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Of Twisted Technology and Torrid Romance
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Summary: The autocorrect in Dom's new phone is still giving him issues. Romance is hard enough without typos.
Rating: M (for language and sexy-ish texts)
Genre: Humor, or my attempt at it!
Disclaimer: I do not own Fast and the Furious. The people who doown it probably wouldn't let Dom look like this much of an idiot.
Timeline: Post the first movie and established Relationship for Dom and Brian. After Of Twisted Technology and Miscommunications.
(IMPORTANT!) Basic idea, for those who don't know: Smart phones have a feature that will automatically correct what you actually want to say to what your phone THINKS you want to say, with mixed results. You really need to visit the site DAMN YOU AUTOCORRECT to fully understand. This story is in the same vein as Of Twisted Technology and Miscommunications, but can certainly stand alone.
THANK YOU SO MUCH TO THE REVIEWERS ON 'OF TWISTED TECHNOLOGY AND MISCOMMUNICATIONS' I never intended the first to be anything more than a one-shot, but the response was so overwhelming and appreciated, I felt I had to do more as a thank you, since so many people said so many kind things while simultaneously demanding more. Seriously, I am beyond grateful.
-…-…-
New Txt Message:
5:52pm
V: Hey man, come out with me tonight
DT: This isn't another sexy girl ambush is it?
V: Maybe…
V: DDs man… all natural – SISTERS
DT: What part of committed rectalexams don't you understand?
V: ALL OF IT
V: do you have to spell it out like that, D?
DT: *relationship
DT: Although, after a few coronas tonight I can probably make that rectal exam thing come true…
V: Nevermind, you perverted asshole
DT: Be at the garage by 9 tomorrow… Enjoy the DDs and don't be late
V: Asshole
DT: you already said that
V: it's still true
-…-…-
New Txt Message:
3:12pm
DT: Letty, I need to know if you're in tonight or not
Letty: For what?
DT: What do we ever do?
DT: drag raping
Letty: Does that mean I get to fuck YOU? Because I will, Dom. Maybe I'll leave you high and dry halfway thru and find Brian
DT: racing, Leticia
Letty: V told me your phone was fucked up, but he didn't tell me it would know my deepest desire and suggest it
DT: can it, Letty
Letty: not joking, Dom
3:20pm
DT: …
DT: I know
-…-…-
New Txt Message:
6:43pm
DT: Vince and I are going out for drinks… want to come?
O'Conner: Nah, you guys have fun
DT: You sure? We can get you an anusturner
O'Conner: Is that a drink? It doesn't sound fun, that's for sure
DT: *Anusturner
DT: *** APPLETINI
6:50pm
DT: I was trying… forget it
O'Conner: I love when you try to make me look stupid but your phone turns the tables on you!
O'Conner: thank you, Dom's Phone!
-…-…-
New Txt Message:
2:35pm
O'Conner: I forgot, we need corona, cocoa puffs, lube and the stuff for dinner tonight
2:41pm
DT: Do we need tatas?
O'Conner: Not that I'm aware of… unless you're telling me you miss boobs
DT: tomatoes
DT: do we need them?
O'Conner: Yeah
DT: I can see your raised eyebrow and stupid grin from here, go ahead, make me think you're upset about the tatas autocorrect so I can apologize like an idiot
O'Conner: Nah, I'll give you this one for free.
DT: So what, after the first thirty seven autocorrects I get one free?
O'Conner: Pretty much
DT: I'll holding you to this
-…-…-
New Txt Message:
2:43pm
Letty: You ever coming back to your own fucking garage?
2:50pm
DT: Sorry, Letty, on my way
DT: anal went on a little too long
Letty: you've got to be kidding, fucker
Letty: newsflash, dick, girls don't like constant reminders that their exes decided to play for the other team
DT: my nap, jesus
Letty: don't even try it, Dom
DT: I'm being strenuous, Brian's not even here
DT: *serious
Letty: fuck you
DT: I give up
-…-…-
New Txt Message:
10:13am
O'Conner: I'll be down at the garage at 11, I think. Anything you need?
DT: Can you get Crisco slick for me?
O'Conner: What's so special about Crisco?
O'Conner: I'm not saying no, but that seems messy
DT: *Caught up
DT: I'll behind on some of the invoices… mind doing a few?
O'Conner: Kinda messy or really boring…
O'Conner: Sure I can't take the first option?
10:20am
DT: Haha
O'Conner: ?
DT: Oh
-…-…-
New Txt Message:
12:33pm
O'Conner: letty just sent me a weird text… I don't know how to respond
DT: What did she soy?
DT: *say
O'Conner: That she was bringing her new boyfriend to the barbecue this weekend and I wasn't allowed to be too friendly
DT: She was kidding
O'Conner: Are you sure?
DT: Joking is a good sign
O'Conner: Okay, what should I say back?
DT: Make some joke about asking for permission to fuck with him
O'Conner: you sure?
DT: Yeah
12:36pm
DT: WAIT!
DT: *************FLIRT! Permission to FLIRT with him!
O'Conner: Are you fucking kidding me? I already texted her
DT: Jesus, Bri
O'Conner: that's what you said to say! I thought it was a little much, but you said you were sure!
DT: Shit, her phone just got the text
O'Conner: steal it from her! Delete it!
DT: I can't just rap it out of her hands!
DT: *rip
O'Conner: You and your fucking phone
O'Conner: I'll handle this
DT: You're calling her?
DT: Bri, what are you saying to her?
12:40pm
DT: fuck, answer me, she just went outside
12:43pm
O'Conner: It's fine, crisis averted
DT: what did you say? She's grinning at me all creepy
O'Conner: None of your concern
DT: Is this some kind of weird double team punishment?
O'Conner: Yep
DT: I don't like it
O'Conner: well I don't like being threatened with castration over a text that you told me to send, so now we're even
DT: You don't intend on teaming up with Letty often, do you?
DT: Brian?
12:50pm
DT: Fuck
-…-…-
New Txt Message:
12:57am
DT: Want some sperm?
O'Conner: is that some strange way of asking for a blowjob?
DT: Soda
DT: Although…
O'Conner: Bring some sprite to the bedroom and we'll see about the rest…
-…-…-
New Txt Message:
11:46am
DT: Vince said you left in a rope
DT: *rush
DT: Something piss you off?
Letty: Fucking maxima
DT: Want me to help with your tampon?
Letty: …
DT: Tune up… fuck, Letty, sorry.
Letty: I don't know… as I recall you always kind of liked that time of the month
DT: Give me a fucking break, Leticia
-…-…-
New Txt Message:
5:11pm
DT: Due God fix the leash dickwhistle BATHTOWN?
O'Conner: I'm getting pretty good at interpreting your autocorrect nightmares, but I'm totally stumped.
DT: Did gloop flash the sink dong in the bathmat?
DT: SHEEP!
DT: autocurtains suck
O'Conner: Got one: autocorrect sucks.
DT: Dallop God flesh the slip drip on the bathroom?
O'Conner: WTF?
DT: C A L L I N G Y O U
O'Conner: please do, I'm dying to know what you want
-…-…-
New Txt Message:
9:57am
CaraMia: So why is Brian so pissed at you?
DT: Hippy fit
CaraMia: He wants to be a hippy?
DT: *Hissy Fit
DT: I defiled him at the bar last night and now he thinks that I think he's a godchild
CaraMia: You defiled him? I don't even want to know, but if you did something to him in public then he has every right to be pissed!
DT: *ducked him… *girl
CaraMia: Oh Jesus Dom, forget I asked!
DT: DEFENDED HIM – some dick was saying nasty shit to him and I punched the guy
DT: calm down Mia
CaraMia: In an hour I'll say it was sweet, but right now I'm on Brian's side
DT: Aren't you always on Brian's side?
-…-…-
New Txt Message:
3:21pm
Letty: Am I expected to bring anything to this bbq?
DT: Only if you want to
DT: We're covered on liquor and meat, Vince and Leon have snack shit and Hector's bringing some crazy barbeque sauce we're supposed to use
DT: Maybe something sweet? Mamasita melons?
Letty: Last I checked, you didn't want this mamasita's melons anymore
3:27pm
DT: The shit I could say
DT: How many months have to go by before I can fight back?
Letty: Many, MANY more
-…-…-
New Txt Message:
4:28pm
O'Conner: Heading to the store, want anything?
DT: We're out of chips, get something like that
4:35pm
O'Conner: Okay, Doritos?
DT: Nah maybe FISTMEHARDER!
O'Conner: Um
DT: Jesus
4:41pm
O'Conner: … want me to grab more lube?
DT: NO
DT: Well, sure, we're almost out. But I meant Funions
O'Conner: Oh god… fucking funions. You freaked me out
DT: I think I freaked myself out
-…-…-
New Txt Message:
11:52am
DT: If I get one more request for your number from people who were at the bbq, I'm gonna kill, Mia
CaraMia: Who wants my number?
DT: Hector's girlfriend, Macy, Carla from next door…
CaraMia: Why?
DT: Tips, I guess. Everyone loves your sloppy bjs
CaraMia: WHAT!
CaraMia: Who's been going around saying I give sloppy BJs? That's disgusting… and not true!
11:58am
DT: *Sloppy Joes
DT: I never want to discuss this again
CaraMia: Oh my god, Dom…
DT: Quiet now, Mia Angelina
-…-…-
New Txt Message:
5:14pm
DT: You like Chinese dicks, right?
O'Conner: Can't say I've ever given them a whirl
O'Conner: I'm a little surprised you're asking
O'Conner: I would have guessed you were way too possessive for a threesome
DT: I am, don't even think about it
DT: But if you want some Dumplings, I have some left over
O'Conner: Yum
O'Conner: Me love you long time
DT: Freak
-…-…-
New Txt Message:
3:31pm
O'Conner: So what's the plan?
DT: Don't know
DT: Want to do a enema later?
O'Conner: This isn't a request you send via text, dom
DT: What's the problem?
3:34pm
O'Conner: Are you joking?
DT: I'm fucking crazed all day and you get bitchy about one request?
O'Conner: Dude you want to try something new, we can talk about it but don't throw shit out there randomly and expect total agreement
DT: how is this new?
O'Conner: I think I'd remember you playing doctor with an at home enema kit, you fucker
DT: wtf?
3:36pm
DT: Shit, sorry babe
DT: a maxima… could you look over it for me when you get here? We're swamped
O'Conner: I was shitting bricks, man
DT: I should know better than to send shit and not check it, I'll make it up to you… not with an enema
DT: Unless you want one
O'Conner: stfu
-…-…-
New Txt Message:
10:25am
O'Conner: It's going to be like 95 today
DT: get your ASSSPRITZ going
O'Conner: My ass spritz? How do I make that happen and how would it help?
DT: a/c
DT: adding symbols drinks it nuts
O'Conner: drinking nuts and ass spritz? Your phone is on a fucking roll
-…-…-
New Txt Message:
6:11pm
Letty: You tell Vince he's a fucker and you guys can see if you can do better
DT: What's the prolapse?
DT: problem?
Letty: I won the race and he's talking shit
DT: not like you never talk shit, Letty
Letty: I'd win again, hands down
DT: think you can milk both of us?
Letty: You changing the rules here, Dominic?
DT: that's not what I meant and you know it
-…-…-
New Txt Message:
10:39am
CaraMia: Best behavior, Dom, I mean it
CaraMia: No big brother with a shotgun routine
DT: only some
DT: how else am I going to know if he's going be gay on you?
CaraMia: It's not an epidemic for guys I date!
DT: No, Mia I meant I want to talk to him and see if he's got hard
CaraMia: 1st guy I bring to meet you after the whole Brian mess and this is how you act?
DT: FUCK
DT: *got honor
DT: I want to make sure he's a good guy
DT: Nothing else
10:50am
CaraMia: forget the whole thing
DT: Mia, I'm sorry
CaraMia: stay away from my boyfriends
-…-…-
New Txt Message:
4:01pm
DT: Can you pick up the ribbits?
O'Conner: Huh?
DT: *relapse
DT: robots?
O'Conner: I'd love to pick up robots.
DT: *rice-a-roni
DT: FUCK
DT: R E C E I P T S
O'Conner: That's not nearly as fun
DT: Fucking do it
O'Conner: I'd make you say please, but who knows how long it would take
-…-…-
New Txt Message:
2:17pm
DT: Just finished the Supra, did a cumshot in front of everyone
O'Conner: I guess if there was any boyfriend who would understand public masturbation over a car, it would be me… but still
DT: What?
O'Conner: Cumshot?
DT: *Holshot
O'Conner: Muuuuuch better
-…-…-
New Txt Message:
5:13pm
DT: Where's the last corona?
O'Conner: I don't know what you're talking about
DT: You little sniffle bug
O'Conner: you sound like mommy dearest
DT: *shank bomb
DT: shartripper
O'Conner: Shart Ripper? That sounds painful
DT: *skanky bob
O'Conner: keep 'em coming…
DT: fuck you
-…-…-
New Txt Message:
7:03pm
O'Conner: You home soon?
7:12pm
DT: Yeah, soon
DT: Letty and I are playing a Lolita game
O'Conner: Are you fucking serious?
O'Conner: what kinky shit is that?
DT: *plowing a towing guy
O'Conner: wtf?
DT: *paying
DT: I don't know where Lolita came from, honest
7:20pm
DT: Brian?
DT: You know it's an autocorrect, don't jerk me around
O'Conner: I'm pretty sure I was going to kill you
DT: And now?
O'Conner: Take your time coming home
-…-…-
New Txt Message:
3:54pm
DT: Sorry babe, heading out now
O'Conner: No problem, Leon and I were hanging
DT: Took anal with Mia, lost track of time
O'Conner: I can see how anal incest with your little sister could be time consuming
DT: *anal
O'Conner: I understand, Dom. Who doesn't like anal with family?
DT: *ANAL
O'Conner: Yes: you, Mia, anal… you don't have to keep telling me
DT: * a
DT: N A P
DT: We fell asleep
O'Conner: I figured
DT: you ass
O'Conner: Sure you don't mean Mia's?
-…-…-
New Txt Message:
1:43pm
DT: the papacy sent you a letter
O'Conner: Wow, that's some dedication to the fight against homosexuality
O'Conner: I'm assuming that's the only reason the Pope would contact me
DT: *Police Academy
DT: Seems like a request for donations
O'Conner: I'm actually a little bummed
O'Conner: A letter from the pope would have been kind of awesome, even if he just wanted to tell me my soul is damned
DT: Sorry, babe
-…-…-
New Txt Message:
12:12pm
DT: We're heading out soon, Brian's playing with my anus
Letty: fuck you, dom
Letty: get your own parts
Letty: I'm finding some guy hotter than you and fucking him until he cries
12:18pm
DT: *ABS
DT: Anti-lock breaks on the new car
Letty: you have to be kidding
DT: nope, ask him
Letty: listen, you need to stop texting me until you get a new phone
-…-…-
New Txt Message:
7:24pm
DT: Plan on ever getting here?
7:31pm
O'Conner: I'm coming, don't be a dick
DT: are you in your period?
O'Conner: That's being a dick
O'Conner: I'm on my fucking way what else do you want?
DT: *Pontiac
DT: are you bringing the Pontiac?
DT: come on, Bri, I'm just asking – take your time
O'Conner: yes, I'm in the Pontiac, yes I'm taking my time and yes, you're a dick
DT: that last one wasn't a question
O'Conner: I agree
-…-…-
New Txt Message:
12:34pm
DT: How many inches can you handle?
O'Conner: Oh, I think you know the answer to that
DT: ha, yeah babe
DT: I meant how many sandwiches
DT: Mia's making lunch
O'Conner: damn… I thought you were gearing up for something fun
O'Conner: I'm probably good with one
12:39pm
O'Conner: tuna
DT: you and your fucking tuna
-…-…-
New Txt Message:
11:29am
DT: the whore gang is going to be here soon
O'Conner: fun, and it's not even my birthday
DT: very funny
DT: *whole group
11:40am
O'Conner: so wait, I get Vince instead of whores?
O'Conner: you owe me big
DT: I'll make it up to you later
-…-…-
New Txt Message:
7:14pm
DT: I said I was sorry, assmunch
O'Conner: is that some kind of insult?
O'Conner: nice apology, Dom
DT: that's not what I meant
DT: *ammoMINUTE
DT: *Alaskan man
DT: *anteater
DT: Ant-eater? Are you fucking kidding me?
DT: Amante
DT: yeah, that one, you know 'lover'
O'Conner: smooth trying to use the Italian when you know I love it
O'Conner: but your phone can't even handle English, you idiot
DT: I know
O'Conner: luckily it was pretty fucking funny
O'Conner: so mission accomplished, I guess
-…-…-
New Txt Message:
1:22pm
DT: you decide on the sperm sauce yet?
CaraMia: ew, Dom I have no idea what you're talking about
CaraMia: … do you need to talk to Brian?
DT: No, Mia, sorry
DT: the spoiler size for your new car
1:29pm
CaraMia: Dom, I'm getting really tired of this phone
DT: me too
CaraMia: I don't know about the spoiler, I'll figure it out soon
DT: Thanks
CaraMia: This conversation never happened
DT: agreed
-…-…-
New Txt Message:
1:52pm
CaraMia: So where was Brian before?
DT: Home
DT: He's just a sore lover
CaraMia: Excuse me? You hurt him so bad he couldn't even stop by for lunch?
CaraMia: just because he's a guy too doesn't mean you can be so rough, Dom
2:07pm
DT: *loser
DT: He lost a bet so he was sulking
2:15pm
CaraMia: Oh
CaraMia: I'm really sorry Dom
DT: Brian was reading over my shoulder, now he's pissed at you for thinking he's breakable or something
DT: So don't worry about it, at least he's not pissed at me anymore
CaraMia: Give me five minutes
DT: Motherfucker
-…-…-
New Txt Message:
12:49pm
DT: I got a princealbert for you
LeonCell: Um… no thanks
DT: what do you mean? You love it
12:52pm
LeonCell: It's Leon
DT: I know?
LeonCell: Are you sure you don't mean to text Brian?
DT: What does he have to do with anything? It's for you
1:01pm
LeonCell: Not that I'm not flattered man, but I'm straight and this is awkward
DT: I have no idea what you're talking about
LeonCell: Look I'm sorry you pierced your dick for me, but yeah, no way
DT: WTF?
LeonCell: Prince Albert piercing?
DT: Jesus, I didn't notice
DT: *pepperoni pizza
DT: I went down to Pizza Post and got you pepperoni and vince his nasty anchovies
LeonCell: Fucking hell man, I almost shit myself
DT: Sorry Leon
LeonCell: When my gut unclenches it's going to be fucking hilarious, so don't worry about it
DT: You're like the first person to say that. Thank you
-…-…-
New Txt Message:
1:55pm
DT: Well, that went better than I thought it would
DT: I was furiously masturbating all morning
O'Conner: ?
O'Conner: You could have woken me up, I'd help out happily
DT: thanks, babe
DT: * furiously finishing
DT: the invoices
O'Conner: Okay, good, I felt guilty
DT: No need… trust me
-…-…-
New Txt Message:
3:19pm
DT: You've got a musky snatch
3:23pm
O'Conner: …I don't know how to respond to that
DT: *munchy pooter
DT: *milky polyp
O'Conner: polyp?
DT: *muggy slit
O'Conner: I can't breathe Dom, I'm dying
DT: I'll wait five and clap you
DT:*clit you
DT: *C A L L yoshi
DT: I glup up
-…-…-
New Txt Message:
12:01pm
DT: Do you think I have a c-cup?
O'Conner: This is a trick question
O'Conner: are you still pissed about the manboob thing?
DT: Wow
DT: c-cup = c-clamp
O'Conner: Oh, yeah, I'm sure we have one around here somewhere
DT: Thanks for reminding me about the manboob thing though
O'Conner: your phone did… keep me out of it
-…-…-
New Txt Message:
9:56am
DT: I never found the gspot
O'Conner: Then what's Letty so pissed about still?
O'Conner: you'd think that was a hint and a plus for breaking up
10:09am
DT: …
DT: *gloves
DT: thanks for the faith, Brian
O'Conner: I can't stop laughing
-…-…-
New Txt Message:
5:55pm
O'Conner: 6 month anniversary in a week
DT: yeah
O'Conner: I've got the perfect present for you
O'Conner: I'm buying you a new phone
DT: I lube you
DT: *love
DT: Although you'll be getting a lot of the other in thanks
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I'm a bit more confident posting this time around, but any and all feedback would still be greatly appreciated, especially if you'd like to see more in this little universe of Dom's hellish phone.
I hope you all enjoyed!