He knew how to touch her to drive her to the brink. Then to slowly kiss her and caress her with care to bring her back down, not completely before he drove back in sending her to the place she craved once they began. She cared for him too and desired to make him happy as well. Complying and freely doing what he liked. She had never been one to shy away from experimentation. If you could call it that with him. He wouldn't do it if she wasn't comfortable. But when the need for satisfaction weighed out the embarrassment factor she was willing to try almost anything. Tonight was one of those nights. He was leaving in the morning. Three months this time. Three months across the country, ocean and halfway across the planet. Tonight they were saying goodbye for a while. They took it slow. She put more effort, gave more of herself to him this night, more than almost any other time. He mirrored her, touching her softer, longer, kissing her with more depth and care. They slowly but surely built each other up to the sweet crescendo.

She smiled appreciatively at the man lying sweaty next to her. He knew all the things she needed when she needed it. He was sweet and giving and caring, always putting her needs ahead of his. Being there for her, even when he didn't quite understand what she was going through. He never asked more of her than she was willing to give.

She fell asleep in his arms. He fell asleep holding her, hoping he wouldn't have to leave her for this long again. All the progress they, he, had made always seemed to almost disappear when he was gone for this long. He hoped that letters would be enough to keep them strong, not having to regain all the trust and care they had gained already. He fell asleep hoping and praying that she didn't pull away from him again.

In the morning they got ready and she drove him to the airport. At his terminal he pulled her in to kiss her. He kissed her soundly, almost too intimate for the public place they were. He pulled back, with her still enveloped in his arms, and rested his forehead on hers. She smiled softly into his look of longing and loneliness already. "It will be alright." She said reassuring him.

"I love you, Kate." He said pulling back leaving her hands in his.

Her eyes widened at his utterance. She wasn't ready to repeat that. Not here. Not with him. She tried to keep her composure as the panic seeped into her veins as she tried to think of a response.

"Goodbye, Josh. Have a safe flight." She said kissing his cheek and backing up, letting him walk away.

She watched as his plane took off. She turned and headed back to the exit of the airport. She thought about what he had said and how she responded to him. She had known for a while. The way he looked at her, the way he touched her, how he was patient with her, it all spoke to something greater than care.

She knew she cared for him not only as a person but as a man, a man who was in love with her. A man, she sighed, who she was not in love with. A man who was a distraction a substitute for who she was really in love with. She pushed the thought aside, not willing it to bring up fresh emotions of pain that he might not love her back. No for now she would be with someone who she knew loved her.

She exited the airport and took a taxi to the precinct. Wanting to keep her head clear, and noting that all she had to do was paper work, she called Castle and told him she didn't need his help that day and for him to work on meeting his deadline.

She sighed as she ended the call, turning to her desk and attacking the files on her desk. She looked up and sighed again noting the lack of coffee on her desk. No Castle, No Coffee. She rose and headed to the break room for a cup.

"Josh leave this morning?" Esposito asked as he poured the coffee into his mug.

"Yeah, I took him to the airport." She replied taking the pot graciously from him.

"Does he really have to leave you like this so much?" He said turning to face her.

"It's his last trip over seas. He put in a notice with the hospital that he has to stay in state at least for now." She said taking a sip and reveling in the instant warmth to her body from the heat and caffeine of the liquid in her cup.

"Well he better make it up to you or I'm gonna hurt his ass." He said protectively. Kate was like a sister to him. He still hadn't decided if he like motorcycle boy yet. There was something off about him it seemed to Esposito. Either that or he saw how she wasn't completely happy with him. Not like she was when she was with Castle. He had always thought that they would be together by now, but obviously they couldn't see it or were too stubborn to admit their feelings for one another.

"Javi, it's ok Josh would never do anything to hurt me." She said trying to calm him down a little. She knew he was very protective of her. He knew everything that she had gone through and had seen her in the precinct in her early days as a cop. He knew every struggle she had had in the past be it with a case or the fact of her mother's murder and her father's drunkenness.

"Ok, just remember I only want what's best for you. By the way where's Castle?" he asked.

"Oh I just have paper work to do I told him he didn't need to come down and help. So he is home writing." She said.

"Oh ok well me and Ryan have a small case that we are finishing up on so I'm gonna go hit it with my boy ok?" He asked.

"Ok, yeah. I know Montgomery will like another closed case for the 12th." She said smiling at him.

"Ok, See you later, Beckett." With that he was gone, leaving to pick up Ryan to pursue their lead.

Later that night Beckett let herself into her empty apartment. She wandered over to her answering machine. One new message. She hit the button, listening to the message.

Josh's voice echoed through her living room.

"Hey, Kate. I'm here at the village. I just wanted to let you know I got here safe and my flight was fine. There are a lot of people here that are sick. I hope I can help them all. Well, my time on a phone is limited so I have to go. I love you. Bye."

She was glad he had made it there safe. Now for the next three months… she thought to herself. She opened the fridge and smiled. He had stocked her fridge for her with food. He knows me so well she thought. Normally she would have ordered take out, but tonight she wanted something light. She pulled out some lettuce and some tomato, carrots, cucumber and some parmesan cheese. She made herself a nice sized salad and topped it with ranch dressing and croutons. She sat on the bar stool to her counter and sipped her wine, willing her body to relax. The tension not quite easing from her shoulder she decided to do what relaxed her most. She grabbed Naked Heat off of her book shelf and headed to her bath room.

After a luxurious bubble bath soaking and reading she pulled on her soft cotton night gown and settled in the covers. Sleeping alone lately had become a rarity. With her relaxed state though, she had no problem falling asleep.

The next morning she decided to skip the news and actually make herself a balanced and nutritious breakfast instead of her morning bear claw. They had a case today and she needed all the energy she could muster. She called Castle after she was finished and told him the address and to meet her there.

Castle stood there staring at the tv. On the screen before him was the breaking news of a gang outbreak in Africa. The outbreak had happened in the village Josh was supposed to be serving. He gasped as they showed the video of the huts burning after they had been set on fire. He watched in horror as a masked assailant led a man out into the open and shot him multiple times. His limp body falling to the ground. Tears streaked Castles face as he realized who that man was. They flowed even harder at the thought of a certain woman and what that man had meant to her. How she would have to deal with yet another murder of someone she cared about. He practically choked when his phone rang and it was her.

Not knowing if she knew yet or not, he answered cautiously, trying to keep his composure and not give anything away if she didn't know. She told him they had a case and the address and to meet her there. He hung up knowing that she had no knowledge of Josh's murder.

Later at the precinct, after they had swept the crime scene, Castle found Esposito in the break room.

She watched as Castle and Esposito had a conversation in the break room. She had already noted how different in demeanor Castle was today. He had been completely calm when he had arrived at the crime scene. No sign of witty, annoying 9 year old anywhere. He didn't even crack a joke as Dr. Parish gave them the stats on the victim. Esposito too had seemed on edge today too, making sure that he and Ryan didn't do anything to upset her. It was starting to make her worry that something was wrong and she was the only one who didn't know what's going on.

"She doesn't know does she?" Castle asked Esposito.

"No man, how are we going to tell her?" Esposito said looking out at Kate at her desk.

"I don't know I am not a cop I haven't had to inform anyone that their loved one was murdered." Rick said chewing on his thumb in anxiety. Ryan came up behind him and looked out at Beckett too.

"Why does it have to happen to her again? Hasn't she gone through enough with her mom?" He sighed. It was a sympathetic sigh for his boss. The woman he cared deeply for as a sister, the woman who he wished didn't go through so much pain.

Esposito saw her get up and start to head to the break room to join them or see what was going on. "I will tell her. If that's ok with you two?" He said looking at Kevin and Rick. The both nodded.

"Hey, guys what's going on? Anyone want to tell me why we are all hanging out in the break room?" Kat said putting a hand on her hip. He tone and stance made Javier cringe inside for what he was about to do to her. She noticed the look of pain and sympathy on Javi's face. Immediately she knew she was right earlier. Something was wrong.

"I need to tell you something Kate. Come with me." Javier said as he gently took her forearm and lead her into an empty conference room.

She followed him blindly trying to think of what could be wrong. Her father, Oh Goodness no! Please! She started to panic.

"Javi, what is it?! Is it my dad? Is he ok?" she said grabbing his arm tightly.

Esposito merely shook his head. She was confused now. He placed his hands on her shoulders and gently pushed her to sit down telling he to take a deep breath.

In the break room Castle and Ryan saw Esposito sit Beckett down to tell her. They watched as he held her hands and told her that Josh had been killed. She ripped her hands away from him and said "What! NO I have a message from him! From last night…." She said covering her mouth with her hand.

Castle couldn't bear to watch as she was cast to the wolves again in her life, leaving her fend for herself in the harsh gnashing world.

Ryan watched as sobs wracked the body of the strong woman that he looked up to. Pain hit him in the gut with a force as if someone had physically punched him in the stomach. He hated seeing Kate like this, fragile, broken, vulnerable.

She broke down and fell into Esposito's arms. She just held herself there letting someone hold her. She didn't care if anyone saw. She knew people around her knew she was strong. This didn't feel like a weakness to her, she had just lost another person that she cared about. I mean even the strongest were allowed to cry every once in a while. Now was her time. She cried for him, she cried for herself and most of all she cried for all the people that he left behind, hurting from not having him. She cried for not appreciating him as much as she should have.

When she had stopped crying Javier pulled back to wipe the remaining tears from her eyes. "You need to go home for a few days. I don't want to see you here until next Monday ok? Ryan and I just wrapped up our case. We will take lead on your case. If we need any information we can call you or come by." He said hugging her one last time before he released her and pushed her out of the room and to her desk.

He watched as she dazedly grabbed her things from her chair and walked numbly to the elevator.