A Secret Confession
Sheena folded her knees as she sat next to the shrine she had erected for Corrine after her beloved friend made the ultimate sacrifice for her. Normally she would have dedicated her Kioku lantern to Corrine, but recently she discovered that Corrine was very much alive and now watched over her in his own way as he became the summon spirit of the heart.
That thought alone brought a smile to her face as she gently placed her fingers on the shrine, gingerly touching along the cold stone as the rough surface tingled the tips of her fingers as a result from her caress.
Lloyd went off to join the rest of the group and tell them about the Kioku Ceremony, Sheena had already explained it once and she knew she would choke a little if she had to explain it with everyone of the group intently listening to her.
That was another plus to Lloyd, not saying he could not get nervous, but when it came to the group...he became a young leader. The only thing Sheena would ever have to worry about is if he did not explain it well enough or maybe goofed up the explanation. However with something that seemed to move him as much as the ceremony did, she did not need to worry about that.
"Sheena?" a gentle voice called out.
Turning her eyes from the Shrine to look at the source of the voice she saw Colette standing there with her hands gracefully folded in front of her chest, showing she was a little nervous. Sheena could not help but find it a little ironic that Colette had such ladylike and graceful appearance and yet deep down she was one of the most clumsy young ladies that Sheena had ever known. Her blonde hair looked even more radiate than ever in the bright full moon night.
"What is it, Colette?" Sheena asked as she lowered her hand from the shrine.
"Lloyd told us about this ceremony and...well..." Colette trailed off as she looked to the side, as if trying to figure out how to word it.
"You are uncomfortable with it?" Sheena wondered.
Colette was quick to answer that with a swift shaking of her head, reaching up to place the bright golden locks of her hair back in place.
"It's not that at all...I was just thinking how wonderful such a thing sounds...but I just can't decided who I would make mine for." Colette sighed softly.
This type of problem was something that Sheena did not expect from the caring Colette. Sheena figured that Colette would be able to find a spirit to bring peace to easily.
"I mean...there have been so many people that came into our lives on our journey and so many people sacrificed themselves for us, so many people died, believing in us. How can I choose just one soul out of all those people?" Colette asked with a slight tone of helplessness to it.
That was more like Colette. Sheena knew there had to be more to what Colette said as to why she did not know who she would dedicate her Kioku lantern for. It had nothing to do with having trouble finding one spirit, rather choosing one spirit.
"Colette, you can do what I do every year then." Sheena responded with a comforting smile.
"What is that?" Colette asked.
"Colette, the Kioku Ceremony does not limit a Kioku lantern to one spirit. Every year I made a lantern to guide all the lost or troubled souls that did not have someone to guide them to peace." Sheena explained with a passive wave of her hand, giving a slight smile.
"Sheena...that is a wonderful idea." Colette replied with an increased cheer as she placed both her hands together happily. "I am so happy to hear that."
Sheena could only give a smile while looking at the infectious cheer of Colette, she always thought of everyone else and always wanted what was best for everyone, even those who were her enemies always deserved a second chance with her. Sheena would not put it passed Colette to actually have hopes that the lives they had severed during their journey a chance to be guided to peace as well.
There was no way that Sheena could compete with the golden heart of Colette; Sheena's past was too stained with blood and the path she led was one that could not be forgiven. Successor or not, she could still detect some looks from the families who perished by Volt. Kuchinawa was a prime example of being unforgiven.
Sheena could send hundreds of lanterns for hundreds of years and still not be released from her dark past; at least that is how she felt.
Sheena cast her graceful strides along the wooden planks as she made her way to her own room to rest up for the night.
Fates would intervene on her tonight once more however as pale light caught her attention; the faint illumination showing through the thick rice paper that separated the entrance of the room from the hallway. Sheena paused for a moment as she briefly scanned her memory to remember who all was in that room. That room belonged to the men, Lloyd, Zelos, and Genis.
She had hoped that her home would have had enough rooms to give them all their own space, but she and Igaguri had to work with what they had. Woman in one room, men in the other and Igaguri had his own master chamber.
The subtle sounds coming from the other side of the door made Sheena wonder if trying to listen in would be a little too invasive and rude, but yet her curious nature forced herself to plant her feet where it was and even carefully lean forward so her ears could sneak in on the events.
"No No, Lloyd...not like that." Genis exclaimed in a semi-scolding tone. There was a slight pause before Genis spoke again. "Lloyd...I do not understand how you can craft things using Dwarven techniques and yet not be able to make a simple lantern?" Genis sighed out. "You want help?" He finally offered.
"No." Lloyd stated in a determined manner.
"Tch, fine whatever." Genis said in a manner of surrender with the sound of the young half'elf standing and brushing off his shorts. "I am going to figure out where Zelos went, who knows what trouble he could be getting himself into." Genis exclaimed, Sheena could almost see Genis raising his arms up in a shrug and shaking his head with the tone he was using.
Sheena could not help but give a small smile, trying to picture Lloyd trying to make the paper walled lantern. Her world snapped out from that image when the sound of the wooden frame door sliding against the hardwood ground and her heart thundered in her chest as she could only react.
The door opened completely as Genis stepped out from the room,looking both ways as if briefly determining which way was the exit before turning to the side and exiting the humble home.
The seconds that passed could not have ended sooner as Sheena looked down at Genis, moments before the door opened she could only react and the reaction was to leap up onto the support beams of the house. The moment the front door closed, Sheena sighed out and released her grip, dropping to a crouch before raising a hand to wipe her forehead to complete the image of relief.
Sheena had determined that that was too close and was about to retire to her room before she noticed that Genis had not closed the door completely. Sheena stopped in mid-step the moment she could see the table inside the room and behind it was a determined Lloyd. The sight perked that curious part of Sheena's mind as she carefully peeked into the crack.
It seemed that no matter how talented Lloyd was and how skilled his fingers were at being delicate, for some reason he could not grasp something as scared as constructing a Kioku lantern. Lloyd paused for a moment and then actually let out a growl, grabbing the paper and crumpling it in his lost moment of frustration before ruffling his hair and then planting his elbows on the table.
"Lloyd?" Sheena asked softly in a nervous manner.
She did not know when she opened the door and crossed the threshold of the room, but however that happened she was standing there now with nowhere to hide.
Lloyd blinked once as he raised his head as nervousness seemed to claim him instantly as he reached over to lightly shift the thin paper for the Kioku lantern. "...Uh...Sheena, how...long have you been standing there?" Lloyd wondered as his fingers fiddled with the sheet of rice paper.
"Long enough?" Sheena more asked than replied, hoping that answer would be enough and not give her curious peeking side away. "Do you...need help?" Sheena wondered carefully.
"No...no." Lloyd replied, the first no being a little more stiff than he intended, the same tone he took with Genis before realizing who was before him and his head lowered as his tone took on a more careful approach.
"Oh...ok." Sheena hesitated as he looked to the side.
"I mean...well, I just want to do this...you know, for my mother." Lloyd tried to explain carefully as he rubbed the back of his head lightly.
"I understand." Sheena nodded once, although her tone gave away a certain sadness in her tone.
"Wha...what's the matter, Sheena?" Lloyd asked with a sudden hint of worry.
"Huh? Oh...it's...nothing, don't worry about it." Sheena smiled weakly. "I should really let you focus. The ceremony is tomorrow and I have to get mine ready." Sheena explained as she turned on her heel.
"Oh hey...who are you going to make yours out to?" Lloyd wondered openly as Sheena stopped in mid-step and seemed to take a moment to think that over.
Who was she going to dedicate her lantern to? Her original close furry friend was alive and well and although she could make one for every lost soul out there, Colette was taking care of that and her pure nature would probably guild them better than any of Sheena's lanterns could. That thought stung a little more than she intended as she openly flinched for a moment before breathing out.
"I...don't know, I mean Corrine is not exactly...well, you know." Sheena responded as she rubs her arm absently with her hand. "I had...so wanted this year to be different...to mean more, you know?" Sheena confessed as she looked over her shoulder briefly before looking towards the window.
Sheena then glanced to the side, seeing the small pile of discarded rice paper, giving a slight smile as she turned around to meet with Lloyd. "You know you need to be more careful...rice paper is very delicate." Sheena confessed as she walked over, picking up one of the discarded balls.
"I know...I just can't seem to focus enough." Lloyd admitted as he leaned his cheek into his palm while trailing his finger along the rice paper.
"Here...let me show you a little trick." Sheena offered, realizing that she was not giving Lloyd much choice in this matter now...she was going to help him. She knew he was stubborn, but lucky for her, so was she when she wanted to be and Lloyd had that look of not being able to ask for help but needing it.
Kneeling beside Lloyd she carefully pinched the rice paper and lifted it up, years of making her own lanterns would pay off for this single moment as she stopped a moment.
"Here...I will guide you, I won't touch it or anything so it will still be yours." Sheena smiled softly as Lloyd blinked once and gave a nod with a smile of his own.
"Right..." Lloyd said with a renewed energy.
If his mind would not let him rest enough to focus on the task as important as this than she would act as his focus and guide through the construction of what Sheena could boldly state is one of the most important things in Lloyd's life right now...his mother.
Before long, Lloyd could not help but give a wide smile as he carefully lifted up the completd lantern, letting out a light laughter as he looked closely at it.
"I did it...I did it, Sheena." Lloyd exclaimed in a tone of victory.
Sheena smiled at his happiness as she rested her hands on her lap and gave him a nod. "Yes you did, Lloyd. Now you just need to write your dedication on the lantern...very carefully." Sheena noted, she probably should have told him to do that first, writing on rice paper when it is propped up like that would be no easy feat.
"Oh...right." Lloyd nodded as he looked at the brush and ink, picking it up slowly before looking at the drinking black ink on the brush before looking back at the lantern, hesitating a moment and then looking to Sheena.
She noted the hesitation as her eyes went from the lantern over to Lloyd, giving a slight tilt to her head as she asked a wordless question.
"Your village has it's own language right?" Lloyd wondered as his eyes slowly left the lantern to look at Sheena.
"Yes, of course." Sheena smiled slightly as she pulled out one of her seals, placing them on the table. "These are not just symbols, they are the language of my people." Sheena informed.
"How do you do names?" Lloyd wondered.
"Well that can get complicated sometimes. I mean...your names and the names of people outside our village are not exactly covered in our language. But we can manage by using similar sounds to construct your name and with those certain sounds comes the ability to write your name." Sheena struggled to explain, hoping she was doing it to a satisfactory manner.
"What would be my mothers name in your language?" Lloyd asked in a tone that captured both sincerity and curiosity.
"Anna?" Sheena whispered as she looked up, trying to cycle through the sounds of her name while attaching sounding to it. "Ann...na." Sheena muttered to herself before looking to Lloyd and giving a small smile. "To my best guess." Sheena followed up as she carefully took the brush from Lloyd's hands, drawing out the symbols on a spare sheet of rice paper on the table, when she felt content with her efforts she slowly slide it towards Lloyd.
"That...looks beautiful." Lloyd admitted as he leaned in slightly to observe the careful brush strokes used to make his mothers name, the sudden use of the word beautiful made Sheena blush slightly as she lightly scratched her neck in a nervous manner before looking to the side.
"What? No...no...it's just...you know...it's nothing." Sheena sputtered in an embarrassed manner.
"Sheena?" Lloyd asked softly, making Sheena blink once as she looked over to him. "This might be strange to ask...or something...but could you put that on her lantern? I mean...it is a ceremony of your people, I think it would only be the right thing to do." Lloyd stated with earnest.
"I...Lloyd...it would be my pleasure." Sheena swallowed hard as Lloyd gave her a smile, sliding his lantern over to her as Sheena felt her mouth dry for moment. If she messed this moment up...she would never forgive herself.
Thinking like that did not help her at all.
Sheena's mind was racing but her hand remained steady...like it was being guided by a will not of her own. Maybe...just maybe Anna watched over her in this moment and helped Sheena remain strong for this one moment that meant so much to Lloyd. Whatever force that allowed her to write Anna on the lantern as well as a short prayer below the name, she thanked that power.
"What does it say?" Lloyd wondered as Sheena finally placed the brush down and her chest deflated as she exiled all her pent up breath.
"It's a prayer...one used by my people, a prayer for honouring lost loved ones." Sheena managed to say as she gracefully regained her breath. "Used for people you truly care about." Sheena added as she gave a small smile at the lantern.
She had never met Anna, but she did truly care about the woman...for Anna's sacrifice is what brought Lloyd into her life and this young man changed her forever...for the better.
"Thank you, Sheena." Lloyd responded with sincere warmth.
"No thanks needed, Lloyd...I not only wanted to...but had to help in someway." Sheena smiled in confession before realizing what she had just said as she swallowed. "I mean...well you know what I mean." Sheena dismissed.
"You had to? Why?" Lloyd blinked once.
This would be one of those moments in life that could probably define where she would go and what angle she would take from here on out. She had tried to implant in his head that she cared about him...more than he seemed to be able to grasp at the moment. One more time, she could just throw caution to the wind as she looked to Lloyd.
"Because...I care about her too, Lloyd." Sheena confessed, finding her own courage to keep pressing forward. "I mean...she meant so much to you and she sacrificed herself for you to be here, you have changed so many peoples lives...mine too. I care about her...as I care about you." Sheena concluded, as fluid and meaningful as her words were, her muscles in her body were tight as if bracing from something, but she managed to hide that somehow.
"Sheena..." Lloyd whispered as his eyes did not leave her.
That moment of silence killed her as he wordlessly stared at her, as much as she enjoyed the warm eyes that Lloyd had being so focused on her, it was also tearing her apart not knowing what was going through his mind right now as she exhaled and suddenly rose to her feet.
"Anyways...enough of that." Sheena choked out as she straighten her tunic lightly, if nothing else to distract her from the knowledge of his gaze upon her. "I should go...I mean, I do not even have my own lantern made." with that said, Sheena started her way towards the door.
"Or you could...maybe share mine." Lloyd suddenly called after her.
Sheena felt her breath tighten in her lungs once more as she went stiff, blinking once as if to realize if she heard correctly. "What?" Sheena asked as she looked over her shoulder.
"Oh...is that...improper or something?" Lloyd wondered as he rubbed the back of his head. "I mean...I was just thinking, you helped me make this for my mother...wouldn't that technically make it ours? You said you wanted this year to be different and you care about my mother...I don't think she would mind...actually I think she might be happy." Lloyd confessed.
Curse this man's pure heart at times like this. Sheena could not think of any way more perfect than what he was purposing. But she also had the knowledge of knowing what that would mean to her people as well. Those who shared a lantern, especially for a family member of one, were seen as professing their bond to the spirits and to her people. Intentional or not, she would be openly stating to her own people that she felt she belonged with Lloyd and that this is the man she was going to be with. Lloyd did not know that, she could not take advantage of his lack of knowledge...but his offer and sincerity just touched her too deeply.
"I...would like that...very much, Lloyd." Sheena smiled.
The most of the day, the ceremony build up seemed to go by in a blur to Sheena as she watched the events unfold around her. The soft tunes that filled the air, the incense that misted throughout the village, and gentle glow of candles started to cover the village as Sheena sat on the river's edge, she had unintentionally avoided the group and the village...lost in pensive thought as she looked to the flowing waters.
As the sun started to set, the river came to life with floating lanterns, the tide taking them out into the deep waters where souls were guided off to peace. Sheena blinked once when the first lantern passed by her vision in the water.
"Sheena?" Lloyd asked from behind her.
Sheena blinked out of her daze as she looked over her shoulder, giving a small smile.
"Lloyd..." Sheena whispered as she hugged her legs to her chest.
"Where have you been? Everyone was wondering." Lloyd asked.
"I...just needed time to think." Sheena confessed as she rested her chin on her knees for a moment. Something about the Kioku Ceremony always put Sheena in this mood, a constant reminder of the people who died because of her at the temple. Her own haunted day.
"About what?" Lloyd wondered.
"Everything...the temple, the people who died...and your mother. This day means so much to me, yet I always find it hard to express myself on the day that matters the most." Sheena could only shake her head slightly, today was not the day to drag Lloyd down with her own darkness. "I was just thinking...how I would have liked to have met your mother, Lloyd...she must have been a wonderful woman." Sheena admitted as she thought that only a truly blessed woman could have a son as wonderful as Lloyd. "In a way...I am sad that she is not here." Sheena closed her eyes.
"I did not know...she meant that much to you as well." Lloyd responded with a hint of surprise.
"More than I can say." Sheena sighed softly.
"What?"
"Nevermind." Sheena shook her head as she slide off the rock and turned towards Lloyd. "Where is your lantern?" Sheena wondered, changing the topic.
"In your house, I need to go get it still." Lloyd stated.
"Well you better hurry, the lanterns are meant to be set as the sun sets, don't want to miss it." Sheena added as she looked towards the setting sun off in the distance.
"Right." Lloyd nodded once and turned around as he ran a couple paces before turning around. "Why don't you come with me? It is our lantern after all." Lloyd smiled.
"Huh? ...oh...right." Sheena nodded as she could not help but smile softly.
'Our lantern...our dedication to Lloyd's mother.'
How that sounded to her as she followed after Lloyd, letting him lead the way as they both walked into the house, carefully picking up the lantern as Lloyd carried it back to the lake, Sheena right by his side as they both approached the rivers edge, Lloyd looked down at the lantern before turning to Sheena and extending it outwards slowly.
Sheena looked to him before giving a small smile and carefully lowering a lite incense into the lantern to light the candle inside. Closing her eyes for a moment as she placed both her hands together in silent prayer, reciting what she had written the night before.
Watching the lantern float down the stream seemed surreal to her as she stood beside Lloyd, glancing over to him as the young man watched the lantern intently.
"Mother..." Lloyd whispered before closing his eyes, allowing Sheena to catch a glimpse of a tear fall down his cheek as he raised a hand to his chest, tightening it into a fist as he shivered once in dismay. The death of his mother continued to leave a deep wound on Lloyd and that hurt Sheena to see.
"Lloyd...relax, please." Sheena whispered as she reached over, grabbing his hand and lightly caressing the surface until his fist eased. "You do not want your mother to see you looking so distressed." Sheena whispered as Lloyd opened his eyes wide and looked over to Sheena. "Spirits are guided by the lanterns, she is here...and I do not think she would be at peace if she saw you so down." Sheena added as she continued to caress the back of Lloyd's hand, every once in awhile unintentionally brushing up against the exsphere.
Lloyd blinked once before looking to the lantern float away, nodding once before managing a smile.
"You're right, Sheena...Mother...I love you." Lloyd whispered meaningful before lowering his head, closing his eyes once more as another tear fell down.
'Be at peace, Anna.' Sheena thought as she looked from Lloyd to the lantern that floated slowly out of sight, being consumed by the other lanterns that joined in. 'Please do not worry...I promise to look after Lloyd.' Sheena breathed out as she carefully laced her fingers in with Lloyd's, squeezing his hand once to reassure to him that she was there for him...showing Anna that her boy would never have to face anything alone anymore...Lloyd had her.
Sheena could have sworn what she saw next was real, a materialization of Anna, she had never seen her before but she could just feel it was her, hovering over the lantern that meshed with the countless others. She looked towards the both of them and gave a warm smile, a spirit gaining some rest with the knowledge that her son would be alright. Sheena swallowed hard before giving a small smile back, her eyes misting over with tears/
'Goodbye...Anna.'