Ren's Note:

Just the wrap-up to this piece. Kept the ambiguous flavor, but I thought Shepard's signal should be unique to each love interest.

Lines from Invictus by William Henley (the poem Ashley reads when she becomes a Spectre)
Title of both chapters are song titles from the ME3 OST

Thanks for the memories, Bioware. It's been a crazy ride.

I chance a glance out the window. The chaos is organizing too slowly. Not everyone will make it, I realize. It's not much warning, especially with Reaper ships pressing an assault.

How many will die trying to save themselves? And is it worse to live, to return to your own burning world? Cut off from each other after we fought so hard to unite?

The open Citadel is unsettling. With the ward arms completely peeled back, the station is a black star silhouetted against the crimson and blue of Earth on fire. It's hard to celebrate that the war will be over. Especially knowing Shepard is down there somewhere.

I am brought back to the harsh reality as Joker and EDI fight to maneuver around a torrent of panicked ships all headed for the Sol Relay. Unable to be of assistance to them, I numbly fall into the ever-empty co-pilot chair on the cockpit's port side.

Vega is dabbing medigel on a wound above my brow, but I shoo him away. I'll live. It just doesn't seem that way right now.

My hands clench and unclench at nervous intervals. I have to dig my gloved fingernails into my palms to stay focused. I think I ask Joker where it is we're going, then again a little louder.

"Remember the last time we lost a mass relay? It blew shit up. A LOT of shit. Maybe Shepard's right, that everything will be okay. Do you really want to be around when that thing goes off?" He favors me with an uncertain frown, but quickly covers with a reassuring smile before returning his attention to his console.

EDI drones on about statistics about the likelihood of a mass relay supernova or what the Crucible is capable of. I'm too distracted by the glowing comm button on the console in front of me. That's where Shepard is supposed to signal what remains of our Sword and Shield forces to abandon the Crucible. There's a constant buzzing of other comm chatter as Hackett mobilizes the Alliance forces while siphoning off what alien forces we can spare to hit the relay.

Minutes tick by as Joker swings the Normandy in dizzying loops around the open Citadel, offering what fire support he can. At least he's not a coward. Staying as long as possible before jumping off.

It's actually Specialist Traynor who chimes in to ask what we're all wondering. "Um, Joker? Where are we even going? I'm not complaining if you're looking for a nice beach planet, but it'd be nice to not be scuttled into a dead system."

Her sarcastic inflection evokes a laugh from Vega along with a "Hey, a beach planet sounds nice to me. Reaper-free." Joker just trails off, muttering. I can only catch one word and it doesn't make any sense. Triptych? Trippy? Triptee? I don't know what that is. It doesn't matter.

"Admiral, do you read me?" Shepard's voice crackles faintly onto the intercom. I shrilly shout for everyone to be quiet. Even Joker ceases his angry muttering.

"We read you, Commander."

"Just… just checking in. H-how is the retreat going?" Thick swallows accompany a wet cough. Shepard doesn't have much time. My nails dig sharply into my palms but I hold my tongue.

"We're doing the best we can, Commander. The bulk of the quarian fleet has jumped but they have more than a half dozen relays to reach the other side of the galaxy. Half the geth have followed while the other half remain behind to protect the fleets and the Crucible. They are 'not adverse to remaining in human space' since they won't consume resources."

"They can stay in the guest house," Shepard cracks weakly.

"We'll figure it out. The major turian and asari frigates have been recalled, but we're going to lose a lot of krogan. We don't have the time to arrange dropships to pick up forces already stationed on Earth. Going to be a lot of hungry krogan and turians to feed when this is over." Without Hackett's hologram nervously rubbing its neck, I can't tell if the Admiral is serious or joking.

"…that's Earth, a regular melting pot." Even Joker rolls his eyes at Shepard's lame joke. I tap the Open Comm button with my unopened fist.

"How are you holding up, Shepard?"

Is that a smile I hear in that voice? What I wouldn't give for a hologram patch in. I need to SEE Shepard, dammit. "I've been better. I blacked out once, so I'm almost ready to call it."

"Call it?"

"You know, in poker. Call the bet."

"I was never very good at poker."

"I know. I could have taught you a few things, I was pretty good." I nearly tuned out Shepard's words after the use of past tense. I could have… I was…

"You still can."

"…You need to go." Wait. I'm not ready.

Hackett chimes in, "Shepard?"

"I'm s-sorry, Hackett. I can't anymore. If I don't now, we …don't get another chance."

A long pause. I exchange a sick glance with Joker, who chews on his cheek. His hands ball up in front of his console and his head drops. We all hold our breath, then exhale sadly at odd intervals. There's no good prayer for something like this.

Hackett breaks the silence, ever the diplomat. "Understood, Commander. Sword and Shield fleets, on my signal, disengage from Reaper forces. Either head to the Sol Relay and jump to your homeworld, or get a safe FTL distance away to return to Earth when hostilities have hopefully ceased."

"Are we really doing this?" It's Vega who's the voice of doubt. Joker holds his hands over his console, rolling his thumbs over his fingertips nervously. There's no Commander here to give orders. We never really established a chain of command beyond Shepard, because there was never any point. Without Shepard, we were dead. Without Shepard, I'm dead.

"All forces, retreat!" Hackett's booming voice broke the stalemate as Joker flew back into pilot mode. I look out the portside window one last time.

It's a breathtaking sight. The sun chose this moment to peek over the far eastern side of the planet. Brilliant rays bathe the Citadel in golden light and block out the angry orange bursts on Earth below. All I can see is the dark shadows of blue and green of Earth, and the brightening intensity of the slowly spinning Citadel.

And then it's replaced by blurring blackness. Pinpricks of light zoom by as the Normandy's speed increases, marred by the blue shift bouncing off the kinetic shields.

"Reaper forces are not giving chase, Commander. We diverted about 70% of their fleet with our retreat, but now they are turning all their efforts on the Citadel. It's …now or never, Shepard." Hackett's official tone wavered, before returning, "The Fifth Fleet will give you as much time as you need. And …good luck, Shepard. Hackett out."

I start shaking. It starts in my hands and the shockwave quickly overtakes the rest of my body. I nearly fall forward, bracing my hands on the console in front of me. My eyes remain unblinking on that Comm panel, waiting for Shepard's signal. It's cruel that the last thing I will see of Shepard will be a frequency line on a computer screen.

It's all quiet with only a light whooshing sound and the hum of the kinetic barrier. Planets are whipping by the window. I recognize the tan, yellow and red mass of Jupiter as it passes. I hear Joker making a countdown to hit the relay. But it's all just white noise to me. It doesn't matter at all.

I'm not ready for this. I told Shepard I was, when we said our goodbyes. But I lied. No one is ever ready for something like this. Would it be better, if Shepard were here? Everything will be different. We lost so much, so many. Nothing will be the same ever again. We lost that comfort 3 years ago when Saren attacked Eden Prime. We were damned 50,000 years, even millennia ago, when the Reapers started their dark journey. And for what? It doesn't make sense. It never did.

We were just caught up in the storm. Maybe one day things will make sense again. On another world, in another time, where we can all live in peace.

I just don't want to live there alone.

There is a burst of static over the intercom, 20 seconds before Joker would hit the relay.

"I …I made my decision. Take care of yourself."

Hot tears roll down my cheeks when I hear my signal, but they are lost to the black we are shooting off towards. Never to return.

"It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul."

- For Ashley

"After time adrift among open stars.
Among tides of light and shoals of dust.
I will return to where I began.

Keelah se'lai."

- For Tali

"You'll never be alone.

I'll see you at the bar. First round is on me.

Just like old times."

- For Garrus

"In the good times and bad, give us hope and a fighting chance.

I'll be waiting for you.

You better show up."

- For Kaidan

"You can't get back everything you lose.

But sometimes, you get lucky.

Embrace eternity."

- For Liara