Title: "Not Their Usual Morning Routine" ~ written for the All Dialogue Challenge
Genre: Character Study
Characters: Jimmy Palmer, Leroy Jethro Gibbs, Dr. Donald "Ducky" Mallard, Abby Scuito, Tony DiNozzo, Tim McGee, Ziva David
Rating: FR13
Spoilers: None
Series: Not Their Usual…

Not Their Usual Morning Routine

"I don't ever want to do this again."

"I know."

"Next time – next time, I don't want to have to bluff."

"Uh, good – good morning, Gibbs. Oh, you did bring coffee!"

"Yep. This time."

"Note to self – pick up coffee tomorrow. Got it."

"I admit, I was wondering if I'd see you here."

"I said I didn't want to have to bluff next time. Not that I want there to be a next time or anything, but –"

"You don't have to justify yourself to me, Palmer. But if you're going to pick up a gun and go charging off with Ducky the next time we get into trouble, you're damn well going to know how to use it."

"So you're – you're not mad that Dr. Mallard and I came after you guys?"

"Do I look mad, Palmer?"

"Er… yes, actually."

"Then don't ask stupid questions. Here, put that down and take this. Safety's on."

"Er… is this a .22?"

"Good eye."

"That's what Dr. Mallard gave me yesterday. He said if I had to shoot anyone… he wanted me with the smaller gun, in case I, uh, hit one of you guys."

"Glad to know some thought went into that crazy scheme of his."

"It wasn't that crazy. It worked, didn't it?"

"You got lucky."

"… I know."

"We'll start you small for now. Once you've got some accuracy, we'll move you up to a 9-mil."

"Um… I think I'd rather stick with the .22."

"Why?"

"Well, for one, I've seen the damage that larger-caliber bullets can cause. I don't actually want to kill anyone if I can help it. Anyone else, I mean."

"Hmmph. And?"

"Er… and if there's ever a situation where I'd need something more than a .22, I'm already screwed?"

"Ha! You're learning already, Palmer. Now, did Ducky show you how to load it, or did he do it for you?"

"Um, he did it."

"Then that's our first lesson."

"Good morning, Gibbs."

"Morning, Palmer. Where'd you get the coffee?"

"That little shop on M and 9th. Tony told me you like their coffee. He also told me about Rule 23, so I asked the girl at the counter how you usually order it. Did you know they have your picture taped behind the counter so all the new employees will get your order right?"

"Attention to detail is very important. Which brings me to our next lesson – proper cleaning and maintenance."

"I wondered why you had so many guns laid out here."

"Practice makes perfect. Now, first step…"

"So, I think I've finally convinced him that I'm serious about learning how to shoot. He's seen me handle unloaded guns, he's seen me load them… I must have cleaned a dozen different guns yesterday. I think he's been trying to give me a chance to back out, but… I need to do this. It took me three shots to get that guy. One in three isn't bad in baseball, but it pretty much sucks when your life is in danger. Well, I guess you already know that, don't you, Petty Officer Brown? Or you did. Maybe I'm spending too much time around Dr. Mallard. Oh, well. Let's put you in drawer 102 tonight, and we'll be back tomorrow morning for your autopsy."

"What did you bring me out here for, Tony?"

"Shh, just listen. You can hear them from here if you're quiet…"

"It's called 'hand-eye coordination,' Palmer! Ever hear of it?"

"I never played sports! I'm sorry!"

"Never apologize, it's –"

"I know, I know!"

"Did you hear that?"

"What, that Palmer did not play sports? Why is that a surprise?"

"No, Zee-vah! Palmer snapping at Gibbs! The Gremlin's grown a pair lately, hasn't he?"

"I'm not sure what takes more courage – charging into a hostage situation with no training, or showing up at the firing range with Gibbs every day for a week after charging into a hostage situation with no training."

"Give me your phone."

"Look, I'm sorry. I forgot to turn it off –"

"Don't care. Give me your phone."

"It's not like I answered it –"

"Your phone, Palmer!"

"… Okay."

"And your hat."

"What?"

"Your ears bothering you, Palmer?"

"Um, no? Okay, okay… Tony told me about when you did this to him and Kate."

"So why do you think I'm doing it now?"

"Well, you've taped my hat to the target's head, and my phone to its heart… So you don't want me to kill him?"

"You said yourself, you don't want to kill anyone if you can help it."

"But you've been teaching me to aim for the torso because it's an easier target."

"That's right."

"And it's going to be even harder with a moving target… This is a trick, isn't it."

"How's that?"

"I'm going to aim for the arms or legs, and I'm still going to shoot my hat or my phone. And that's with the target standing still."

"And that tells you…"

"… That aiming for non-vital targets is a waste of ammunition."

"Not to mention, if you shoot his leg, he can still shoot at you. – Listen to me, Palmer. If you've got a gun in your hand – if it's got to that point – then shoot to kill. If you don't want to kill someone –"

"– Then I shouldn't have the gun in my hand."

"Right."

"Huh… So does this mean I can have my phone and hat back?"

"Hey, McGee."

"Palmer, what's up?"

"Gibbs told me to see you. He said you could fix my phone."

"I'm a federal agent, Jimmy, not a miracle worker."

"Jethro, could I have a word, please?"

"What's on your mind, Duck?"

"When Mr. Palmer first started coming in late in the mornings, I let it slide because I knew he was at the firing range with you. But it's been almost three weeks now! If the lad can't hit a paper target by now –"

"Never said he couldn't."

"Then why on earth – yes, regular practice is the key to honing any newly acquired skill, but every day?"

"He's setting the schedule now, Ducky, not me."

"Setting the schedule, perhaps, but… Tell me, Jethro, is there any truth to the rumor that you're taking Mr. Palmer through one of the advanced courses this weekend?"

"Yep. You want to come? It took you two shots to get your man, Duck. You're slipping."

"No, I do not want to spend my weekend shooting a gun! I've had quite enough of that in my lifetime, thank you!"

"Was that 'thank you' or 'thanks to you?'"

"Just don't abuse him too much this weekend."

"He'll be fine, Ducky. – Okay, I promise to bring him back in one piece."

"I suppose I'll take what assurances I can get."

"Hey, Abby, I came to pick up the tox screen results for Lieutenant Parish. Abby? I – oh. Uh, so would you talk to me long enough to tell me why you're not talking to me? Please? Oh. You heard, didn't you. Look, it was just – I did not shoot Tony! I shot his picture! And it was an accident!... What do you mean, 'doesn't make him less dead?' He's not dead! Trust me, I should know… Um, okay. If I say I'm sorry… Please?"

"Give him his results, Abs, we don't have time to waste."

"But, Gibbs! He killed Tony! He shot him in the head!"

"Well, at least Tony didn't suffer. Now, what do you have for me?"

"Okay, okay… So here's what I pulled off that knife…"

"I've got those results from Abby, Dr. Mallard."

"Ah, yes, thank you, Mr. Palmer. If you'll just set it over on the desk, I'll have a look in just a minute. I'm afraid I've got an ulcerated stomach."

"Oh, I'm sorry. Do you need to go home? Or to a hospital? I could –"

"Oh, no, Mr. Palmer, not me! Him!"

"Oh, of course. Sorry. Ooh, that is bad…"

"Yes. Rather more than just what stress can account for, unless there was far more going on in his life than his wife is telling. – Oh, don't trouble yourself, Mr. Palmer. I can put him away all on my own… Now, where are those toxicology reports?"

"Right here, Dr. Mallard."

"Thank you. Did you have any trouble getting them from Abigail? She's a very open and honest individual; wears her heart on her sleeve, one might say."

"I kind of think she wanted my heart on a platter."

"She'll get over it, Mr. Palmer. Eventually. You know, she reminds me of a lass I knew in London…"

"Hey, Palmer, what's going on?"

"Huh? Oh, nothing, just cleaning pipettes. Seems like all I do these days."

"Not all, from what I hear."

"Um…"

"Look, I'm not Abby. So you shot me in the face. So what?"

"I didn't mean to, it was all just going so fast –"

"Yeah, I know. I shot two civilians my first time through."

"Did you? Really?"

"No, I just wanted to make you feel better."

"Gee, thanks."

"Okay, seriously, Palmer. What is going on?"

"What do you mean?"

"Learning how to shoot, that I get. But running the advanced courses – with Gibbs, even! Don't you think you're taking this a little too far?"

"That's easy for you to say, Tony. You already know all this stuff."

"Because it's my job to know it, Gremlin! Your job is to move dead bodies around and then figure out why they're dead. Learning how to shoot for self-defense is fine, but you're already past that. I mean, you gonna ask Gibbs for sniper lessons next?"

"I've thought about it."

"What? Why?"

"I told you, you already know all this stuff. If someone takes the people you care about hostage, you go get them back. You don't know what it's like to not be able to do anything to help."

"Neither do you, apparently, since you didn't let that stop you from grabbing a gun and following Ducky. He's already had some experience with guns, but you –!"

"I know! But there were two of them, and there was no way that Dr. Mallard could get them both before one of them got him! He needed help, and I was the only one he could ask!"

"Yeah, but… you know the odds of something like that happening again are pretty slim, right?"

"Yeah? What are the odds of catching the plague, Tony?"

"Sure, thwart my logical argument with more logic. Jimmy, look, I'm serious –"

"So am I! I couldn't just sit back and let Dr. Mallard go in alone. But I was almost more of a liability than an asset, because I didn't know what I was doing. I'm not going to let that happen again, Tony. I can't."

"All right. But guns aren't the answer to every problem, you know – even in our line of work."

"Yeah, but sometimes they are. And if that's the case, at least I'll know enough to not makes things worse."

"Hey, Boss, what's up?"

"McGee, I need you to track Palmer's cell phone."

"Track Palmer's cell? He didn't show up this morning?"

"No, and Ducky hasn't seen him, either."

"That's not like him… Uh oh."

"Define 'uh oh,' McGee."

"He's at the coffee shop on 9th and M."

"And…?"

"Boss, his last call was to 9-1-1, just a few minutes ago. Boss? Hello?"

"Ladies, I'm Special Agent DiNozzo, and this is Special Agent McGee. Can you tell us what happened?"

"Well, I was just waiting in line, you know, just getting some coffee before work, and this guy comes running in with a gun and demands everyone's money! And then this complete idiot tried to grab the gun away from him, and they fought over it, and then the idiot gets himself shot! Like, what did he think was gonna happen?"

"Sheryl, the kid was just trying to help."

"Well, he could have gotten the rest of us killed, Sylvie! I thought we were all gonna die right there. The guy was so mad, he was waving his gun around and yelling at us. I'm surprised he didn't shoot anyone else."

"Then what happened, ma'am?"

"Then this other guy – he tells the guy with the gun that the idiot is going to bleed to death if he doesn't get help. He told the guy to calm down, it was already bad enough, he didn't need a murder charge on top of everything else. He was a med student – he said he was, anyway – so the guy let him help the kid. You know, help to stop the bleeding, anyway. Not much else you can do when you're being held up in a coffee shop, of all places!"

"So what happened next?"

"Well, the guy was still waving his gun around, but at least now he had it pointed up instead of right at us. He made all of us put our wallets and jewelry in a bag, and then he ran out the door and bam! – right into that dark-haired lady!"

"He didn't run into her, Sheryl. He was running past her, and she grabbed his arm and flipped him on his head."

"Yeah, and then she did some kind of ninja move and got his gun and had it pointed at him. It was like, you blinked and you missed it, you know? And then she said she was a federal agent! Can you believe it? Man, if she would have been in line earlier, she'd have had him in handcuffs before he knew what hit him!"

"Ziver, you okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine. It is not how I thought I would start the day, but it was nothing."

"You know Palmer was in there?"

"No! Oh, don't tell me he's the one the ambulance just took away? The police officer told me someone was shot trying to disarm the robber –"

"It wasn't him."

"Good. I was afraid he might think to play the hero. Just because he can shoot a gun now –"

"No, I'm not that stupid."

"Jimmy? You are okay?"

"I'm fine. I wasn't much help, but at least I didn't get myself shot."

"Witnesses said you saved at least one life in there."

"Yeah, but Ziva's the one who stopped him."

"Yes, but I had surprise on my side. Well, surprise and krav maga training."

"And you had a room full of civilians, a pissed-off gunman, and a guy bleeding out on the floor. You kept your head, did what you could."

"And you did not do anything stupid, like charge an armed man."

"Well…"

"You did alright, Palmer."

"Yeah, I guess. Ow! I mean, yes, Gibbs."

"Ziva?"

"Yes, Jimmy?"

"Will you, ah… will you teach me how to fight?"

END