Hi guys. So here's the first chapter. This story was mainly born from me wanting to play with Peter's sense of humour and my own conflicting love over Edward and Jasper. SM owns the original characters.

Chapter One

PPOV

I been around this old world a few times since I escaped that thunder beast Maria and I still ain't seen nothing as fine as my wife's ass. Charlotte was walking slightly ahead of me sashaying that apple of a behind, filling out her dark jeans just right. Her pale blonde hair made me think of her naked skin as she moved confidently looking for dinner. Blood and wifey's booty are the two joys of my life so me not being able to enjoy them was pissing me off.

Becoming a blood sucking super stud like me has its advantages. Wifey's tits will never sag and my trouser snake will stand prouder then an Olympian gymnasts dismount at the drop of a dime. Plus you ge tto run fast and hit hard and a bunch of other cool shit. But some of us get a little extra, something carried over from the human life. My sire and brother Jasper is an empath the poor bastard. After the hell we came from he couldn't take feeling human's emotions when he fed so now he feeds off of animals. It's a sight seeing the meanest fucker of a vamp ever known chowing down on a moose and running around with his golden peepers.

Me, I just know shit. Guess I was an intuitive human. Most of the time the shit I know is pretty damn clear. I knew that I would get Char away from camp if Jasper was the one called on to destroy her. I knew he'dcome with us when we went back for him. Hell I even knew when the annoying little Tinkerbell was gonna come for him. What I didn't know was how much he had given up by then. Good things come to patientpricks who wait though and my brother is back with us. Things ain't been too bad. That's why I wish I knew what the hell was happening now.

Something was coming and it was big. Our family depends on me knowing this shit and I'll be damned (again if need be) if I let Jasper and Char down. He still talks to his ex Alice and the rest of the Cullens. Alice sees the future based on people's decisions so between me and the itty bit we keep the two family's pretty safe. And of course hand out some smack down to anyone who threatens us.

The Cullens were alright I guess, a little snooty if you ask me. Carlisle the "daddy" of the family is a good man but boy does he have some crazy ideas. He started the whole chowing down on critters thing sayinghow human life is meaningful. That's true I suppose but some humans are just trash, and trash needs to be taken out. He even has the control to be able to work in human hospitals while they bleed all over the damn place. I don't agree with him on lots of shit but even I have to respect that kind of control.

His wife Esme is lovely but someone forgot to tell her that she's a supernatural monster. All she wants to do is hug people for fuck's sake. Their oldest son is Edward and he can read minds which gives him the idea that he knows everything. Most of the time I think he's just bored because he spends all his time brooding like one of those little emo fuckers that walk around everywhere nowadays. Last time we spent Christmas with the Cullens I got him a big old tub of that tacky hair gel from the 80's and a box of razor blades. Lil prick didn't even smile. Think his face would break if he did.

The little Pixie gets on my damn nerves. Alice is another one that thinks she knows everything and if we could shit she would think her's smelt like fucking roses. She's always criticising and trying to change things.

One time she tried to talk Char into redecorating, saying that our house was too rugged looking. I still laugh when I remember her face the moment Char lunged at her with scissors and cut a chunk out of her perfectly manicured hair. Funniest shit ever.

Rosalie and Emmett are ok in my opinion. They have a good sense of humour and once you get past Rose's' I'm the biggest bitch alive' persona, you find a fiercely strong friend. And Emmett likes to prank people almost as much as I do. It's good to have a big Paul Bunyon bastard on your side when you love to piss people off as much as I do. Hey eternity is a long time to be good and it's more fun to be a little bit bad at times.

I stopped walking and thinking when I noticed Char hesitate. My senses were tingling through my whole damn body before I picked up what wifey did. There wasn't much human activity out this time of night, mostly criminals which is what we preferred to kill. Trash, remember? It sounded like some of them were starting shit nearby. My eyes met the beautiful rubies of Char's before she smiled and began hunting, moving like the lethal badass sex machine that she is.

In these big cities I always feel claustrophobic but the good shit is that there is never any shortage of dirt bags. Char started moving quicker between the buildings and I followed what she did, the sound of a woman in trouble. Now you might think because we are vamps that we're down with cruelty but that ain't the case. Ok maybe once in a while but only on fuckers who deserve it, and me being old and southern means that other then Maria and a few select knob jockeys, that don't include chicks. That shit is just not cool and my mama would hunt me down if I didn't step in, save the lady, and destroy the bad guys. Rest her scary soul I loved that woman. Hard as the cast iron pan she used to bake biscuits in.

A screech that would make a banshee jealous tore through the night and caused my ass hole to pucker. They must be torturing the poor thing. Me and Char crossed the street quick as liquid shit and hit the park. One more perk of being immortal in the night vision but I'll be trying to bleach my eyes out as soon as this shit is over. A small clearing gave way to some trees and there they were. There were four guys and they all looked like typical college drop kicks with their polo shirts and pants down around their asses. All were a good size but that didn't count for shit. I was gonna make these little bitches scream because three of them were holding down a woman who was still screeching and howling and fighting like an animal and one was trying to fuck her.

Char took off like a bullet and grabbed the would be rapist by the back of his neck growling like the sexy bitch she is before spinning him around to look at her. His tiny prick deflated when he saw the look in hereyes but mine popped up out of pride and lust. She pressed her finger to his mouth telling him to hush and ran it down his neck and chest. She winked before letting her hand go even further south before she flicked her wrist and snapped his thigh bone. He screamed and the bone peeked out of his skin and she attacked, pulling his life force through the hole she had made in his thigh. My wife is awesome.

None of this took long but it was enough time for one of the other three to piss his pants and whimper like a kicked pup. I grabbed the biggest and driest two and squeezed so hard it shattered their upper arms. The one on my left started apologising being all pathetic while the other started cussing at me. Well that's not very smart is it? So I took mercy on the crying one and snapped his neck before sinking my teeth into his throat and taking a deep pull of red velvety heaven. Mr. big mouth finally realised what was happening and cried out for his damn mama, like she would still want to save his dirty ass.

The lady on the ground saw her opportunity and slugged the last guy who was holding on to her like she was the only thing keeping him on the ground. She raked her nails across his face drawing blood but lost her footing and fell into him. The dumb shit pushed her back and she fell hard, hitting her head on the base of a tree and then starting having a fit. It hit me like a freight train that I couldn't let this little missy die so I snapped the neck of the idiot I was still holding forgetting that he was still full of blood. Char must've caught on or felt some womanly intuition shit because she fell next to the woman before I did.

"She can't die Char. Don't ask why cause I don't know."

Wifey just nodded and looked at the woman convulsing in her arms. Her eyes opened and she stared up at us frustrated, "I'm not ready to die. I fought."

Char nodded to her before looking at me. I shrugged my shoulders wondering if this is a good idea but not seeing a way around it. "If you're gonna do what I think you're gonna, let's at least get away from here. I'll take out the garbage and meet you at home."

I took a good look at the woman and saw she was actually really beautiful. Her brief eye contact showed deep brown eyes surrounded by thick dark lashes which matched her long mahogany hair. I wondered if her becoming a vamp would make her any paler because she was already glowing in the moonlight. "You'll be ok sugar. Char here will take care of you."

I kissed my wifey quickly before she scooped up the mystery woman and headed to where we parked our truck. Yes we drive a truck and no we don't wash it everytime it gets dirty. It's a truck dammit, not something to make us look good at soccer games.

There were four bodies and from the taste I had I'm guessing they were all sauced. Cheap beer I'd bet. These little fucks probably still talk to their mamas every day and call daddy up for money regularly.

Killing criminals is usually easy because no one gives a shit but these four would be missed. I wanted to get back as soon as possible so I grabbed the corpses and pushed them a bit deeper into the trees. I piled them one on top of the other and tried to mix up as much of the blood as possible. As long as there was alot on the ground and they were all empty the cops would just think they bled out from wounds.

I pulled my knife out of my back pocket and slit all their throats, even picking up their hands and slicing a bit so it looked like defensive shit happened. No need for the families to believe they were heroes who fought their assailant. Next I went through their pockets and took anything of value leaving the rest in a pile on the ground. Simple robbery of four drunk ass wads in a bad part of town where no one paid attention to screams and college boys should not wander. What a world huh?

I stepped back to look at my work impressed and couldn't help putting the second one down's hand on the top dude's ass. I hope there is an afterlife so just these tools could feel some kind of humiliation. Theydied too quick for what they had done as far as I was concerned but sometimes torture has to be put aside. See I'm all kinds of responsible and shit.

My mind was wondering about the girls. Maybe Char had to bite her there in the truck. If she was too close to dying there wouldn't be another way to save her. Our venom is handy but it doesn't bring folks back from the dead. Kind of glad too. Vampire zombies is too fucked up even for my crazy ass.

I decided to run ahead and prepare some things at the house. I mean I'm not really a domesticated guy but I felt an instinctual protectiveness over that little human. That and it would make me look good to Char.

Just because we've been mated over a century don't mean I don't have to still put some work in. If I don't that slice of paradise between wifey's legs closes on me like a drawbridge and I have to have my paradise damn it.

We live just the other side of the Washington border in bum fuck Oregon. I really missed the south west with its dry weather and honky tonk bars but Jasper wanted to stay close to his other family and far away from Maria and her influence. He is a smart fucker, plus with our speed we can go hunting for scum anywhere from California to Canada and there ain't too many other vamps that come through. The ones that do find out real quick how unwelcome they are and skidaddle.

I texted Char to let her know my plans and she responded letting me know that she was hoping to make it out of Portland to bite the woman. The change is a fucking painful experience and the way she was screaming tonight made getting her out of town before the change pretty damn important. Now I just have to think of how to explain this shit to Jasper.