Professor Smith

                                       He's Back!

Chapter 1-The Lesson of Glaring

       Professor Snape was not looking forward to the next year. Professor Smith, the dim-witted and dumb fool that had had the Defense Against the Dark Arts job last year was coming back. They hated each other. Professor Smith was also the goofiest person that Snape had ever met. He always wore a cheesy grin, but Snape had discovered last year that Smith was actually a pretty normal guy who loved to annoy and torment uptight people until they, too, became crazy. Professor Smith's full name is Smith Smith. He has two last names for a name, but he proved that wrong last year, as Snape overheard a conversation between Professor McGonagall and him.

       "Hello. You must be the new DADA teacher," said Professor McGonagall "What's your name?"

       "Professor Smith Smith," Professor Smith had said cheerfully.

       "Why, you have two last names for a name!" McGonagall had cried out astonishingly.

       "No," Smith had said simply "Two first names."

       Yes, Snape was back right where he started…he entered the Great Hall and saw Professor Smith waving enthusiastically at him, pointing to the seat to his right, with a humongous smile on his face. Fists clenched, Snape walked over and took the seat, as it was only one there that was empty.

       "Hiya, Snapey!" gushed Smith, and began to glog down his milk-the usual routine. Snape glared at Smith's new crimson womanly bag with matching tassels. It was so…unmanly. Smith wasn't a cross dresser, so why did he carry such a girly-girl bag?

       "Hello, Smith," said Snape painfully. He took a small bite of his toast. He slammed it down on the table and tried to make human contact with the Smith alien. "Smith, have you ever had glaring lessons?"

       "Why would I want to glare?" Smith said gaudily. He put a pretzel stick in his mouth. He looked like he was smoking it.

       "Um…Smith? That's a pretzel…not a cigarette," said Snape slowly.

       'No, it's not." Smith argued. He took the pretzel stick out of his mouth, looked at it for a couple of seconds, and sighed. He threw it on the ground and stepped on it.

       Snape stared at Smith. "What happened?" he asked Smith.

       Smith sighed again and said "It burned out." Then he took out an actual cigarette. He put it in his mouth and started chewing like a goat.

       "OH MY GOD!" shouted Snape, ready to burst out laughing at Smith's foolishness. "What are you doing? That's a cigarette, not chewable tobacco!"

       "Of course it's not. It's a pretzel." Smith spat it out in a bucket that had just magically appeared out of nowhere.

       "Doesn't it taste…funny?" asked Snape curiously.

       "No. It tastes good!" shouted Smith. "What were you saying about glaring?"

       "I'm here to teach you how to glare. Now, pick a victim…just not a Slytherin." He added warningly.

       Smith scanned the crowd, holding his hands up to his eyes like binoculars. "OK!" he said after a couple of minutes of student gazing.

       "Now, watch me glare at this Ravenclaw," said Snape. He turned to an innocent new Ravenclaw. He arched one eyebrow high, screwed up his nose, and put his mouth in a strange position-one half was down really low, the other half was at medium height. The Ravenclaw appeared to be speechless for a second, and then returned to eating and talking.

       Smith stared at him, still smiling. Obviously, Dumbledore had been watching. Dumbledore started laughing hysterically.

       "Oh, shut up," Snape muttered under his breath. He turned back to Smith. "Now you try on me, so I can see if you're doing it correctly."

       Smith continued to smile at him. "GLARE, you idiot!" shouted Snape, throwing his arms in the air in rage. Some Gryffindors stared at him. He glared his glare (A/N: Not glare, glare!) at them, and they stopped staring instantly, and turned their attention to Professor Smith, who was still smiling cheekily at Snape, showing off those pearly whites of his. They glimmered brightly, and Snape had to avert his eyes to the floor.

       "Will you glare please?" Snape whispered, slowly and patiently, as though waiting for a preschooler to give him the answer to a simple Potions question.

       Finally, Snape could see out of the corner of his eye, Smith glaring exactly as he did.

       "Good!" exclaimed Snape, bringing his head up. "Now, try it on your victim."

       Suddenly, Smith looked over at the Slytherin table and glared at Draco Malfoy.

       "NOOOOO!" shouted Snape, waving his hand frantically in front of Smith's face to get his attention. "No, no, no! Not a Slytherin! Pick a Gryffindor! A Hufflepuff! Ravenclaw! Anybody but a Slytherin! And why did you have to choose him? He's my favorite! YOU'RE SICK!" Snape stood up and ran out of the Great Hall, heading for his office.

       You wouldn't catch him back there until Smith had wised up!