Time after Time

Tarrant Hightopp, otherwise known as the Mad Hatter, couldn't sleep. He hadn't been able to find himself drift off into the land of dreams easily for some time now. He could tell you the exact day when he stopped dreaming. He stopped dreaming the day Alice had gone back to the Upperland. She had gone, with a promise to be back before he knew it. Well… it seemed that that had been so long ago now that she must have forgotten about him and they wouldn't see each other again.

His hand moved through his tuggy waves of orange hair as he sat up in his bed. His dull faded patchwork cover tangled around his feet. These were the only moments he would allow himself to get emotional and cry over the departure of his Alice. It ailed him dearly, but he would put on a brave face when he was around his friends. When he had those tea parties and when he was working once more for the White Queen. They didn't have to know how much he wished Alice to return.

They all wished the same – but none of them held the feeling for Alice that he had. He loved her, yes that's right, he thought it. He loved the champion of Underland who had saved them all before she left. Tarrant closed his green eyes, his tears sliding down his cheeks as he couldn't console himself. He found it very hard to keep composed. Being mad didn't help you see, being mad only made things ten times worse for him.

His mind always seemed to be crowded but since the red queen had been defeated he didn't feel the need to be as angry anymore. What made him angry was the fact he hadn't done more to try and convince Alice to stay. That was when that other voice in his head would tell him why 'would he?' Why would he try to convince her to stay in a place she didn't want to be? She would have stayed if that was what she had wanted. But she would have stayed if she knew how I felt, she would have… don't be silly, she had a family – family that meant more than he did.

Tarrant's hand moved to the white sheet of the bed as he crumped it up in his stained fingers. It was useless, how could he sleep with so much going through his mind? When he did manage to sleep, he never dreamt, or worse, he dreamt of her with some other man. Why would he allow himself to fall asleep just to have those nightmares? They were what distressed him the most. She seemed happy, always smiling, that man must be good for her. But he would be good for her! He would have done anything for her. He nearly killed that knave. In fact he was glad he hadn't. He had it coming. Either way, he didn't.

It wasn't normal for Tarrant to feel so… fickle. It was completely normal. No it wasn't. He wasn't decisive in his thoughts, he'd think anything, feel anything. For Alice. No it didn't matter, it wouldn't matter, and she had gone. Moved on and she was living a life without him, living a life without anyone in Underland. What would Alice say if she saw him right now? He tried to imagine, but it caused the tears to return – what was he doing, thinking of Alice being there right now. She'll never come back. No she will, she promised. There was never a promise broken with Alice. There's always a first time for everything. No, no, that's not going to be true. Not this time.

Every tea party with Thackery and Mallymkun brought back memories. There was always an empty seat. There's plenty of missing people and seats, actually. Well one certain seat was always empty. There was always a missing laugh… that subtle but sweet giggle that carried so beautifully from her lips. He could sometimes hear it in his thoughts like he had recorded it so that it would play back to him. To torture him. The only one torturing him right now was himself! Minutes turned to hours that turned to days and then weeks – time was once against him and it seemed time now hated him for trying to kill him. And after I tried so hard to make it up to him, the cheek. Shut up.

Tarrant kicked the remainder of the cover onto the ground and laid his head back to the pillow. This was useless. It was always useless. Was he supposed to be able to sleep with all these thoughts? Why did he try so hard, why did he always fail? Was it considered failing? If it was then he failed tremendously. No, he failed immensely, massively, greatly… terrifically. He closed his eyes tightly, trying to calm the inner mayhem that was his thoughts. He would not get any sleep tonight that was for sure. He was feeling everything ten times more vividly tonight. They were always vivid when Alice was the root cause of my feelings. Stop it.

Brushing one leg across the other he turned onto his side, feeling the pyjama bottoms he was wearing press against his body even tighter. All he wanted was to get a proper night's sleep. Alice might return tomorrow. Alice wasn't returning tomorrow. She might! He would have to be prepared, he wanted to be prepared. She would want to see him. Why would she want to come and see a mad fool? She loved him! Wait… wait… why did he think that? Why… he was so certain that Alice loved him? Tarrant's eyes opened widely as he looked to the wall. She hadn't ever said it, or giving any indication. I'm just imagining it. What if he was right though?

He moved his fist into the bed, feeling it mash into the mattress before it regained its shape. Useless. For once he agreed. It was useless, he felt useless. He just wanted… he should have at least have hugged her when they parted ways. He would have given anything though – to have kissed her. She wouldn't have liked that. She might have. How was he to know what she would have liked or wouldn't have liked? He could have been surprised and found out it was what she wanted too. If it was what she wanted she would have done it herself. He was getting nowhere.

He guessed he could try counting sheep. Did that even work? Just a saying, but he could have. The Hatter moved himself back to a sitting up position. "Alice…" escaped his lips as he wiped away any remainder of previous tears from his cheeks. He felt stupid at the same time – what a stupid thing to cry over. Was it really that stupid? He had emotions, he had every right to get them out and show them to everyone. He wouldn't though – he would be smiley and funny with everyone as always and at night time go through this same night over and over again. Maybe this was another of time's punishments.

"... Come back."

Author's Note: Wow this was really short, sorry about that. This was me getting out feelings I got over hearing a song. It made me think of Tarrant for some reason – but it made me think of other character's the first time I heard it so perhaps Tarrant was just rooted in my mind. I hope you liked it! The song wasn't Time after Time, that just seemed like a good title!