Spoilers through Pale Demon. It's been a while since I've read the series, so chances are I might have missed something. So please definitely point out any inaccuracy you might find.

Disclaimer: The Hollows belongs to Kim Harrison. These constructed paragraphs came from my imagination, however, because dammit, we need more Ravy! So don't sue me...

Pool Table For Two

by Athena, a.k.a. il0vesunfl0wers

I stared at the pool table, and for a moment I saw an image of Kisten lining up his next shot. He turned to me with a knowing smile and winked at me, only to fade away into nothingness. My heart clenched. Even though I was handling his absence better, sometimes I still couldn't bear the loss. This billiard table, well, and the caps and bracelet, were all I had left of him. Of all those things, the table left the most bitterness, for I had never seen him feeling so abandoned and betrayed till that fateful night when he stood outside Piscary's after the ancient bastard had condemned him. All his belongings had been thrown outside, including this beloved pool table. His usually blue eyes were black as midnight. Frustration and fury had driven him to brawl with Piscary's goons, only to get thrashed around and pummeled to the ground. It wasn't the best memory, especially since it was the last time I saw him alive.

Ivy and I had decided to move the battered table to the sanctuary, though we hadn't bothered to replace the felt lining. Many times I avoided going near it. The pain was still too much to bear. It hit me most when I felt lost, because I desperately wished that I still had Kisten for support and advice.

"Oh Kisten, I miss you." I reached out tentatively, and then ran my hand lightly along the wooden edge. "I feel so alone. I mean, I know I'm not alone. Just… lonely I guess."

This is ridiculous.

I was having a one-sided heart-to-heart with my dead boyfriend of all people, but who else was I supposed to talk to? Mom had left on a lovey-dovey trip with Donald. Ceri was busy with the baby. Keasley ran off to who knows where. Bis was too young and too, um, gargoyle to understand the ways of people and relationships. David? Maybe if he wasn't too busy boning the ladies. Trent was completely out of the question. Jenks, well, he'd been so moody, on and off, obviously still grieving Matalina, that I found myself keeping serious talks with him to a minimum. That left Ivy. She was hardly ever home, and I doubt I'd be able to talk to her like this anyway.

Great, now I feel even worse.

"Fuck my life, I'm a goddamned demon on a leash! Magically neutered. I refuse to feel helpless or useless, but... I have too much time on my hands so it creeps in." It was worse now than when I had to stay put on holy ground because demons were after me. Talk about cabin fever. "Nobody wants to hire me. I miss my mom. I haven't really dated anyone, well, no one worth keeping since you. Who'd want to date a demon?" Marshall stopped going out with me when I was just a shunned witch.

"I've pissed off too many people from one too many races. Even my community hates me, or treats me like some leper." Kicked out of grocery stores? Check. Banished from charm shops? Check. "Sure, I've got a little were pack, not that we really do things together much. Vampires, well, I've only really had you and Ivy." My forehead creased, then I sighed in resignation.

"She's been doing much better than when you saw her last. It helps that Piscary's permanently dead. She's… dating Glenn… He's a good guy, good for her," I admitted grudgingly. "But… I… She'd kissed me," I said almost breathlessly. I brushed my lips with my fingers as if I could still feel her. I swallowed the lump in my throat. "Then she said goodbye. Except, she's still around, sort of. So near yet so far. I think she's finally moving on without me. I'm such a fool. I could've… We… I'd been so blind not to realize that I really—"

I sighed in exasperation. Even now I was such a coward. I was talking to a dead man and still I had trouble facing my feelings. I'd been too busy trying to stay alive to really consider them. At least that was what I kept telling myself. They'd probably give me a Masters Degree in Denial at the university, since obviously I surpassed the BS program. Fine, I'll admit that my romantic track record was made up of one train wreck after another. I either dated Mr. Wrong or Mr. Right Now. I finally figured out that Ms. Right was the one I wanted all along, not only that, but she was actually Ms. Right Next Door. Hell, she was Ms. Right Across the Hall. Stupid me! Now if she would just stop avoiding me like… like a leper, dammit.

I grabbed the dusty eight ball, and for a moment I wanted to hurl it across the room. I squeezed it hard, wishing it was a stress ball.

Everyone was right: I am a stupid, reckless witch!

How I wished that Kisten was here with me now. He'd listen patiently, then tell me what Ivy would be thinking and feeling. He would hold me in his arms and tell me that everything will be okay.

Suddenly, memories flashed, like a movie in my mind, and all I could see was Ivy.

Ivy in her mother's sundress, her tall, svelte figure drawing me in as she spun around to show it off, a shy smile on her face.

Ivy playing the piano when she was too busy to notice me listening. So graceful and knowing with the keys, playing classical, jazz and contemporary pieces, bringing notes to life so beautifully, caressing the keys like a lover, or pounding on them that you'd think they'd explode.

Ivy clad in leather, looking totally badass as she straddled her monster of a bike.

Ivy practicing martial arts with her katana, so light and graceful as she moved in a silent, deadly dance, with only the swishing sounds of the blade that she wielded expertly.

Ivy looking absolutely stunning in a slinky, backless, black, velvet gown, with a long slit that went up from her ankles to mid-thigh, as she left for one of Rynn's shindigs.

Ivy holding me as I fought against the spirit of the Focus, which had possessed my body.

Ivy crying, pleading like a small, broken child for me to watch over her the night Piscary had blood-raped her and made her his scion.

My heart beating wildly as Ivy lay on top of me on the floor when fairies first attacked the church. Me breathing heavily, as I took her scent in.

Ivy cornering me on the kitchen counter, wanting to prove to me that she could control of her bloodlust, my body melting against hers in rapture as her teeth burrowed deeper into my neck and our auras merged.

Brown-eyed Ivy kissing me in San Francisco, her lips and tongue so gentle and reverent against mine, giving me a taste of what I could have.

Ivy laughing because Glenn said something stupid. She smiled and laughed much more easily now, was more relaxed and serene… and not because of me.

I clenched my fists on the pool table, hunched over it as if I had an anvil wedged between my shoulder blades. I was so tired of fighting myself!

"I love her," I whispered, as if it was a dark secret. Why couldn't I have accepted it sooner, that I loved her as more than just a friend? More importantly, why couldn't I tell her how I really felt? Tears trickled down my cheek. "Oh God, I'm losing her, Kisten, or maybe I already have. No... I've lost her." I shut my eyes, dabbed at them, sniffling.

"I really don't know what I'm doing anymore." I stared off into space. "Maybe I should use a memory charm to make me forget for a while, or make others forget me. Maybe I should bag another leprechaun, get myself three more wishes. I'd wish for Ivy to keep her soul after her first death, for Jenks to find happiness again soon, find a new love, and... I can't exactly wish to undo the past, can I? I wonder if there's some spell to rewind time... but that probably needs ley line energy. Black magic. Demon magic. Fuck!" I banged my fists on the pool table. "I might as well just fling myself into the ever-after! I'd be a demon baby factory, but at least I'd be good for something. Or maybe I should just move to another city, another country. Start all over. Somewhere where nobody knows about Rachel Morgan, blacklisted witch and day walking demon, or if they did know, they wouldn't give a damn. I could wish for a new identity, or to simply become untraceable."

My lips twitched into a small smile. Now that would be super duper cool. Unfortunately, life was never that convenient where I was concerned. Besides, if I were really honest with myself, I would want to be found by the ones I love. The one I love… who wasn't here.

"I'd be better off just disappearing," I breathed out, quivering as I leaned over the pool table. A few tears escaped, and I watched tiny little wet patches form on the battered, green felt. "Who would miss me anyway?"

"I would," came a grey silk whisper from behind me. It was so soft that I thought I imagined it.

I turned around, gasping. "Ivy!"

She stood several feet away, unmoving except for the slight twitching of her forehead muscles. Her eyes bore into me. "And Jenks. Your mom. Ceri."

I looked away. "How long have you been standing there?"

"Long enough."

Neither of us said anything after that. I couldn't look at her. My cheeks were on fire. Suddenly the sanctuary seemed too small for just the two of us. I'd run away if it wouldn't trigger her instincts. Hell, I'd crawl under the pool table just so she couldn't see me shrivel up and die. I wondered how much she'd heard. I must have sounded real pathetic and desperate. The silence was getting unbearable. I began my retreat to my bedroom where I could sulk in private. "You look tired. I know I am, so… goodnight."

~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~

I will not vamp out. I will not vamp out!

She was talking to Kisten by the wretched pool table. Not good. Not good at all. She rarely went near it. I had seen her walk by it, slow down to a near halt, then speed up and move away. Her look of pain, sorrow and guilt—I couldn't bear to see her face or her slumped shoulders, because I felt the same. I was just better at hiding it. I was incredibly angry—at his murderer, at Piscary, that I was bespelled and could do nothing to stop it. I wasn't even aware of what was happening at the time. I felt guilty for being so angry with Kisten for so long because had gotten from Rachel what I so desperately wanted: her love and affection. I hated him for it, and now he was gone.

I was shocked to find her standing by the pool table, touching it no less, and that she'd called out to him, sounding so utterly defeated and forlorn. I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but how could I not? I couldn't just rush past her to my bedroom. Well, technically I could have, but I was frozen to my spot, struggling with an olfactory overload from the miasma of her emotions. I'd entered the church silently, thinking—hoping—that she was already asleep. This was the last thing I expected, especially the part where… Wait, did I hear her correctly? Did she actually just admit to... that she... and now she was balking?

That deep well of tension in my body, accumulated from all the frustration and disappointment I felt through the years and tried to bury inside, bubbled and fizzed, threatening to burst. The compassionate person in me felt her pain and wanted to reach out in sympathy, to embrace her and tell her that all was not lost, that she shouldn't give up, and that things would work out somehow. The warrior in me, furious that she was even thinking of running away, wanted to grab and her shake her till she came to her senses. I mean, how stupid was that? As usual she had too many half-baked 'plans', and since she wasn't thinking clearly, she would just wing it and pick one. Last but not least, the lover in me was appalled, shaken, and panicking because she actually might end up leaving. I could track her down eventually if she disappeared to another city or country, but if she escaped to the ever-after… Oh God, I may never see her again!

All rationale fled and fear and anxiety came crashing in full force. What if the demons found a way to not let her come back to the surface? They would enslave her and impregnate her. They would turn her into the kind of demon she didn't want to be. Worse, from what I heard about Newt, what if she suddenly killed Rachel the way she'd wiped out all the other female demons in existence?

God, please no…

"You look tired," Rachel said to break the awkward silence, fidgeting. "I know I am, so… goodn—"

What the hell! She's retreating? She won't even stay to argue and defend herself? She reeked of embarrassment. Well, fuck that! This is too damn important to sweep under the damn rug. We are going to talk about this, and I won't run away from it this time. I didn't want to vamp out, but goddammit, I was beyond pissed off at her. I was also angry at myself because I was partly to blame. I was so scared of losing her that I couldn't even find the words or the will to not lash out completely. I trembled with the effort to control myself. I stewed, seething in silence. Counting to ten wasn't helping since I couldn't even manage to count. Fists clenching, I snapped.

"Why would you… How can you even think of leaving?"

"I'm just going to my room."

"Don't bullshit me, Rachel. You know damn well what I'm talking about. I heard you!"

She wouldn't look me in the eye. She wouldn't even yell back at me. Instead, after a moment she replied quietly, "Everyone's moved on. You've said goodbye."

"I only said goodbye because… I didn't actually mean goodbye!"

Actually I did, but then I also didn't. I badly wanted to move on. I didn't want to feel guilty for dating Matthew, as if I was being unfaithful to Rachel somehow. I think he suspected that I had feelings for her. Good detectives picked up on things like that. I never talked about her and me, or I dodged the subject whenever he tried probing. I think he also felt like we were sneaking around her, but I also knew that he had started feeling jealous and protective. I was getting sick of the situation and deep down I was hoping Rachel would do something, like… like beg me to leave him for her, absurd as that sounded.

God, I was such a masochist.

I took a deep breath. "Rachel, I could never leave you." No matter how I tried, it was true.

"Maybe you should. You're better off without me." She fiddled with her silver bracelet, scratching her wrist as if it was giving her rashes and she would take it off at any second. It made we want to rush over in case she bolted. "Besides, I don't belong here anymore, Ivy. There's nothing left for me here."

"Yes, there—"

"I have no one!" she barked, her face contorted in defiance, then pain. "I'm no one."

"Yes, you are!" I practically screamed. "You're Rachel Morgan, badass runner, goddammit. You have Jenks. You have me—"

"You have Glenn!"

There it was, finally. Except this was not how I fantasized she'd protest our relationship; in my twisted imagination she'd been on fire, burning with passion, not hopelessness, as she tried to convince me that I belonged with her, that I belonged toher.

"He has you. And… you're happier now." Her voice cracked. She glanced down at the table and breathed out, "You have everything."

"Not if I don't have you!"

"You don't need me," she rasped, turning to me with tears streaming down her face. "You never have! I've only been dragging you d—"

"Yes, I do!" I strode over to her and grabbed her arms. "You're my everything, Rachel."

"But Glenn—"

Matthew was supposed to be just a fling, a one-night stand, someone who I happened to commiserate with in some dilapidated bar in the human side of Cincy one night after a run. I didn't expect to be dating a human, nor for this long, but he was refreshing. He liked order and rules and—and plans! Just like me. And so unlike Rachel. He was attentive, found Inderlanders fascinating, vamps included. He wanted me, probably even loved me, and it felt so good. I mean, I know that people found me desirable and finding lovers had always been easy for me, but for once I just wanted someone who would always be there. Someone stable and dependable. Someone who understood my line of work and what I was fighting for. Someone who liked me for me and who made me laugh. And he let me bite him, didn't see anything wrong with it, welcomed it, even helped me to see that it was okay, that I shouldn't feel guilty, and that I could control my urges. Despite it all…

"He's not you. I love you! I always have. I always will." Gently, I cupped her face in my hands. "You haven't lost me, Rachel, and I don't want to lose you. Please."

~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~

Ivy held me tight against her chest as I sobbed, soaking her in tears. I realized later that we'd ended up on the couch, with me cradled in her arms and over her lap. She rocked me gently and stroked my hair till I calmed down.

"You're not alone, Rachel," she whispered, sniffling. "I'm sorry. I… I've been lonely, too, that's why—" Ivy sighed, squeezing me gently. "I thought I was losing you, that you would never feel the way I feel for you. It hurt too much for too long. So I tried to walk away before you did."

"I know… stupid vampire."

"Oh yeah? Well you're stupid." Said vampire stuck her tongue out at me, making me laugh.

"Seriously, Ivy, I'm truly sorry for hurting you. I... really do love you. I should have told you sooner just how much."

Her face softened, tear-stained and absolutely beautiful. "It's not too late to show me." She smiled. She kissed my forehead and wiped away my tears. "You're the most important person in my life, can't you see?"

I brushed my lips on her cheek softly. I lay my head on the crook of her neck for a while, enjoying the quiet moment between us. It felt good to be held by her, and it was then that I realized how much I craved this. Suddenly it hit me.

"Oh God, I'm sorry. What about Gl—"

She silenced my lips with her fingertip. "Shhh… I don't want to think about that right now, or else I'll feel awfully guilty. I've waited for you for too long, dear heart. Let me savor this moment."

"But—" What the Turn am doing? She's in a relationship! Wait, why was I being a buzz kill anyway? This is what I wanted, right?

"I know. Just… let me hold you for a while, okay?"

This is what we needed. No harm done just holding someone you cared about. Yeah, that's it. So I did something smart for a change: I shut my trap and leaned back into her. I was tired of fighting. Just tired, period.

We stayed like that some more, till eventually she'd lain us both along the length of her couch, my head happily cushioned on her chest. She continued to brush her fingers through my hair, soothing me, leaving a pleasant tingling along my scalp. She stroked my back and gently massaged the back of my neck and shoulders.

We would deal with everything else later, and I felt relieved that she was here with me again. I started thinking about silly, sappy things like we'd open our hearts to each other for emotional and moral support, and make each other laugh. I really liked the sound of that, and I couldn't wait to make her smile. No matter what, we'd probably still bicker. She'd still argue with me about not following her carefully calculated plans, and I'd still tell her to shove it and just let me do what I do best. Only, now I would get to hold her and kiss her and… more. I shivered in anticipation.

Emotionally spent, I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep in her arms.

~~O~~

You know, I was feeling depressed (personal issues) and it didn't help any when A Perfect Blood came out. I'm afraid to read it! Of getting disappointed and heartbroken yet again at the ridiculous lack of Ravy. I mean it's, what, book 10 now? If KH will end in 2-3 books, it's looking grim for this pairing. I needed to vent my frustrations somehow… Though I generally tend to avoid angst, this is the result. This goes out to those of you who asked/requested my take on when/how Rachel finally realized that she really loves Ivy 'that way'. See? I do read all my reviews and pm's, and take requests/suggestions to heart :] such as…

* First Date – I'll try. Lots of possibilities here. I've thought about this a lot and I think I have a pretty good idea, but I'll take suggestions.

* Ahem, a rather graphic depiction of their First Time making whoopie – Obviously, I enjoy writing 'graphic depictions', lol. Sure, why not? X]

* First Kiss - I already wrote that one. Granted, it was from Ivy's POV. Rachel's POV could certainly be arranged. ;)

* First Holloween, Christmas, Valentine's Day, etc. – gah, I keep missing these holiday 'deadlines'! We'll see. If you don't mind late entries, that makes it a bit easier.

* More supporting character inclusion – I try, but mostly I add when they're needed. Like, dead bf's making cameos. =P

* More chapters - I generally shy away from multi-parters because I hate making people wait. Plus I'm all for immediate gratification and accomplishment – easier to get with stand alones! I wrote this as a one shot, but this is certainly ripe for more. Hmm…

Well, I'll need some motivation and some guidance – a writer's road can easily veer off into all kinds of paths. Mine always starts with how to address "what if". No promises, but let me know what you think when you review! ;)