This random and completely OOC fic turned out much longer than I intended, considering it's just a smutty little one-shot. I'm just glad I've finally finished it, since I started it ages ago and suffered some epic writer's block several times. But here it finally is – my dearest Kurt and Blaine getting their claws into the Klaine Ship Captain, Noah Puckerman.

Chuck some reviews my way. They make me happy, especially when they're more than one word.

And, obviously, I do not own Glee. Don't be silly.

Spray On Jeans and Hardcore Neck Porn

I'm not a hundred per cent sure how I even got into this situation in the first place. I'd only come over to the Hudmel house because I was bored out of my skull and wanted it see if Finn was up for a monster session of Halo. But it was Kurt who answered the door instead.

"Finn isn't home, he's staying the night at Rachel's house. And my Dad and Carole are away for the weekend. But you can come in if you want. Blaine and I are just hanging out."

I think it shows just how insanely, bash-my-head-against-a-freaking-wall bored I was that I actually agreed to hang out with Tinkerbelle and his Disney Princess boyfriend. It didn't make sense though. I mean, obviously Puckzilla hanging with a cutesy gay couple voluntarily doesn't make much sense itself, but I mean actually being invited. It was Saturday, they had the place to themselves; surely, as two teenage boys, they'd be getting their butt sex on or whatever. So I didn't get why Hummel was so cool to have me there as a cockblock.

It got stranger when Kurt led me up to his bedroom. They were hanging in a bedroom, in an empty house, and they weren't doing it? I guess I was right about them – they really were still virgins. When we got into the room Blaine was sitting on a chair next to a dressing table, flicking through a magazine and singing quietly along to the music that was playing out of the iPod dock. When he looked up at me he actually smiled, that usual dapper little puppy smile, like he was genuinely pleased to see me.

"Oh hey, Puck," he said. "What are you doing here?"

"Hanging out, apparently," I said, trying to sound like this was no big deal.

"He came to see Finn," said Kurt. "You don't mine if he stays with us, do you?"

"No, not at all," Blaine said politely. "The more, the merrier."

I sat on the edge of the bed, feeling awkward as hell. The place was so clean and put-together that I felt like I was making it untidy just being here. Of course, my awkwardness totally wasn't helped when Hummel went and perched himself right on Anderson's lap. It's not like I'm grossed out by the gay or anything – I'm totally over that, thank you – it's just... it was them. Kurt and Blaine were never this close at school. I think I'd seen them hold hands maybe twice. So this was just different. Extremely different.

"We're not making you uncomfortable, are we, Puckerman?" Kurt asked, sounding as if he wouldn't have given a shit either way.

"Nah, I'm good," I said, shrugging. "It's just weird seeing you guys all up in each other's business. You practically sit at opposite ends of the choir room at Glee Club."

"Yes, well," said Kurt, rolling his eyes. "We don't really like to flaunt our relationship in front of everyone like you heterosexuals. We know not everyone is cool with seeing two guys all loved up, but we're in my house now and this just happens to be the most comfortable seat in the room, so..."

Blaine grinned, a real pleased-as-punch kind of grin, and wrapped his arms around Hummel's little waist.

"Whatever," I said, sitting a little more comfortably on this really damn comfortable bed. "More power to ya, I say. You're a couple, so feel free to act like one in front of me. I get enough of it when I'm stuck with Finn and Rachel."

"I share your pain," said Kurt sympathetically.

I sat back on my elbows and let the music that was playing properly wash over me. I didn't know what it was, but the lyrics were messed up. Something about 'I'm gonna wound you' and 'I'm gonna be your bruise'. What the fuck?

"What the fresh hell are you guys listening to?"

"It's the Original Broadway Cast soundtrack of Spring Awakening," Kurt said with a smile.

I couldn't stop myself from groaning. "Great... Broadway. It's like being at Berry's house with all this lame jazz hands shit."

Blaine scoffed. "There's nothing 'jazz hands' about Spring Awakening."

"Exactly," said Kurt, who actually looked kind of offended. "Spring Awakening is not lame. It got a Tony Award for Best Musical, and I actually think that the subject matter would appeal to you, Puckerman. You know, since it's basically all about breaking the rules and fucking."

Woah. That got my attention. "Okay, firstly I'm pretty sure that's the first time I've ever heard you drop the F-Bomb, Hummel, which sounds weird coming outta you. It's like hearing a choirboy curse or something."

"Thank you for that," he muttered.

"But more to the point," I continued. "I didn't even know they made musicals about fucking. After two and half years in Glee, why am I only finding this out now?"

"Well, I doubt Mr. Schue would ever have let us perform it on stage," said Kurt.

"You've really missed out though, Puck," said Blaine. "Spring Awakening is incredible. It has two sex scenes, a gay kiss, two songs that are basically about masturbation, actual masturbation, two of the main characters are dead by the end, and it has a song called Totally Fucked. It's awesome."

The F-Bomb sounded even weirder coming out of Anderson, but I had more pressing matters to attend to.

"Wait, woah – two sex scenes?" I said, sitting up straight again. "Like, actually on stage and everything? Are there boobs? Please tell me there are boobs."

"Yes, there are boobs," said Kurt, looking totally unimpressed with me. "Neither of us can really comment on those, of course. We could write essays on Jonathan Groff's bare naked ass though."

Blaine laughed. "Totally. He's the best Melchior just for that ass."

"And it only took ten minutes for the conversation to turn to guys' asses," I chuckled. "This is not at all awkward."

"Not even sorry," Kurt smirked. "It's my house and I'll mentally scar you if I want to."

"Hey, like I said, you guys do what you want," I said, holding my hands up. "If you want to discuss asses then go crazy. I do all the time, although not so much of the dude variety."

"You're missing out, Puckerman," said Kurt, sounding (dare I say) flirty, Blaine giggling against his shoulder.

"Damn," I said. "You guys are hilarious when you're alone. You curse, you talk about guys' asses, you're on each other..."

"What exactly did you expect?" Kurt said, rolling his eyes again. "Did you think we'd be having a tea party and braiding each other's hair? We had the house to ourselves, Noah, what do you think we were doing?"

For the first time since I got here, I actually gave Kurt and Blaine a good look. Blaine wasn't sporting his usual gel helmet and his hair looked messy. And, if I wasn't mistaken (and I definitely wasn't since I'm a freaking expect), there was a bit of a hickey forming on Hummel's pale neck. Oh...

"Shit, guys," I said, trying not to laugh. "Sorry to interrupt. But if you boys were getting it on then why did you let me in here to cockblock your guy love?"

"Like I said," said Blaine with a little shrug. "The more, the merrier."

I had to laugh. It sounded like Anderson was flirting with me, but come on. Like Princess' boyfriend would be hitting on me.

"You guys are like, awesomely weird," I said. "I'm still kinda surprised you guys are a couple though. I mean, no offense, Anderson, but you're totally not what I thought Hummel's type was. I figured his was into the big, strapping jocks, and you're not any of those things."

"Gee, thanks," Blaine laughed. "And actually I was on the polo team back at Dalton, so I was like a jock... but with horses."

"I'm not that shallow, Puckerman," said Kurt, giving me a total bitch-face. "Just because I had a dumb crush on Finn a million years ago doesn't mean that I'm only into jocks. I don't have a type. And anyway, what Blaine and I have isn't just about looks. He happens to be the love of my life, and I think he's gorgeous."

"Aww, thank you, Honey-bear," Blaine cooed.

"You're welcome, Pookie," said Kurt, sounding equally cutesy.

And then they kissed. In front of me. I mean, it was just a peck, but still. That was the first time I'd ever seen them actually lip-lock. Gross nicknames aside, it was actually kind of... hot. Don't look at me like that. The Puckasaurus is way more open minded these days. Chicks or dudes, if something is hot, it's hot.

"Guys, this situation is gay enough without you macking on each other too," I said sarcastically.

The way Blaine smiled at that was actually kind of... leery. Dapper Puppy St. Sweatervests was actually kind of leering at me.

"There's no need to be so jealous, Puckerman," he said. "Just because Kurt gets to kiss me and you don't. You only need to ask nicely if you want to get involved."

"Blaine, your cock-slut is showing," said Kurt.

I couldn't even laugh that off as a joke because it didn't sound as if Blaine was joking. And hearing Hummel say 'cock-slut' was about as alarming as hearing a nine year old girl say 'cock-slut'.

"Okay, what the ever-loving fuck is going on?" I said once my brain started working again. "Am I on crack or did you just hit on me, Anderson?"

"Don't take it too personally, Noah," said Kurt. "I have been sitting on his lap for quite a while."

"Oh my God," I laughed. "There goes my idea of you two still being virgins..."

It was their turn to laugh, and boy did they go for it. They didn't need to laugh that hard. Jeez, I got it, I was wrong. No need to hurt themselves about it.

"Why does everyone always assume I'm a virgin?" Kurt said as they continued to giggle. "What, do I give off a very virginal aura or something?"

"I think it's your face," Blaine laughed. "You have a very innocent face."

"Wait, wait, wait..." I was trying to get my head around this. I was suddenly living in a world in which Kurt 'eleven year old milkman' Hummel and Blaine 'toddler librarian' Anderson weren't virgins. "So I'm guessing this happened after you guys started dating, right?"

"Oh no, way before that," said Kurt. Like it was no big deal.

"Before that?" This was getting crazy. "When? And with who?"

"End of sophomore year," said Kurt with a little shrug. "It was with one of my fellow male Cheerios in a hotel room at Nationals and it really wasn't that great."

"Huh... what about you, dude?" I said to Blaine.

"It was after I became lead soloist of the Warblers," he said. "The Warblers were always treated like rock stars at Dalton, and Joshua was my first groupie, so to speak."

"Okay..." I said slowly. I'm not sure why I found this so mind-blowing, it was just... weird. For like, a year I'd been thinking Hummel's cherry still very much unpopped. And, at school at least, everything about Anderson just screamed virgin. Santana could always tell when someone had lost the Big V, so surely she must have figured it out... but why didn't she tell me?

"Why do you care, Noah?" Kurt suddenly asked.

"I don't," I said, maybe a little too quickly. "Just a little curious, is all."

"You really shouldn't say that near Blaine," said Kurt, as Blaine grinned over his shoulder. "It gives him ideas."

"I've learnt a lot about you guys in a really short amount of time," I said. "I need to process this new, weird universe in which you guys are fucking."

"Kurt and I have been together for a year," Blaine chuckled. "Why are you so surprised that we have sex? We started having sex before we even officially became a couple."

"Are you kidding?" This was making my head hurt.

Kurt shook his head. "We just couldn't keep our hands off each other."

"It's kind of why I miss being back at Dalton," Blaine said with a wistful little sigh. "All those empty classrooms..."

"Yeah," said Kurt, smiling fondly. "And all those late nights in the Warbler Council room, just the two of us, Wes, David, Thad, Nick, Jeff... oh, I miss Jeff. We should call him, sweetie. The three of us haven't hooked up in forever."

"H-hooked up?" I can't believe I was actually stuttering. "By that you mean...?"

"We mean exactly what you think we mean, Noah," Kurt said with a smirk.

Okay, this was officially too much to take in.

"Dude, seriously," I said, massaging my temple. "My brain can't handle all these revelations. Are you guys actually saying that you both hooked up with all these other guys... at the same time?"

"That's exactly what we're saying, yes," said Kurt simply.

"Kurt and I have an open relationship," said Blaine with a nod. "It's not cheating if we're both there."

I had to laugh. What the hell else was I supposed to say to that? Suddenly these two innocent little twinks in front of me where like... swingers or something. Suddenly I was living a parallel universe in which Kurt and Blaine could make me blush. I, Puckzilla, the number one stud and sex shark of McKinley High, was actually blushing. What the fuck had happened to the world?

"Noah, you seem distressed," said Kurt gently. "Apparently we've blown your mind."

"That's not all we could have blown..."

"Blaine, put your innuendos away. Noah, would you like us to change the subject?"

"Please," I said. "For the love of God, can we talk about anything else?"

They looked at each other, apparently having some kind of silent conversation with their eyes. And then they turned and looked at me with matching smirks. It was terrifying.

"Noah, can we give you a makeover?" Kurt asked sweetly.

"No, you really can't," I said, glaring at them.

"We're going to take that as a yes," said Kurt, getting up off Blaine's lap with an evil little smile.

I didn't have the energy to argue. It would probably be a lot easier if I just shut up and let them do whatever the hell they wanted... so long as they didn't take any pictures. That was the last thing I needed. Kurt bounded up to turn the music off and then rooted around in a drawer for something. He was bending down and I just couldn't help but stare a little bit. It's not that I often stare at dudes' asses, but... damn. Hummel must've had to stitch himself into those skinnies. Those spray-on jeans made his ass look out of this freaking world. I'm not sure why I was only noticing this now, I mean it's not like I'd never seen Hummel bending down in ridiculously tight jeans before. I don't know. Maybe there was just a lot of gay in the air.

"If you're quite finished staring at my boyfriend's ass, Puck..."

I snapped out of it to see Blaine grinning at me. Shit, my leering was obvious.

"Oh, let him stare, sweetie," said Kurt, still searching in the drawer. "My ass tends to have that affect on people."

Finally Kurt stood up, holding a purple sparkly bag that could only spell trouble. I wondered whether it was too late to make a run for it...

"Mercedes left her makeup case the last time we had a slumber party," said Kurt. "I'm sure she has some nice blushers and lipsticks that would look lovely with your skin tone."

"Oh God," I groaned. "You guys are gonna makeover rape me, aren't you?"

They just laughed at me. In what felt like no time at all I was on my back on the bed, with Kurt sitting on my chest so I couldn't get up. He was actually crazy strong, and even though he was about half my size it was way too easy for him to wrestle me into this position, even without Blaine's help. They proceeded to put all kinds of makeup on me, giggling away like a couple of evil schoolgirls as they abused me like a fucking doll.

"This colour really brings out the fullness in your lips, Noah," said Kurt.

"Yeah," said Blaine. "And this shadow really makes your eyes pop."

"Why do I have the feeling you guys are doing me up to look like a drag queen?" I said, already giving up on trying to push Kurt off me. How was he so strong?

"Actually," said Kurt. "The look we were going for was more 'low-rent prostitute'.

I just groaned. This was like some messed up form of torture. I'd gone from just hanging out with these guys to being their freaking plaything in a stupidly short amount of time. Finn was in for the ass kicking of a lifetime when he got back from shacking up with Berry.

While I lay back and let the guys get on with making me look like a hooker all I could see was them looming over me. Neither of them was as put-together as they usually were, more than one top button open on their shirts, so I was kind of getting an eyeful of neck. It was a nice kinda contrast between Kurt's pale, creamy neck and Blaine's tanned, slightly stubbly one. They must have used a lot of energy to wrestle me onto the bed, because Blaine's neck still looked a little sweaty and Kurt looked kind of flushed, that hickey from before really standing out. Okay, I'll admit it – all this neck porn was kind of turning me on. Like I said, I can appreciate the sexy in chicks and dudes. And, after all that open relationship stuff, it was kind of hard not to notice all of Princess and Frodo's sexy all of a sudden.

"Are you still with us, Noah? You've kind of zoned out."

I shook my head a little, trying to snap out of it. Who knew necks could be so hypnotic? Oh shit, my pants were feeling kinda tight...

"I'm good," I said quickly. Hell no, I was not blushing. "Y'know, other than the fact that you guys are putting makeup on me and stuff."

"But we've made you look so pretty," Blaine giggled.

"I think we've made Noah uncomfortable," Kurt said to him, although that was a fucking understatement. "We should clean him up. Get the moist towelettes for me please, sweetie."

Blaine did as he was told, but when he came back he was giggling even more than before.

"Honey-bear," he said to Kurt, shaking with laughter. "We appear to have made our new friend, Puckerman, a little... excited."

Oh crap. Hummel was still sitting on my chest, and turned to look behind him, laughing his ass off too once he spotted the obvious bugle in my pants. Damn it.

"Why Noah, I'm flattered," he said with the most evil smirk I'd ever seen – it would've put Santana to shame. "I never thought I'd see the day when the guy that threw me in the dumpster every morning not two years ago would be lying underneath me with a raging boner."

He got one of those wet wipe things and he and Blaine got to work cleaning all the makeup off my face. As they did, Hummel slowly moved back from where he'd been sitting on my chest until he was straddling my hips, and started to grind against my hard on. Fuck... both their smirks got even bigger when I moaned. I can't believe Hummel made me moan.

"Don't think we haven't noticed you checking us out either," said Blaine. "We saw the way you were staring while we were dolling you up. Your leering really isn't subtle at all."

I couldn't think of anything to say to that, but that was probably because Hummel was grinding down even harder onto my boner, practically dry humping me.

"I thought you were straight?" he asked, annoyingly casual.

"Yeah, so did I," I managed to choke out. I'd rested my hands on his thighs without even realising.

They both looked at each other above me, having another silent conversation with their eyes before they grinned at each other and Anderson nodded. Suddenly, out of fucking nowhere, Hummel was kissing me. It wasn't that I'd ever imagined kissing Kurt Hummel or anything, but if I had then this would've been the total opposite of my imagination. His lips were about as soft as any chick I'd ever made out with – possibly softer – but he was totally fucking plundering my mouth. It was rough and dirty, like how people in pornos kiss. It was so hot that I was kissing him back before it even clocked in my head how completely insane this was. I mean, Kurt fucking Hummel was making out with me... in front of his boyfriend. He sat up just as it was getting good, but before I could even get my head around what just happened Blaine was on me. Kissing him felt a lot more like kissing a dude – his lips weren't as soft as Hummel's and I could sort of feel a little stubble against my cheek – but, for some reason, it still felt good. His making out was a little more needy but just as dirty. He sucked my tongue into his mouth and nibbled on my bottom lip before he sat up too. I gotta admit, I was a little disappointed that he stopped.

"Huh," Kurt arched an eyebrow. "Hetero-flexible, after all. We do enjoy a good threesome, so this should be fun."

"I've never had a threesome that's not had a girl in it before," I said, feeling a little daze from the making out.

"First time for everything," said Blaine. "We'll try and be gentle with you."

"We can't promise anything though," Kurt shrugged. "You're just going to have to trust us."

The hard on in my pants was starting to ache. Okay, so this situation was totally surreal, but I'm a freaking sex shark, yeah? Who knew when I'd next get a chance to have a threesome with two dudes? This was one for the books, too good to pass up, and it would totally boost my rep with the ladies – for some reason chicks seem to dig guys making out with other guys. And anyway, only an idiot would say no to a threesome. And the Puckasaurus ain't no idiot.

"Awesome, hit me with your twink love, whatever. Can we make out again now?"

They looked at each other again – those silent conversations were kinda freaking me out – before Hummel was kissing me again. Damn, he was a good kisser. Not gonna lie; it was way better than kissing a girl. I cupped his pert little ass in both hands, making him moan into my mouth. I felt Blaine suck on my neck at the same time, licking my earlobe – shit, this felt good. Kurt sat up and took me with him, our kiss breaking for a second so he could pull my shirt over my head, before he held onto my wrists and lifted my arms up over my head with a surprising amount of strength. I was only vaguely aware of Blaine moving, since Kurt was practically fucking my mouth with his tongue, but out of nowhere I felt metal around my wrists.

"What the... mmph... huh?" I turned my head from Kurt's kissing and tried to move my arms but I couldn't. "Did you guys – did you just handcuff me to the bed?"

"We just want to make sure you don't go anywhere," Blaine said with a smirk, before kissing me hard.

I couldn't believe these guys actually had handcuffs. But really, after all that Dalton gang-bang stuff, I shouldn't have been so surprised. I wouldn't put anything past them now. I felt Kurt kiss down my neck and my chest and Blaine attacked my mouth, before they both suddenly sat up again.

"Oh, c'mon, what's with all the stopping?" I said, sounding way too desperate for my liking.

"You're enthusiasm is sweet," said Kurt. "But Blaine and I just had an idea."

So apparently they could have silent conversations without looking at each other too... okay. They both got off me and rushed out of the door, Kurt trilling "Be right back!" over his shoulder. Great. So I was stuck here, handcuffed to Hummel's bed while they were off doing fuck knows what. This was like the set up of a really cruel practical joke or something. I swear, if they came back with cameras and started taking pictures of me and putting them on Facebook then they were dead meat. So I was relieved when they finally came back, Kurt holding a can of whipped cream and Blaine with a jar of Nutella.

"We were feeling a little peckish," said Blaine as they got back on the bed.

"Ordinarily I wouldn't approve of all these calories," said Kurt, popping the lid off the whipped cream. "But I figured we're going to be doing a lot to work them off later, so it's okay."

Kurt shook the can and sprayed some whipped cream around my nipple, Blaine smearing some Nutella onto my opposite nipple with his fingers. He offered his Nutella covered fingers to Kurt, who leaned over me and sucked them into his mouth until they were clean – hot damn, that was sexy – before they both lowered their heads at the same time and slowly licked my nipples clean. Oh my fucking God, it felt so good. Kurt's tongue and mouth felt so soft, but Blaine was being really rough with it, sucking my nipple between his teeth. Their combined efforts felt so fucking mind-blowing that it was a miracle I didn't jizz in my pants. They carried on covering my chest and my abs in whipped cream and Nutella, licking it all off me until my skin felt like it was on fire. Once they finally reached the waistband of my jeans Blaine moved around so he could take my shoes and socks off, while Kurt unzipped me and pulled my jeans off. Both of them grinned when my dripping hard on sprang to life – it was Commando Day.

"You like what you see, gentlemen?" I asked with a smirk.

"Oh yeah," they slowly said in unison, as they stared down at the throbbing boner leaking pre-come all over my stomach.

Kurt shook his can again and sprayed a strip of cool whipped cream up the underside of my cock, pausing to admire his handy work for a second, before he lowered his head and licked up all that cream with the flat of his tongue, long and slow. My whole body shivered as I let out a totally unmanly little whimper. He was flicking the tip of his tongue against the crown of my dick, okay? Whimpering was about the only coherent sound I could make. His soft little hand wrapped around the base of my cock as he sucked on my crown, before my cock disappeared into his mouth... holy fucking shit, how did I even fit so easily in there? It sounds arrogant, but I'm packing some serious inches, girth and length, and there was only so much that a regular chick could take before she was gagging around me – even the MILFs, and you'd think they'd be a little more experienced. But Kurt... damn, it was like nothing to him. I was tickling the back of this throat as he bobbed his head, and he just swallowed around me. He was using his crazy strength to hold me down, stopping me from thrusting into that hot, wet, magical mouth even though I so wanted to.

"He's amazing at that, isn't he?" Blaine suddenly said, his casual words at odds with his husky, lust-filled voice. I didn't know his voice could get that low. "I think my Kurt was made to suck cock. Of course it helps that he was apparently born without a gag reflex. Just one of the many things we have in common."

All I could do was moan and the only words I could even think of were "fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-oh-God-oh-fuck-fuck-fucking-fuck!" but Blaine didn't seem to expect a response. Kurt took my cock out of his mouth with an obscene pop, still stroking me as he licked his lips. I never thought I'd say this, but Hummel could totally be a porn star. I'd subscribe to that site. I'd pay, and only suckers pay for porn.

"I think you should show off your complete lack of a gag reflex too, sweetie," he said to Blaine, his voice sounding unrecognisably deep.

Blaine took my cock in his calloused hand and wrapped his lips around the crown, flicking and swirling his tongue hard against the slit to lap up all the pre-come, before he dropped down and took my whole length in his mouth in one go until his nose was buried in my pubs. It only got better when he started bobbing his head quickly, swirling his tongue and humming around me. Jesus Christ on a cross... I couldn't believe how good both of them were at this.

Kurt dragged his fingers through Blaine's loose curls, lifting his head so he was no longer blowing me, but just seconds later Kurt's mouth was on me again, sucking me like a pro. Blaine spread my legs, lifting one up onto his shoulder, and started tonguing my balls and that sensitive bit of skin between my balls and my ass, and then he – oh my fucking God – starting licking my asshole. I never in a million years thought that that would feel good, but holy shit, it was amazing. As Kurt swallowed my cock and fondled my balls, Blaine lapped wetly at my hole, the tip of his tongue pushing into that little ring of muscles. His tongue was in my ass. And it felt fucking incredible. Normally I last longer, but the guys were killing me. Kurt had just the head of my cock in his mouth, swirling his tongue as he stroked the rest of my length quickly, and Blaine had even more of his tongue up my ass. Finally something snapped, and with a kind of silent scream I was coming hard, pulling against the handcuffs as I filled Kurt's mouth with my seed until I was completely spent.

As I came down from the high, I looked up and saw Kurt and Blaine making out feverishly. And then it hit me – they were sharing Kurt's mouthful of my come. This was only the second time I'd ever seen them kiss... and they were swallowing my jizz at the same time. My cock was already twitching back to lift just watching them.

"You taste lovely, Noah," said Kurt once they separated.

My brain wasn't working yet, so I just watched as they started undressing each other, kissing and touching at the same time like I wasn't even there. I gotta say I was pleasantly surprised by their bodies. I already figured that Blaine was pretty toned – I'd seen his arms in those dorky polo shirts – but Kurt... hot damn, I never thought he'd be so buff. His arms, his chest, his abs... he always wore so many layers that I had no idea how hot the body was underneath. And when they were out of their pants and underwear I got even more of a shock. Obviously you'd think two little twinks like Hummel and Anderson wouldn't be that impressive in the cock department, but they were both packing. Especially Kurt. I'd learnt a lot of surprising things about him today. They kissed some more, fierce and dirty, jerking each other off for a while before they split up. Kurt put the can of whipped cream and the jar of Nutella on one bedside cabinet while Blaine rooted around in the other, pulling out a large bottle of lube.

"Woah, erm," I said, getting my voice back. "You guys aren't gonna like, fuck me or anything? A tongue up my ass is one thing, but I don't think I'm cool with... that."

"We assumed as much," said Kurt, lying half on top of me and planting a kiss on the corner of my mouth. I could feel his boner hot against my hip.

"Although you're kind of missing out, Puckerman," said Blaine, still searching in the drawer. "Kurt is wonderful at topping."

"Thank you, Pookie."

"You're welcome, Honey-bear."

"But we are going to make this very good for you, Noah," said Kurt, tracing his fingers across of my chest. "Possibly even life-changing. You just need to have an open mind."

"Ah, found them!" Blaine cried. In his hands were a cock ring, and strange looking blue thing that seemed to be made up of lots of little balls that increased in sized on a plastic stick with a handle on the end.

"What the fuck is that?"

They both scoffed at me. "Call yourself a stud, Noah?" said Kurt, sitting up. "They're Thai love beads, obviously."

"Possibly the best sex toy we've ever bought," said Blaine with a grin. "They go up your ass, and then right when you're about to come you pull them out. Best. Orgasm. Ever."

"And the cock ring is just to make sure you don't come until we want you to," said Kurt, reaching down and slowly stroking me – I was already hard again. "You see, first Blaine is going to ride you. And then I'm going to ride you. And then, after that, we might think about letting you come."

If I wasn't so insanely turned on, I would've argued. That sounded like the most deliciously cruel torture imaginable. Blaine slipped the cock ring around me, before handing the bottle of lube to Kurt. They both got between my legs, Kurt lubing up his fingers while Blaine slicked up those weird love beads. My asshole already felt strangely wet and open from Blaine's rimming, but I still hissed when I felt fingers trace around my hole, covering it in lube before slowly pushing inside. It didn't hurt, it was just... weird. I'd never had anything up there before. Kurt twisted his finger, pushing it in and out, before another lube-covered finger joined it. My cock was already leaking pre-come all over my stomach again and I was pushing down against Kurt's hand without even realising it, until his fingers curled inside me and rubbed against this spot that blew my fucking mind.

"Ahh! Oh my – oh my fucking God! What – oohh – what the fuck is that?"

"That, dear Noah, is your prostate," said Kurt with an evil little smirk, rubbing his fingers against that spot again.

My toes curled and my whole body shook; if it wasn't for the cock ring I probably would've blown my load again.

"Are you quite sure you don't want either of us to fuck you, Puckerman?" asked Blaine, smiling innocently even though his eyes were so blown out with lust they were practically black.

I shook my head quickly. "No, no, no, do the beads thing. That sounded – oh fuck – that sounded awesome, do that – ohhh, holy shit!"

"As you wish," said Kurt. He removed his fingers, and the little whimper of disappointment I let out was totally un-badass, but I seriously didn't even care anymore. Kurt spread apart my ass cheeks a little as Blaine started to push in the Thai love beads. It felt fucking weird, each bead going in getting bigger and bigger until just the handle was poking out of my ass. I clenched around them; feeling so full in such a strange way felt fucking good.

Blaine went to lie on his back just beside me with Kurt on top of him, and I had to bend at a sort of awkward angle to watch Kurt lube up his fingers again and do what he did to me to Blaine this time. His finger-fucking was harder and faster, adding more lube so he could shove three fingers up there until Blaine breathlessly said that he was ready.

Lube was slicked over my cock before Blaine straddled me, lining his hole up with my cock before he impaled himself on me. Fuck, he was so tight and hot and... wow. Finally he raised himself up until just the head of my cock was inside him and then dropped back down, both of us groaning. In no time he was full-on riding me, bouncing up and down on my dick as he moaned, loud and deep and desperate, and I thrust my hips up to meet him, hitting him even deeper. Oh God, this felt so good, better than good, fucking out of this world. I was close to the edge, but that damn cock ring was stopping me from filling Blaine's ass up with my come. At the same time, Kurt was just next to me, stroking his cock and fingering himself as he watched his boyfriend ride me. The handcuffs felt painfully tight around my wrists, but I just didn't give a shit. Blaine was riding me faster and harder, tugging on his own cock as he let out a stream of swear words that just turned me on even more, before his ass clenched around me and he came with a yell, splattering my chest with his jizz. Never in a million years thought having another guy's jizz all over me would be so hot.

Blaine pretty much fell off me, gasping for breath. Kurt stopped fingering himself and sat up, licking up most of the come on my chest with relish. I wanted to come so bad I could've cried. His soft hand slipped down my chest and wrapped around my aching cock, wet with lube and pre-come.

"Oh shit, I gotta come," I said desperately. "I... I seriously gotta come..."

"Not yet," Kurt whispered. "I'm going to take the cock ring off, but you're not allowed to come until I say so, okay?"

All I could do was nod. Kurt tugged on my balls as he slowly pulled the cock ring off, while I thought about absolutely anything to stop from just jizzing all over myself. Eventually I was calm enough for Kurt to straddle me and lower himself down until my dick was buried in his ass. Fucking hell, he was even tighter than Blaine, and I didn't think that was possible. He braced himself on my chest with one hand, jerking himself off with the other as he finally started to ride me, slamming himself down hard onto my cock. Blaine had finally recovered and leaned over me, catching my lips in a filthy kiss, his tongue fucking my mouth as he played with my nipples. The noises Kurt made as he rode my dick were fucking pornographic, these high moans and deep grunts that were so sexy I could hardly stand it. Blaine was sucking and biting my neck, sure to leave a pretty impressive hickey, as he pinched and twisted my nipples. Holy fucking shit, this was it. This right here was what was gonna kill me. And what a way to go.

"Oh fuck, Noah," Kurt cried. "Do you want to come? Do you want to fill my ass up?"

"Yes-yes-yes-oh-fuck-yes!"

He reached behind him, holding the handle of the love beads. "Come for us, Noah," he growled, deep and fierce.

I might have screamed. I might have arched right off the bed. I might have pulled so hard against the handcuffs that they cut into my skin. But I honestly couldn't tell you. The moment Kurt pulled out the beads, that was it. I was coming so hard that I'm pretty sure my heart actually stopped. Lights were popping in front of my eyes, my whole body was on fire and my brain felt like it was exploding as what felt like buckets of jizz erupted into Kurt's ass. I was only vaguely aware of Kurt crying out and coming all over me, and Blaine licking it up all. Oh my actual God. That really was life-changing. Once I was back in the land of the living I could still hear Kurt moaning. I turned to find Kurt lying next to me with Blaine between his legs. Oh my God... Blaine was actually licking all of my jizz out of Kurt's ass. These guys were off the fucking scale.

The handcuffs were taken off me. My arms fucking killed and there were sore, red marks around both my wrists – one of my wrists had actually drawn blood a little bit. My chest felt sticky from all the whipped cream, Nutella and jizz that had been licked off it, and I probably should have taken a shower but I was way too exhausted to even move. Kurt and Blaine had curled up either side of me, their fingers laced together across me.

"You guys are fucking epic," I said drowsily. "Hands down, the best threesome I've ever had."

"Aww, thank you, Puck," Blaine said sweetly, kissing me on the cheek.

"It's unsurprising that we're the best you've ever had," said Kurt. "But we appreciate it nonetheless, Noah. You've definitely made our top five. Speaking of which... Blaine, remind me to call Jeff later. And Nick."

I would've been offended, but I was too busy passing out.

Hope you enjoyed, Humble Readers.
On the one year anniversary of the Klaine Love, what better way to celebrate than with a filthy threesome with their biggest shipper?

xxx