Brain Dead

Summary: After Dead Reckoning, Sookie went to visit Faery with Niall. This is what happened next. All the favourite ff SVM themes are joined up in one story. It's a parody (hopefully) written with a light heart or light head – there's Eric's you-know-what, Pam's shoes, Bill's obsession, even the Ancient Pythoness's sex ritual. Adult concepts/language. (M)

Disclaimer:The characters in this story belong to Charlaine Harris's Sookie Stackhouse Series.

Betaing: Many thanks to peppermintyrose for her betaing skills and for the original inspiration. Peppermintyrose's Comfort Food post at http: /peppermintyrose. livejournal. com/ 59811. html featured a Bingo Card depicting the ideas used in many an SVM story. I've squished every one of them into my parody! Bingo!

Any mistakes are my own. Apologies.

Naked, I knelt.

My embarrassment kept me warm.

Of course, I shouldn't be embarrassed. That would be wrong of me. Pam had told me so, while stripping every shred of clothing from my heavily-pregnant body. My favourite outfit had flown off in a tornado of vampire speed, before being tossed into the bushes with a flick of Pam's dainty Olde English fingers.

And I knew just how strong those flicking fingers really were.

I had a smart(ing) ass. To match my smart mouth! That's what Pam'd said, when I'd said No and stamped my foot. With hindsight, I was probably lucky Pam hadn't put my stamping foot in my mouth to shut me up. But I hadn't wanted to get undressed, not in front of what seemed like every vampire on the planet. I'd just reacted... No one had told me I had to get naked in ... 'vampublic'... for this ritual. It made me feel vulnerable, and so without thinking, I'd gone and humiliated Pam by arguing with her, in front of her own. She'd understood naked was necessary. She'd only been trying to help me out, like a good friend would. What was wrong with me?

Since entering Niall's Breeding Programme in Faery, I'd had no time to question or think for myself much ... and why would I, when others could do it for me and do it so much better too. After all, they were the experts! And because I'd done what I was told, my life had become magically transformed. So I don't know why I was still silly enough to question Pam. I didn't want to start making a habit of saying and doing the wrong thing again. I'd even insulted Niall once, whining that he didn't love me at all, and just wanted me for breeding. But Niall had never been into breeding fairies! Where had I got that stupid idea? Yep, wrong again! Niall had been trying to breed the hybrid twins, who would bring peace to all the world and all the realms forever and ever and ever, according to the Ancient Pythoness's prophecy.

Niall and the AP had been working together on this for... Well, ages. So I didn't want to blow it for them now. The prophecy foretold a part-fairy human with the essential spark, giving birth to the Peacemakers, the Twins. The Brigant family had sent fairies out to mate with humans, especially the essentially-sparky ones like me, so the prophecy could fulfil itself. Self-fulfilling, I guess. Now it turned out, I was going to be the one fulfilled. I was going to be a mother - the magical twin's mother. It felt like a dream, I'd never had, come true – mind boggling! Now Tara and I would have twins' stories to swap!

I smiled, grinned really. I knew I had that crazy-Sookie thing going on, but I didn't care if I looked nuts. My twin babies, Adele Claudine and Lief Alexander, would be born tonight. Thinking that, brought an even more lunatic grin to my lips. Eric, my vampire husband, was flying in to join me in this birthing ritual. What more could a girl ask for?

Clothes? Out of the corner of my eye, I saw bits of my long-lost underwear swinging from a tree, like unusual Christmas decorations. I remembered the ping and sting as Pam had snapped the panty's elastic in my forced strip tease. No, I wasn't going to think about it.

But I did.

When I was naked, Pam'd stood pressed against my back, fully clothed. She'd hissy-whispered ... advice, directly into my ear. With a little tongue. That Pam!

I racked my brain to think of that advice now. I didn't want to think of my embarrassing position – naked and kneeling - anymore. I slapped myself upside the head, but nothing came to mind. I pinched my smart(ing) ass where Pam had, and... Hey Presto, that stimulated my brain cells. I remembered. Who would have thought my brains were in my ass?

Pam had been all touchy-feely with her advice. "Don't cause trouble, Sookie. (pinch) Don't even think of embarrassing my master, by causing the teeniest (pinch), tiniest (pinch), itty-bittiest (pinch) bit of trouble here, or I will show you what real trouble looks like." (pinch, with a twist)

And those pinches on my ass pinched, but I hadn't cried out. We, Southern Belles, were genteel, but tough. Plus I hadn't wanted to cause any trouble. Not for my friend, Pam.

I'd shivered though – Pam's cold body, Pam's cold words, Pam's cold breath (and tongue) in my ear. The cold night air on my skin had seemed the least of my worries. I'd upset my friend. A lot. With one whiny word. No.

"If the Ancient Pythoness says 'strip'," Pam had growled, "you strip! Let me see if I can explain this in words you will understand ... to make it easier for you. The Ancient Pythoness is the one hosting this ritual. Niall said you agreed. You do as the Ancient One says." (pinch and hold)

Despite the pain in my ass, I'd realised then what a good friend Pam was being to me. I certainly didn't want to upset my hostess, the Ancient Pythoness. Not with an inappropriate dress, or undress, code. Whatever would Gran say if she knew I'd let my Southern Belle manners slip? While it was important to be a good hostess, it was equally important to be a good guest. And guests dressed as required, if they attended. I'd attended.

I was thankful for Pam's advice, but before I could say so, she'd hissed, "Now, wearing that Wal-Mart dress... No, wait! Sack! That should have embarrassed you, not the getting naked." (nipple tweak with her other hand) What a multi-tasker! But she hadn't finished.

"You looked as big and fat as a Viking Warrior ship in full sail. I know Eric loves his Viking ships, but he doesn't want his wife to look like one. What sort of wife are you?" (Pinch, with a capital P)

One that wants to be comfortable or as comfortable as my supe-sized, pregnant-with-twins body will let me be! I'd almost said that! But before making that mistake, Pam'd whispered her final words of abuse. No! No! What was I thinking? I mean advice. Well, Dear Abby's, anyway.

"Dear Abby says that a good wife supports her husband. (pinch) That's the sort of wife you should be, Sookie. A good one. Not one whose middle name is Trouble. (pinch) And one that looks good for her husband would be good too." (pinch and hold)

Be good! I'd got the message and realised what Pam said was right. We, Southern Belles, always supported of our husbands and looking well-groomed was essential. My appearance reflected upon Eric. If I looked bad, I made Eric look bad. Well, not physically. Eric always looked magnificent, but I had to try to live up to that.

I hadn't meant to look like a Viking Warrior's boat, and in a bad way. I'd been wrong. I'd been selfish, thinking of just my own comfort.

Suddenly, I'd known what to do. When in doubt, get your manners out, Gran used to say. I missed her advice so much... Still, I had Pam and Dear Abby for that now. So I'd said, "Thanks for the help, Pam. I won't cause any more trouble. I'll be a good wife. I'll support Eric ... and, he will be naked too. Won't he?"

"Try stopping him." Yeah, Eric loved naked and vice versa. And I loved him that way too. What wasn't to like about a nude Eric? "It's about time I heard you speak some sense, Sookie Trouble Stackhouse." Yay, I'd got it right! "Or should I take the Trouble out now and put the Northman in? Hmm, Sookie Stackhouse Northman. I've always wanted to help put the Northman into you!"

I'd grinned. That Pam! She liked her threesomes.

Pam'd depincered my ass then and assisted me – pushed me - to my knees. Still, I'd smiled, despite nearly breaking my kneecaps. Pam had got me ready for the ritual, and I was so happy to be friends with her again that I didn't complain. I didn't have many friends and I didn't want to lose one of them over nothing.

Then, without warning, Pam ran off into the woods beyond the clearing. I hoped she didn't ruin her pumps. She was always doing that.

So naked, I knelt.

My Christian modesty and Southern Belle manners still insisted that I shouldn't be attending any function in the nude, especially not with a large, vampire audience. And I wasn't just talking about the crowd of fangy onlookers. Eric had suddenly dropped out of the sky and positioned himself naked and 'erect' before me. Oh yes, large and vampire! He'd risen for the occasion too. I had a close-up view, and the crowd of vampires assembled couldn't miss him or his most beautiful peen, either. In fact with their fabulous eyesight, even in this pale moonlight, they could probably see Pam's fingerprints outlined on my ass. And on my right nipple as well. I think that pinch had just been for pleasure though ... hers.

But I liked to please my friends and really, I should be grateful. Pam had left my shoes on!

The blind AP began chanting and moaning and moaning and chanting in a language that was all Greek me! The ritual had begun ... and she kept at it ... the chanting and moaning. The AP's eyes mightn't work, but her mouth sure did. I didn't know how she could moan so much when she wasn't having sex or eating - feeding, in her case. That's when moaning usually happened, when there was no pain. Right? Or was I wrong again?

This was the final stage of the AP's prophecy, where the vampire magic got put into my babys' mixed-up DNA. The twins already had my chemistry - human, fairy, demon from the telepathy – and Preston's fairy and shapeshifting-were magic. Yes, Preston's seed had fathered my twins. Just the thought of that gift from Niall, Preston's fairy seed, blew my mind. I would have refused the gift too, if I'd known about it. Refusing gifts was part of my DNA! Imagine if I'd idiotically said No to Preston! No twin babies! Fortunately, it hadn't been left up to me and I hadn't been able to refuse. Preston had executed Niall's plan to perfection – a bit of gentle glamour had made it easy for me to accept his ... favours. Niall even told Preston to make sure I enjoyed myself ... and I had very much, apparently. How thoughtful was that? Not every girl had such a considerate great-grandfather.

Niall had made Faery safe for me as well, and from my very first visit, it felt like home – welcoming and warm. So much so, that my essential spark had got real warmed up too ... got so hot that it had ignited. Niall thought the intensive dose of fairy magic in the atmosphere rubbed off on me, causing my internal inferno. I'd lit up like a Christmas tree and... Poof, I'd become a fairy too. Mind-blowing or what?

That's when Niall knew the AP's prophecy was coming true. I'd turned into a fairy, just like she'd foretold. Then, the dormant seed created during my ... gift from Preston had bedded down in my newly-fae body and faster than you could say pregalicious, I was with child – two, even. It was all so unlikely that I'm sure my last brain cell had fried, just trying to believe it. I wasn't going to pinch myself to see if this was real though. My ass still smarted. This was totally real!

So here I was with Eric, who'd be putting the vampire magic into my twins, to complete their hybridization. Was that even a word? Eric would know. He'd been speaking English longer than I had. I'd be buying another Word of the Day Calendar soon, to improve my vocabulary for my twin's sake. I'm sure they wouldn't want a dummy for a mummy!

Next to us, the AP kept on chanting. She stood hunched and clothed. Fully! Her long Grecian-style dress rustled as she accepted a platter from her equally, fully-clothed handmaiden. Food? I hoped so; I was starving. Pregnancy did that to me, but what were the chances of food at a vampire shindig? Blood ... Eric's ... that's what I'd be getting. I knew that much and I was okay with it. Eric's blood would make my babies stronger, more powerful and immortal, according to the AP's prophecy.

I wasn't just hungry though; I was getting sleepy too. Since becoming pregalicious, sleeping for long periods, especially at night, was usual. I hoped I wouldn't embarrass Eric by dozing off and snoring! Lucky for me, the cool night air and my uncomfortable kneeling position were keeping me awake. But I so wanted to yawn and have a good stretch. I couldn't let Pam or Eric down though, so I stiffened my Southern Belle spine, until it was as stiff as my knees, and concentrated on the view before me. What a view it was!

The 'view' was right up close, right in my face and stiff too.

It was large and impossible to see past.

Perfectly formed ... generously proportioned ... as hard and as smooth and as cold as marble ... a shaft of steel ...

I didn't have the words to describe its beauty, not like I wanted to. Yup, I definitely needed to get that Word of the Day Calendar to help supersize my vocabulary. Then I could describe my Viking Warrior's beautiful peen properly.

Eric's gracious plenty! Just like my Viking Warrior husband, it was standing up tall and proud. One delicious vein pulsated up its exquisitely-long length and a pearl of pink fluid glistened at the top, crowning this majestic glory.

Magnificent. So long. So strong. So King Kong.

"Mmmmmm," I moaned at it, even though I wasn't eating. I wanted to sink my teeth into it. It looked good enough to eat. Well, suck anyway.

Juices flashflooded my mouth, as I salivated hungrily over my Viking's chunky love muscle.

A spurt of pink juice arced out from the GP's enormous tip and probably hosed down the front row of vampires. Jesus Christ, Shepherd of Judea. Eric was ready for me. Of course, he was always ready. I licked my lips in anticipation. And to suck up some of my own drool. It threatened to waterfall down my chin onto my pumped-up, pregnant breasts. More for Eric to like, I thought, happily.

Then my nether lips flooded. Hot juices cascaded wetly down my inner thighs and pooled on the dais beneath me. I couldn't stop the flow. I ached to be impaled by Eric's monster member. I heard Eric sniffing the air.

"So wet for me, Little One," he said, in a voice that oozed sex.

Of course I was wet. He was 'Eric', after all. I was getting like a swamp down below.

"See something you like?" he asked.

Of course I did. I never got tired of liking it... or, licking it ... or, sucking it. Okay, all of those and more. I longed to have something in my mouth and suddenly my wish came true.

Food! Not quite what I'd been imagining a second ago, but very, very welcome.

"Mmmm," I moaned, as Eric's dexterous fingers fed me a berry, singular, from the platter held and spelled by the AP. I didn't know what it was for, but it tasted divine.

"For fertility," the AP said, answering my unspoken question. "And strength," she added, "You passed out in my vision of the ritual."

Right! I guess one berry would have to hold me. So I made the most of it.

"Mmmm," I moaned, as I chewed. The sweet juice squirted down my throat and I swallowed it all, every last drop. I was good at swallowing juices. "Mmmm," I moaned again. Manners required I showed my appreciation. "Mmmmmm," I moaned once more, just to be sure everyone got it.

I heard rustling, even over my moan. I hoped the AP might be moving to offer me another berry. But it was the wrong kind of rustling. It sounded like leaves stirring in a breeze, coming from where my clothes had landed. Turning to look, I watched as a whole bush at the edge of the clearing, twisted and shook. Then a wild ... whimpering pathetically tapered off to a quiet, but satisfied groan.

Crap! I knew that whimper. When Bill staggered out of the torn-up bush with my underpants on his head, flaccid, tiny, lacklustre penis clutched in his hand and eyes firmly ogling my naked backside, I wasn't surprised. What a tosser. Literally.

Well, yuk! I'd had enough.

"Eric, get me some clothes and some privacy, or I'm not doing this. I won't have Bill jacking it in the bushes and watching me naked." I grabbed the GP, and used its granite-like strength to lever myself up from the ground, stiff knees, big belly 'n all.

By cupping my dripping sex, Eric steadied me, so I wouldn't slip over in my own juices. How sweet of Eric to be so helpful, keeping me from harm.

"Sookie, Little One," he said, "You should take Bill's actions as a compliment to your beauty. You are so desirable in your new pregnant fairy-form. Even with your scent completely masked, Bill couldn't be expected to help himself..." Was Eric saying that Bill's jacking-it was my fault, because I was too attractive? I would have to think about that later.

"Yeah, Bill helped himself alrighty. Are all the other vampires here going to get their cocks or clits out too?" I thought Eric might have killed Bill by now, not made excuses for him. And what had happened to the Mine thing? Or was my thinking all wrong again?

Eric's eyes narrowed. "When we begin the sex part of the ritual where I claim you for all time, you will not be noticing whether any others' cocks and clits are out or in."

Well, there was that. Sex with Eric did focus my attention, but it was the word 'sex' with 'ritual' that grabbed my attention now.

"There is sex in this ritual, Eric? Why didn't you tell me?"

"I have just told you, Sookie. What would be the point of worrying you sooner? You are a pregnant mother-to-be, so I have considered your stress level. I knew you wouldn't like to have sex in front of others..."

I cut Eric off. "Dead right, buddy," I said. "Why in vampublic?"

Eric replied stonily, "Little One, the Ancient Pythoness has seen the ritual this way. And I can hardly wait." Eric emphasised the 'hard', in hardly.

But I wasn't happy. "Yeah, but no one told me it was going to be so sexual, so public and so looooong winded." I glanced at the AP.

Eric's narrowed eyes shot icy daggers at me. If looks could kill...

Damn it! Questioning the AP's ritual and arguing with Eric, in front of all these deaders, was causing trouble, wasn't it? And he'd been so patient with me, supporting me, protecting me... I could hear the murmurs of dissent behind me – the vampublic were getting ready to call Eric weak any moment now.

"Bring it," I said. "Even without our blood bond, I can feel a lecture coming on."

Eric sighed, exasperated. "Little One, you never seem to understand this. I always tell you what I can. I only bother you with things that might cause you upset, if it becomes necessary. What sort of husband would I be, if I didn't protect you? Now that you are pregnant with the twins that are destined to unite all the races of the world, I have been doubly ... no triply ... protective of your feelings. You will let me take care of you."

Protection. Of course, I needed that. Someone was always trying to kill me. Eric, my Viking Warrior, was right. Stress was not good for pregnant women or their unborn. He was only thinking of me and my babes' well-being. What was wrong with me? It must be my pregnancy hormones affecting my brain waves - that's what I'd claimed constantly throughout my pregnancy anyway and Eric had gallantly put up with it. He needed my total respect, not questioning. Was my brain dead? It certainly felt numb, like my kneecaps!

In the middle of the dais where we stood, the AP's handmaiden rustled as she placed a laptop on the pedestal. Eric popped up the screen with his free hand.

"I have prepared a PowerPoint presentation to accompany my lecture." At this, my eyes popped a bit too. "I thought the visuals would assist your understanding, Little One," Eric said, with a cocking eyebrow daring me to disagree. Well, okay, I needed all the help I could get.

Just behind Eric, I saw Bill glide back into the bushes - pants open, hand a blur, tossing. I tried to feel all complimented. And I managed it! If I pleased others by being sexually desirable, it made me worthy of being Eric's. Right? Right.

A mouse clicked and I looked at the screen. Eric's presentation had begun. He read from the slide to help me understand its meaning. His sexed-up tone almost made that impossible for me though.

"The Ancient Pythoness's Prophecy - The Ritual For Vampire Entry"

The next slide automatically appeared as Eric finished speaking. He always had perfect timing. He read on.

"What is the Ritual for?

The ritual will ensure that the vampire magic of immortality transfers to the hybrid twins, after the fairy - that would be you, Sookie - tastes the two fruits of fertility – one for each twin. (Oooh, another berry. Yummy.)

The fruits allow the babies to absorb the immortality of vampire magic, but not the need for darkness or blood.

(New slide)

Who will be at the Ritual?

The final ritual, using blood and sex magic of the vampire, will be presided over by the Ancient One and witnessed by the vampire population." (Surprise, surprise, surprise. Not.)

(New slide)

Who will be in Charge of the Ritual?

The fairy (Who me – in charge?) shall follow the instructions of the Ancient One and Eric, the pledged and plentiful, to ensure the safety of the unborn twins during the ritual." (That's more like it – Pheww!)

A blank screen ended the presentation, but my mind wasn't a blank on the topic. Eric's lecture had worked! I got it. Finally. Immortality and Safety for my babies. We all wanted the same thing.

Eric waggled his eyebrows. I waggled his 'plentiful' like the joystick it was, 'cause I still had it handy! I was using it as my crutch. Or that's my excuse! Why would I let go of such a work of art anyway? To get on with this show, I suppose.

Actions speak louder than words, I thought, so using the 'plentiful' for balance, I knelt again at Eric's feet as he released my sex. Because I seemed to be making a habit of saying the wrong thing again, I decided to keep my mouth shut, until it was needed for something it was good for.

So naked, I knelt.

The laptop disappeared in a handmaiden's hurricane to be replaced by the platter displaying my lucky-last berry. I almost moaned on the spot.

"Now," the AP instructed.

I salivated watching Eric. He used his fingers, still lathered with my sexual juices, to pluck the berry from the platter. That touch juiced up the berry with my own sexy-Sookie flavour.

"Mmmmmm." The moan burst from me, louder, harder, longer and deeper than before, as I sucked on the berry Eric'd placed on my tongue. The sex flavouring almost made me want to scream in ecstasy, instead of simply moaning. Eric watched me eat, while he took long lollipop-licks of his fingers. Then he continued on licking, right up to his wrist, to collect every last juicy drop. What that vamp could do with his tongue! I swallowed!

My final appreciative moan was lost when the sound of extreme leaf-rustling filled the clearing. Bill was getting really carried away this time ... in a different bush too. Determined to ignore it, I focused on Eric's beautiful peen glistening in the pale light. Suddenly, I wanted to put something much larger and tastier than any berry into my mouth.

"Sookie, Sookie, Sookie," two voices cried. What? The tossers were multiplying. Was no bush safe?

I turned to see Sam and Alcide emerge from the bushes, picking leaves from their hair. The crazy look in their eyes would probably match whatever crazy plans they had dreamt up. What were they thinking crashing a vampire ritual? They jogged up to the dais, with their junk jangling. Both must have been in animal form, and then changed in the bushes. Well, they fit right in with my dress code! I couldn't help but smile at that, and also because I saw they'd both been short-changed in the package department ... compared to Eric's peen ... the one I wanted to wrap my lips around. What was with the interruptions?

"Alcide Hevereaux and Sam Merlotte," said the blind AP. "Rogue suitors, you will leave."

I guess the AP had 'seered' them coming and going. But Alcide was not leaving without having his say. His eyes swept over me and he licked his lips. Maybe, he liked what he saw – me, naked and kneeling – or maybe he was just getting ready to speak, nervous amongst all these vampires. Eric didn't like the way Alcide looked at me though. He growled. That possessive sound made me weak at the knees. Lucky I was kneeling, so I couldn't buckle any further! Eric bared his fangs and that just sent my girly and pregnancy hormones into a frenzy. They wanted some mindless sex with their Viking Warrior. And soon.

"Sookie," Alcide said, "As you are a friend of the pack, one of our own should put the Were-magic into your twin's blend of races. I come to offer you my services."

I looked at Sam. Was he offering his shapeshifter magic? Was this going to turn from a fangbang into a gangbang? What about the elves, the goblins, the grey things... Who else wasn't happy with my twin's magical hybrid mix? Fortunately, my chaotic thoughts were cut off, when the AP said, "Preston, the fairy's magic, took care of all that. He is talented in using Were, were and shifter magic, as well as his Fae charms. Your services are not required."

Alcide opened his mouth to say something else, but his eyes landed on Eric's beautiful peen and he remained open-mouthed. I could swear Alcide's own junk shrunk a little, in shock and awe.

"Sookie?" he asked. I raised my eyes and quirked my eyebrow in an imitation of Eric's cocking. The AP answered for me, and I let her. It was her prophecy 'nall.

"If you have a complaint, take it up with Prince Niall Brigant of the Sky Fae." She dismissed him.

"Sookie," Sam tried, "You don't have to do this." He waved his arms around indicating the AP, Eric, Eric's peen, the vampublic, my big belly. "You should stay away from vampires. They are all just using you. Come away with me now." I'd heard it all before. My brain had learned Sam's mantra by heart. The constant repetition of the same words made recall easy, even for me.

"Far too little, Sam," I said, and his junk shrunk smaller too. I hadn't meant my words in the physical sense, although it was true. Sam'd had his chances to be with me and wasted them. "And far too late," I finished.

I knew Sam's intentions were good, but who would give up on Eric and his beautiful peen, when faced with the comparison, quite literally. Alcide's, Sam's and Eric's genitalia were all at my eye level. I could see I was making the right decision!

"I am going to do something wonderful for this world by having my babies, Sam. This is where my essential spark has led me and I am following its light. This is what I was born to do. You should be proud of me. Motherhood is my destiny. So, Sam, I quit! I cannot be a mother to these miracle twins and work at Merlottes too."

Alcide and Sam hesitated.

"Come," said a voice from the clearing's edge. No rustling involved.

I knew that voice and I didn't think Jannalynn meant 'come' in the juicy way either.

"Here," Jannalynn demanded.

Alcide and Sam, seeming smaller in every way, ran off to join their commander. Their butts looked bent out of shape. If they'd been in their animal forms, I'm sure their tails would have been tucked between their legs. Plenty of room for tails there anyway. I wasn't sad to see them go; Eric had so much more to give.

The AP began chanting, as the ritual restarted and then she instructed, "Take blood now from the fertility instrument." What? I was willing, but even though those words were in English, the instruction made no sense.

My Eric translated. "Take my blood, Sookie. Bite my gracious and suck plenty," he said, as he used his supe-strength to bend his peen down towards my wet lips. Yup, all my lips were wet with waiting. My mouth opened wide to receive Eric's gift - one I wouldn't refuse. I'd been wanting to do this all night! Maybe, I was psychic after all.

My lips stretched to accommodate Eric's swollen shaft, as he pushed in to lodge down deep in my throat. Determined not to gag, I swallowed to take him all. His Viking longsword tickled my vocal cords, or was that my brain stem?

I hesitated. My sharp fairy teeth could make mincemeat of this job, and I didn't want to hurt Eric in any way. I liked to protect my friends and family, not harm them.

"Look at me, Sookie," Eric said, and I raised my watering eyes to his brilliant blues. "Now."

I followed the instruction – immediately - knowing this reaction would please Eric. It showed respect, and respect in public at that, which was so important to being a good wife of a vampire in his position. Was I finally getting it right?

With just a tiny nip, my pointy gnashers pierced Eric's plentiful peen, like iron sliding into a fairy. Smooth. I kept my eyes fixed on Eric's, drowning in his gaze, as well as his blood which had flooded into my mouth. He winked; I swallowed. His cool, delicious blood cascaded down my wide-open throat. I sucked up every last metallic drop, until his vampire healing kicked in. It wasn't the only thing kicking though. My twins were already feeling stronger from the blood magic surging through us. What were they doing in there? Cartwheels, while kick-boxing!

Eric pulled out. I licked my lips to remove the stretch marks, as he helped me to my feet. The AP moaned and chanted and chanted and moaned. On and on! I wasn't complaining though, as I was off my knees, and Eric's blood had definitely warmed me up. I didn't feel like sleeping any more, not even for a minute! I was alive, and the twins were kicking!

Eric leant down to kiss me and he didn't hold back. Neither did I. We ravished each other's mouths with wet kisses. Our tongues met, fighting for dominance. Eric held onto me, so I didn't slip up in my own juices, still pooled under my feet. My flat pumps were getting damp!

Eric whispered into my mouth before disengaging, "Are you ready, Sookie? You did the sucking, I'll do the fucking."

"Bring your nådig mange on," I mouthed back. During my pregnancy in Fairy, I'd been practising Norwegian to impress Eric.

We paused the proceedings while the handmaiden found and showed Eric a goggled translation of my words on the laptop. The delay was a little annoying to be honest, but...

"Oh lover, that's a perfect description," Eric said finally.

"Did I get it right?" I asked, suddenly worried I was wrong again.

"Just perfect." Eric grinned. I couldn't help thinking I was missing something, but he soon took my mind off that. We drifted up into the air and he spun me like I was light as a dust mote. On landing, my back was pressed against his front. Mmmmmm.

"Bend forward and hold onto the pedestal, Sookie," he said. "I'll take you from behind, Little One."

I did as he said, although I was worried that we wouldn't be able to roar and scream into each other's faces as we came.

The AP's chanting and moaning continued unabated, but somehow I managed to hear Eric over it. His blood was probably working wonders already. It always did.

"Don't worry, Sookie," he said, "I've got you." I relaxed immediately. Those words just did that to me. Then he was inside me. Somehow my legs had been spread wide, he'd stepped down a stair on the dais to line up with my wet, waiting womanhood and simply impaled me on his heat-seeking missile. I felt the burn as he rocketed in, but I wasn't worried; I knew the pain would lead to my pleasure going galactic. It would take time for me to stretch to accommodate him though - I wasn't called Little One for nothing - so we both moaned as we waited.

Rustling erupted in the bushes - yet again. There would be nothing left of the woods soon, I thought. That Bill.

"Wait." Pam's voice burst out of the undergrowth, along with herself. So not Bill! Then Pam was down at my feet, removing my comfortable flats and replacing them with 6" heels.

"These will give your legs and ass a much better look, while Eric is fucking you," she said, in a very pleased voice. "I see you didn't wait for me to help put the Northman in. I should be cross with you, Sookie, for not waiting, but I know there was probably no holding Eric back. From where I'm sitting 'down under', I can see that your Viking Warrior's longsword is wedged in, up to the hilt, and possibly beyond."

I felt myself flushing with embarrassment. That Pam just loved interrupting Eric-and-Sookie Nookie. And what an angle to be observed from. I hoped she was going to run away and not give a running commentary. Or was I wrong to think that?

"Eric didn't need any help," I managed to squeak out, as my pinched feet wobbled and throbbed in the new shoes. I looked down at their lush, red expensiveness. "Pam, I can't accept these. Thank you so much for thinking of how my ass will look, but my feet are swollen from the pregnancy and these shoes don't fit right. They're just too painful to wear."

"Do not try to refuse to this gift, Sookie. I couldn't let you embarrass yourself or my master, by having your ass look droopy. Your butt is much perkier already. Grin and bear it – this is a birth after all! And as I have ruined another pair of my pumps running through the woods to purchase these for you, don't be ungrateful! I want to hear a thank you very much, not another No. Besides, your own shoes are soaking wet with sexual juices. You need a new pair to look your best."

"But Pam I might overbalance or slip and injure myself or the twins in these shoes," I argued.

"Are you saying that Eric would let you fall? I think you'll find yourself very well supported. His perfect peen is practically holding you up, all by itself, right now."

Pam had a point and ... um, so did Eric, the one I was impaled on, but...

"Sookie, I bought these $11635 shoes, especially for you. They say, this season, these Christian Louboutin's dangerously-stylish red eel peep-toe pumps epitomize the temptress vibe. I could have got you Jimmy Choo's ..."

I tuned out for a second as Pam talked shoes. I was wearing eel. Eeew! I wasn't sure if it was the thought of that or the height, but I felt a little woozy. Maybe Pam's shoes were cutting off the blood supply to my brain or I just needed to rest again. Maybe, I was missing being asleep for 14 hours or more every day and every night. The twins were really taking it out of me. The twins, I thought, so close to birth. I needed to get on with it.

Suddenly, all the fight about shoes left me. I was wrong; Pam was right. Of course Eric wouldn't let me fall; his beautiful peen would sustain me. Pam was a good friend, and although I knew she loved shoe shopping like nothing else, I was sure she'd thought of me or at least my butt, when buying the gift. Eric wasn't complaining about the new look either. I knew I could put up with the pain, if I looked good for Eric.

I listened as Pam said, "I could have purchased you Valentino's in a rich red hue and classic design, to be timeless, but the heel height was only a sucky 5.5 inches. To make your butt look best, I knew you needed the full fucky 6 inches. You are used to lots of inches anyway, Sookie."

I smiled. Yeah, I was used to lots of inches. That Pam! Finally remembering that I was a lady, with Southern Belle manners, I said, "Thank you so much, Pam. These shoes are beautiful." I had a good view of them too, because I was still looking down, and not out at the assembled crowd of vampires. I knew I shouldn't be concerned, after all vampires saw and had sex all the time, but silly ol' me still felt conflicted and kind of humiliated. At least, I had the right shoes on now though!

"That's more like it," Pam answered, before she ran off again in her ruined pumps to join the silent onlookers. Silent, that is, except for that blasted Bill in a bush. It was him too. I recognised that wheezing gasp, from when he was my first lover ... even over the AP's chanting and moaning. No, she hadn't let up, either.

Then I felt Eric pull back. Nearly every long cool inch of him withdrew. It took some time, but it also took my mind off those bushes. Eric held the head of his gracious just inside my yahoo. I felt hollowed out and empty without it. Eric's plentiful peen made me complete. What were we waiting for I wondered?

"Now let the magic commence," said the Ancient Pythoness in English, and I couldn't have put it better myself. Sex with Eric was always magic. It was definitely time to get Eric's beautiful peen in and these babies out. I knew births could be difficult, but this was ... excruciating in a different way. Okay, I shouldn't whine. I was going to have an epic orgasm with my Viking Warrior, not an epidural, but... My thoughts went blank, as Eric pushed back in, slowly.

The AP said mid-chant, "We haven't got all night." And again I couldn't have agreed more.

Eric sped up, and I mean really sped up. He gripped my hips; I gripped the pedestal - thank goodness, I had taken his blood and eaten my berries. It was wham-bam sex with slam, and I wondered momentarily, if Eric was punishing me for being pregnant with another's children ... but then I realised it was about possession. And I loved being possessed by Eric. Oh yes, he had me. With a tiny twirl of his fingertip around my pleasure button, he had me near orgasm too. I got my jar ready! I was teetering on that cataclysmic edge, when Eric flung us into the air and spun me around. Then he sat my butt down on the edge of the pedestal and thrust for re-entry, successfully. Oh yes, deep impact! With Eric now standing between my legs, we could look at each other as we came. Eric thought of everything!

"Who do you belong to, Sookie?" he demanded, while covering my swinging breasts with his large hands.

I knew the answer to this. "Always you, Eric," I replied, looking directly into his eyes to please him.

I got it right, because Eric gave one final enormous thrust, and that was it. He roared and I screamed, face to face, forehead to forehead, eyeball to eyeball, as we peaked together. Then we threw our heads back and roared and screamed our pleasure some more. Juices flew from our mouths, then rained down to mix with those gushing from my yahoo palace. It was like a bubbling spring. Eric had gone off like a geyser on a good day.

As we finished roaring and screaming, I felt the ritual's magic begin. The berries, the blood, the chanting and the sex had worked. I clung to Eric, who held onto my breasts, as we were both surrounded by a warm, golden light. Over Eric's shoulder, I could see that the portal to Fairy had opened. Niall stood in the gateway, and then he glowed golden too. The moment that happened, my tummy flattened. I saw my two blonde, bloody and beautiful babies pop into Niall's waiting arms. My great-grandfather smiled as the portal closed and the AP finally stopped her chant. Adele Claudine and Leif Alexander, my miracle babies, were safe and I was a mother. How lucky was I?

I felt euphoric, but it was short-lived. As the golden glow faded, exhaustion left me drained and weak. The instant change in my body from big to small had taken its toll. I'd known the babies would pop – Niall had told me so – but I hadn't thought much about afterwards. Now, I thought shock might be setting in. It was only Eric's rock-hard erection inside me keeping me upright. His beautiful peen hadn't immediately withered like so many males' would. Oh no! Eric's gracious stayed hard, and only after many minutes passed did it slowly soften, as if the blood was draining from it. I knew it could be ready for more in an instant though, ever-ready Eric. His grip on my breasts was keeping me upright too, as I began to tremble and shake. I'm sure it would have been far worse without his wonderful blood inside me, as well as his wondrous shaft.

"Rest," he said, while banding me inside his strong arms. "You have done well. You will see your babies when you wake, rejuvenated and renewed, ready to start their eternity with them."

I smiled at Eric, and looked into his handsome, fanged-up face. I knew I would sleep for 16 hours or more, for days maybe – giving birth, even this way, was mind-numbingly tiring.

"Sleep," Eric said, with a touch of glamour. I felt it brushing against my mind, and decided to accept it. Not that I needed much help with sleeping, but Eric wanted to help me, like before, when I'd been staked. So I obeyed my husband, as a good wife should, and closed my eyes when he leant in towards my neck. I felt safe and supported and sleepy as I drifted. Eric's fangs pierced my throat. He was making it feel nice and I didn't worry. I could spare some blood now that the twins were born. I got the warm fuzzies just thinking about them, or was that the exhaustion? Both ... probably ... maybe ...

Eric sucked long and hard, and I could feel his pleasure growing. Pleased, that he was pleased with me, I relaxed completely. With a full heart and a light head, I simply floated away ... freely into space...

I'd done good, hadn't I?

The End

A/N 'nådig mange' in Norwegian means 'gracious plenty' or is it 'gracious to many'? Whatever.