-Year Two: Chapter XXV: Polyjuice-

"Dumb-ass."

"Asshole."

"Waste of space."

"Bitch."

"That's clever."

"Better than half of the stupid shit you repeat every single time I come in here. Seriously, aren't foxes supposed to be clever?"

"You try coming up with original, witty remarks when you see the same thing day after day; which also happens to be your mind, which is empty, unsurprisingly."

"Yeah, this also happens to store all of my memories and emotions, motherfucker! Use something against me, make me cry, feel insecure, replay my worst memory over and over again like the psycho, crazy, cat hybrid you are!"

"I would if you didn't deny me access to them!"

"Maybe you could access them if you, hmm, I don't know, actually tried!"

"You didn't block access…"

"No. Who's the dumb-ass now?"

"Listen brat, I will fucking murder you."

Naruto grabbed his head when the Kyuubi slammed itself into his cage, rattling his mind. "Why'd you do that…? There aren't enough drugs in the world to stop the headache I'm going to have… I'm supposed to go around town with Camille and do Christmas stuff…and things."

"Neat… What are you going to do about your living situation, food, water, not getting killed by ninjas sent to murder you?"

Naruto scratched the back of his head sheepishly, refusing to make eye contact. "I don't know."

Silence filled the room as the Kyuubi stared his container down. He couldn't understand his container. The kid was a walking contradiction. "I know you'll figure something out. When it comes to Konoha, just remember this. They will not hesitate to kill your friends to get to you. Pansy, Theodore, Blaise, Hermione, Draco, Camille… All of them are at risk being around you. If Konoha isn't going to hesitate, neither should you. Slaughter them all. Show no mercy, Naruto."

Naruto nodded before he was pushed out of his mind. He cracked one eye open and found himself lying on Camille's bed with her standing over him with a bucket of water in her hand. "What's the water for…?"

"To wake you up, Whiskers!" Camille set the bucket on her desk before climbing on top of Naruto, straddling him. "It's about time too. Daddy has this weird thing about leaving and arriving on time."

Naruto sighed and rubbed his eyes. It was too early for this kind of thing; he swore sleeping in on a holiday weekend was a requirement. "Where are we going exactly?"

"The Mall, bitch!" She exclaimed as she ripped the blanket off of him. "We still have a half hour before we're supposed to leave, but I wanted to explore a bit."

"Explore?" Naruto squeaked, the cold air chilling his body. Camille gave him a small smile and placed her lips gently against his."

-Entourage-

Blaise looked at Theodore who was bouncing a snow ball in his hand, a wolfish smirk plastered on his face. "So… What exactly do you plan on doing with that?"

"Seeing as your about to be an accomplice, I'll fill you in." Theodore looked around the area, making sure his target didn't sneak by him. "Lockhart likes to walk this route to his office everyday. Same time, same stupid ass walk, same air of arrogance, and same set of eye sore robes… anyway, I'm going to knock his teeth out with this ball of snow."

"You're going to knock his teeth out…with a ball of snow…" Blaise said slowly. "You do realize that isn't going to work right?"

"Yes, Blaise, I'm aware it's a ball of snow; soft, powdery, snow that wouldn't be able to break the weakest windows, which is why I froze it!"

"What if you kill him…?"

"Good riddance."

Blaise took a step away from his friend, the evil glint in his eyes unnerving him a little. The sound of footsteps echoed off the stone floor, alerting them both of Lockhart's presence. "Don't puss out…"

Theodore squinted at Blaise in annoyance before tapping his ball of icy death three times with his wand, making sure it was still solid. Cocking his arm back, his tongue slightly stuck out in concentration, he corrected his aim before hurling the snowball in Lockhart's direction. Both boys watched the ball soar through the air towards their target. Theodore's eyes lit up in excitement when he noticed it was going hit his target while Blaise's went wide when he realized it wasn't going to hit the chosen spot. The sound of ice cracking skull entered the boy's ears along with the sound of a body dropping to the floor. Theodore stared at the motionless Lockhart with an unreadable expression. "Oh boy."

"Good shot," Blaise muttered.

"I missed his teeth…"

"Obviously."

"I think that shiny red liquid is blood."

"Probably."

"Weird. I thought my aim was on point."

"You might have killed him."

Theodore squinted at his targets body, trying to see him better. "Nah, he's just unconscious," said Theodore as Lockhart's leg twitched.

"Ah, so that means he has a concussion most likely."

Like clockwork, the cogs started to turn in the boy's heads as they looked at each other, eyes wide with panic. They both ran over their professor's body, which still had yet to move, and started pacing back and forth. "We're going to Azkaban, Blaise!"

"You're going to Azkaban! You threw the bloody ball!"

"That may be so, but you watched! You didn't even attempt to stop me! You're just as guilty!"

Blaise rubbed the top of his head, panic starting to fill his entire body. "Maybe we should carry him to the infirmary…"

Theodore instantly stopped pacing and gave Blaise a disgusted glare. "Ew, no. I'm not touching him. I'd rather be in Azkaban."

Blaise rolled his eyes, pulled out his wand and pointed it at the bleeding, unconscious professor. "Mobilicorpus."

Theodore watched as Lockhart's body rose into the air. "Well than. Seeing as that's now settled and we're both germ free, we need to come up with a very convincing lie."

-Entourage-

Naruto stared at the feet of a security guard who was standing in front of the clothing rack him and Camille were hiding under with mild annoyance. So what if he was only in his boxer shorts with a back pack? He knew for a fact none of the male population had a problem with Camille who was also in her underwear. If they could just get out of the store and into a bathroom to change back into their clothes everything would be dandy. Maybe even put the dress that Camille just had to have back on the rack as well. Get these tight-ass rent-a-cops off their backs. Naruto looked at Camille who was biting her lip; gaze still locked on their pursuer. "You know… Under any other circumstance I would ask if you wanted to try for round two…"

Camille slowly looked at Naruto, her cheeks now sporting a blush. "You don't take a lady to the toilet to fuck…Its not exactly sanitary."

"I'm pretty sure we could find a fitting room…"

"Be my Superman and save me from this mess and I'll think about it."

Naruto let a small smirk slide onto his face as he grabbed her hand. "Hang on tight, baby girl, because we're about to start leaping tall buildings in a single bound."

Camille watched as Naruto untied the Security Guards shoes and retied them together. "We are making a run for it aren't we?" All she got was a nod in reply. Without missing a beat they both bolted out from under the rack and made their way towards the exit. The guard tried to chase after them only for his shoelaces to catch, causing him to fall over. She couldn't help but let a grin crawl across her face as she could see mothers covering their child's eyes. Never in a million years would she have guessed that she would be running through a mall in just her underwear. Her mother would not be proud.

Naruto pushed a plump lady out of his way while ducking under man who had his arms extended out in front him, examining an ugly Snowman Sweater. The sound of his feet smacking against the marble floor and Camille giggling behind him as they both dived into an elevator. His eyes widened slightly as he saw a couple of employees running towards the door. Hoping the button to close the doors wasn't just for looks, he started to press it rapidly. "Come on, come on, come on, shit, come on!"

"YES!" Camille shouted as the doors started to close. She winked at one of the guards before giving him the finger as the doors closed completely. "That was close! Thought for sure we were fucked when the doors weren't closing."

Naruto grinned and relaxed a bit as the elevator continued to descend towards the bottom floor. He looked at Camille and let his eyes wander, head to her toes and coming back up to stop on her chest. "Someone's a little cold."

Green eyes dropped to Naruto's lower region and twinkled with mirth. "Like you have room to talk, Whiskers."

-Entourage-

Christmas morning dawned, cold and white. Harry and Ron, the only ones left in their dormitory, were woken very early by Hermione, who burst in, fully dressed and carrying presents for them both.

"Wake up," she said loudly, pulling back the curtains at the window.

"Hermione - you're not supposed to be in here -" said Ron, shielding his eyes against the light.

"Merry Christmas to you, too," said Hermione, throwing him his present. "I've been up for nearly an hour, adding more lacewings to the potion. It's ready."

Harry sat up, suddenly wide awake.

"Are you sure?"

"Positive," said Hermione, shifting Scabbers the rat so that she could sit down on the end of Ron's four-poster. "If we're going to do it, I say it should be tonight."

-E-

The Great Hall looked magnificent. Not only were there a dozen frost-covered Christmas trees and thick streamers of holly and mistletoe crisscrossing the ceiling, but enchanted snow was falling, warm and dry, from the ceiling. Dumbledore led them in a few of his favorite carols, Hagrid booming more and more loudly with every goblet of eggnog he consumed. Percy, who hadn't noticed that Fred had bewitched his prefect badge so that it now read "Pinhead," kept asking them all what they were sniggering at. Harry didn't even care that Draco Malfoy was making loud, snide remark about his new sweater from the Slytherin table. With a bit of luck, Malfoy would be getting his comeuppance in a few hours' time.

Theodore stared at the kid sitting in front him with distain. He glanced at Pansy who was talking to him, ignoring everything going around her. It was her fault. She just had to say yes and scoot over. His gaze turned back towards Liam who sent him a worried look before quickly snapping it back to Pansy. He hated Ravenclaw. He hated every house to be honest but Ravenclaw was pretty high up. Good solid number three. He looked at Draco who was glaring at Liam with so much hate that he swore the temperature dropped just a bit.

Draco set his fork down and clenched his fists. "You're not welcome here, Liam."

Liam flinched at how the blond said his name, spitting it out like it was poison. "W-what?"

"Get off that bench and make your way back to your table. Trash isn't allowed here."

"B-but Pansy said it would be okay-"

"She said it was okay for you to eat with her, she didn't say it was okay to actually sit at our table. If you want to eat with her that's fine, but you are not allowed to be in that spot."

"Where a-am I supposed to s-sit…?" Liam looked at Pansy hoping she would say something but to his disappointment she didn't say one word. Her attention was on her plate, her eyes completely unfocused. His head snapped into the direction of a female voice that had cut in. He shrunk into his seat when he saw Daphne; her eyes were cold as ice and they were focused on him.

"The only seat available is the floor; where you belong. If you want to eat with her you can do it off of the floor." Daphne waited a second before picking his plate up off the table and throwing it onto the dirty cold ground. "Hurry up, your presence is ruining my dinner."

Liam quickly stood up and quickly walked back to his table, wiping his eyes in the process. Daphne, happy that he finally left, took a bite of her food; it tasted amazing. She glanced at the now open spot next to Pansy. "I'd bleach that area if I was you, don't know what he is carrying."

-E-

Professor Snape eyed the Great Hall, looking for anyone who could be causing trouble. The other staff members were distracted, talking to each other, completely oblivious of anything going around them which wasn't a lot. His attention snapped from the tables to a very familiar owl with orange eyes flying directly towards him, a letter tied to its leg. He looked at the Slytherin table and noticed that Draco, Theodore, Blaise, and Pansy had noticed the owl as well. Teddy landed on the table and stretched out its leg and let out an impatient hoot. Snape quickly untied the letter and pushed his plate towards the owl, letting the bird pick its own 'treat.'

"Diagon Alley"

Snape showed the letter to Dumbledore who gave him a small nod and without a word he left the Great Hall.

Theodore glanced at Pansy and Draco before returning his gaze back to the staff table. "What do you think is going on?"

"I don't know but Snape seemed to leave rather hastily. Not to kill the mood or anything but do you think something is wrong?" Replied Draco

Pansy stayed silent while Theodore took on a thoughtful expression. "Well I'm assuming if something bad was happening Snape wouldn't have left alone. Maybe Naruto is coming back and they're just meeting up…?"

"It's possible, but when it comes to Naruto, nobody can be too positive." Said Draco whose eyes were locked onto Harry, Ron, and Hermione who were rushing out of the Great hall.

-E-

"We still need a bit of the people you're changing into," said Hermione matter-of-factly, as though she were sending them to the supermarket for laundry detergent. "And obviously, it'll be best if you can get something of Blaise and Theodore's; they're both one of Malfoys best friends, he'll tell them anything. And we also need to make sure the real Blaise and Theodore can't burst in on us while we're interrogating him.

"I've got it all worked out," she went on smoothly, ignoring Harry's and Ron's stupefied faces. "All you need to do is catch both of them by surprise and Stupefy them. Hide their bodies in broom closet, and be on your merry way." Harry and Ron looked incredulously at each other.

"Hermione, I don't think-"

"That could go seriously wrong-"

But Hermione had a steely glint in her eye not unlike the one Professor McGonagall sometimes had.

"The potion will be useless without Blaise and Theodore's hair," she said sternly. "You do want to investigate Malfoy, don't you?"

"Oh, all right, all right," said Harry. "But what about you? Whose hair are you ripping out?"

"I've already got mine!" said Hermione brightly, pulling a tiny bottle out of her pocket and showing them the single hair inside it. "Remember Millicent Bulstrode wrestling with me at the Dueling Club? She left this on my robes when she was trying to strangle me! And she's gone home for Christmas - so I'll just have to tell the Slytherins I've decided to come back."

When Hermione had bustled off to check on the Polyjuice Potion again, Ron turned to Harry with a doom-laden expression. "I honestly don't think this is going to work, Harry. Blaise and Theodore? We might as well just turn ourselves in. Neither of them can be labeled as stupid… We know very little about them…"

-E-

But to Harry's and Ron's utter amazement, stage one of the operation went just as smoothly as Hermione had said. They lurked in the deserted entrance hall after Christmas tea, waiting for Theodore and Blaise who had remained alone at the Slytherin table, going over a book that he couldn't recognize. When they spotted Theodore and Blaise coming out of the Great Hall, Harry and Ron hid quickly behind a suit of armor next to the front door.

"Ready?" Asked Ron, his eyes never leaving the duo.

Harry nodded and pulled out his wand. "On the count of three…"

"One…"

"Two…"

"Three!"

Both of their spells hit their targets dead on, dropping the two Slytherins to the floor. By far the hardest part was hiding them in the closet across the hall, their bags weighing more than Hermione's, which was surprising as neither of them thought they would be heavy readers. Once they were safely stowed among the buckets and mops, Harry yanked out a couple of the bristles that covered Goyle's forehead and Ron pulled out several of Crabbe's hairs. They also stole their shoes, because neither of them of knew what size feet their victims were. Then, still stunned at what they had just done, they sprinted up to Moaning Myrtle's bathroom.

They could hardly see for the thick black smoke issuing from the stall in which Hermione was stirring the cauldron. Pulling their robes up over their faces, Harry and Ron knocked softly on the door.

"Hermione?"

They heard the scrape of the lock and Hermione emerged, shiny-faced and looking anxious. Behind her they heard the gloop gloop of the bubbling, glutinous potion. Three glass tumblers stood ready on the toilet seat.

"Did you get them?" Hermione asked breathlessly.

Harry showed her Theodore's hair.

"Good. And I sneaked these spare robes out of the laundry," Hermione said, holding up a small sack. "You'll need correct sizes."

The three of them stared into the cauldron. Close up, the potion looked like thick, dark mud, bubbling sluggishly.

"I'm sure I've done everything right," said Hermione, nervously rereading the splotched page of Moste Potente Potions. "It looks like the book says it should... once we've drunk it, we'll have exactly an hour before we change back into ourselves."

"Now what?" Ron whispered.

"We separate it into three glasses and add the hairs."

Hermione ladled large dollops of the potion into each of the glasses. Then, her hand trembling, she shook Millicent Bulstrode's hair out of its bottle into the first glass.

The potion hissed loudly like a boiling kettle and frothed madly. A second later, it had turned a sick sort of yellow.

"Urgh - essence of Millicent Bulstrode," said Ron, eyeing it with loathing. "Bet it tastes disgusting."

"Add yours, then," said Hermione.

Harry dropped Theodore's hair into the middle glass and Ron put Blaise's into the last one.

"Hang on," said Harry as Ron and Hermione reached for their glasses. "We'd better not all drink them in here... Once we turn into Blaise and Theodore we won't fit. Well... I guess those two aren't really the issue, it's the cow you're about to turn into."

"Good thinking," said Ron, ignoring Hermione's offended look and unlocking the door. "We'll take separate stalls. Don't want you to start mooing at us to move."

Careful not to spill a drop of his Polyjuice Potion, Harry slipped into the middle stall. "Ready?" he called.

"Ready," came Ron's and Hermione's voices.

"One - two - three-" All three of them gulped down their poisons. Harry lay facedown on the stone-cold floor, listening to Myrtle gurgling morosely in the end toilet. With difficulty, he kicked off his shoes and stood up. Removing his glasses, he unlocked the door and stepped out of the stall. Being in the body of Theodore didn't feel too different than his own, but yet again, it wasn't similar either. Looking at Ron who had stepped out of his own stall and was examining he hands in amazement. "You okay?"

"Bloody hell, Harry."

"Hermione, are you alright? We need to get going!" A high-pitched voice answered him.

"I - I don't think I'm going to come after all. You go on without me."

"Hermione, we know Millicent Bulstrode's ugly, no one's going to know it's you-"

"No - really - I don't think I'll come. You two hurry up, you're wasting time-"

Harry looked at Ron, bewildered. "Hermione, are you okay?" said Harry through the door.

"Fine - I'm fine - go on-"

Harry looked at his watch. Five of their precious sixty minutes had already passed.

"We'll meet you back here, all right?" he said. Without waiting for a response both of them marched straight for the exit. Harry opened the door of the bathroom carefully, checked that the coast was clear, and set off.

"Don't swing your arms like that," Harry muttered to Ron.

"Eh?"

"Blaise keeps his arms relaxed at his sides..."

"How's this?"

"Yeah, that's better..."

They went down the marble staircase. All they needed now was a Slytherin that they could follow to the Slytherin common room, but there was nobody around.

"Any ideas?" muttered Harry.

"The Slytherins always come up to breakfast from over there," said Ron, nodding at the entrance to the dungeons. The words had barely left his mouth when a girl with long, curly hair emerged from the entrance.

"Excuse me," said Ron, hurrying up to her. "We've forgotten the way to our common room."

"I beg your pardon?" said the girl stiffly. "Our common room? I'm a Ravenclaw." She walked away, looking suspiciously back at them. Harry and Ron hurried down the stone steps into the darkness, their footsteps echoing loudly as their feet hit the floor, feeling that this wasn't going to be as easy as they had hoped. The labyrinthine passages were deserted. They walked deeper and deeper under the school, constantly checking their watches to see how much time they had left. After a quarter of an hour, just when they were getting desperate, they heard a sudden movement ahead.

"Ha!" said Ron excitedly. "There's one of them now!" The figure was emerging from a side room. As they hurried nearer, however, their hearts sank. It wasn't a Slytherin, it was Percy. "What're you doing down here?" said Ron in surprise.

Percy looked affronted. "That," he said stiffly, "is none of your business. It's Blaise, isn't it?"

"Wh - oh, yeah," said Ron.

"Well, get off to your dormitories," said Percy sternly. "It's not safe to go wandering around dark corridors these days."

"You are," Ron pointed out.

"I," said Percy, drawing himself up, "am a prefect. Nothing's about to attack me." A voice suddenly echoed behind Harry and Ron. Draco Malfoy was strolling toward them, and for the first time in his life, Harry was pleased to see him.

"There you are," he drawled, looking at them. He looked at Percy, his posture instantly dropping into a reserved stance. "I've been looking for you; I want to show you something really funny. Of course… I'd rather it not be in front of this…pathetic excuse of a prefect."

Percy looked outraged. "You want to show a bit more respect to a school prefect!" he said. "I don't like your attitude!"

Malfoy sneered and motioned for Harry and Ron to follow him. Harry almost said something apologetic to Percy but caught himself just in time. He and Ron hurried after Malfoy, who said as they turned into the next passage, "That Peter Weasley-"

"Percy," Ron corrected him automatically.

"Whatever," said Malfoy. "I've noticed him sneaking around a lot lately. And I bet I know what he's up to. He thinks he's going to catch Slytherin's heir single-handed." He gave a short, derisive laugh. Harry and Ron exchanged excited looks. Malfoy paused by a stretch of bare, damp stone wall. "Of course," started Malfoy, looking between Harry and Ron suspiciously, "when you have your head so far up your ass you would attempt something out of your skill level…" Harry kept his eyes locked with Mafloy's, doing his best to stay in character. Draco looked over at Ron before returning his gaze back to Harry. "What's the new password again?"

"Er -" said Harry.

"Oh, yeah - pure-blood!" said Malfoy, his eyes hardening, and a stone door concealed in the wall slid open. Malfoy marched through it, and Harry and Ron followed him. The Slytherin common room was a long, low underground room with rough stone walls and ceiling from which round, greenish lamps were hanging on chains. A fire was crackling under an elaborately carved mantelpiece ahead of them, and several Slytherins were silhouetted around it in high-backed chairs. "Wait here," said Malfoy to Harry and Ron, motioning them to a pair of empty chairs set back from the fire. "I'll go and get it my father's just sent it to me-"

Wondering what Malfoy was going to show them, Harry and Ron sat down, doing their best to look at home. Malfoy came back a minute later, holding what looked like a newspaper clipping. He thrust it under Ron's nose. "That'll give you a laugh," he said.

Harry saw Ron's eyes widen in shock. He read the clipping quickly, gave a very forced laugh, and handed it to Harry. It had been clipped out of the Daily Prophet, and it said:

INQUIRY AT THE MINISTRY OF MAGIC

Arthur Weasley, Head of the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office, was today fined fifty Galleons for bewitching a Muggle car.

Mr. Lucius Malfoy, a governor of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, where the enchanted car crashed earlier this year, called today for Mr. Weasley's resignation. "Weasley has brought the Ministry into disrepute," Mr. Malfoy told our reporter. "He is clearly unfit to draw up our laws and his ridiculous Muggle Protection Act should be scrapped immediately."

Mr. Weasley was unavailable for comment, although his wife told reporters to clear off or she'd set the family ghoul on them.

"Well?" said Malfoy impatiently as Harry handed the clipping back to him. "Don't you think it's funny?"

"Ha, ha," said Harry bleakly.

"Arthur Weasley loves Muggles so much he should snap his wand in half and go and join them," said Malfoy scornfully. "You'd never know the Weasleys were pure-bloods, the way they behave." Ron's - or rather, Blaise's - face was contorted with fury. "What's up with you, Blaise?" snapped Malfoy.

"Stomachache," Ron grunted.

"Stomachache?" Asked Draco, "Since when do you eat enough to acquire a stomachache, Blaise?" Draco eyed them both suspiciously before standing up from the couch. "Wait here, I think I have something that can help… Next time have more self control…"

Harry looked at Ron who was going pale. "Really Ron, a stomachache?"

"I couldn't think of anything else! I panicked! Do you think he's on to us?"

"I don't think so…" said Harry slowly, "But just incase keep your guard up." They both waited for a couple minutes with anticipation for Draco to return. They couldn't exactly leave as that would confirm Malfoys suspicion. Harry's eyes widened when he saw Draco return with Pansy, both of their wands out. Standing up quickly, both him and Ron made an effort to grab their own wands, but were both too late as both Pansy and Draco shouted "Petrificus Totalus!" The spells hit both of them dead center in the chest causing both of them to drop to the floor.

Draco walked over to both of them, wand still out, Pansy in tow. "Do you two honestly think I'm that stupid? Theodore and Blaise aren't stupid, they both have already seen that news clipping, and Blaise wouldn't have corrected me when I called your brother Peter…" Draco watch as Ron's hair started to go back to its normal red and his nose slowly lengthening. "Of course it'd be you two…" Draco pointed his wand back at them, Pansy following suit. "Incarcerous," they both muttered as ropes instantly tied Harry and Ron up.

Harry felt himself relax and glared at both of the Slytherins staring down at them. "Let us go, Malfoy!"

"Or what, Potter?" Asked Draco kneeling down next to him. "You're not exactly in a position to be making demands here. Plus, if I let you go, I wouldn't be able to give you what you came here for."

"Draco… Careful what you tell them…"

"Don't worry Pansy, they just want to know who the heir is… right?" Seeing both Gryffindors staying silent, their full attention on him. "I know nothing."

Rons face went red with anger. "Don't lie to us, Malfoy! We know you're the one behind this!"

"Shut your mouth Weasley," Draco sneered. "Do you honestly think I could do all of this behind your precious Headmasters back? I'm a second-year, you stupid inbred. You'd know if it was me, Weasley, because I wouldn't spare your family, they'd be one of the first to die."

-End-