so much angst between these two

they have gone in a different direction to what i thought ffs XD

enjoy!

He made his way into the kitchen, music pumping loudly throughout the house, but he hardly heard it any of it. His mind still reeling, going over again and again what was said, what he was going to do, he found no answers coming to him. After grabbing snacks and avoiding everyone's eyes, he went to gather some drinks. He was unsure if Dean wanted to drink anymore alcohol or not, so he grabbed a mixture of both alcoholic and soft drinks to choose from.

He ran upstairs before anyone could stop him, before he could think anymore, before he could stop himself. He grabbed extra blankets from the linen closet and entered his room.

His heart leapt to his throat, he was never going to get bored at seeing Dean in his bed he thought. The boy was asleep, face buried in his pillow, he didn't think he'd taken that long. Fuck he thought when he saw the time, he'd been gone about an hour, his heart fluttered knowing that Dean was still waiting for him, that he hadn't got bored and left. His heart beat faster thinking of Dean thinking he was worth waiting for.

He placed all the stuff he brought up on the floor, and gently climbed onto the bed next to the sleeping boy. He allowed himself a few moments to simply stare at the boy's face. His usual face of worry and full of suspicion was gone. He looked peaceful, calm, put simply; beautiful. With all the worries taken away off his shoulders as he slept he looked youthful. Despite the boy only being 18 he carried himself in a manner beyond his years, he worried in a way that showed just how much he had been hurt and betrayed, the pain was again beyond his years. Cas felt sick when he realised this, Dean has been hurt and played most his life, he had to pick up the pieces for his family, and here he was trying to manipulate his feelings, for what? To win a bet? He shouldn't be manipulated into being happy and loved, he should be truly happy and loved. Cas felt like the dick Dean was so sure he was when they first met.

He stared at the boy in front of him, taking in all his features up close. The curve of his nose, lift of his lips and many, many freckles smothering his cheeks; dusting his complexion with a certain uniqueness that made him uniquely perfect. He felt himself become calm as he looked upon him. He didn't know what he was going to do. What was going to happen with him and Dean, if anything; he had no idea what decisions he was going to make, on anything. He only knew that in that moment, he didn't care, in that moment he knew he was where he was supposed to be. Whether that was because it was the start of something, or the ending of the potential of something he didn't know. He didn't want to know, he just wanted to enjoy tonight. He wanted to commit everything to memory, and never forget the moment he was so completely in love he could barely breathe. Dean shifted in his sleep, letting out an adorable little noise making Cas' heart melt all over again, not being able to resist, he slowly ran his fingers through Dean's hair.

"Cas?" he grumbled, waking up at the touch.

"I'm back baby." He spoke in hushed tones "Sorry I took so long." The sleepy teen hummed in reply, rubbing his face as he looked around the room to get his bearings.

"Where were you?" he mumbled propping himself on his elbows.

"Talking with Gabriel." They locked eyes for a moment, Dean searching for something resembling truth, if he were honest he was suddenly scared Cas was lying and he was off sleeping with someone. Whatever he was looking for, he found it and relaxed.

"Okay." He told Cas before laying back down, this time closer to Cas, close enough to rest his head on his shoulder and rub his nose along the boy's neck.

"Dean?" Cas asked, unsure of what was happening. This had never happened before, he never allowed this, although shocked the fact he wasn't pulling away from the intimacy is what shock him more.

"Sorry." Dean mumbled when he felt just how tense and rigid Cas had gotten, he flushed red with embarrassment as he went to sit up looking everywhere but at Cas laying on the bed staring at him. Staring at me with that god damn intense stare that gave him goosebumps.

"I don't mind." Cas rushed out, before he really thought that through. He gave Dean what could only be described as a goofy smile with his eyes shot up to meet his. Dean couldn't help but return the smile, thinking of last time when Cas freaked out and had to leave the room. "Still want to want to watch firefly?"

"Sure."

They put in the first disc and settled on the bed. Cas slowly wrapped his arms tightly around the perfect boy who has his head resting on his chest and leg thrown over his. He wanted to remember this, this was better than anything else he could have imagine them doing in his bed, it was more intimate more loving and more real than anything else they could have done, and he hated himself slightly for thinking it. His heart was beating so hard though he was convinced Dean could hear it. The music from the party outside was so loud they had to turn the volume up, despite all that was going on outside the room, the occasional rattle of his door handle and banging on the door, they were in their own little world, and it was perfect.

They munched on snacks, drank the lemonade, and binge watched the whole of firefly. Cas informed him he had serenity but the film was in Gabriel's room, neither wanted to get out of bed, let alone the room. They put on friends, easy watching. They had to move positions a few times because of dead arms and general uncomfortableness, whoever said you can sleep cuddling was a complete liar. They ended up side but side on their backs, arms next to each other elbows bent and hands intertwined in the air. They ran their fingers over their hands, lacing them in between each other's. The lay in silence enjoying the simple gentle touch of the other.

"Why me?" Dean asked out of now where words slurred a little from tiredness. The sound startling Cas a little, they hadn't needed words in quite a while.

"Huh?" not sure what Dean was asking, the boy sat up removing himself out of Cas' personal space. It was serious Cas thought, his stomach dropped he had a good idea of what this was about.

"Why do you want to sleep with me so much? I'm nothing special." Eyes dropping to the duvet, losing his nerve to look into those powerful eyes, it was too much too intense. He instantly regretted the words that came out his mouth, he shouldn't have mentioned it. He was staring attempting to will away the stinging behind his eyes when he felt two warm hands on his face.

"Dean I told you how selfless and wonderful you are." He wanted to believe him he really did. He wanted to accept the compliment at face value. To not question or look for alternative motives. But he couldn't, history had taught him there was always an ulterior motive.

"That was when you got to know me. After you decided to sleep with me." He pointed out, he wasn't fishing for compliments, he was merely trying to understand. Dean had gotten himself to the point with Cas that he felt mostly comfortable, that he was certain Cas cared in some way shape or form. He was hoping he was right and Cas was going to be truthful. He hated how he was drawn to Cas. He wanted to be near him, despite the feeling of being played, despite the thought that it was all a game. The silence between them stretched out between them, the only sounds being the ever present party noise from outside their bubble, the only light for them was the DVD menu screen. Dean felt like crying, he knew Cas wasn't telling him everything, and he was terrified at what that was.

He changed his mind, he didn't want to know, the silence told him more than enough, he didn't want to hear the words anymore. He just wanted to live in his own tentative bubble a little longer. He turned, pressing play on the remote, just letting the episodes repeat, curled on his side to watch, back to Cas. It wasn't long before he felt slim warm arms snake around him and held him against his chest.

"You're hot, you're defiant, you stand up to people, and even if you're terrified you stand up for those that can't, you're a fighter, a survivor." He mumbled into the boy's neck. "That's what I got from you, during our first interactions." Dean hated his confusion, he knew he was right and something else was going on, but he heard no lie in Cas' voice, he knew Cas was being honest at the moment.

"It's not that I don't want to sleep with you." Dean started, deciding to go for the truth too, and maybe lay to rest his worries. It had been a while he thought, since he'd been completely honest, even to himself. "I guess. I guess I'm just scarred, it's some big joke that I'm being played." Cas didn't answer, merely gave the back of his neck a little kiss. "That I would live to regret it." He continued, barely about to get the words out around his panic swollen tongue. "I don't want to be humiliated or end up heart broken."

Cas lent up and slowly moved Dean onto his back so they can look to each other. He spoke softly, hand brushing over the boy's face, speaking words he never thought he would say.

"How about we don't sleep together, not tonight, we just enjoy this moment. This perfect moment." They shared a small smile, Cas caressing his face, Dean's fingers curled into his shirt. Lowering himself, he slowly captured the boys lips in the most intimate, gentle kiss he has ever shared with someone, still not sure if the kiss was saying goodbye yet or not he put the thoughts aside and just enjoyed the feeling of Dean's lips.

They parted just as slowly and settled side by side again, something had settled between them but neither boy knew what it was.

Cas' phone began beeping and he internally sighed before switching the alarm off. It got deans attention, thinking it was a call or text and he was being beckoned away. Instead Dean watched silently as he reached into his bedside draw and pulling out 2 pills and taking them with the last of his drink. He knew Dean was watching him he could feel it. He didn't want to think about it though, he wanted to shut the door on everything that wasn't Dean and the little temporary reality they had created. Thankfully Dean didn't mention it and they focused their attentions back to the TV.

Cas hadn't noticed his wet cheeks, until Dean reached over and wiped the fallen tears away with a gentle touch and a worried look.

"Are you okay?"

"I am in this moment."

Dean didn't respond to that, there was nothing he could really say, Cas was acting weird. Weirder than usual, the way he spoke sounded so ominous, so serious. A lump formed in his throat and his stomach twisted. Suddenly Dean felt like crying too and he didn't know why. Cas noticed his over thinking, the hard set of his shoulders, the way his fingertips began to dug into the duvet and he couldn't do it. He couldn't sit there and watch Dean's anxiety keep in front of his eyes, it almost broke his heart to see the boy fight an internal war in silence before him. Slowly and carefully he reached out and touched his left hand, Dean's eyes shot up, he watched as Cas lifted his hand, raised it to his mouth and slowly kissed his fingers. Their eyes were locked as he slowly peppered Dean's soft fingertips with butterfly kisses.

"You're the first person to see me in a very long time." He whispered into his skin.

"I like what I see."

"You shouldn't." he shot back, the words taking both by surprise.

"Why?" Dean asked, he was getting frustrated by the ever present dance they seem to be doing.

"I'm not a nice person Dean. I'm not. For many reasons, but, you make me want to be better, but I don't know if I can." Dean had no idea what possessed him to do it, but he reached out to comfort the boy. He held him in his arms as he told his things he had never vocalised before.

"I grew up being told every day I was worthless, that I would amount to nothing. I have seen horrible people Cas. I have seen their fists pounding into my mum and felt those fits turn to me. I have lived with a bad person, I watched as he destroyed my life and drank away his. I know bad people. You're not a bad person." Cas was clinging to him in return attempting to give comfort in much the same way. "I'm not stupid. I know you're keeping something from me." Cas' grip tightened slightly "But I know that you are inherently good." Rolled Cas onto his back dean loomed over him for a moment. Softly kissing Cas' freshly wet cheeks before continuing. "You're sweet and funny, and I know how hard you've tried to hide yourself. You have gotten everyone fooled into thinking you're someone else, because you don't think you're good enough. You are."

"I guess we're both a little broken." It was true, in so many ways. Dean had been through hell he had seen his family live through it too. He had been hurt and betrayed, no wonder Dean didn't want one night stands and doesn't trust easily. And now he was here getting the boy to trust him just to misplace it, to hurt him and for nthing. He felt sick to his stomach. He never blamed himself for how people felt with he had slept with them, he didn't need to feel guilty. They wanted him, they knew what he was like he didn't have to work for it. This though. This was on a whole new game. He manipulated and tricked a boy to like him, to trust him, to begin to fall for him, and he even began to do the same. Now? Now he's in an impossible situation, the bet is forgotten he'll tell his brothers tomorrow, this was about so much more now. "You're right, I have been hiding something."

"You don't have to tell me." Dean rushed. "You're right, let's just enjoy the moment." He guided Cas' head to his chest and played with his hair. "We can deal with everything tomorrow." Cas wasn't going to argue and melted into his touch. "Let us just remain in our own little world for a few more hours." Dean was fighting the tears as he felt cas shaking slightly, doing the same. He held the boy he had only known about a month tightly in his arms. He shouldn't feel like this, he shouldn't. He knew it was over he knew that whatever Cas had to say to him meant whatever was happening between them, that whatever they had the potential to be was gone. He had a pretty good idea as to what it was, Cas was going to tell him, it was a joke, a game, he hadn't meant it, maybe there was someone else, any one of these would have devastated him. He wasn't mad, he thought he would be but he's not, because he knows Cas feels at least something for him, he knows Cas wouldn't be a dick about it. Whatever the secret, the boy knew that the moment they were sharing, was real and was all they had in front of them, they had one night together. They didn't speak it, but as they slowly dropped off to sleep, they both understood.

Hope you liked it :)

so Cas have some decisions to make and some truths to tell

why do I always make my boys suffer?!