for hours as Gaius explain to her as much as he knew about pregnancy and showed her several books on the subject and he told her that her symptoms would stay the same for another month before she would experience mood swings and even more fatigue.

He also reminded her that there was still a high risk of miscarriage up until the fourth month, so that she should keep her pregnancy on the down low, but of course she had to tell Arthur.

Gaius had told her that the morning sickness she had would continue, but die down around the second or third month, but could come back at any point during the pregnancy and that it was healthy for her to gain a bit of weight every week, but she didn't care about the weight gain, all she cared about was the fact that she was going to have a baby, that she was going to be a mother.

"Could you send a letter to my mother, asking her to come to Camelot, I would love to have her here during my pregnancy."

"Of course, my girl, now go tell the King of the good news and I'll have to see how you're doing next month." She hugged her uncle once more before leaving to go and see Arthur.