Summary: Sirius prepares for Remus' birthday and James tries to avoid having a mental breakdown. Some things are really best left to the imagination.

A/N: Happy Birthday to everyone's favourite werewolf!

"Better Than Birthday Cake"

"You said you'd help," Sirius pouted, trying to look hurt. The sympathy-gaining effect was somewhat dulled by the fact that he was currently naked and stretched out on the kitchen table, propped up on his elbows and attempting to implement the least effective puppy-dog eyes in existence.

James sighed. "Yes, when I offered to help get things ready for Remus' birthday, I expected that I'd be dropping off his gift and hanging a few streamers. I didn't expect that I'd be covering my naked best friend in chocolate like he's some kind of Jacobean feast!"

Sirius raised an eyebrow. "I didn't know that Jacobeans feasted on naked homosexuals."

"You'd be surprised," James spat mulishly, struggling to gain some control of the situation. He was no stranger to awkwardness but even this was a bit much for him. He pinched the bridge of his nose. "Merlin. I thought that looking after that creepy book for a month would be enough to free me from favours like this."

The book, Gromles' Booke of Magic Beasts, was Sirius' birthday gift for Remus, and delivering it had been the reason why James had stopped by Remus and Sirius' flat. Sirius had purchased the book several weeks ago and entrusted it to James so that Remus wouldn't accidently discover it before his birthday arrived. James found that there was something decidedly unnerving about the book; it was old, musty, obscure, and (most importantly of all) exactly the sort of thing that Remus would love. Sirius had gone to great lengths to find it and even greater lengths to bribe it out of the hands of a surly book collector in Sussex.

"It's not creepy," Sirius tried to protest. He shot a wary glance at the book. It was definitely the sort of thing that would be kept in the Restricted Section at school.

"It is creepy, and Moony is going to love it. You spoil him rotten, and I would make a comment about how cute it is to see you so smitten if I wasn't so angry about being confronted with your naked arse today."

"I told you we'd be preparing Remus' birthday surprise for when he gets home," Sirius pointed out.

"You failed to mention that you meant trimming you up like some kind of perverted Christmas turkey," James retorted. He couldn't explain why he was still here – had he been a saner person, he would have bolted from the flat as soon as Sirius referred to his own body as a 'chocolate-coated pleasure party' - but years of daring pranks and dangerous pursuits had all but eroded James' fight-or-flight instinct. "You could have given me some warning at least."

Sirius smirked. "I'm starting to sense that you're not enjoying yourself."

"Don't try to be funny. I'm furious at you right now. Just tell me what to do so I can get this over with."

"Get the wine from the pantry," Sirius instructed, "the Archimago."

James cringed. Archimago was a pinot noir so sickly sweet that just thinking about it made his teeth ache, but Remus seemed to think that it was the nectar of the gods or something.

James pulled open the pantry door and scanned over the cramped shelves. Dried pasta, teabags, jumbo-sized tin of cauldron cakes. Owl treats, dog treats, dog collar... James decided that he wouldn't ask about that one. Tinned beans, tinned potatoes, more tinned beans. Half a bottle of Ogden's Finest Firewhiskey, some goblin-brewed moonshine, but ah yes, there was the wine.

James waved the cork off the Archimago and poured two glasses of it, then set them down in front of Sirius with more force than strictly necessary.

Sirius still had that annoying smirk on his face. "You seem tense. Fancy a drink?" he teased.

"Shut up. Anyone would need alcohol to deal with your naked idiocy," James snapped back. He had certainly seen Sirius naked before (not a lot was left to the imagination after seven years of living together and a taste for games involving clothing removal) but this purposeful display of miles of bare skin left James feeling uncomfortable and exposed. He shifted and crossed his arms over his chest. "And since when do you have your nipples pierced, you freak?"

Sirius glanced down at his own chest. "Few months," he said with a shrug.

James squinted at him. "It looks weird."

"I didn't get it done for the way it looks," Sirius scoffed, "You wouldn't believe how sensitive it makes them. Sometimes just the feeling of Remus playing with them is enough to make me-"

"Whoa whoa whoa! That's enough! I'm not interested!" James shouted.

Sirius' salacious grin made James want to slap it off his face. James sighed. Think of England, he told himself. "Okay. What's next in this afternoon of horrors? Covering you in chocolate?"

"Chocolates," Sirius corrected. A Honeyduke's box sat at the edge of the table and Sirius pushed it toward James. The chocolates were from Honeyduke's finest line, special order only. Remus had had always admired these but, torn between chocolate connoisseurship and frugality, he had never rustled up the resolve to buy a box for himself. Sirius had seen the opportunity and pounced; it seemed that he was determined to spoil Remus absolutely rotten for his birthday.

James picked up the first chocolate and placed it on the nape of Sirius' neck, making sure that his fingers didn't brush against Sirius' skin. He placed a few more chocolates and then stopped and glanced at Sirius' bare arse. Arses he could stand, but (with Sirius spread out as he was) if James moved any further down Sirius' back then he'd have a clear view of something he really didn't want to see.

After some hesitation, James grabbed a tea towel off the worktop and laid it over Sirius' bum.

"What are you-" Sirius started to say. He twisted around to glare at James, which only sent the chocolates rolling away across the table. Both men scrambled to grab the expensive chocolates before they fell to the floor.

"You have to stay still!" James scolded.

"Why have you covered me with a dirty old rag?" Sirius demanded.

James didn't bother to point out that this 'dirty old rag' was apparently what Sirius used to dry his dishes. "I'm protecting your dignity and my sanity. I'll take if off when I'm finished."

Sirius huffed. "Just get on with it, then."

James took a brief moment to relish in the satisfaction that Sirius was now the one annoyed at him.

"I'm using a sticking charm on the chocolates now," he said. "Otherwise one wrong move and Moony's Jacobean feast will be ruined."

"Alright, but make it quick. He'll be home soon."

James started replacing the chocolates along the line of Sirius' spine. The sticking charms made it much easier to place the chocolates and the tea towel made James feel less like he was about to spontaneously combust. He was starting to find this almost bearable, especially now that Sirius had shut up with the oh-so-witty remarks.

Still, James ended the trail of chocolates well above the edge of the tea towel.

"Done," he announced.

Sirius twisted around to glare at him again, though this time the charm prevented the chocolates from rolling away. "You're not! You haven't even reached the most important part!"

James couldn't help the tensing in his jaw. He had purposefully avoided that territory and had hoped Sirius wouldn't notice. "You owe me one. A big one."

"Actually, this is putting us even. It's payback for that Incident with the centaur."

"Payback?" James repeated. "I knew it. This isn't a favour at all, this is you getting revenge by trying to drive me insane."

Sirius fixed James with a scrupulous look. "Prongs, the Centaur Incident was horrific. I have mental scars that will never heal," he said.

"And so you've decided to give me mental scars to match yours?"

Sirius' face shifted back to its usual cocky smirk. "Wouldn't dream of it, Prongs old boy," he drawled. He was trying to sound innocent, but James could easily recognize the arrogant tilt to his chin that gave away that Sirius was lying.

James sighed disbelievingly, even if he was a little impressed at how successfully Sirius had managed to gall him. "I should have known. Only you would go this far just to annoy me."

"Oh, come now," Sirius said calmingly, "If I was really trying to drive you around the bend, things would be much worse. I just wanted to do something special for Remus' birthday. Look at this stuff - wine that tastes like pixie sweat, chocolates that cost an arm and a leg, and a book that may or may not be sentient. Would I want anything to do with any of this, if it wasn't for Remus?"

James grumbled. Yes, these were all things that Remus liked, but tossing them together with a naked Sirius on the kitchen table made the whole thing bizarre and tacky. That part must have been explicitly designed by Sirius just to test James' sanity. What was the appeal of it, anyway? Remus would probably laugh when he arrived home to discover such an overtly filthy and obscene attempt at romance. James would certainly laugh if he discovered a sight like this.

But that wasn't right, was it? James had always found Sirius' attempts to be sexy more hilarious than – well, sexy. He just couldn't see Sirius in that way. Instead, James imagined finding Lily in Sirius' place. He pictured her stretched out before him, naked and smiling invitingly at him with chocolates dotted over her bare skin like freckles. Filthy? Obscene? Don't mind if I do, James thought. 'Come here,' Lily would beckon, and James would approach the divine vision before him, a feast for the senses waiting to be enjoyed in any way that he wanted.

Like a Muggle light switch flicking on in his head, James could suddenly see the appeal of what Sirius was doing for Remus. He may be an insufferable wanker most of the time, but Sirius never failed to come up with brilliant ideas. James should have never doubted him.

Still, the sudden insight into the magnificence of Sirius' brain in no way made James' current situation any easier to bear. He pulled down the tea towel just a fraction and the slightest glimpse of Sirius' arsecrack made him stop. He took a deep breath to steady himself and pulled the towel down another inch.

With the courage of a warrior and the patience of a saint, James placed a single chocolate on the end of Sirius' tailbone.

"Happy?" he bit out.

Sirius sighed. "I guess it will have to do."

"Good. Now if you're finished making my life a truly hellish experience, I'm going to go try to Obliviate myself," James announced. With slightly more dramatic flourish than neccessary, he started towards the door.

"Oh, Prongs? There's just one more thing."

Something twitched in James' eye. He slowly turned and fixed Sirius with the most menacing glare he could manage. "What is it?"

But there was no devious smirk on Sirius' face as if he was about to inform James of the next hardship. "Thank you," he said instead. The sincere smile on his face was one that only his closest friends saw, the one that showed that he wasn't just an amalgamation of obnoxious witticisms and abrasive personality, but a loving, loyal friend with a big heart.

Despite his earlier frustration, James felt his annoyance dissipate somewhat. He shook his head and smiled back at his friend. "Don't mention it. No really, don't mention it. I'm going to be trying very hard to forget this at the pub tonight."

There came a sound from outside the door, muffled as Remus struggled with his keys. "He's here! Get out!" Sirius snapped. James bolted for the back door, then quickly turned on this heel and darted back to snatch the tea towel off Sirius' bum. The front door clicked open just as James disappeared out the back, and "Happy Birthday Moony" was the last thing he heard before he Disapparated from the balcony.