Find Me

Prologue: Dreams

Life was unlike anything they remembered. They were not organics but they were not synthetics either… They were both and, for some reason, Kaidan saw all of it as a gift… and as a curse.

Remembering Joker and EDI, how they'd stood together after the battle, Kaidan couldn't help but to think whatever had happened in the Citadel had been the best possible outcome. Joker was his friend, but he had been unable to fully live his life up until now. Now that he was partly synthetic, Vrolik's syndrome no longer was a burden to him. People who had been sick… to those, whatever their new life was, it was a gift… Shepard's gift.

Shepard… Just thinking about her weighted on Kaidan's heart. He had no idea what had happened on the Citadel, but one thing had been clear: Shepard had not made it out alive. They had scoured the rubble, searched every single place, but her body had just not been there. They'd found Anderson and the Illusive Man, both dead, and countless other bodies… But not Shepard's.

Shepard… Kaidan tried hard not to think about her again, but as it was usual, he failed. He remembered how soft and silky her dark brown hair had been as he tucked a lock behind her ear; he remembered how her warm lips had felt against his and how she'd kiss him as though there was nothing else in the universe except for them. Shepard had always had this way, this… exquisite manner that had made him feel as though he had been on top of the world so as long as he'd been with her.

Kaidan tilted his head up, trying to make the tears that threatened to fall from his eyes disappear. Shepard was gone. He would never look at her dark blue eyes again, nor melt under her smile, nor smell the rosemary in her hair, nor feel her sweet, tempting touch on his skin again.

It hadn't been long since she'd vanished, but Kaidan missed Shepard desperately already – a feeling he knew would only worsen with time.

And then, there were those dreams…

They had started a couple of weeks after the fight with the Reapers had been over with. He would be in this dark forest where he'd wander for hours. He'd see her across the distance and he would run to her, but he had never managed to get close enough to touch her. Shepard's lips would move, but no sound would come out of them and she'd disappear into the flames and Kaidan would wake up, all sweat and tears. He would search for her on the bed, but she was gone.

Gone. Shepard was gone.

It was a knife driven through his heart all over again and he found it difficult to breathe. The pain didn't get easier. After all, how could you ever recover from the loss of the love of your life? You didn't. You just… learned to live with it.

Living with it… it was the hardest thing Kaidan had ever had to do.

He looked down at his datapad. There were innumerous unread messages from Hackett, from the Council… and from Liara. Frowning, Kaidan opened the one sent by the asari. He had told her about the dreams, hoping it would ease his mind and make those dreams stop. They hadn't, but talking to Liara about those things had relieved him somehow.

Kaidan, the message read. I wish I had more comforting words to you, but recurring dreams are a normal thing when you're grieving. Shepard was something else, something entirely out of this universe. She was the kind of person who is born only once in a millennia and because she was such a great part of our lives, the hole she left behind was equally big.

I find myself remembering her a lot. The friendship we shared was special and Shepard was a friend like no other. Through thick and thin, she'd have your back, no matter what. I know she certainly had mine.

I hate to say this to you, Kaidan, but there is little hope she's alive. Our new form, this… mixture between synthetic and organic, I believe it was her final gift to us – to the entire universe. I believe she sacrificed herself to see that the cycle was never repeated – and, in return, made us all so much more than we originally were.

I know you miss her terribly. I do too, though perhaps not in the same way you do. And know that even though I have little hope, it's not as though as I have none. If there's even the smallest chance Shepard's alive, I'd turn the whole universe upside down just to find her. As I know you would.

Please keep in touch.

Your friend,

Liara

Kaidan closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. Liara, too, had little hope, but she had some, however small a fragment it might be.

Hope… Shepard had always had it and for her, Kaidan would have it too.

Kaidan set down his datapad, his lids suddenly heavy. He felt a migraine coming up and once more, he hurt just from remembering how Shepard would always help him through those. She'd lie beside him and would tangle her fingers in his hair. She would kiss his forehead, then the tip of his nose, then his lips… Those dark blue eyes would stare into his and Kaidan would get lost in them.

He wished he could get lost in those eyes, so dark a blue they seemed black, right now.

Kaidan moved to the makeshift bed he had been assigned in one of the few buildings that were still intact in London. Outside, the noises of reconstruction could be heard through the entire night, but he had learned how to live with them.

He sat on the bed and rubbed his eyes. How long had it been since he'd last slept? Twenty-four hours? More? It certainly felt as though he'd been awake for more than a day. Not even bothering to take off his clothes, Kaidan fell back on the bed and covered himself with the thin sheet he'd been provided.

As soon as he closed his eyes, he was back in that dark forest. As usual, he wandered through its somber corners. Kaidan knew he was asleep – he had had this dream so often it was impossible not to know he was dreaming, - and he could control a measure of his dream. He could control enough of it to know he wanted to find Shepard.

He saw a column of light and, as usual, Shepard was standing stark-naked under it. However, unlike in previous dreams, Kaidan could see tubes going into her arms, connecting her to some sort of machine high up in the air.

She looked… tired and wan, but he could tell she was fighting, she was…

He stepped closer and Shepard's lips moved. Kaidan expected no sound to come out of them, but this time around… He heard her voice. Her sweet, deep, beautiful voice, shaping up words and, for the first time, he managed to hear what she had been saying.

"Find me," Shepard said. "Please find me."

Suddenly, Kaidan's eyes shot open. His heart was racing and his breathing was shallow, desperate.

"Find me," she had said. All along, the Shepard in his dreams had tried to tell him to find her… She'd been trying for so long that she exhausted herself and only now, after all this time, did Kaidan manage to hear it.

Shepard had told him of dreams that had plagued her ever since Earth had been attacked. Dreams in a dark forest, where she searched for a child she had seen die. She told him she had heard Ash, Legion, Mordin, lots of people in those dreams and that one voice had begged her to wake up. Shepard had thought those were no common dreams and this… There was no way this was a common dream either.

A beacon of hope lighted his chest.

Somewhere out there, Shepard was alive… And he was going to find her.