When Pretty Vampire Boy Falls For Random Human Girl...I Have to Clean Up their Shit

Hypothesis: Hyuga Neji, Vampire Prince of Hyuga Weirdos, will eat new girl Tenten through a new strategy called "flirting," or however Hyugas define it

The life of a teenage vampire slayer is not a desired one.

No, seriously, why was I born this way? My clan has been slaying vampire for generations so naturally, my parents forced me to do it. Otherwise, I'm disowned. Talk about parental support. Actually, they threaten to kick me out of the house for many reasons: grades, laziness, not making babies with Ino, the list grows every year.

But unfortunately, slaying vampires should be the second priority in life behind school. My mother will also kick me out of the house if I don't attend university studying to be a part-time lawyer, doctor, or engineer. I know I'm smart, I just don't want to pick up the damn pencil. Or a sword. Or a garlic-scented gun. I want to spend the rest of my life at the beach, but life is unfair, so I do whatever my parents say.

So what do I do as an undercover teenage vampire slayer at high school? Observe for dangerous vampires, I suppose. I'm not very attentive to this. Even when I do recognize them, I'm too tired from classes to kill them off. I might throw garlic or shine a giant flashlight to their faces, hoping they disintegrate. I can't do that anymore since they've grown immunity to garlic (damnit).

What a dream job. Only my parents would yell about grades, then wonder why I'm not killing off vampires after sightings at my school. I never want to argue.

In Tokyo, the most prominent vampire clans the Hyuga. They're incredibly pale with freakish white eyes and they apparently wake up flawlessly beautiful. We made some pact some days ago regarding the Hyugas' supposedly new "vegetarian" status (lame). Sadly, we have no right to hunt down. It's dumb really because I know they're still thirsty for human blood but since I'm not the chief, I can't do anything. Also, on top of consistently sucking blood from every bird I've cherished, Hyuga Neji throws off the curve for every class I take with him.

Darn the Hyuugas. I can't do anything with them. Except be forced to keep a very close eye at them at school. There's nothing like going to high school sitting in the same cafeteria as vampires. Shame that no one else is aware of it. They've been trained not to bring attention, which isn't so hard when Hinata is super shy to everybody, but come on, Neji: stop aceing every exam! It's already enough that I have to stalk you like a weirdo.

There is no way they've suddenly gone "good" simply by sucking the blood of random animals. There's been an increase of perceived suicide within Tokyo and I know a whole bunch of idiots did not decide to blank out in the middle of nowhere from internal blood loss. The Hyuugas are behind this, I just know. They've got new strategies up their sleeves. But how are they accomplishing this?

High school is boring nowadays. Kakashi bought the new edition of his porn books, Orochimaru-sensei crept on Kabuto as usual, new girl name Tenten arrived, student president Sakura harassed everybody about spirit week, Naruto challenges everybody to a fist fight, Hyuga Neji continued as the creepy nerd, blah blah blah-OH SHIT I FORGOT TO FIX MY BRAKES! DAMN TRUCK DECIDES TO SWERVE RIGHT WHEN I ENTER THE SCHOOL PARKING LOT-AW SHIT NEW GIRL GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY! WHY CAN'T YOU MOVE, YOU FEEBLE WIMP! YOU HAVE HEALTHY LEGS DON'T BE-

Okay, my truck stopped. Good, new girl isn't dead. I've escaped a lawsuit-hold up, why is there a large dent in the front? Which loser did this-

Oh, it's Hyuga Neji. He palmed it so hard I have a crater on my truck. Typical vampires. I bet he intentionally destroyed my truck for all his slained vampire buddies.

All while blocking my truck from the new girl?

He's staring at her strangely, something I haven't seen in the Hyuga vampires in a while. Tenten and Neji haven't blinked in a minute. They're speechless. Oh my god.

Neji is going to eat her next.

Damnit, now I have to waste my sorry life protecting this dumb human. I can tell she's just as confused and attracted to Neji as well. "Oh, what is this feeling? Why is he so interesting? It must be his eyes? Why is my heart beating so fast? Could it be...lo-"

No, dumb bitch, don't you know he's a monster that will devour your hair buns? But naturally, you're an innocent, human civilian blissfully unaware of the magical dangers that lurk in Tokyo.

And even though he looks like the creepiest creep in Japan constantly staring at her, Tenten finds it attractive. She asks all my classmates about Neji. She's always staring at him as if it's the most sane thing for a teenage girl to do. Hell, she even decided to talk to him for the first time in Chemistry. He's so mysterious and interesting now that he finds her interesting. And he walks her home. Without eating her.

What a grand twist of events for the new girl. This really shouldn't concern me, but unfortunately, it does.

Because when there's a delay, then there's a grand scheme of devouring humans.

"Son, you must observe the Hyuga heir." was my father's order. To translate: "stalk that white-eye weirdo that's gonna eat that random human." I swear, if my mother yells at me for chasing teenage vampires over studying, I will emancipate myself.

Then again, my family is loaded. Unlike hipsters, I like having money with no effort. It's too troublesome to work.

I mock them for being creepy, but constantly tracking all their dates is exhausting and just as creepy too. Hell, how am I not recorded as a vampire stalker? A judgmental one too. They have the most awkward flirting game happening every date. Too many times they want to kiss, but Neji pulls away. Maybe he's afraid to eat her in public and be persecuted for life. Serves him right-Whoa, they're leaving for his truck? Why are they going off the road? To the forest?

I seriously believe this is the moment he will eat her. Who would believe going to a forest in the middle of winter is romantic? Vampires. Only they would disregard someone's need for warmth for their selfish desires.

He's giving some speal about resisting himself from Tenten, so she blabs about online research (huh, the information she's spilling is rather accurate considering the sketchy origins of the Internet). She knows what he is apparently. Oh damn, is she gonna cut him? Is she going to murder him? She actually does look fit enough to throw a thousand daggers at him. That way, I don't have to do the dirty job. I can walk away without any effort and return back to my naps-holy shit, when did it get so bright and glittery and-

Goddamnit. Neji just revealed himself and all his glory at the exact moment the sun hits right there. Why else would he shining bright like a disco ball. What does this mean?

He's going to eat her.

Oh, I should probably do something, should I? Nah, maybe I should place my faith in Tenten. She seems to be doing well, or somewhat decent as she gawks and stares in awe and love and- hey hey hey, human, you're not supposed to lean in closer. Why are your noses touching? Why are your foreheads touching? Why are you breathing so deeply that I can hear ten feet away-FUCK IT'S A TRAP IT'S A TRAP HE'S GONNA SUCK HER BLOOD FROM HER MOUTH!

STOP KISSING HIM OH MY GOD WHY ARE YOU MAKING OUT YOU'RE GONNA DIE! YOU ARE SO YOUNG, TENTEN! YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR-THIS HUMAN! WHY ARE YOU SO DUMB! AND WHY DO I KEEP REFERRING YOU AS A "HUMAN" WHEN I'M HUMAN TOO?

I don't got time for this identity crisis. I need to protect dumb, innocent civilians. Of course, the only makeshift weapon I can do in seconds is a silver rock and a giant rubber band for a Physics project. I could probably do an amateur slingshot and use my lighter (nobody tell my mother I smoke, she would burn me) to add fire-GODDAMNIT, TENTEN IS DYING! WHY ELSE IS SHE LOSING HER BREATH FROM KISSING NEJI?! WHY DONT YOU SPARE THE HUMAN?!

Where are the werewolves? We've got some alliances to be made. I know they've been dying to rid the vampires. Maybe I can manipulate them to do my dirty work. I've got exit exams to study for.

But sadly, destiny determines that I get rid of the vampire for the sakes of mankind so I make my dumb slingshot and flick it toward Neji-Oh shit, it actually hit him straight in the forehead with his cursed seal-OH MY GOD I THOUGHT IT WAS A MYTH BUT IT'S ACTUALLY LEGIT! VAMPIRES WITH CURSED SEAL ARE IMMOBILZED AND WEAKENED BY TOO MANY LEVELS IF YOU HIT IT SMACK ON!

I doubt this would kill Neji, but it's enough to distract him and allow Tenten to escape.

Well, that was rather convenient. Time to bounce and get high now. I would have pulled out a blunt if I didn't hear Tenten crying. Seriously, Tenten, do you really believe that filthy vampire? He's pale as hell! Even his eyes have no pupils. What do you see in him? Because he confessed his eternal love? He's lived a good hundred years, I'm sure there were plenty of girls before you where he spilled the same love routine. Yet, she's right by his side ready to cry.

Fine, I guess I do have to pull out secret darts from the truck. It's not like anything will develop in the minute it takes for me to retrieve my magic knife.

Nope, they're doing that makeout where they cry tears for days yet still find it romantic to kiss. Isn't it nasty tasting all that salt? I's not the bearable kind from the ocean, but the awkward one developed within our nasty human body. Shit, I really need a blunt. Okay, this will be over in a moment.

No surprise, Tenten is screaming at me as I approach Neji's semi-dying body. I proceed my quick lecture on the role of vampire slayer and its duty to the world, blah blah. Tenten won't have it. Neji's not like other vampires, let alone the Hyugas. He's different. He's special. He would never hurt a human being. He deserves to live.

Bitch, he punched me in the seventh grade and shoved me in the lockers. This ain't got nothing to do with you. Oh great, now Neji starts talking again through the fake strained, dying voice of an old, frail man.

What? Don't kill you, a vampire? That's pathetic. Stop making excuses that you're so in love with a human, that you've finally found a reason to live a hundred more years. I don't need your dumb speal of how she makes you feel alive after so many centuries. If you think that will convince me otherwise, you're wrong. My heart bears no empathy for tragic love stories, whether you be a vampire, human, or a leprechaun. Besides, Tenten, you have only existed in his life for less than five months. Is he really that worth it to sacrifice your life and dignity?

I am trying to earn back my allowance from my troublesome mother. I don't care if Tenten has her arms wrapped around your body, willing to die with you. I will live a happy, prosperous life without my nagging mother.

That's what emergency darts are for, which I shall flick right on your cursed seal. About now. Simple enough. Wow, for a Hyuga, Neji was one of my simplest kills.

Yep, there's this horrible scream of agony and pain from your lips, Hyuga. Now that you'll die in about ten minutes, I can proceed to go home and eat a good steak. Also, you and Tenten can get those dying, fake love confessions out of the way. See, I'm sympathetic enough to allow-oh, wow, he's actually crying. As in honest, depressing tears. Wow, they really are desperate to get all their confessions out. Huh.

Conclusion: Oh, for hormonal teenagers, I guess they really did love each other. Well, this is officially awkward.