Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Repeat: I do NOT own Harry Potter. Nor do I own any songs that may or may not end up in this fic.

A/N: So this is a parody/humor/romance fic (because they only let you put down two). Pairings are Draco/Harry, Blaise/Neville, Ron/Hermione, and maybe some more later on if you're nice.

Song: Got Your Money (as 'rapped' by Say Anything, original song by Dirty Ol' Bastard)

Chapter 01 - Got Your Money

Harry Potter was quite excited to go back for his last year at Hogwarts. In fact, since finding out that he would have a last year at Hogwarts, it was all he could think about. Gone was the Voldemort in his head, gone were the strange and horrifying dreams, gone was Ginny, who'd told him that she'd gotten her feelings for him confused and really only thought of him as a brother.

Yes, this year was going to be the best yet. For once Harry didn't have to worry about meeting his untimely death. No, this year was going to be focused on nothing but his friends and classes. Because with Voldemort gone, what could possibly go wrong?

Harry had spent the summer going between the Burrow, Grimmauld Place, and Hogwarts - where he'd volunteered to help clean up. The morning of September 1st, he finished packing up his trunk, flooed Ron to remind him that Harry would be meeting them at the station, and went about eating the breakfast that Kreacher had so thoughtfully put out for him.

He waited until twenty minutes before eleven o'clock, tugged his trunk outside, and apparated to the train station.

Everything was going wonderful so far, and Harry couldn't see how anyone could deflate his incredible mood. Nothing could possibly go wrong when he was about to spend the next few hours with his friends before seeing Hogwarts completely refurbished and beautiful. Nothing could-

What was he doing there?

Harry had made it through the barrier to Platform Nine and Three-Quarters, and the first person he saw was the last person he'd ever wanted to see.

Draco Malfoy. Standing with his mother and looking quite uncomfortable as people openly glared at him. Harry knew somewhere deep, deep down that he shouldn't be upset that Malfoy was there. After all, Harry was probably the biggest reason Malfoy wasn't in prison. And yet...as soon as he saw that annoying scowl on Malfoy's face, or that annoying glint in Malfoy's hair, or those annoyingly pretty grey eyes, he just wanted to go over there and hex the shit out of him.

But of course, Harry being Harry, he didn't do that at all. Instead, he pursed his lips tightly (in an expression disapproving enough to give his Aunt Petunia a run for her money) and walked the other way, towards the complete opposite side of the train.

Harry's expression hadn't changed five minutes later when he was seated alone in a compartment, waiting for Ron, Hermione, and Ginny to get there.

Really, how dare Malfoy show up! Sure, he'd practically saved Harry's life, but Harry had saved his life too, so they were even. And if it hadn't been for Malfoy, Dumbledore wouldn't have died like he did. And if it weren't for Malfoy, Harry's morning wouldn't have been ruined. And if it weren't for Malfoy... Harry would probably be dead.

Thinking this, Harry gave an annoyed grunt and glared out of the window, because he didn't have anything else to glare at.

Fine. Alright. So maybe Malfoy wasn't that bad. Sure he was a git. And a coward. And a self-centered, egotistic, evil, slimy little ferret-ass punk, but he wasn't that bad.

And, Harry amended grudgingly, he wasn't evil. However he was everything else, there was no denying.

Harry was cut off from his angry thoughts by an excited squeal and a bone crushing hug. "Oh, Harry!" Hermione (or at least he was pretty sure it was Hermione, it was hard to see through the hair) exclaimed, squeezing him much too tightly. She'd obviously been getting hug-lessons from Mrs. Weasley.

Knowing his air supply was quickly fading, Harry managed to choke out one word. "Breathe!"

It was a good thing Hermione was the brightest witch of her age, otherwise she might not've understood the implications. Instead of suffocating her best friend, however, she quickly jumped off of him, looking apologetic.

"Sorry, Harry." She patted him on the back as the boy-in-question coughed and weezed.

"Jeez, Hermione," Ron spoke up from where he was leaning on the compartment door (looking cool as usual), "he's survived eighteen years with a mad-man after him and you almost kill him in minutes without even trying."

"Voldemort should be ashamed of himself," Ginny agreed as she entered the compartment and sat down opposite Harry. "Are you alright?" She added, looking at her ex-boyfriend a little worriedly. Harry nodded, his face still red and his breathing still harsh.

Hermione checked her watch, looking quite abashed. "We should be leaving in a few minutes," she said, glancing around at all of them before glancing out of the window. "So we should...probably..." she trailed off with a horrified expression taking over her features.

"Hermione?" Ron asked worriedly, walking over to her and looking out of the window as well. His expression turned to an almost identical mask of horror.

"What are you all looking at?" Harry asked, his voice still scratchy. He peered over there shoulders, Ginny doing the same thing, and realized quite quickly what it was that was so awful.

Blaise Zambini was standing outside of the compartment window looking expectantly at Daphne Greengrass, who was avoiding his eyes spectacularly. That wasn't what was so horrifying of course. What was horrifying was that Zambini had managed to pulled his trousers down low enough to show off his boxers, and had stuck a baseball cap sideways on his head. Then, to make matters worse, he spoke.

"Parkinson," he snapped, and Pansy Parkinson stepped forward, staring at him with wide eyes. "Drop a beat."

To everyone's immense surprise (and by this time everyone was, in fact, staring at them) Pansy immediately began trying to beat box.

"Ohh, baby," Blaise began, waggling his eyebrows to Pansy and smirking.

"I dedicate this all the pretty girls - all the pretty girls

It's on

All the pretty girls, in the world

And the ugly girls too

Cause to me your pretty anyways baby."

Blaise nodded his head flirtaciously to Millicent Bulstrode before continuing to obviously harrass Daphne.

"You give me your number, I call you up"

Daphne opened her mouth, about to say something, but Blaise continued to do something that sounded suspiciously like a rap.

"You act like your pussy don't interrupt

I don't have no problem with you fucking me

But I have a little problem with you not fucking me"

Several people in the train station gasped.

"Baby you know I'll take care of you

Cause you say you got my baby, and I know it ain't true"

"Is that a good thing?" Daphne asked, her eyes widening in shock and her hands clapping over her mouth as soon as the words popped out.

"No it's bad bitch," Blaise answered, beginning to walk around her predetor-like.

"For good or worse, makes you switch.

So I walk on over with my crystal,

Bitches-"

"Nword!" Draco Malfoy suddenly appeared, spouting out the word and looking slightly confused.

"-put away your pistols

Zambini won't be having it in this house

Cause bitch, I'll cripple your style."

Now that you've heard my calm voice

You couldn't get another-"

"Nword!" Malfoy piped up again.

"Hoochie won't get moist

If you wanna look good, and not be bummy, girl you better give me that money."

And then the most horrifying thing yet. Gregory Goyle and Theodore Nott both rolled onto the picture, dancing in what everyone figured was supposed to be a sexy way as they sang in falsetto voices.

"Hey, dirty, baby I got your money,

don't you worry, I said hey,

Baby I got your money.

Hey, dirty, baby I got your money,

Don't you worry, I said hey,

baby I got your money!"

"Yo," Blaise continued, nodding in time with the beat.

"So I glanced at the girls, girls glanced at me,

I whispered in their ear 'you wanna be with me'

You wanna look pretty though, in my video

Ol' Zambini on the hat and I'll let you all know."

Blaise did a strange little swivel dance step that seemed a little Michael Jackson-ish.

"Just dance if your caught up in the holy ghost of France,

If you stop I'll put the killer ants in your pants."

He gave a butt wiggle.

"I'm the B-A-Z as you can see,

FBI don't you be watchin' me

I don't want no problems 'cause I put you down

In the ground where you can not be found

I'm just Zamb - dog tryin' to make some money

So give me my streaks, and give me my honey

Radio plays this all day, every day

Regonize I'm a fool if you love me!"

Blaise spasmed slightly and his voice cracked.

"None of you-"

Spasm.

"Better look at me funny-"

Spasm.

"You know my name now GIVE ME MY MONEY!"

He shouted the last part at Daphne, his fists raised in the universal sign for 'damn you alls to hell!' while Goyle and Nott began singing in the falsetto voice again.

"Hey, dirty, baby I got your money

don't you worry, I said hey,

Baby I got your money."

While they sang terribly off-key, Blaise was urging them on with loud exclamations of 'sing it! sing it girls!' and Draco crossed his arms, glared at Daphne, and said "Yo, if Zambini wants his money, just give him his money."

Blaise tried to give Goyle and Nott a run for their money, singing 'That's how I like it girl' until his voice cracked and he let it go with an 'aw fuck'.

"Sexy, sexy, sexy."

To everyone's horror, Draco joined in to Goyle and Nott's side dance and half-whispered, half-sung the decelerations.

"Sexy, sexy, sexy."

They repeated it much more than necessary until Blaise began his barely-passable rap once more.

"Yo, Yo-"

"Nword!" Draco popped back up at Blaise's side.

"Playin' at the club like this all night,

Bitches put your ass up let me hold it tight!

You lookin' at my wrist sayin'-"

"It's so nice!" Daphne and Millicent exclaimed as Blaise held out his bare wrist for them to admire.

"The price, bitch, is diamonds shining disco light!

You better help me solve my PROBLEM!

'For I get this money and ROB THEM!

Lucky dog when I won the lotto

Ran up on my car for carrying...'rayllos'?"

There was momentary confusion in all of the Slytherin's eyes as Blaise said 'rayllos', as though none of them were sure what that meant. Pansy even stopped her "beatboxing", until Blaise waved his hand for her to continue.

"You can call me Zambini, and then lift up your shirt

And if you want this Zambini - GOD MADE ZAMB AND ZAMB'LL BUST YOUR ASS!

Stop annoying me, yeah, I play my music loud

It takes the bastard old Zambini to move the crowd

They say he had his BALLS IN HIS MOUTH!"

Blaise had started screaming obscenely again.

"Cisco Adler taught me that back in the house...

BUT GIVE ME MONEY!"

This seemed to queue the back-up singers, because once again Goyle and Nott began to sing what appeared to be the chorus.

"Hey, dirty, baby I got your money

Don't you worry, I said hey!

Baby I got your money."

"Give me my money," Blaise half-sang in a too-deep voice.

"Hey, dirty, baby I got your money

Don't you worry, I said hey!
Baby I got your money."

"Why can't you give me the money"

"Hey, dirty, baby I got your money

Don't you worry, I said hey!"

Baby I got your money."

"I want my money."

"Hey, dirty, baby I got your money

Don't you worry, I said hey!"

Baby I got your money."

"Give me my mother fucking money bitch!"

"Hey, dirty, baby I got your money

Don't you worry, I said hey!"

Baby I got your money."

"I need money. I would like to recieve money from you."

"Hey, dirty, baby I got your money

Don't you worry, I said hey!"

Baby I got your money."

"PLEASE!"

"Hey, dirty, baby I got your money

Don't you worry, I said hey!"

Baby I got your money."

"Give me my money my money my money give it!"

"Hey, dirty, baby I got your money

Don't you worry, I said hey!"

Baby I got your money."

"I think you understand what I want at this point in the song. Just the money. Give it to me."

And as soon as it had began it was over, leaving everyone in a shocked silence that lasted until the train whistle blew.

As if shaking themselves out of a trance, the Slytherin Eighth Years shook their heads slightly, gave each other nervous looks, and walked in separate directions. Goyle, Harry noted, didn't even walk towards the train, but instead to the barrier from Platform Nine And Three-Quarters.

"What the bloody hell was that!" Ginny hissed, and Harry found himself wrenched out of the trance as well. He shakily shrugged and sat back down, going over the scene again and again.

If he never saw or heard Goyle dance or sing again, he would die a happy man.

"What's a...Rodeo?" Ron asked, looking more confused then the rest of them combined.

"Radio," Hermione corrected immediately, if a little faintly. "It's a muggle device that plays music. Like that thing your mum listens to Celestia Warbeck on."

"Oh," Ron nodded in understanding. "Right."

"You don't...think that's going to happen again, do you?" Hermione continued, wincing slightly. Harry knew why. He wanted to wince too, just remembering the monstrosity that had gone on a few minutes prior.

No one answered for a few minutes, and then Harry heaved a sigh. "It's Hogwarts, so yes, Hermione, it'll probably happen again."

Suddenly the compartment door slammed open and there stood a wild-eyed, heaving Neville. "Did you guys see that!"

So much for nothing going wrong...

A/N: I think the Say Anything cover is better than the original, but that's just me. If you guys haven't heard the song, you should check it out. After reviewing, of course ;)