Botan's Story: Death

Characters: Botan

Pairings: None

Continuity: English Anime

Summary: You wouldn't think that death could be an abstract to someone who made her living ferrying the souls of the dead.

Author's note: I cried while writing this.

Botan loved her job. She got to meet such interesting people!

Some were old people, who'd seen and done just about everything in their long lives, and often loved to talk about them. Sometimes there were children, who were always excited about the grand adventure they were on, and rarely sad about leaving so soon—after all, their loved ones would follow them soon enough! Others had been sick or disabled for a long time, and relished the freedom from their earthly confinements.

But then there were those who spoke of regrets—of things left unsaid, of promises broken, of friends wronged.

Botan didn't like that as much.

She always urged them to be cheerful. After all, what was life—or whatever came beyond it—if you were too mired in the past to enjoy it?

But for the most part, her job was a lot of fun!

But that all changed the first time she had to ferry someone she knew.

No, she hadn't known Yusuke while he was still alive the first time—she hadn't met him until after he died, making it a purely professional relationship that had only later grown into comradeship and even friendship.

No, this was different.

She had known the instant Genkai died.

Her heart had frozen in horror, and then the reality had slowly grown into a horrible emptiness in the pit her stomach.

She knew what she would have to do.

And she would rather have done anything else in the world.

Botan was holed up in an empty corner, crying, when Koenma found her.

"She's ready."

Botan only cried harder, every attempt to control her breath only leading to more shuddering sobs.

Koenma stood silent for a moment, and then reached out and put a hand on her shoulder.

"I can get someone else if you need me to."

Botan shook her head, trying to find her voice.

"I…I need…" Her breath caught again. "…to do this," she finally finished. "It's the…the least I can do." The phrase proved too much for her, and she started sobbing again.

Koenma stood awkwardly behind her, hand still on her shoulder, until Botan took matters into her own hands. She flung herself around and buried herself in his arms, trying to seek some solace for her grief.

Koenma awkwardly patted her on the back until she regained some semblance of control and pulled herself up.

"Are you ready?"

Not trusting her voice, Botan nodded.

She thought she'd managed to get herself under control, but the instant she caught sight of Genkai's spirit, insubstantial and seeming far frailer than she ever had been in life, she lost it again.

Genkai only rolled her eyes at that.

"I'm…I'm sorry," gasped Botan. "I'm being…an idiot." She tried to smile, but it was forced.

"You don't need to cry for me," came Genkai's gruff voice, breaking through her sorrow. "I've had a long life, and while the end wasn't all I'd hoped, I'd say it was generally a good one."

Botan sniffed, trying to get ahold of herself again.

"Come on. What's there to wait for? Let's get going." Genkai jerked her thumb in the general direction of up.

Botan nodded and pulled out her oar.

"By the way, do you provide message service? Because I have a message I'd like delivered to a certain dimwit."

By the time Botan got back, she could behave normally again…or at least close enough.

She smiled and laughed and made kitty faces and did everything in her power not to spontaneously break down crying.

The other girls didn't know, and there was no way she could tell them.

Or, at least, she thought so.

It turned out one of them did, as she found out when she had to leave the group to pull herself together again.

Shizuru's words, though somewhat harsh—so much like Genkai's!—braced her.

She might still be bearing the same burden, but at least now she wasn't carrying it alone.

Kurama's fight with Karasu was horrible.

She hated seeing people get hurt under any circumstances, but this was cold-blooded torture.

And there was nothing she could do about it.

She was sure that she'd have to ferry another soul by the end of the fight.

Please no, please not another, please no…

Heart in her mouth, she watched as Karasu launched his final attack…and Kurama countered with more than anyone had thought he had left in him.

Because it was all he had left in him.

Botan clenched her fists in front of her mouth, feeling that horrible writhing sensation return to her stomach.

No please no please no please no…

When Kurama's hand twitched, she nearly choked.

When he slowly managed to pull himself to his feet, she almost fainted.

She wouldn't have to carry another companion to the afterlife.

Thank you.

Her job was never quite the same after that.

She found that she had a lot more empathy for the loved ones of those she had to take away. She still enjoyed hearing people's stories as she took them up, but now she was acutely aware of the bittersweet nature of their reminiscing.

This was true even after Genkai got a second chance at life.

The joy she felt, that they all felt, at her return could never erase the memory of pain—or the lessons she had learned from it.

She knew that one day Genkai would die again, that all her human friends would die, and eventually her demon friends too. She would probably have to ferry many of them across the River Styx before her own time came to find out what lay beyond the waystation that was spirit world.

But when she had to…she would be able to do it.