"Strangers from distant lands, friends of old, you have been summoned here to answer the threat of Mordor. Middle Earth stands upon the brink of destruction-"
"You're too right, Elrond! Something must be done!" interrupted Aragorn.
Elrond raised one of his epic eyebrows. "Excuse me?"
"Aren't you talking about the awful threat that has risen to power from the most dangerous place any of us have ever been? The internet?" Aragorn asked importantly, holding up his laptop.
"What is an inter-net? A trap of some sort?" Elrond gazed at Aragorn's laptop in wonder.
"Hold on, there is some kind of threat from the internet? What is it?" Boromir asked. "Let me see it!"
"Well, what are we waiting for?" Gimli growled, brandishing his axe in the direction of Aragorn's computer.
Aragorn yelped and scooted back in his chair to avoid the dwarf's weapon. "Killing my brand new computer won't solve anything! The evil has been uploaded to YouTube! There is no stopping it now!"
Legolas sighed dramatically. "Well than why in Arda are you bringing it up? We could be doing something useful with our time, like getting pedicures, or manicures, or spa treatments, or-"
"I would not be so hasty in forsaking Aragorn's warnings, Legolas. What he speaks of is a terrible lie that some sort of adolescent fangirl pulled from the terrifying shallows of her creativity!" Gandalf moaned.
"My lady!" Figwit gasped to nobody in particular.
"Fangirls?" Legolas squeaked in a horrified, terrified, the-psyco-who-strangles-puppies-is-coming-after-me sort of way.
"It's so horrible, it made Sauron cry for his mother!" Aragorn shuddered.
"No!" Frodo cried. "What is this monstrosity?"
Aragorn rubbed his manly stubble thoughtfully. "Think of the most horrible thing you can think of. Now multiply it by six!... no, seven! No, Eight! Yes, eight!"
Sam and Frodo clutched each other and fainted dead, while Merry and Pippin ran out of Imladris like there someone had lit a fire under their tails…er… yeah, tails. Gimli shrieked like a little girl. Elrond's eyebrows were lost in his hairline. Legalos adopted a Sad Puss in Boots expression, putting his hands over his mouth.
"Say it isn't so!" he whispered.
"Yes, eight! I think it is best if you show them what they are up against, Aragorn." Gandalf mused.
"You're right, Gandalf. Gather round everyone!" Aragorn called, opening the internet on his laptop and typing in the youtube address.
Elrond, Legalos, Gimli, Boromir, Figwit, and all the other unnamed humanoids bunched together around Aragorn, eyes glued to the screen.
"Dwarf! You're on my foot!" Boromir hissed.
Gimli growled like a dog. "You can stick my foot right up your-"
"My lady, you're loud!" Figwit complained.
"Children, shut up! It's starting!" Elrond shushed them.
Aragorn's computer speakers trumpeted an important-sounding tune for precisely eight seconds while the title and producer were named.
"Legalos by Laura," Legalos read. "I don't like the sound of this…"
A cheery background tune played quietly while a man's voice read from what appeared to be the scribbles of a deranged toddler.
"Legolas was riding along the woods and one day he found a baby whaped in colth so he got off his horse and went to the baby and then Legolas said"who left you here little one"and then the just baby cryed and then Legolas pick her up and hold her and then the baby stoped crying and then Legolas said"your name is going be Laura"and then Legolas and the baby went onto the horse and went back to the castle where he said"father mother I found this little baby in the woods and then Legolas mother got up and walked down and said"how can people put baby in the woodsand to die".Then Legolas father said"we are going to keep her"and then Legolas was happy for someriseing.
Aragorn paused the video. "Do you see what I'm talking about?"
"How is it possible to have so many grammar and spelling mistakes in one…two… three sentences?" Boromir asked faintly.
Legalos turned an odd shade of green, too stunned to say anything (actually, this is an understatement. A rhino who had just been shot with six stun shots would be more eloquent than our dear elf was at that moment).
"And there's more?" Gimli asked incredulously.
"Quite a bit more," Aragorn muttered, clicking the play button.
"Should someone help those two?" asked Figwit, pointing to the unconscious hobbits on the ground.
"Nah, just leave them there. The janitor will sweep them up with the other trash after the council," Elrond assured him.
"10 Years Later
Legolas got up and went into Laura's room and said"good moring"and then Laura said "good moring too".Then Legolas said"whats a matter"and then Laura said"Legolas I want to know how to ride a horse".Then Legolas said"Ok"and then Legolas said"first you get dresses and have something to eat and then we will go for a horse ride lesson".Mean while Strider and Gandalf was rideing towards where Legolas lived and then Strider said"Gandalf I did not know Legolas had a sister"and then Gandalf said"I did not know aswell".Mean While at Mondor the dark lord was planing to kidnap the princess but not the boss of the Orcs came and said"I'll get her for you sir"and then the Dark lord said"yes you can".
"'Yes, you can!' Really? Really?" Boromir growled, shaking his head angrily.
"My lady! I think I'm going to faint!" Figwit gasped, laying a hand on his chest.
"What kind of imbecile would write such nonsense?" Elrond demanded.
"Where in Middle Earth is Mondor?" Gimli asked, confused.
"Aswell… Ass swell? What?" cried Legalos, breaking out of his speechlessness to puzzle over the astonishing awfulness of the video.
"Come now, let's get this over with! Stop pausing it!" Gandalf demanded.
Aragorn mentally braced himself and started the clip again.
"Mean while Legolas and Laura was horseriding and then Laura said"Legolas whos that"and then Legolas looked and it was Gandalf and said"that is Gandalf and Strdier"and then Strider said"Legolas"and then Legolas said"Strider long time seen" and then Strider said"hows you"and then Legolas said"I am fine"and then Gandalf said"whos this then"and then Legolas said"meet Laura I found her in the woods when she was just a baby".Laura was shy at first and then Legolas said"Laura come and meet Strider and Gandalf"and then Laura said"hello I am Laura".Legolas said"she is the princess"and then Strider said"she is so cute"and then Legolas said"that will be my falut"and then Gandalf said"why"and then Laura said"he protects me thats why"and then Legolas looked up and said"I think we should go back to the castle"and then Laura said"I can feel it too".
"What? What did they look at?" Gimli yelled, still confused.
"Strdier! I didn't know you went by that name, Aragorn!" Elrond teased.
"Don't make this any harder than it is!" Aragorn shouted.
"It's my falut… that she is cute… because I protect her? From what?" Legalos cried, fighting the urge to scream, run away, or faint. "And what in the name of the Valar is a falut?"
"How can she be the princess? She wasn't born into the family!" Boromir criticized.
Gandalf impatiently reached past Aragorn and started the video yet again. "Just let it run! We don't want to have to watch this any longer than we have to!"
Legolas said"do you want to stay for a night"and then Gandalf and Strider said"yes please"and then they had tea and went to the night Legolas ask the gards to keep an eye on Laura's while the Orcs climed up the window and grabed Laura and then Laura woke up and screamed and then the gard went into her room and saw lots of Orcs and then Legolas ran down the Legolas said"where is Laura"and then the gards said"the Orcs took her".
The video stopped to buffer, which was met with groans.
"So… the guards just stand there and let her get kidnapped by the orcs?" One of the unnamed elves furrowed his brow as the video loaded.
"These guards are my favorite characters," Gimli grinned. "If she was killed by the orcs, it would solve so many problems!"
"Not guards, Gimli. Gards. You have to say it like a pirate! Gaaaaaaards!" corrected Gandalf.
"They had tea and went to bed? Who gave them permission to stay in Imladris?" Elrond glared at the computer.
"How do you grabe someone?" Boromir puzzled. He was answered by several shushes as the video started again.
Mean while the Orcs was back at Mondor and then Laura said"put me down"and then the Orcs did and then the Dark lord came out of the fire and said"welcome Laura and then Laura looked at him and said"no it can't be"and then she tried to run away but the Orcs got the Dark lord said"put her into the cell and bet her and also do what ever you want with her but do not kill her".Then the Orcs took her to the cell and trow her into the cell and then they shut the go up and went to the window and looked out and she was wishing that Legolas or someone will save while back at the castle of Milkwood
"Milkwood? She doesn't mean Mirkwood, does she?" Legalos sqeaked, the green pallor returning. "I don't think I can endure much more of this…"
"I think she does, laddie," Gimli sighed, feeling too sorry for the elf to call him a pointy-eared nancypants. The poor elf was one of the main characters in the story, after all.
Legolas was getting the army ready to go and save while Laura was sitting on the floor and then the door opened and it was some Orcs and the Orcs tied Laura with some chains and then one of the Orcs striped her
"Striped her… using paint?" Figwit wondered.
and then he raped her and then Laura said"go away you bastard".Then another Orc came with a whip and whiped her hard
"Whiped her, with a towel? Was she wet?" asked Legolas.
"It's funny how she spells the swear words correctly," muttered Boromir.
"I don't think I like where this is going… my Lady, this is worse than that time I ran out of Herbal Essance and had to use Suave!" Figwit shuddered, trying to sneak off. Unfortunately for him, Elrond the ever-vigilant noticed and shot laser beams out of his eyes to stop him. With a slightly smoking robe, Figwit slumped back down in his chair.
and then the Orcs all togeter bet her almost to death
"Why did they stop at almost?" Boromir grumbled sullenly.
and then the Dark Lord came in with a tube of Posion and then he injeted into Laura.
All the assorted humanoids gathered around the computer burst out laughing.
"Posion? Posion? Is she serious?" Gimli guffawed.
"If she wasn't, do you think she would have written this?" Legalos sighed.
"Cheer up, Legolas! Maybe the posion will get rid of her for good!" offered Boromir.
Aragorn scoffed. "Yes, and perhaps Twilight Sparkle will fall out of the sky and offer to lead us to Ponyville. Be reasonable, Boromir! This is a Mary Sue we're talking about!"
Boromir stared up at the sky hopefully. Figwit coughed awkwardly, getting the feeling that he was missing something, causing the fantasizing brony to jump.
"It could happen," Boromir muttered, pretending not to notice that the entire council was staring at him.
Few hours later
Legolas and the others was on the way to Mondor to save princess while in the cell where Laura was been kept Laura woke up and she looked on her body there was blood and scars she only could move her right arm but not her Laura said"I feel so cold"and then she can't see very the frount gates of Mondor was Legolas and the others and then they said"let Laura go"and then the Dark lord said"no"and then Legolas said"right lesson I'll will clim up to the cell and get Laura and you and the others will find another way in.
"Lesson? Clim?" chuckled Gimli.
Then Strider said"alright" and then Legolas started to clim while Strider and the others ran into Mondor and went into the said"I'll will go and kill the Dark lord and you and the others go and help Legolas".Strdier said"becareful"and then Gandalf said"I will don't you worry about me".
"Oh, Gandalf, you're so heroic and self-sacrificing," Aragorn laughed.
Gandalf flipped him off. "You'd better becareful, Strdier, or this hero will self-sacrifice his staff right onto your face."
Needless to say, Aragorn piped down.
Mean while Legolas got to the cell where Laura said"Laura are you in there"and then Laura said"Oh Legolas you finally came"and then Legolas said"are you alright"and then Laura said"no I am not alright"and then Legolas said"they bet you up and raped you also the Dark lord gave you the posion"and then Laura said"how did you know that".Then Legolas said"when I was your age they did the samething to me".
The video buffered. Crickets sang.
Elrond cleared his throat. "Legalos…. Is there anything you want to tell us?"
The poor blonde opened and closed his mouth a few times (not unlike a goldfish) before spluttering out that the events in the story were completely and utterly fabricated, and obviously the demented scribbling of a disturbed and insane girl, and didn't the council members know that he had a completely normal upbringing when he was as young as Laura?
"Is it just me, or is he protesting too much?" Boromir muttered to Gimli.
Then Laura said"can you get me out of here"and then Legolas said"ok stand back"and then he ran back and ran towards the door and knock it down.
Laura said"wow"and then Legolas looked and saw she was coved in Blood and scars also she was naked"- a chorus of catcalls sounded, much to the dismay of a blushing Legalos- and then Legolas said"why they did it to you not me"and then the Orcs came and said"because she got a power and she can distoy us all the bad guys".
"Distoy?" squeaked the poor elf.
Then the fright began
"They make it sound like a bad horror movie," Boromir muttered.
Legolas got out his bow and arrows andstarted fireing at Legolas saw some swords and said"Strider is that you"and then Strider said"yes it is"and then Legolas and the others started to kill the while Gandalf is have a fun time trying to distory the Dark said"I wish Frodo and Merry and Pippen and Sam was here"and then a sword came out of nowhere and said"some wished us here"and then Gandalf turned and said"Frodo baggins why you doing here".Then Frodo said"we came to help you and also we got rid of the ring"and then the Dark Lord said"oh no"and then the magical powers from Gandalf distoryed the Dark lord.
"WOO! Go Gandalf! You destroyed the Dark Lord!" The crowd of assorted humanoids cheered.
"He didn't destroy the Dark Lord, he distoryed him!" Aragorn corrected.
Mean while Legolas and Strider and the others was helping Laura down and Strider took off his cape and put it around Laura.
"What? I would never abandon my cape for such a silly purpose!" Aragorn protested.
"Hey, be glad you're not Strdier any more," grumbled Legolas.
FEW HOURS LATER
Legolas and the others are on the way back to the said"we must go to Rivendell to get Laura better".Then Gandalf said"I think you are right"and then they turned around and went to looked down on Laura and put his hand onto Laura's head and she was bruning went aside of Legolas horse and looked and said"she is getting wose"and then Legolas said"I know".
"Please, just throw her off a cliff," groaned Elrond. "I would never allow such a creature in Rivendell, no matter how sick she was!"
"Not even if she was bruning up?" snickered Boromir.
Elrond shot a laser beam at the obnoxious human, ignoring the yelp of alarm and the smell of more burning cloth.
FEW HOURS LATER
They were at Rivendell and Legolas stayed at Laura's side everyday intill she wakes up and then Legolas kissed Laura on her lips
Another round of catcalls sounded, causing Legolas to turn a funny shade of tomato red.
and then she moved her arms around Legolas and then Legolas said"all you alright"and then Laura said"yes I am".Legolas said"I am soo happy"and then Laura said"Do you want to be my boyfriend"and then Legolas said"yes I will be your boyfriend"and then Laura and Legolas kissed again.
The elf's blush deepened into a purplish eggplant color.
"That's not very healthy looking," Figwit told him.
"Yes, well, neither is agreeing to be a ten-year-old's girlfriend," snorted Elrond.
Boromir gasped loudly, pointing a shaking hand at Legolas. "P-p-p-p-PEDOBEAR!"
Legolas yelped, jumping up from his seat. "I most certainly am NOT a pedobear! This was all in Laura's head! It's just a story! Completely made up! I would never even come within ten leagues of Laura! And I would absolutely not ever in a million years think of kissing a ten-year-old!"
"He's protesting too much again," Aragorn muttered.
Laura said"what happened to me Legolas"and then Legolas said"you got kidnaped by the Orcs and they raped you and also bet you almost to death and then the Dark lord gave you some posion"and then Laura said"why I can only move on arm"and then Legolas said"your left arm is broken".Then the door opened and it was Strider and then Laura said"Hello Strider"and then Strider said"I see you are awake"and then Laura
The video ended.
"THANK THE VALAR!" Legolas shouted, slumping back down in his chair.
"That's it? That's the end?" Gimli demanded.
"What, are you hoping there's more?" snickered Figwit.
The various humanoids spoke amongst themselves, shocked at the video.
"Gentlemen, please! Ahem! Excuse me? Oh, for Eru's sake… SHUT UP, YOU GOSSIPY TOADS!" Aragorn screamed, silencing every sound within a three-league radius of Imladris.
"Did he just call us toads?" asked Gimli.
"Gossipy toads, actually," Gandalf corrected him.
Aragorn shot them the Stink Eye. "All right. Now that we've all seen the full extent of this horrible threat, we must think of a plan to distory… I mean, DESTROY Laura. Any suggestions?"
"I could axe the computer in two. Would that get rid of the story?" Gimli asked, hefting his axe with an evil look.
"No! I love my laptop too much to let you kill him! My precious Eldarion… you know, if I ever have a son, I'm going to name him after this wonderful invention." Aragorn petted his computer lovingly, unaware of the odd looks the rest of the Council was giving him. "Besides, killing my computer wouldn't lead to the destruction of the entire story."
"Ooooookay then. How about if we slingshot Laura into Mount Doom?" Boromir suggested eagerly.
"Not a bad idea, if you can find a slingshot big enough to sling her that far, and someone who can use a slingshot with enough accuracy to actually land her in Mount Doom and not, say, somewhere on the slopes of Caradhras," Gandalf snorted.
"It could work," the Gondorian muttered sulkily.
"What if we changed the story?" Frodo asked from the floor.
"You picked a fine place to wake up, Master Hobbit! The life-threatening part is already over!" Gimli complained.
Aragorn stroked his manly stubble thoughtfully, ignoring the dwarf. "How would we do that?"
"Well, we could hack into Laura's account and change the story. It's pretty simple," Frodo said with a shrug.
Everyone looked at Gandalf.
"Well… I suppose that could work," the Istari answered slowly. "But can anyone here hack?"
" I think that I have skill enough to cover that," smirked Elrond, pulling out a pair of dark, square sunglasses and putting them on.
Borrowing Eldarion, the elf fiddled and typed for a full ten minutes before Gimli snatched the computer away.
"We don't have all day to dilly-dally around with the fine details!" the dwarf growled, then began to read the all-new Legolas by Laura:
One day Legolas was riding in the woods, but he didn't stay there for long. He had heard rumors of a terrible being named Laura lurking around, and there was no way he was going to be caught by it.
While Legolas was safe at home in the MIRKWOOD palace, someone else came across the baby. He was wearing silly-looking oval sunglasses and a long cotton trenchcoat, and he looked utterly ridiculous.
"What the hell?" Neo asked in a monotone, his face completely expressionless as he stared down at her. Ignorant of the dark aura that emanated from the child, he picked her up and did his showoff superman impersonation back to the city.
Ten years later, Agent Smith had taken over both the Matrix and the Real World, killing Laura and Neo with a huge amount of satisfaction, and he lived happily ever after with the thousands of copies of himself. The end.
"Well, I guess it's better than the original," Frodo muttered.
"You bet your bacon it is," Elrond sneered.
And so, Laura was destroyed by the power of Agent Elrond.
The end.