Au Season 3. What if Sebastian had turned up early summer, Dave got outted around the same time, and Blaine and Kurt fought about Sebastian and Dave and then broke up. When the new term comes along Blaine's friendship with Sebastian has blossomed into romance, and then Kurt asks Dave for help in getting Blaine back. And Dave never transfers from McKinley
Rated M
Warnings: Lots of them, angsty, suicidal themes, self harming themes, no self esteem, bullying of all kinds, discrimination of all kinds, there will be no non con, there will be some violence, and generally bad places for Dave to go. Basically I'm going to be a bitch to Dave and then kick him when he's down, I'm just letting you know in advance.
Don't like don't read, though constructive criticism is always welcome (plus any reviews).
I own nothing, literally.
Battered Knight In A Letterman Jacket
01
Walking through the school I feel naked.
I don't have a Letterman for my Senior year. The sports teams wouldn't take me anyway, not a loser, not a fag like me, oh and to top it all off I'm dating Kurt frecking Hummel, fruitiest gayest gay kid in Ohio.
Well I'm not really dating him.
We're faking.
Well he's faking and I'm trying to remember that it's fake. It's a good thing he's not that into PDA, that I just have to walk next to him down the halls, and it's a good thing the guys only throw slushies and give small shoves so I can protect him from the worst of it.
He's said in the past that I'm chubby, even that Sebastian kid said I needed to drop a hundred pounds, and the taunts all my life about my weight were right, I'm big, and fat, and just disgusting and gross. But for once that bulk comes in handy and I can protect Kurt with my body, take the shots for him, he's been through enough, he shouldn't have to take this shit anymore.
He never should have had to take this shit.
Me?
God I deserve it. Every slur that rips into me. Every slushy that burns my eyes and freezes my skin. Every locker slam, though I'm meaty so it doesn't hurt that much, it only covers my body in bruises.
I deserve worse.
Much worse.
I can't work out if I hate school or home the most.
At school I get so much hate thrown at me, from jocks, and cheerleaders. From geeks and nerds. Both sides popular and unpopular hate me. Why wouldn't they? I bullied the weaker kids, I picked on them, I made their lives hell. And the other popular kids? Well I pretended to be one of them, I pretended I was something.
I know I'm a loser, a nothing nobody gives a shit about, just a useless waste of space taking up air and getting in the way.
And now I have Glee.
I hate Glee.
The only good thing about Glee is that Kurt's there, and he's often happy in Glee, so Glee is good.
But it's boot camp, Mr Schue insisted and I hate frecking boot camp. I don't know how to dance, Kurt tries to teach me but I'm so fucking uncoordinated and useless, even Hudson can out dance me and when I leave at the end after Mr Schue shakes his head and Mike sighs I can hear the beam in my bedroom closet calling me.
It doesn't help that Dalton had some termite infestation and had to close for emergency fumigation and repairs, so the damn Warblers are here and have joined New Directions.
So Blaine and fucking Sebastian are here too. Kurt's kicked his 'get Blaine to fall in love and come back to me' plan into high gear, he always looks like a complete dream and moves like, I don't have the words but it's beautiful. I don't get why they broke up anyway. Blaine should have seen Sebastian for what he was told him no, Kurt should have left me to rot and then they wouldn't have broken up, it's all my fault, I have to help him fix this so he can get on and be happy.
Soon, it has to be soon, I'm not sure I can hang on, oh there's a pun, hang, I swallow the hysterical giggle and start getting changed, I ignore the guys in the room, just rush through and go to wait in the auditorium for the humiliation of boot camp to begin all over again.
After that bastard Nick from East Lima outted me and the rumours spread, after my folks found out and mom got the preacher round to 'save' me, after all the messages on facebook, on all my other accounts, all the texts on my phone. I cracked, I lasted a week, a frigging week.
So weak.
So pathetic.
I have it all worked out. The suit I'm going to wear. The belt I'm going to use on the beam. I just have to work up the nerve. It's a big thing. It's a big scary thing and it's not like I've kidded myself I'm going somewhere good, no I know I'm going straight to hell.
I'm going to hell not because I'm gay, I don't believe that bullshit anymore, god would not have made Kurt or Blaine or Britt or Santana if he really hated gay people. No I'm going to hell because I deserve it, because I'm an evil person who should just die.
Everyone says so, everyone hates me, I have nothing to live for anymore, no future, no friends, no family.
And then there's this bright voice and I turn to see Kurt walking next to Blaine and talking to him. They're so damn perfect. They're beautiful.
Behind them Sebastian scowls, and he should be worried. If I were really dating Kurt or even Blaine, though he's seriously short and tends to surf furniture and I'm so not into him, but if I were dating one of them and the other turned up I'd know it was all over, they belong together.
Just gotta hang in there, hang, god that word again.
If only Sebastian hadn't turned up when he did and distracted Blaine, if only Nick hadn't outted me, they'd be together.
I'm so fucking tired.
So tired of everything, of hurting all the time, I just want to go, there's nothing but Kurt holding me here now.
I move off and leave them alone, Kurt's being flirty, and Blaine's finally looking at him, thank god for that, I thought I was gonna have to march him down to get his eyes checked or something.
At this point everyone else turns up and I give up, they were talking, they were looking, it's a start, I just need it to be over, I need to be over.
And hell ensues, moves and twists and turns and I just can't break them down in my fat, stupid head fast enough. Finn trips and I follow five seconds later. God I'm such an idiot.
Catching a bruise from an earlier locker slam I hiss and then blink the pain away, I'm a weak little loser but I'm not crying in front of them, no that's for my room, face in my pillow when everyone's asleep.
Getting up I try and fail; try and fail. Oh that is so the story of my life, epic failure after epic failure. Why the hell was I even born? The preacher says sometimes we are sent a trial and the lesson isn't supposed to be learnt by us but by someone watching us. I think that's what I am, just a lesson, a short-lived lesson.
Please god, slap Blaine up the head, please. Let him come to his senses.
Struggling through the lesson I trip at least twice more, fuck this for fun, I don't know why these kids put themselves through the humiliation, at least when you're a jock or a cheerio you get some respect around the school, here you get nothing.
To top that off the kids are all fighting about who's got what part in the musical thingy they're staging, I'm trying to get out of it, and no ones fighting that, I can move scenery or something, nothing that needs skills that I can fuck up.
Finally we can stop and go and get changed. Kurt's in a hurry so he can only eye flirt with Blaine, waving to me he runs for the door, he's got an interview with Israel about his run for class presidency, he really needs all the help he can get with Brittany as his campaign manager, though his discussion last night about the gay sign and her reply about an extension cable was fucking hilarious, it's not often that Kurt Hummel's speechless.
Tonight is not a night that I get to go to the Hudmel residence and get glared at by Mr Hummel. Tonight I get to go home and face my mom, no Mrs Karofsky now, can't call her mom, can't possibly be her offspring when I'm a faggot that needs to be cured.
I don't want to sit in my room on my own listening to the beam creak at me, I might not be able to ignore and resist it, I might do it tonight, so I volunteer to clear up, they all leave me, no one says thank you or offers to help, why would they want to spend time with me?
And in the quiet of the auditorium I listen to the whisper of the building and spot the microphone and stand waiting, calling to me.
Licking my lips I look around and then double-check no ones here with me.
Unable to resist, I really am that fucking weak, I walk up to the music player and plug my ipod into it, I downloaded this a few nights ago, it doesn't really match my voice but I don't care, it speaks to me, and isn't that what music's supposed to do?
A/N: Sorry for any and all mistakes, I've tried to catch those I could, but I'm only human.
So is this too much? And I've got another chapter of Dave singing, but that's it so far, I have way too many plot bunnies picking on me, IF I did continue with this, is it any good?
Also I'd like to point out that this is a seriously depressing fiction, read at your peril. And if you are heading to a dark place or you're already there, I know you can't see the door out of your situation right now, but please don't pick the one labelled 'suicide', there's another one, you can't see it right now, but I promise you it's there.
I'm not really the best person to talk to about bad things (I don't always read messages and I tend to say the wrong thing), but there are people out there much better than me, like the Samaritans, the Trevor Project (others in your country or out of it), they know the right words to say, they know the sites, the groups to help you find the right thread to hang onto, and then you can find your way out the dark places.
So please stick around and don't deprive the world your unique wonderfulness, you don't yet realise everything you could possibly be, but it's there, waiting, you just have to find it, it'll surprise and amaze you, and you'll be glad you stuck around.