A/N: Name for the story comes from the Mass Effect 3 OST - I was lost without you. Mostly because I was listening to it while I was writing this, not to mention that the name itself is just epic. Might continue this later, as in from Kaidan's POV, don't know yet. Wanted to show a more human side to Shepard, because she can't always be a rational, cold hearted leader.
Personally, I hated the ending, especially how it suddenly ended with that `breathing` scene, so decided to just head-cannon what will happen next. Kaidan and Shepard need more love 3 (I still cried for days after the ending though, I'm too emotional D:).
…"No! Someone get a team there! I order you!" Familiar voice. It was shaking, as if the person talking tried not to cry, angry. The voice was full of anger, rage and…sorrow.
"Major…the reports say that no one has made it to the beam and we can't risk to get a team there, there might be still husk—" Another voice. Unfamiliar. Covered with static, same as the previous one. Was this other person afraid? Most likely.
"I don't give a fucking damn! Shepard is still there! She might still be alive !" Again that familiar voice. The voice that I had grown to love throughout all these 3 – almost 4 – years. Kaidan. The moment I remembered his name I tried to stand up, reach out, as if the person was near me. I could hear him! Sudden pain in my side made me fall back on the rubble and a growl escaped my lips. Not a growl rather, but a whisper – my throat was sore and dry as if the last time I drank anything was years ago.
My thoughts were interrupted again by that unfamiliar voice. "Major, we cannot risk an operation there –"Once again it was cut off, but not by Kaidan. My Kaidan.
"Major Alenko, calm down." This voice was familiar as well...but as I tried to remember the name my head felt like it was about to explode from the pain. "We will get a team ready as soon as the Reapers leave that area."
"By that time Shepard will die!" Kaidan's voice was shaking even more now. Why? What has happened that had hurt him so much? Damn, if only I could stand up.
Only now I noticed that I was lying with my eyes closed. Darkness changed to a blurry vision of something blue and gray. No matter how much I tried to blink the blurriness wouldn't go away. What was this? As I reached out my fingers touched something solid – it was gray and hard…concrete.
"I know…I know." Hackett. Finally my mind managed to remember the other man's name. He also sounded worried, scared even.
Only now had I realized that they were talking about me. Why didn't I notice them call out my name before? Shepard. Me.
My hand reached out to the radio device placed in my ear. My helmet was gone, or rather I felt that it somehow melted down because I felt the radio device ruined as if someone had placed it in a microwave and then back in my ear.
"This is Commander Shepard." My voice was shacking, I could barely hear it myself. Lips were dry, when I tried to lick them I felt a salty taste - dried blood – and with each word that I said my throat responded with a slight cough and pain. "Status…report." As I managed to squeeze out these last words my hand fell limply beside me. No more strength to move or even talk.
Probably my sudden appearance on the radio made everyone shocked because everything suddenly went silent. How much time has passed? For me it felt like hours before finally someone began talking on the radio again, but probably for the rest only a few seconds have passed.
"Shepard? What's your location?" Kaidan's voice stopped shacking. What a relief. But now he sounded even more scared than before, confused. Another growl escaped my lips – his voice was so loud that I felt like my head was being drilled. Yet I wanted to hear more. More of his voice. I wanted to hear him all the time; his voice was the only thing keeping me sane throughout all these years.
Come on. Move…move…move! I could barely move my hand, let alone raise it up to press on the device in my ear. This weakness was unusual, strange and…it scared me. Slowly I managed to raise my arm and press on the device. "I…do not know. There is…rubble…around me. Can see something blue to the right…probably the beam." To say the truth I was amazed that I could still talk. My throat responded to every said word in waves of pain, mouth was full of something salty. Something warm slid down the corner of my mouth.
Clenching my teeth I tried to move. Get up. Look around. Easier said than done. Yet somehow I managed to move up but not stand up. Back was brushing against the concrete, right leg finally began to move – it was probably crushed under one of the broken concrete's pieces – and by pressing the piece with my foot I managed to lean against something behind me. At least now I was sitting.
"…Commander!" Because of the sudden change of position my head was spinning and I felt my stomach turn. Only now had I noticed that Kaidan was trying to reach out to me through the radio once again. "Shepard don't you dare die on me, you hear me?" This phrase made me smirk – damn, what an asshole I am to laugh at someone worrying about you. "I hear you…Kaidan." My voice fully disappeared, now it was only whispers. I turned my head to the right so that the button would be pressed by the nearby broken Mako's wheel.
Left hand was pressing against the side of my abdomen that was sending waves of pain with every taken breath. Broken ribs maybe? No. Can't be. They are slightly up…though no, scratch that. Some of them are surely broken. Why else would I not be able to breathe normally? But then why…No. No, it can't be.
Finally I managed to force myself to look down at the side. Armor was melted down at some parts, it was fully gone on my left arm but now something else was covering it. Something red. I was bleeding . How many times was I hurt to such a state? Sure there were bullets, but armor and barriers have kept me from sustaining any major wounds. Here…my side was bleeding nonstop no matter how hard I pressed on it. I was scared. My head began to spin; the weakness came back as soon as I realized that I was bleeding. No. As soon as I realized that I was dying. For the second time in my life.
How was it before? When I was dying after the Normandy got destroyed? I do not remember. I could only remember the pain in my lungs as I was gasping for air that didn't exist around me at that moment.
"…Shepard. Light a flare. We will send a team after you…just hang on, alright?" Again that wonderful voice. My eyes closed as I listened to him.
"No." I took a deep breath – bad move by the way because my broken ribs did not like it in the least – and opened my eyes. "There is no point Kaidan. You know it as well. I…won't make it by the time you get here." Yes, he won't make it. I was wounded, heavily. Lost too much blood…why is this happening? Why can't this all end, and I will just wake up, again in his warm arms around my body. Is that too much to ask for? After everything that I have done? Crap...
"No, no, Shepard, we will make it. I will make it! We will get you out of there – damn it, someone track her signal and get me a location! – and we will patch you up, get you on the Normandy and… and everyone will be happy to see you again…Fucking damn, work faster!" His voice began to shake once again, it was mixed with anger and sorrow just like the first time I heard him when I woke up. I reached out, as if trying to place my hand on his soft cheek to calm him down, only to place it on the concrete above me. Tears were pouring down my face.
I was not scared of dying. Hell, sometimes I wanted to die and finally rest. I could give away my life without a second thought if it meant saving my loved ones, hell, even to save the galaxy. But now…I was afraid to loose him again. To not see him again. To not feel his warm lips over mine. To not wake up in his arms again and sneak out quietly not to wake him up.
I covered my face with my right hand – the left one was still covering the wound as if that did any good – to brush off the tears. "I…am sorry, Kaidan." The moment that I closed my eyes I saw his smile. How I loved it…so gentle, so loving. I would give up everything just to see it again. "No, Nataly, everything will be fine…just…wait, hang on, ok?" I could hear that he didn't believe himself already. He was breathing heavily – probably running – and no doubt crying as much I was now.
I can't loose you again.
"Sorry, I was not able to keep my promise and stay safe…" coughing interrupted me from talking, drops of blood covered my hand after I stopped.
"No, no, no! Don't talk like that! Everything will be fine, you'll see!" I felt my eyes close once again against my will. The pain was disappearing, breathing became harder and harder with each passing second. "Just don't die…please, don't die. We will get you out of there...and we will go on a shore leave. Relax…remember I talked about owning a land near the seaside? We will build a house there…and live there. Just please…hang on."
Living with Kaidan. That is something that I wished for years already. Away from all this mess. Just him and me. This thought made me smile. "I am sorry…Kaidan." My whispering was barely heard, talking was harder because of the weakness. "It's been an ho –" I was cut off by his sudden yelling – "Don't you dare say that! It's not over! You are still alive…we will get you out of there…just please don't give up…I'm begging you." His words made more tears run down from my eyes once again.
This weakness was pissing me off to say the truth. Crying while being wounded. Like a little girl. I hated this part of myself. Guess that makes me more like a human than a walking cyborg that some people saw me as.
"I love you, Kaidan." My voice was now gone completely, or whatever was left of it…I was tired. Forcing my eyes open was now impossible…I could see his face…that smile…those warm eyes, as if he was standing right in front of me. I wanted to reach out, wanted to touch him…for the last time…My hand fell down a few seconds after I managed to forced it up and reach out to the imaginary image in my mind.
"I love you too, Nataly. I will always love you…and will never forget you…" Darkness covered me completely now. Kaidan's face was slowly disappearing…his words echoing in my mind. He said something else…but I could not hear him anymore. I could not hear anything anymore.
I'm already working on the second chapter, so probably will update it in a few days - need to get more Mass Effect 3 inspiration ;D