If any of you have read my Harry Potter fics, you already know what to expect from this one. However, as this is my first THG fic, I must admit that I don't know what people like in this fandom, so if you are not fans of somewhat morbid crackfics, please take the opportunity to run away now.
This fic contains an alternate ending to the entire series, and one of the many fitting ends I have envisioned for President Snow. He struck me as the kind of man who was not only evil, but also just plain petty. So here is my take on what a day in his life might look like.
A Day in the Life of President Snow
5:00 AM: Wake to the dulcet sound of a girl from District Two singing. Press snooze by punching her in the stomach.
5:15 AM: Wake to the same singing. Press snooze again.
5:30 AM: Wake to the sound of the same girl weeping and singing at the same time. Crawl out of bed; have attendants collect her tears.
6:00 AM: Leave presidential palace sharply dressed as ever.
6:45 AM: Arrive at Seneca Crane's home, only to learn he is in the bathtub. Enter anyway.
6:48 AM: Make hearty breakfast from things in Gamemaker Crane's kitchen—eggs, ham, toast, orange juice. Realize he has a very nice toaster.
7:00 AM: Finish hearty breakfast. Unplug very nice toaster and carry it down the hall.
7:01 AM: Barge into Crane's bathroom. Ignore his screaming and plug in toaster.
7:02 AM: Drop toaster into bathtub, silencing the soft-hearted Gamemaker's screams once and for all.
7:05 AM: Leave Crane residence without doing breakfast dishes.
7:20 AM: Board train bound for District Twelve. See that door attendant has stupid dog. Kick door attendant in groin.
7:20-8:59 AM: Sit in presidential compartment pondering how very much I hate Katniss Everdeen.
9:00 AM: Get interrupted by attendant with the stupid dog; listen to his announcement that we will be arriving in twenty minutes.
9:01 AM: Have attendant's dog killed for his master's impudence at interrupting my thoughts.
9:15 AM: Drink a protein-rich glass of stupid dog blood. Watch attendant vomit when I offer him some. Wrinkle nose.
9:20 AM: Disembark in District Twelve's grubby station, carefully avoiding vomit.
9:40 AM: Arrive at Everdeen residence. Enjoy Mrs. Everdeen's look of shock when I show my face.
9:40-9:50 AM: Peruse Miss Everdeen's collection of literature.
9:51 AM: Hear Miss Everdeen enter. Savor her look of shock when I turn my smoldering eyes upon her.
9:52-10:10 AM: Threaten Miss Everdeen.
10:11 AM: Leave Everdeen residence.
10:12 AM: Urinate in Miss Everdeen's rosebushes.
10:22 AM: Get accosted by girl begging on the side of the street. Throw dirt in her tin cup; spit in it for good measure.
10:23 AM: Realize I enjoy the sound of her weeping even more than I enjoy that of my current alarm clock. Offer girl a position as my new alarm clock.
10:24 AM: Give girl more dirt when she says she'll think about it. Smile this time.
10:30 AM: See ugly cat twitch its tail at me. Drive boot into ugly cat's ribs.
10:34 AM: Arrive at train station. Grow irritated when I realize next train is not due for another twenty-six minutes.
10:35 AM: Roll eyes when personal bodyguard looks at his phone.
10:36 AM: Feel interest revive when bodyguard mentions a new historical artifact has been uncovered. Tell him I will have him flogged if it is another copy of Twilight.
10:37 AM: Hear bodyguard chuckle. Listen with renewed interest as he explains that it is a recording from legendary auditory torturer Rebecca Black.
10:38 AM: Ask bodyguard if it is "Friday."
10:39 AM: Hear bodyguard confirm that it is, indeed, the song that caused Old Earth's downfall.
10:40-10:44 AM: Grin evilly.
11:00 AM: Board train.
A Day in the Life of Buttercup
9:30 AM: Return from hunting in woods to find Catnip has done the same.
9:31 AM: Meow loudly, wondering if Catnip has managed to find any of the plant she was named for.
9:32 AM: Learn that she has not.
9:33 AM: Purr loudly as Catnip scratches my head. Purr louder when she calls me an "ugly little thing." She says the sweetest things.
9:40 AM: Watch Catnip leave the house.
9:41 AM: Decide to take a walk around District Twelve.
9:50 AM: Find rat. Catch and eat it.
10:00 AM: Find previously unknown substance. Bat it around with paws.
10:25 AM: See beggar girl crying beside street. Rub up against her, purring loudly.
10:26 AM: Hear girl tearfully pour out story about President Snow giving her dirt. Realize this is the same President Snow Catnip and Primrose fear.
10:27 AM: Hear girl call me the best kitty in the world. Decide this girl is smarter than she looks. Depart from girl with one last prrrrrrrROW.
10:29 AM: See President Snow walking down street; twitch tail.
10:30 AM: Get kicked in the ribs by President Snow.
10:31-10:34 AM: Recover from blow; follow President Snow to train station.
10:36 AM: Locate President Snow's compartment.
10:37 AM: Board train. Hide in overhead compartment.
11:00 AM: Twitch tail as President Snow boards train.
11:00 AM-12:00 PM: Wait patiently until President Snow settles in for a nap.
12:01 PM: Land on Snow's headrest without making a sound.
12:02 PM: Hang head over Snow's face so my eyes are level with his.
12:03-12:04 PM: Purr.
12:05 AM: Snow startles awake. Silence his scream with a paw over his lips.
12:05-12:15 PM: Relieve President of his internal organs.
12:16 PM: Make comfortable bed out of President's internal organs. Sit on them, purring and cleaning paws.
12:20 PM: Train stops. Attendant with a District Two look about him takes one look at the compartment before stumbling back, swearing.
12:21 PM: Attendant comes forward, palm out for me to sniff. "Good kitty," he says.
12:22 PM: Sniff attendant's hand. Sense no deception.
12:23 PM: Allow attendant to scratch my ears, purring loudly as he repeats "Good kitty! Good kitty!"
12:30-well past midnight: Recline on sedan chair as grateful citizens of District Two parade me through the streets.