Fusion of Destinies: A Fistful of Buttload

A completely unnecessary look back at a Harry Potter/Metroid crossover

Part 7: Harry Potter and Samus Aran

7-29-2012

By Grey-X

Disclaimer: The Harry Potter series and all of its characters are the creation and property of J. K. Rowling. Samus Aran and the Metroid series are the creation and property of Nintendo, and was originally masterminded by Gunpei Yokoi (1941-1997).

BEWARE!: Contains spoilers for Fusion of Destinies and Fusion of Destinies II: Day of Reckoning! This is really just for folks who've read the series and want a good laugh.

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For the riveting conclusion of this assfest, this verbal joust doesn't take place within an empty white expanse of nothing, but one of Hogwarts's inner courtyards. In the courtyard stood both Harry Potter, in the garb of a junior Auror, and Samus Aran, in the basic, teal fusion suit, holding her helmet at her side. The sun was setting, and hardly any lingering rays filtered into the courtyard.

"Well, we knew it'd come to us eventually," said Harry tentatively, his anxious gaze sweeping the courtyard.

"I suppose we did," said Samus. "Although, I can't possibly fathom anyone would get something from watching US argue. We've been through too much together to be vehement about it."

"Yeah, both of us were orphaned by bloodthirsty wankers with annoying immunities to dying," said Harry.

"And years later, we became protégés to father figures that were partly responsible for the death of a sibling, and everyone writes them off as manipulative assholes," added Samus.

"Much to our chagrin," said Harry. "And both of us are famous in our respective media for NOT solving everything with a head-on assault and brute force, but having to search carefully for answers."

"And we have to deal with being seen as beacons of hope even if we don't want to be," grumbled Samus. "That, and legions of idiot fanboys."

"True, very true," said Harry. "Of course, yours are far dumber."

"Yes, well…" Samus's face fell, her eyes widening. "WHAT WAS THAT?"

"Well, it's not just the idiotic backlash to Other M. ALL of your games in the last decade had the most idiotic criticisms lobbed at them," explained Harry. "Corruption? Oh no, it's too much like a straightforward shooter now…even though you use a SHIP to travel back and forth between different PLANETS. Echoes? Oh no, multiplayer with ruin the series forever…even though it's an OPTIONAL EXTRA. Prime? Oh no, some American studio making it a first-person shooter can't POSSIBLY turn out for the best. Fusion? Oh no, the X parasites and Adam Malkovich totally ripped off the Flood and Cortana, even though work on it started well BEFORE Halo's release. Really, need I go on?"

"At this point, simply bringing up the precise number of heads that exploded when it sunk in you wouldn't be nailing Hermione seems WAY too easy a comeback," said Samus aloofly. "So I'll throw in how Order of the Phoenix, despite showing your refreshing contempt for self-important authority figures and being responsible for your own training…had fans calling you a hotheaded dick."

"And it's way too easy for me to bring up all the whining and bitching about your little breakdown in front of Ridley," Harry shot back. "So I'll point out the irony of how gamers weighing in on Other M shows the lingering sexism in the industry. Final Fantasy VII was all about some bloke who built up a delusion about being a kick-butt soldier as a defense mechanism…and Cloud is STILL regarded as the epitome of awesomeness. You have a PTSD blankout for ONE MINUTE in front of Ridley…and somehow that ruins it for females in games forever."

"Well, you got me there, Harry. Your fanbase is far from sexist," said Samus smoothly. "In fact, your fans are so not sexist, the Harry Potter fanfic community is known for letting you and your closest male friends experience the wonders of childbirth."

"OK, I admit I got no comeback for that," said Harry. "Other than pointing out that Samus/Ridley fics, y'know, EXIST. As do people getting the wrong idea from your team-up with Pikachu…."

"True, it's quite annoying when fans draw conclusions when I'm not supposed to have a canon pairing," said Samus dismissively. "Then again, you have a different problem: people griping endlessly about YOUR canon pairing. If you had a galleon for every fic written to 'fix' how you wound up with Ginny, you could pay off the United States' national debt!"

"Then let's go back to non-canon crossover pairing for a moment," said Harry quickly. "Bother to rearrange George's face for stealing a kiss yet?"

"He's STILL grieving over losing Fred!" scoffed Samus. "I can't…."

"Uhhhh, Fusion of Destinies II was BEFORE Deathly Hallows, remember?" Harry pointed out.

"Well, if you must know, I'd rather rearrange the faces of the people who wanted to see a pairing between US instead," spat Samus. "Yet another example of…."

"Of…what?" demanded Harry.

"Of fans just out to see someone cater to their whims, and demanding it of an author who, despite some mistakes, made an effort to understand what the two of us do and what we're about," said Samus. Turning to look at Harry apologetically, she said, "Look, it's easy to obsess over how some of our fans demand our franchises go in a certain direction, or have some weird reaction to something our creators thought was minor and inconsequential. But if we do that, we may lose sight of those fans who genuinely love us. and got involved in the fan community, for the right reasons."

"I guess you're right, Samus," said Harry. "And let's not forget, we've still got one more misadventure together, courtesy of this Grey-X guy. We'll have to pull together and…." Harry stopped suddenly, looking around with a nervous expression. "And some of our old friends know it too. My gut's telling me their watching us, hoping to figure out what'll divide us."

"Harry, please, this is HOGWARTS. Voldemort and the others can't slip in so easily," Samus laughed. Harry mostly ignored her, still anxiously looking around the courtyard, until his gaze locked onto something. Samus didn't seem to notice. "Besides, if they're here, where are they watching us from?"

Harry then turned and glared at Samus quizzically for a moment. Then, without turning his head, Harry slashed his wand through the air, conjuring up a gust of wind. Suddenly, a huge slab of cardboard with a brick pattern painted on it fell down, revealing an archway that all the villains were gathered under. Ridley had to crouch uncomfortably, and Mother Brain, Voldemort, Bellatrix Lestrange and Valkyrie all stood around him. The SA-X was there too, but wearing Samus's black two-piece from Super Metroid; she squatted as she played Dr. Mario on the original Game Boy model while sipping Mountain Dew from a beer hat.

Harry and Samus just stared back with sharp looks as the uninvited guests looked back guiltily from across the courtyard. For a moment, there was silence. Then, all of a sudden, Ron and Hermione ran up, the latter dragging a shaken, battered-looking Draco behind her. "Harry, bad news! Draco let it slip that he overheard how all our enemies planned to hide out here in Hogwarts, and…." Hermione's voiced trailed off when she noticed the six intruders in the archway. "Aw, motherf[TRUCK HORN]…"

"I just like to point out I'm the only one of the so-called Golden Trio that hasn't uttered a swear word for this whole fic," Ron said delicately. "Just, just putting that out there."

"Yah hah hah, there's room for only one viral scourge in the Nintendo universe, motherf[TRUCK HORN]s, and…" the SA-X began, but she suddenly looked up, her carefree gaze taking everything in. "Oh, are we doing villain stuff now?"

"Honestly, the author wanted to prop HER up as the ultimate manifestation of my dark side?" Samus spat.

"Save it, Samus. Right now, I can't decide what's more insulting: them thinking that after six years of school here, I somehow wouldn't notice a missing archway…or that our worst enemies put ABSOLUTELY NO EFFORT into concealing themselves," fumed Harry.

"Hey, not our fault Ridley's mammoth keister was too damn big to put a Disillusionment Charm on," said Valkyrie sweetly.

"Oh please, Asara, you're the VALKYRIE. The whole point of your existence was that there's somehow a witch who could challenge my master head-on!" shrieked Bellatrix. "You could whip up gigantic bacteria colonies from nowhere, yet somehow Disillusioning this ugly excuse for a dragon was beyond you?"

Mother Brain gave Bellatrix a quick smack upside the head. "Watch how you talk about the Space Pirates' most resilient warrior in my presence, Lestrange," she said dangerously.

"If by 'resilient', you mean 'gets put back together no matter how many missiles Aran shoves up his arse', I guess I can't argue with you," Bellatrix jeered.

Her face becoming a hideous scowl, Mother Brain opened her mouth, spewing waves of destructive energy like her Super Metroid counterpart. However, Bellatrix cast a Shield Charm, and they were deflected…right at Valkyrie.

Valkyrie was slammed painfully into a wall. After she slid down, she calmly stood up, brushed off some debris, looked back over to Mother Brain and Bellatrix, and said, "Very well, you two are dead." Valkyrie flew right at them, tackling both to the ground. A dust cloud was kicked up, and occasionally an arm or a leg or someone's head poked out for a split-second. Also, a spell or weapon blast that missed would sometimes lance out, punctuating the din from their scuffle.

"Woo-hoo! Four-way bitch-ass throwdown!" cried the SA-X happily. She backflipped into the melee, and suddenly the dust cloud seemed to glide out of the courtyard like a dementor, taking the four madwomen with it.

Everyone else just stared in disbelief as they drifted away. "I…can't think of anything scything to say that won't make me look horribly sexist," said Draco.

"I can't think of anything to say that won't make me look ungodly perverted," added Ron.

Draco just stared at Ron for a moment. "You're alright, Weasley…."

"In any case, it's always nice when your enemies defeat themselves for you," said Harry. "Now we can all just…."

"Not so fast, Potter! You and I have unfinished business!" said Voldemort coldly, having moved in behind him without anyone noticing.

Sighing, Harry rolled his eyes and turned around. "Really, you want to go there again?" Harry taunted. "Every time you think you got the upper hand, things kinda go screwy for you."

"Do not presume to threaten me, boy," snapped Voldemort. "With no Elder Wand, and your phoenix wand held uselessly at your side, I can strike you down in an eyeblink. You never mastered Occlumency, and I can easily see whatever pitiful plans you…."

Harry cut Voldemort off with a forward snap kick to his groin. "Except that," said Harry smoothly as the Dark Lord crumpled to the ground, clutching his balls.

"Wow. Always wondered if that would work," said Hermione.

"But…how come Voldemort didn't see it coming?" asked Ron.

"Same reason Snape kept his motives a secret. He was motivated by love, and Voldemort, having no interest in love, never cared much for sensations pertaining to his nether region," explained Harry.

"Nicely played, Potter. You WOULD'VE made a good Slytherin," said Draco, sounding impressed.

"Such tactics will do no good against ME!" snarled Ridley. He landed in front of the four teenage wizards, nearly making them lose their footing.

"Everyone, take it easy. I got this," said Samus calmly as she walked past them and up to Ridley.

"So, Samus Aran, shall we begin?" Ridley dared.

"What, what Bellatrix pointed out, about how I'll inevitably blast you clear across the castle walls?" Samus fired back. "Nah, I have something different in mind for today. As Harry's always fond of telling me, one should accept a little help from friends." Samus turned to Harry and said, "Harry, repeat what I'm about to say verbatim: Kreacher, have the house-elves execute Order 989."

Harry hesitated for a moment, then nervously said, "Uhhh…Kreacher, have the house-elves execute Order 989."

Before anyone could blink, scores of house-elves Apparated around Ridley and wasted no time piling onto him like Pikmin on crack. Ridley's screams of pain were drowned out by the battle cries of the house-elves. Some hacked away at Ridley's hide with knives and cleavers, while others blasted him with magic at point-blank range. Ridley was powerless to shake them off, and eventually he slumped into unconsciousness. Once again emulating Pikmin, the house-elves banded together to lift the dreaded Space Pirate up, and slowly carried him out of the courtyard.

Harry, Ron, Hermione and Draco just watched Ridley get hauled away. "As you all know, I typically resent house-elves being used like this, but I think I'll let it slide this time," said Hermione.

"Wow, all our worst enemies, flattened in less than five minutes," said Ron. "Even after that…wanna bet Grey-X will still drag out our final story together for another fifty chapters?"

"I've got five galleons on sixty chapters," said Draco. "By the way, wasn't my old house-elf supposed to be in that lot?"

"Uhhh, your aunt killed him, remember?" spat Hermione. "And the scope of this stupid fic didn't allow for Dobby to be resurrected for no apparent reason."

"Oh. Awkward," said Draco quickly. "Wow, working with you lot is going to be a lot more awkward than I thought."

"Ahhh, you'll get the hang of not being an insensitive jerk one day," said Harry.

"In the meantime, what are we supposed to do with ourselves?" asked Ron. "We've got a while before the author wraps up our trilogy, let alone Samus getting another game."

"Well, Hogsmeade is supposed to be back to its former glory. Let's go get something to eat," suggested Samus. Her four young companions shrugged their shoulders, and followed Samus out of the courtyard.

"Yeah, this could be fun, Aran," said Draco. "Maybe we'll see these atrocious table manners of yours that're always hinted at, but Grey-X never lets the reader see…."

"MALFOY!" cried Harry, Ron and Hermione in unison.

"Kidding…." muttered Draco dejectedly.

And with that, this insipid comedy tour is at an end, and our beloved heroes can rest easy. Oh, and Draco too. But with six of their most nefarious enemies still so near, must they be fearful?

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The four villainesses' pointless scuffle carried them all the way up to the Astronomy Tower. The dust cloud lingering around them so badly, they had no idea they were dangerously close to the edge…until the four of them fell right over. Their screams echoed throughout the grounds, until they went splat in the courtyard below.

"Thanks you so much, ladies," grumbled Valkyrie, who was pinned underneath the SA-X, Mother Brain and Bellatrix Lestrange, and all of them were in the middle of a nasty crater.

"What are you complaining about? You flew at US and started this!" huffed Bellatrix.

"Emphasis on how you could've FLOWN a few seconds ago," added Mother Brain.

Silence fell over the courtyard for a moment, until Valkyrie screamed something that was censored by a blaring truck horn.

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Back in the courtyard this whole mess started in, Voldemort was still curled up in a fetal position. "Uhhhhh, my balls…."

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Outside the grounds, the house-elves had chained up Ridley, leaving him under the supervision of Rubeus Hagrid. And standing beside him were Bella Swan and Katniss Everdeen, sporting multiple casts and bandages. Plus, their faces left little doubt that Madam Pomfrey forced them to down ungodly amounts of Skele-Gro.

"An' as ye can see here, ladies, the house-elves've brough' me a little gift," said Hagrid. "I always wanted me a dragon, but ne'er did I imagine I'd get a chance ta see an ALIEN dragon!"

Ridley just thrashed about violently, and whatever he said, it was censored by truck horns. No doubt the ladies found it offensive, since Bella kicked a nearby tree stump, uprooting it. It wound up impaled on Ridley's beak.

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Nah.

THE END, MOTHERF[TRUCK HORN]RS