A/N: Hello one and all! Welcome to the supremely fabulous diary of Gilderoy Lockhart written by MagicalUs! The diary will be covering the year in Gilderoy's life in which he takes up a job at Hogwarts teaching Defence Against The Dark Arts. We hope you enjoy reading it as much as we enjoy writing it!
And please leave us a review...we love to know how we're doing!
Chapter 1 – One is Fabulous!
5th August 1992
Home - 11am.
Dearest diary,
Hello! New money-making scheme begins.
Scheme is thus: have fabulous, opulent, semi-scandalous, definitely risqué diary entries published for profit.
Only slight snag is that said diary entries do not yet exist. Unfortunate. Also, cannot steal the diaries of others because they would be utterly mundane nonsense not worthy of Gilderoy Lockhart. That, too, is unfortunate because I've done great work with the memories of other, less beautiful people.
Also must find a "mate" of sorts for risqué parts. That will, naturally, be easy.
The fabulousness begins here!
(Best not to include this first bit, I think.)
11.10am
My hair is truly wonderful this morning. Very buoyant. Almost fluffy, though never frizzy. I really must market those hair-care potions.
11.30am
Caught sight of myself in the mirror and swooned. It was lucky the chaise longue was there. Summoned Ida (my house elf, not a buxom, short skirted maid, worst luck!) to fetch the smelling salts. She brought them to me in what I consider to be a very ungrateful manner, especially considering that the pillow I've given her to wear is pure cashmere. Plus, she'd overdone it on the eucalyptus oil.
I wrinkled my nose. "Ida, Ida... now, as someone experienced in the art of scents and perfumes, I can give you a few pointers that should prove helpful to a rookie such as yourself."
"Sir?" she squeaked.
It was pointless. I told her firmly that serving an Order of Merlin, Third Class, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defence League and five-time winner of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award required a certain level of pizzazz.
Do you know what she said to that? "Um, excusing me Sir, but – what is 'pish-ash'?"
Useless.
11.35am
She has a very repressed air about her, and very little sense of style.
Definitely need to hire a buxom house-maid.
12am
The sunshine really compliments my hair today. Lovely.
1pm
Have decided that this diary should be helpful to readers, as well as saucy and risqué.
I shall dish out advice in helpful parcels as my wisdom is clearly wasted on Ida. (She has retired to the kitchen which I think is for the best – despite her flaws, she makes the most divine lemon meringue pie).
Anyway, to demonstrate –using an example from this morning – here is a 'Gilderoy Top Tip':
"A chaise longue beneath that ornate, Venetian arched mirror may come in unexpectedly useful – especially when one is devastatingly handsome with a hint of ocean blue eyes."
See? Fabulous!
I do so love helping people to improve themselves.
1.02pm
Writing a fabulous, scandalous diary is exhausting. I may need a brief power nap to revive the creative juices. Merlin, I'm quite the writer. We're such dedicated, gritty types.
1.03pm
Although if I'm going to take a refreshing snooze, best have Ida put my curlers in first. Speaking of which!
'Gilderoy Top Tip – Number 2':
"Curlers by night, ringlets all day. The proof is in the planning!"
Truly inspiring words. Brings a tear to the eye.
1.30pm
Cannot find Ida anywhere.
1.33pm
Dear God, the lemon meringue pie's gone too!
1.34pm
Quite concerned for the welfare of that pie.
1.40pm
Oh ho ho, I see what's going on here! It's too obvious! Poor, dear Ida, she has no subtlety whatsoever. She is quite clearly preparing a birthday surprise for me. And who could resist? I'm fabulous!
1.50pm
Birthday is actually in January so that's really very thoughtful.
3.00pm
Hmm. Must be a very big, very expensive and very lavish surprise as Ida has still not returned.
5.40pm
At last! Must have dozed off on chaise longue because I woke up with a start to find Ida pottering about as if she'd never been away. Tragically, hair is now flat on one side due to lack of curlers. Flat! May need the smelling salts again or perhaps a swig of Ogden's finest if Ida decides she can be bothered. Oddly, her cashmere pillow is now covered in cake crumbs...
6.00pm
Still no sign of pie.
9th August
Home - 9:30am
Exciting news for one and all! (alright, just one but that one is me and I'm the only one that truly matters after all)
Amongst my usual splendor of fan mail and bras, there was a letter from dear Albus Dumbledore! I didn't know he was still around; he's been a bit quiet on the old heroics of late but I opened the letter nonetheless. He must want a signed photo!
9.31am
Oh. He has invited me to apply for the Defence Against the Dark Arts post at Hogwarts! No mention of a photo, but he must want one. Who wouldn't?
Might apply, I suppose. Depends if I can find the time in my busy grooming schedule.
9:35am
Oh my giddy aunt, this is SO exciting! I've made it! I've hit the big time! Will start preparing for interview immediately... must look fabulous and be ready to dazzle!
12.37pm
Note to self: play it cool at the interview.
12.38pm
But remember to bring the signed photo he was so clearly hinting at. And another for Minerva, the saucy minx!
12.40pm
Not as a bribe, of course. Gilderoy Lockhart need not resort to bribes!
12.42pm
...Can't hurt though. I'll take a stack.
10th August
Home – 11:52am
Just about to set off for my soiree with Dumbledore about my new teaching position.
Decided on the lilac robes today. Nothing better than a gal's favourite robes to make her feel confident!
Hang on...
2.04pm
It seems that I am to be a role model for a new generation of witches and wizards!
My little chat with Albus went as swimmingly as I had expected and, although he's still keeping me in the dark (the tease!) I'm confident that my employment is imminent.
Dear old Albus is just as splendid as I recall him to be...not as dashing as I, of course, but we mustexcept the fact that his achievements are equally as good as mine. Minerva McGonagall was also there though she wasn't nearly as chatty...I think she may still be hung up on me after teaching me as a student and she's uncomfortable knowing that I know she finds me alluring. Goodness knows why, it's a given when you look like me! Honestly Minerva: I don't sleep in curlers every night for my own benefit!
2:06pm
Just looked in the mirror. Really can't blame these ladies for falling head over heels for Magical Me.
2:07pm
Ha! Magical Me!
2:31pm
Curls have slipped slightly. Must find Ida so she can put my rollers in again.
2:34pm
Found Ida. She was busy polishing my shoes. She didn't look pleased when I asked her to stop and come and put my curlers back in.
"Well, Ida, if you hadn't been so sloppy putting them in this morning we wouldn't be having this problem now, would we?"
"No, sir. You are right, sir."
"Aren't I always, my dear? Now make sure they're tight enough! I don't want them falling back out!"
2:52pm
Curlers back in!
2:53pm
Ow. Curlers v. tight.
2:56pm
Can't stand this anymore. IDAAAAAAAA!
2:58pm
Ida rearranging curlers. She pretends to be all innocent but I know she put these curlers in tight on purpose. Definitely need a buxom maid to do my bidding. Preferably one with a smackable bottom.
8.07pm
Dinner barely acceptable. Ida gave me steak and potatoes with bread pudding for desert. Steak! Potatoes! Bread pudding! Does she know me at all? The most I can manage is a light salad and some pineapple!
8:46pm
Could really go for some pizza.
9:07pm
Mmmm. Meat Feast.
10:54pm
In bed. These satin pyjamas are the business. Glad I got them in gold...may branch out into other colours to co-ordinate with other satin bed covers. Perhaps I should draw up a table to work out which colour pyjamas work best with said bed covers. Have plenty of covers in various shades of blue; periwinkle, sky, aqua, midnight, sapphire, royal, cornflower, Prussian etc.
Also have some good neutral shades; champagne, gold, cream, eggshell, vanilla, pearl, antique, ivory. All splendid and will go with anything.
However, if I purchase a lovely set of satin pyjamas in a spice colour, what would happen if Ida put the cornflower covers on the bed?
Anarchy, that's what.
Table is definitely needed to avoid such possible occurrences.
11:23pm
Given up on table. Too hard.
Seems one cannot have beauty and brains.
If I could have one, which would it be?
11:24pm
HA! Got you worried then didn't I? Beauty...no question!
After all, no one wants a hero that looks like Hagrid.
11:35pm
May have to do some re-thinking vis-a-vis pyjamas. Keep sliding down in the bed. One minute I'm draped over the cushions looking like the Greek God I am, next I'm curl deep in duvet!
Really don't want to give up either satin pyjamas or satin sheets...
11:39pm
Maybe a non-slip mat...?
19th August
Home - 6:23pm
What an exhausting day!
Not only did I receive news that I have been accepted for the Defence Against the Dark Arts job (personally, I never doubted me), I have been meeting adoring fans!
I graciously took part in a book signing at Flourish & Blotts today. I have been pulled and pushed and kissed all in the name of the fame game.
(These swooning middle-aged women are all well and good but a suitable, young, fresh partner must be found for delightful, noteworthy antics.)
Will certainly be on the front page of the Daily Prophet tomorrow after I had an encounter with that Potter boy. Never really understood why he was famous; what's so special about being alive? Aren't we all? Come on, dear boy. You can find a better angle than that.
Still, he served his purpose in reminding everyone that I'M STILL HERE...as if they could forget one as magical as me.
6.24pm
Ha! Magical Me! That'll never get old.
6.52pm
Another noteworthy event that happened today was a brawl!
No, fear not, Lockhartians, t'was not I who was caught in the fray. Some over-the-hill men decided that my book signing would be the place to fight.
Can only assume said fight was for my love.
10:47pm
Time for Bedfordshire! Ida keeps looking at me as though she's waiting for permission to go to sleep. Lazy fiend! All she's done today is clean, cook and scrub! She should try my life of glitz and glamour! There's no sleeping on thatjob!
"Now stop complaining, Ida, and rub my feet."
Honestly!