Introduction—Donya Consolacion

"Fuck you! And your Jew dogs!" Such wonderful last words for a man getting bludgeoned to death by a baseball bat-crazy Jewish sergeant. Blood continually flowed from his mouth as he held up his bent, shaking arms, the Bear Jew relentless in the beating.

"Wait!" a young olive-skinned female emerged from the stone alcove where Sgt. Donnowitz had come from. The Nazi looked up from the blood and dirt as the 15-year-old in drag approached. His teary men, on their knees, poked with Karabiner 98k rifles, hoped the young woman would end the pitiless torture.

Donny stifled a scoff through his nostrils, bat on his shoulders as her boots reached the bleeding commander.

"First of all," she reached for an object at her waist, obscured by her oversized jacket. "I prefer cats. Second," the silence in the entire trail allowed a sound like metal grinding against a material to ring through the group. The Basterds smirked and some even whistled. All hope for the Nazi platoon had evaporated like their commander's last breath.

"I'm Catholiiiic!" she shrieked as an elongated blade at her hands emerged from its hidden hilt and was thrust into the dying commander. She cackled as she sliced. She stabbed him once, twice, thrice, it did not matter. All what was left was a perforated, bloody carcass and a cross-dressing, half-way insane, trigger-and-hilt-happy young woman who had splattered scarlet into her salt-and-pepper strands.

Lt. Aldo Raine remembered vividly.

"That sound good?" he demanded at his line-up of 7.

"Sir, yessir!" they shouted back.

But behind the men came a huff and puffed bundle—a brown- skinned lad who couldn't even grow facial hair yet and was no taller than Pfc. Hirschberg panted to keep up.

"Reporting," he inhaled, fingers to the rim of his beret. "For duty, sir." The boy dropped a sack at his side as he laid his salute down at "At ease."

"We's already locked an' loaded, private. No need—"

"But sir, I insist," the lad's voice seemed to sound higher.

The Apache circled him 'round like a vulture.

"Son, we don' need no dead weight. Let alone—" he swiftly yanked the boy's beret; the other hand pulled the first two buttons of the loose jacket.

"—a distraction." The men couldn't help but lean in their direction.

Black hair lined with little silver strands cascaded down the "young man's" shoulders. Lt. Raine's fingertips were high above the inner white shirt's small mounds but little below her clavicle.

"Now. Who are you?" he removed his hand and gave her beret back which she brought down on her head.

"I am Private First Class Maria y Avaloneada. And… I wish to join you."

"Now I reckon yer not from 'round here."

"Uh, no, I'm Filipino—"

"Yer English sounds pretty American." Maria smiled.

"I'm well-to-do—I studied English before coming to France… But I couldn't learn Italian or French or…."

"German?" Sgt. Donny Donnowitz butt in.

"Yeah. I was sent here to learn premed. Then this war broke out. And voila, here I am."

"That "voila" the only French you parlais, private?" Aldo continued to ask.

"Yea… pretty much."

"You Jewish, darlin'?"

"As Jewish as I'm a guy."

"I see."

Aldo faced his men and examined them all.

"Anybody itchin' to speak against Ms. Av-NYAY-duh?"

"Yea, I am." Aldo's second swaggered over to the two. "Can lil' Ms. Maria the shiksa here meet a quota of a hundred Nazi scalps?"

The young woman let out a petite smirk.

"I knew you'd be asking for an audition," she stooped down at the sack to her left. "One question, though." Suddenly, the smell of rotting blood filled the air as the Lieutenant and Sergeant saw Maria's finger's clutching two light-haired pieces of skin. One of them seemed to have bone poking through, like the plate under a meal of meat.

"With or without skullcaps?"

Author's Notes:

-So my first ever fanfic…. All criticisms are welcome—good, bad, ugly, tomato, whatever—be honest!

-a katana is usually used in slashing and slicing rather than stabbing but Maria wouldn't know anyhow.

-"Donya Consolacion" is a character of Jose Rizal's Noli me Tangere. She is an ugly pretentious woman yet is cast as "muse of the alperez (the police back in the day)" because she is the commander's wife.

Now, Maria's not pretentious but neither is she too ugly or too pretty. I gave that as a title because Donya Consolacion thought of badass ways to torture—and so will Maria be The Basterds' muse of torture.

Gratuitous title or not, that's up to you.

-Maria's katana. Now what could a cross-dressing 15-year-old Filipina in France do with a weapon like that? Hmm…. Makes ya wonder, don' it? You'll learn soon enough…..

-Hm. Catholic. Filipino. Non-Jewish. What could she have against the Nazis? Ooh, look the following chapters!

-Yes, Maria's an Author Avatar.

-PLEASE! Tell me if I'm going Mary Sue with Maria! I don't wanna end up like…. *SHRUG*