This story was born out of a promise I made to a bunch of lovely Chryedians, on a memorable night in January...
Crazysusan, Starfish, Karen8, Ditzy Lady, Disneynut, Meg_icy, kqv... this one is for you.
Hope you enjoy xxx

CHAPTER 1 - Endings and beginnings

~ Syed ~

I watch her go. She holds her head high, defiantly, and walks off. And all I feel is an overwhelming sense of relief. No regret, no shame, no guilt, just …. relief. I can tell she expects me to follow her. But I can't. I won't. I've made up my mind. I'm divorcing her.

She was never my wife. I was never her husband. Not really. Not in the way it matters. Not in my heart. My heart was always Christian's. And always will be. From the moment she stepped back into our lives, I didn't stop telling her that. But she didn't hear me. And for a long time it didn't even occur to me that she didn't want to hear. In my desperate attempts to be a worthy father, to make up for past mistakes, for missing out on the first year of my little girl's life... I tried too hard with Amira ... to be kind, to be understanding, to be her friend. I was so busy trying that I didn't see the effect it had on the person I love the most. Without even knowing, I gave her exactly what she wanted...
But now, finally, I can see what I should have seen weeks ago. She uses Yasmin as some sort of bargaining tool. A trump card. To hang on to me. To keep me tied to her. I still don't understand why she would want that though. Even if a divorce brings shame on her, how can she possibly think that being married to a man who can never love her back is a better option? Surely she deserves better? Or is this her way of trying to get some kind of revenge... on me? On Christian...? It makes no sense.

Whatever it was, whatever her reasons, I didn't see it. Didn't want to see it. Riddled with guilt over what I did to her in the past, I chose to be blind.
Christian saw it. Of course he did. But I didn't listen. Then he left – thinking of it still makes me wince - Christian left, and Yasmin was all I had. Like a drowning man, I clung to her. Made her the most important thing in my life. Amira latched onto that, onto me. With Christian gone, I felt paralysed. I lost the will and the energy to fight her. So I let her take over, rule my life again, take my decisions for me. What I didn't realize was that, feeding into her delusions like that, I made it all so much worse.

But it's enough now! I choose me again. My own life. My own happiness. Myself.
I love my little girl with all my heart, and I'll fight like a lion to be part of her life, to be the dad she deserves. But no matter how much I love my daughter, I can't give up who I am. I won't. Whatever happens next, this is right. It feels right. This is what I need to do. What I should have done ages ago. For me. For Yasmin. For all of us. And...though I know it's too late... for Christian too. If nothing else, I owe him that... at least.

I sense his movement beside me. It's never been different. Whenever he comes within 5 feet of me, all my senses awaken. Every nerve stands to attention. My heart starts to beat faster, and all I can hear, see, feel, smell, taste is him... I don't move. I deliberately don't turn my head to look at him. I just let his closeness overwhelm me. I want this feeling never to go away. But it's too late. I left it too late. My breath hitches with the loss I feel. I want to cry and scream and beg him to look at me, and see me again. Believe me. But I just stand there, dumbstruck and defeated. I don't know what I can do to make it right again.

And then I feel it. I feel him. His hand gently, tentatively takes hold of mine. Before it even registers in my consciousness, my fingers intuitively curl around his, and it's like coming home. But I'm too scared to believe this is real. I'm sure it's my mind playing tricks with me. But the warmth of his touch is there, and the electrical current running through my veins isn't lying. My eyes instinctively drop down to check if my senses aren't betraying me. They're not. He's holding my hand, and my heart flutters nervously. Dare I look up?

When I finally do, my eyes meet his, and in them I see all I need to know. He still loves me. Not that I doubted that. Not really. Even though he said it wasn't enough, and even after everything that's happened lately, all the anger, the hurt, the lashing out, the sleepless nights, the weeks of agonizing silence between us, I never, ever, stopped believing in his love for me.
But now I can see it again. Gone is that empty blank stare he'd reserved for me lately, that look of indifference that killed me inside a little bit more each time I saw it. Instead, his eyes are shining with that so familiar loving glow. He doesn't waver from my stare. He still loves me. He still cares. I can see it.
And maybe... maybe it is enough.

"Can I ... come home now?" the words tumble from my mouth before I can stop them. I don't want to sound as if I'm begging. But the truth is, I am. I'm desperate to go home with him again. To start again.
His voice is barely a whisper, but his answer doesn't leave any room for doubt "Please do" he says.

And something gives way inside me. I feel dizzy suddenly, and my knees buckle. Every muscle that I've kept tensed, every feeling I've kept in check through all this agony, finally relaxes, and I collapse my head against his chest. Something between a sob and a sigh of relief escapes my lips.
He says nothing. He does nothing. He just holds my hand. Only a slight tremor in his chest, a soft trembling in his skin betray his emotions. If I didn't know him so well, I might not even have noticed.
But I do know him, and I know what it means, what he says without words. He has missed me. He has missed me as much as I have missed him. And as I realize that, all the pain, all the hurt, all the angry words we threw at each other... none of these things matter anymore... all of them disappear in that instant. I feel, almost literally, how a heavy burden lifts from my shoulders, and from my heart. I'm not naive. I know things between us aren't magically solved now, by a simple handhold and a few whispered words. They're not. And they may not be for a long while yet. We're going to have to work at it. Work hard. But we'll get through it. I know we will.

I don't know how long we stand there, leaning into each other, in the gentlest, carefullest of hugs. My head against his shoulder, my hand safely enfolded in his, I breathe in his scent again, and rediscover the warmth of his nearness. This is the only place I want to be. I feel him sighing softly, and I know it's exactly the same for him.

0+0+0+0

"Oh great! Here we go again!"
A loud, harsh woman's voice interrupts the moment.
I cringe and start to pull back, but Christian doesn't let go, squeezing my hand firmly in his.
"Roxy..." he sounds exasperated "Just... stay out of it..."
But she's not listening.
"I can't believe you! You're going to fall for this again, aren't you, Christian? Have you lost your mind?"
"Rox..."
"You're unbelievable! Can't you see what he's doing? You're so gullible, Christian! He's going to make all the right noises, say all the right things, you're going to have lots of great sex... and you're going to lap it all up... But when push comes to shove, he's going to break your heart! Again! Before you know it, he's going to want to make mummy happy and run back to his princess wife. And I'm going to be the one picking up the pieces again... Oh, for crying out loud, Christian... haven't you learnt anything by now?"

I feel a deep blush crawling up my face, as I listen to her rant about me. I don't want to be here. I don't want to hear this. Again I try to pull back, but Christian holds on. I stare at my feet intently, willing the earth underneath them to open up and swallow me in.

"Stay out of it, Roxy" he says again. I recognize his tone of voice. He's struggling to stay calm, and his frustration is audible in every word he speaks. "You don't understand!"
"You bet I don't understand!" she snaps "and I never will... I don't even want to...!"
"It's simple though," he says. Still holding my hand, his other reaches out to touch my face, and he lifts my chin up, forcing me to look at him.
His eyes lock with mine. "I love him" he says. "It's as simple as that." And though talking to Roxy, he doesn't look away from me ."I love him." His thumb softly caresses my cheek "And he may break my heart a thousand times, he's also the only one, the only one ever, who makes it whole. I'll always come back to him. Always. No matter what..."

She snorts.
"Oh well... do what you like then...but don't come running back to me when he lets you down again..." She starts to turn to walk away.
"Don't make me choose, Rox..!" he says, and it gives her momentary pause "I don't want to choose, but..."
"Don't, Christian" I implore him. "Don't say things you'll regret!"
He doesn't listen "If I have to choose, Roxy... I'm sorry... "
I pull at his hand to stop him. "Don't..!"
"I'll always choose him" he says it anyway.
I see Roxy's face cloud over, and I know that however badly she already thought of me, this has only made it a hundred times worse.
She swallows hard "Suit yourself then" she says with a shrug.

And for the second time tonight I watch as one of the women in our lives squares her shoulders and walks away. But this time I know I can't stand by and let it happen.
"Roxy...Don't go. He doesn't mean it... You know he doesn't!" I call after her. But she doesn't look back.
I turn to him "Christian, please... " I urge him "Please...!"

But he just shakes his head. "I do mean it" he says quietly, "Just... let her..." He squeezes my hand tighter in his, and smiles at me bravely. Though he tries to hide it, I can tell that this confrontation with Roxy has knocked him for six.
"Let her go." he says again. There's a finality in his words, and it feels like he's talking more to himself than he is to me. He brings my hand to his lips and kisses it softly. "Let's go home, Sy" he whispers "Let's concentrate on us now."

He's right. This isn't about Roxy, it's not even about Amira. This is about us. And about how we rebuild our relationship. I nod silently, and with our hands firmly entwined, we restart our journey. Together.