My Only Sunshine

He paced the waiting room like an expectant parent. He felt like one, too. They all loved Logan and Camille more than anything, this baby was about to be just as much a part of their family as it was the happy couple's.

a/n: So this started out as a drabble fill for an anonymous prompt on Tumblr that said "jagan daddies! james cries when he sees Logan holding his baby boy/girl/whatever, for the first time. You don't have to explain how they got the baby if you don't want." And, I'm so sorry, anon, this is not quite what you were expecting. But if you follow me on Tumblr (or read my fics) you know that I don't write anything like that. In the least. And you should probably know that I don't care for babies or children. At one point, the idea was to go with the "whatever" option and give them a dog, but I ended up with something worse. I truly am sorry. Especially since this has become a monster of a fic. This is the first part in what will inevitably be three. And all things aside, I hope you enjoy! Please review!

Warnings: Character death and baby.

They'd been told there were complications. That's all. Sixteen hours of labor before they'd taken Camille into surgery and the only thing they could tell everyone in the waiting room was that there were complications. And James didn't have a clue what that meant.

He paced the waiting room like an expectant parent. He felt like one, too, same as he was sure Kendall and Carlos did. They all loved Logan and Camille more than anything, this baby was about to be just as much a part of their family as it was the happy couple's. But that word, "complications," it scared James. He knew it was a bad word. He didn't like anything that could be called complicated, much less something which could be called in its entirety a complication.

Kendall reached out to grab his forearm and forced him to stop his anxious pacing. James still had a shaking hand at his mouth, though, chewing nails shorter than they deserved to be, and he looked at Kendall, who met him with a steady look. Kendall looked unfaltering, but James knew he was just as worried as the rest of them. Jennifer, who had fallen asleep about an hour ago, stirred a little against Carlos' shoulder, but her fingers stayed interlaced with his. His knee was bouncing wildly as it had been for hours, and James could tell that that word bothered him, too.

James gently wrested his arm from Kendall's hold and continued pacing. "You need to sit down," Kendall said quietly, but it echoed volumes in the practically silent 2AM waiting room.

"She's been in surgery for an hour, Kendall," James replied, a little surprised at the sharpness of his own voice, but he didn't stop moving.

"You're putting everyone else in here on edge," Kendall continued, making another grab for James' arm. He stepped out of reach, but stopped moving and glanced around the room. Logan's parents were nearby, both looking extremely worn out, but James hadn't seen either sleep a wink since he'd arrived almost twelve hours ago. He'd been at the studio working with Gustavo, doing alright on text updates from Kendall for awhile, but after five hours, he got fidgety and Kelly had convinced Gustavo they should all head to the hospital. Now Gustavo was snoring quietly—medication and surgery had done wonders over the years—on the other side of the room with Kelly curled up in a chair next to him, her coat wrapped around her. Mrs. Knight had said she wished she could be there, but she just couldn't take off from work and pull Katie from school back in Minnesota to fly out, so Kendall kept her updated until she went to sleep and said he'd call her in the morning. Camille's father had been let into the delivery room when a nurse had come to announce the "complications."

There were no other people in the waiting room besides the friends and family waiting on "Baby Mitchell," as it was called at the moment. Responsible Kendall was keeping all those absent up-to-date with texts, including Jo, somewhere in Europe filming a movie, and Lucy, on a big US tour.

Just as James reluctantly fell back into a seat next to Kendall, earning him an approving pat on the knee (which he swatted at in annoyance,) a tired and frenzied-looking nurse came into the waiting room and her eyes landed right on Mr. and Mrs. Mitchell, who hopped up immediately. The nurse didn't speak, just motioned for them to follow her and they grabbed their things and left.

James looked at Kendall briefly before jumping up and dashing to the door. Kendall hissed after him, "James! Get back here!" but it wasn't like James was doing anything wrong, so he didn't listen. He stopped at the door and looked down the hallway, just to see where the nurse was taking the Mitchells. He saw them disappear into a room and turned back to sit down again.

"She took them to a delivery room. Not the operation room," he informed Kendall quietly and Kendall clearly tried not to look impressed with James' deductive skills. Without saying anything in return, he took his phone out to send a round of texts.

Carlos looked between them, frowning, and spoke softly as to not wake Jennifer. "What does that mean? Does that mean everything's okay?" he asked, and although he was taking strides to be polite and quiet for his girlfriend, James could see his grip on her hand tighten a little. Hers unconsciously squeezed back with an accompanying sigh.

Kendall, unwilling to jump to any conclusions, positive or otherwise, was quick to answer, "It means they went into the delivery room, that's all."

James scowled and crossed his arms, looking away from Kendall. Why couldn't he just let them hope?

The nurse came back about half an hour later (too long a wait in James' opinion—he'd started pacing again and Kendall hadn't tried to stop him this time) and she looked much calmer than before, but… something about her expression put James on edge as he took a step towards her. She looked straight at them when she said, "James, Kendall, and Carlos?"

"That's us!" James nodded frantically and came straight to her. "That's us. Is it over? Can we go in now?"

The nurse took a breath, but just nodded after a second. James didn't look to see if Kendall and Carlos were behind him as he hurried around the nurse, not bothering to wait for her to lead him to the room. He saw where it was, he didn't need directions.

He stopped when he got to the door, though, standing there with his hands on either side of the wide frame. He'd been expecting a room of smiles, tired, yes, but smiles nonetheless, Logan standing at the bed with a sleepy Camille holding their baby, Mr. and Mrs. Mitchell looking on nearby with Mr. Roberts, all proud grandparents now. Logan would practically bounce at the sight of his best friends, might as well be his brothers, and excitedly wave them over to see his child. James would get to hold the baby first because he was the first there and he'd hold that over Kendall's head for all of eternity.

But that wasn't even close to what he saw. The room was practically empty. No bustling grandparents, no smiling faces, and most of all, no tired new mother in the bed. Logan sat in the room alone. Well, almost alone. There was a bundle of blankets in his arms, but he wasn't looking at it, he was just staring ahead, eyes unfocused and lips parted slightly, and it seemed like he was completely unaware of his surroundings. His eyes were swollen and rimmed red, and his cheeks looked ruddy, a little streaked.

James swallowed as he felt Kendall and Carlos close in behind him. He looked from the empty bed to the chair where Logan sat holding the blankets. The bright fluorescence of the hospital lights seemed out of place. He felt like it should be dark.

Because it didn't take that much for James to draw up the most awful conclusion and believe it. He didn't cry, though. He couldn't let himself do that until he definitely knew. But he also couldn't move. He was too scared to move forward and ask Logan for sure.

He was almost grateful that he felt Kendall gently move his arm out of the way from blocking the door and step forward into the room, taking the chair next to Logan. "Logan…?" he asked quietly, but still loud enough for James and Carlos to hear from the door. Logan didn't react, though. He hadn't looked up, hadn't moved, James wasn't sure he'd breathed since they came to the room. "Logan," Kendall repeated, touching his back. "Where's Camille?"

There were a few moments of absolute silence, but James heard screaming in his head, his own screaming, demanding an answer now. This waiting was making him crazy, he'd been waiting for over seventeen hours, dammit, and it threatened to make him actually scream out loud.

Finally, Logan just shook his head. Very barely, hardly readable, shook his head. James' mouth fell open slightly and he saw Kendall's eyes widen. Carlos was the first to make any sound, James heard him let go of a shuddering breath of air behind him. It was what propelled James forward to Logan, but he didn't know what to do. He could already feel his eyes welling up graciously and he wasn't going to fight it. Wasn't he allowed, after all? Camille… one of his closest friends, she was…

James hesitated just near Logan. He'd always loved him. Always. Since they'd met, and that was practically fifteen years ago. If you asked James, that was a lot of love. He'd loved Logan forever and he never really located the line he'd crossed that separated friendly love and "I want to kiss you so bad" love or when he crossed it, but it had happened at some point. And at another point he'd chosen to ignore what it had become, some time from when Logan proposed to Camille and the wedding.

But even if the form of his love had never changed, this would still be breaking his heart. Logan… constantly-tipping-but-never-falling Logan, with tears welling again, and looking weak, so weak. James could feel his own tears falling off his chin as he stared at Logan, just gazing ahead, looking exhausted and just so empty. And the blankets in his arms…

Carlos was kneeling at Logan's knees now, gently lifting a corner of a blanket. He was surprisingly calm, hands steady as he drew a finger softly down the baby's forehead and nose. "He's beautiful, Logan," he said quietly, and James could see the baby's closed eyes and quick, tiny breaths now. "He, right?" Carlos asked, and James gleaned it must have been guessed from the blue blankets.

Logan didn't respond right away, but after a few seconds he blinked as though he were just waking up and looked down at the baby, maybe for the first time, James wondered, from the expression on his face. "…yeah… yeah," he said, barely a whisper. Then, "…they… they only gave me five minutes with her. Just… five. And then they brought me in here and handed me the baby…"

"That's your baby, Logan…" Kendall said gently and steadily, like maybe it hadn't registered with Logan, but James could hear the despair right under his voice. This loss hurt them all, but Kendall and Carlos seemed to understand how to be strong for Logan's sake. That in mind, James dragged his arm over his eyes and nose, trying to clear some of the mess on his face and get a hold of himself.

Logan nodded in answer to Kendall and shifted his arms. There was a long silence where Carlos couldn't stop touching this baby. James wanted to touch it, too, he did, but he was pretty sure he'd start really crying then. "He looks like her," Logan said after awhile, and James had never heard a sadder sound.

None of them knew quite what to say to that, least of all James, so he was so grateful when Kendall asked to hold the baby. Logan hesitated, but gingerly transferred the swaddled bundle into Kendall's arms.

Then he finally slowly lifted his eyes to meet James'. James hadn't said anything since entering the room and this was the first Logan had looked at any of them. Not that that was at all what James was thinking about as he watched Logan stare at him through watering eyes. Though he could hardly register Logan's crying before he felt arms around his neck and Logan choking into his shoulder. He held Logan tight, tighter than he'd ever held another person in his life. He pressed a hand firmly against his head and tilted his chin down to Logan shoulder, all the while keeping his eyes on that baby in Kendall's arms, Carlos stroking his fingertips through its already thick, dark hair.

It was about a month before James offered to move in with Logan and he couldn't believe he'd even waited that long. Logan's parents had only stayed in LA a week before they had to fly back to Minnesota. Since then, someone had stopped by his apartment every day when they could. But while Logan was allowed a leave of absence from school due to the tragedy and Camille's dad was doing what he could to help with the baby, the rest of them didn't quite get that freedom from their commitments. James still had an album to prepare for, Kendall was playing hockey in Fresno, and although Carlos had the most time on his hands as a preschool teacher and was doing most of Logan's errands as well as coming over to watch the baby at times so Logan could get some shut eye, he still wasn't totally able to spend a lot of time over there.

James was spending more time with Logan than he suspected he spent at the studio at this point, not only at his apartment, but he had forced Logan to lunch every Saturday since the baby was born, just to get him out. It was on the fourth lunch out that James finally made the offer.

Logan seemed to be having trouble just staying awake at the table in the restaurant as James wiggled a stuffed Spider-Man at Cam, making him giggle.

Cam. Cameron. That was what Logan had named the baby. And nobody asked why, but they didn't really need to, either.

James let Cam grab the stuffed toy from him and made a face as he watched the cloth hand go immediately into his mouth in a flurry of slobber. Nothing quite whets the appetite… he thought as he turned back to his salad and watched Logan surreptitiously over the table. He'd barely touched his food, as he'd done every lunch they had together, and the dark circles under his eyes were almost worse, James thought. He also wasn't quite shaving regularly and it was more or less adding to this very sad appearance. James sighed past a bite of lettuce. "Logan, I've been thinking," he said, and Logan perked up a little, blinking as he tried to focus his eyes on James, though he still seemed sort of dazed. James tried not to be upset that Logan didn't make a comment about his "thinking" being bound to hurt him or something.

"Maybe I should move in with you," James said, deciding to skip the preface. Cam squealed particularly loud and James cringed a little, but he realized he'd been shirking his duties and took the stuffed Spider-Man again, returning to waving it absentmindedly at the baby, but his attention was still focused on Logan. Who didn't seem like he'd heard the question as he frowned confusedly across the table. James was just about to restate the question as he felt the stuffed Spidey snatched from him again and he was refocused on Cam. Splitting his attention was hard…

As James was raising his eyebrows at Cam, earning a fit of giggles (James was figuring out that the baby liked his face—but who didn't?), Logan sighed and slumped a little, rubbing his temple. "James… that's… a really kind offer, but…" he said, biting his lip as he stared down at his light sandwich. The crust had been nibbled off some.

James huffed and sat back in his chair, crossing his arms. "But what? You don't have an excuse not to let me, Logan," he argued. "You look like hell." Logan frowned at him disapprovingly and he corrected himself with, "Sorry, you look like heck." Not that a baby could really pick up on that at a month old, but whatever. "Anyway, listen, please," he continued, leaning forward on his elbows and he was glad to actually have Logan's eye contact. But he figured Logan was probably just too tired to argue anymore. "You're hardly sleeping, you've probably dropped twenty pounds since Cam was born, and you can't even get out of your house when you need to. What's going to happen when you need to start taking classes again? I know you, you aren't going to leave Cam with a daycare." Logan broke his gaze, squeezing his eyes shut and rubbing his temple again. James watched him for a moment before asking a little hesitantly, "…you aren't thinking of dropping out, are you?"

Logan didn't respond right away and that made James frown until he pushed his hand back through his hair with a long sigh. "No, I'm not," Logan said. "…but I was thinking I might not be able to finish the semester. My parents said they'd understand and, I mean, it's med school, and before—we thought this would be okay, with school and all, between Camille and I together, it was going to work, but now…" He trailed off, his voice getting thick and James could hear the exhaustion in it as he let his head fall forward, his hands going up into his hair.

Cam was screeching again and Logan made that automatic jerk to pick him up, but it dissolved into laughter, the self-amused sound James realized Cam was good at. James had never realized babies could have so much personality before he met Logan and Camille's.

He grabbed for Logan's hand, unable to stop himself at this point, and looked him dead in the eye, serious. "You need help, Logan. And I don't mean the little bit here and there Carlos and I have been able to do." Logan looked away again and James yanked on his hand to get his attention back. "Let me help."

Logan kept James' gaze, but broke it again to look at the baby. "You… you have an album to work on, James…"

James shook his head. "Gustavo said we'll work something out. He understands."

"The fans—" Logan tried, but James cut him off.

"You know you've—all of you—have always been more important to me than the fans," he said evenly.

Logan was quiet again for a little while as he watched Cam chew on his Spider-Man. He was thinking. Hard, James could tell. He knew that expression too well. And the fact that he didn't take his hand out of James' was telling to his state of mind.

Just when James was about to try and make his case again, Logan whispered, "…okay," and slipped his hand from James'. He picked up his sandwich and took a bite, looking past James and out the window.

James raised an eyebrow. "…really?" It just seemed too easy.

Logan nodded as he continued to eat. "You're right. I'm… I'm crashing really bad. And, I mean, if you're sure it isn't going to interfere with the album…" He breathed a short laugh and added, "And if you're sure you can handle it. Cam picks the best times of night to start crying." He took a drink of water and James couldn't help smiling. As light and brief as that laugh had been, it was the most he'd heard from Logan in too long.

"Well…" James said with a bright grin. "I'll pack some things after this and come over tonight, then!" He then turned his wide smile on Cam and tugged the doll out of his grasp only to bring it up to his face to give him a tiny Spidey kiss on his nose. "I'm gonna come live with you, buddy!"

James found out pretty quickly that Logan couldn't let Cam out of his sight for more than six seconds without panicking. Even if James was just holding him in the living room while Logan warmed a bottle in the kitchen, he had to look in every few moments "just to make sure." And James knew it was the fact that Logan had lost Camille that he didn't want to let Cam too far from him for too long. He figured there was something in there. Logan always felt responsible for everything, of course, so he took responsibility in letting his wife get too far out of grasp and couldn't let the same happen to his son. It sort of broke James' heart to know that Logan felt responsible at all for what happened to Camille. It was out of his control. But, then again, Logan had always felt the need to keep the world on its axis, even if it was doing everything it could to fly off.

Cam even slept in Logan's bed, and while James knew that was pretty normal for new parents (well, Kendall told him it was pretty normal) it was still odd to peek in the room at night and see this huge bed meant for a happy couple with just Logan and a tiny baby. It was strangely incomplete.

What was funny (in the way that James didn't actually find it that funny at all) was that James was sleeping where Cam belonged, in the nursery. There was a small twin bed in there and it was nothing compared to the large, cushy mattress at James' penthouse, but he'd decided to make sacrifices for Logan and he wasn't about to complain. He just had a ton of adjusting to do before things were going to feel normal here.

But Logan hadn't been kidding when he told James it would be quite a lot of work living with him. Not only did Cam cry in the middle of the night, he ate all the time and pooped even more. And James could never just let Logan take care of it every time. He was here to help, dammit, and he was going to do his best to do just that.

The first time he needed to warm up a bottle, he had to call Carlos for help, unwilling to admit to Logan that he didn't know how, but he did it and got Cam fed before helping himself to any lunch, demanding that Logan eat something himself. He cringed through dirty diapers and always wore gloves and a surgical mask, but he got it done. And when Cam started screaming at 1AM, James hurried out of the nursery and into Logan's room to get the baby out of the bed before Logan could even get up.

"James, you don't have to…" Logan started, sitting up in bed groggily and rubbing his eyes.

James cradled Cam close to him with one arm and gently pushed Logan back down with his free hand. "Shh, lay back down, I got it," he assured him, knowing full well that Logan would be immediately back to sleep once his head touched the pillow. Sure enough, Logan couldn't even keep his eyes open to fight James after about three seconds.

James hesitated there for a moment, watching him sleep, and pushed his hand lightly through Logan's hair. Even exhausted, James loved how calm Logan looked when he slept. Not stressed, not restless, not paranoid—he almost looked like the boy James had grown up with, not this sleepless father he'd come to know.

But he didn't linger long. Cam was still crying and James didn't want it to wake Logan again, so he scurried into the kitchen, holding the baby against his shoulder as he heated a bottle on the stove. He offered soothing shushes between his yawns, but they didn't do much. When he finally had a warm bottle, he sat at the kitchen table and tried sticking it in Cam's mouth, but he wasn't having it. James scowled in frustration and tried again, but every time, the bottle was just pushed back out by a wiggling tongue.

"Ugh, come on, Cam, work with me," James growled under his breath, dripping some of the formula on his wrist like Carlos had told him to in order to test the temperature. It was hardly over lukewarm, so he sighed and tried again, trying to push the nipple past tiny unyielding lips.

If James had still been a teenager, he might have let his impatience get the better of him and ended up yelling. 18-year-old James was not great with babies—well, 23-year-old James wasn't awesome at it, either, but he at least had more patience and the common sense not to yell at a baby.

After almost five minutes of fighting Cam with the bottle, though, James was beginning to get to the end of his rope. "Why," he started, voice forced light in a sing-song voice, "won't you just take the goddamn bottle?" Suddenly, and James thought it must have been some kind of miracle, but in a short gasp and a wave of unreal silence, Cam took the bottle and sucked for a few seconds before he stopped, pushing it out again and resuming his crying.

James stared with wide eyes. "What? No! No, take it again!" he cried desperately, urging the rubber end into Cam's mouth.

"Sing again." James jumped a bit and saw Logan standing there in the kitchen doorway with a thoughtful frown.

"What?" James looked between Logan and the baby and Logan again.

Logan waved his hands impatiently. "Before, you sounded like you were singing, you sort of sang that at him, sing something again," he spat out in a fast string of breath as he came to the table and pulled up a chair next to James, turning it to face him.

It took James a second, but he got the idea and scrambled for something to sing. Finally, he just sang another command in a made-up melody. "Please, you loud screaming creature…" He held out the note as he caught Logan's frown and quickly amended, lifting Cam a little more in his arms and poking the bottle at his lips, "Who… we love so much, just drink your smelly drink stuff and stop crying so Daddy—and James can go back to sleeeeep…"

And it was almost like magic (really, James thought maybe his voice actually was magical) the way Cam shut up immediately, taking the nipple in his mouth and sucking graciously. Logan gaped for a few seconds, then waved his hands excitedly, bouncing a little in his chair. "Don't stop, don't stop! James! Keep singing!"

James rocked Cam a little with a squinted look at Logan as he kept singing his words. "Aaand I bet you didn't know your daddy sings, too, and was in a band and everything and I bet you'd like it if he sang to you insteaaad."

Logan gave one of those disapproving frowns with his eyes shifted up to James. "Stop that… you know I haven't sung in forever."

"And you know I don't caaare…" James kept singing. He gave Logan a mischievous grin before continuing on slowly, hoping Logan wouldn't be able to resist. "Any kind of guy you want—" He glanced down at Cam, staring up at him with wide, fascinated eyes, and James realized this was probably the first time he was hearing someone sing live. He grinned wide and tilted the baby back slightly in his arms, adjusting his hold on the bottle. "Any kind of guy you want, Cam, that's the guy I'll be, turn myself upside-down—"

"Yes, I will, yes, I will." James looked up excitedly to find Logan with this sheepish grin and scooting forward to lean over Cam. "Any kind of guy you want, Cam, you know I'll agree, turn your whole world around…"

It may have been past one in the morning, but James felt awake and alive and just elated. He hadn't seen Logan smile or chuckle like this in so long, hadn't seen him looking so actually joyful, that it made James actually laugh from the light feeling in his chest. Logan looked away from Cam to make a face at James, but at least he was still smiling. "What?"

James shook his head. "Nothing, nothing. Just keep singing before he starts up again," he said, and then picked the song back up where Logan had left. Logan rejoined him after a second.

They stumbled over laughter through the whole song, and then a couple others, all the while holding Cam's captivated attention, until slowly, so slowly, his eyes closed and his mouth fell open, tongue hanging over his bottom lip slightly. James watched with mild intrigue, smiling. He never thought he'd really like babies before. They were loud and boring and messy, but Cam? He liked Cam. There was so much of Logan in him. His big, brown eyes, expressive eyebrows, thick, dark hair… And Camille, too. Even at a month old, James was reminded of her every time Cam smiled or laughed.

Logan sighed and James looked up finally to see him rubbing at his eyes tiredly. "I thought I told you to go back to sleep…" he said, keeping his voice low. The wrong pitch could wake Cam up again.

Logan chuckled again, but it was more just tired than anything now. "Yeah, and I don't think you know how impossible it is to sleep through your own baby's crying," he replied just as quietly, and sat forward to take Cam from James' arms. James may have tensed just a little bit before handing the baby over to his dad. Not only was he maybe enjoying holding him, but he wanted Logan to get some actual sleep at some point.

"Maybe… maybe you should let Cam sleep in his crib. Get some more rest," James suggested. He was met instantly with an icy look from Logan, but maybe it had actually been James' imagination, his expectation, because it melted over quickly as Logan looked down to the baby in his arms, rocking him just barely.

"Uhm… it's fine. He's… he's fine in my bed. It's okay," Logan said hurriedly as he stood, starting out of the kitchen like he couldn't kill this discussion fast enough. He stopped to turn back to James momentarily and said, "You can just put what's left of that bottle in the fridge." And then he was off back to his bedroom before James had a chance to add anything else.

James sighed and slumped back in his chair, staring off after Logan the way he'd gone. All he wanted was for Logan to feel better again, at least a little bit. Of course, he knew Logan would never fully recover—who would? But he thought maybe if Logan got some decent sleep, not just an hour or so at a time, he'd start being more like himself again. He'd start being the Logan James had just been singing with moments earlier.

Eventually, James got up, put the bottle away, shut off the kitchen light, and went to bed in a room that was intended for a child.

It wasn't til Cam was almost four months old that James saw Logan sleep—really sleep. It was sudden, but heavy, and James was scared for about half a second that Logan had actually died.

James had been sitting on the floor with Cam in the living room, trying to get him up on his knees with words of encouragement—so what if Cam didn't understand a word he said? He'd learned in the last couple months living with Logan that it had a lot to do with tone. James was surprisingly better at it than Logan, who just could not perfect that cooing baby voice. He constantly tried speaking to Cam like he did adults and couldn't seem to grasp the right tone. James, however, was beginning to think it was actually easier to speak to Cam than it was to talk to most adults.

"Come 'ere, Cam! Come on, buddy, you can do it!" James cooed across the floor, trying to get the child to crawl from the couch to where he was at the TV. It wasn't a terrible distance, but still enough to apparently be a challenge.

"He's a baby, James, not a dog…" Logan chastised through a yawn. "Besides, he won't be able to crawl for another… three months or so." Not surprisingly, correcting James' behavior and yawning were the two things Logan did most often. He was sitting on the couch, or laying on it, really, reading a textbook; he'd decided to actually take the rest of the semester off, but he'd be returning in the fall. Apparently, this was a big deal in medical school, but James didn't know anything about that.

All he knew was that since his album had dropped, he was dreading the announcement of his summer tour, something he'd always been excited about before, even back during BTR. But this time, the tour didn't only mean leaving his friends, it meant not seeing Cam for weeks at a time and to say James had grown attached was an understatement. He hated having to come home late from the studio to find Logan and Cam both already asleep in bed. Some nights he'd just stay up in the kitchen until Cam's crying began. And Logan was becoming more and more comfortable with James coming in to take Cam when he started screaming. And, boy, could he scream. He certainly had his parents' combined lung capacity.

But, still, Logan slept fitfully. Even if James didn't know from looking in on him every single night to see him curled protectively around that baby like he was the only thing that mattered in the world, it was more than evident in the darkness under Logan's eyes and early lines on his face.

So it was understandable why James had to stop and stare when he noticed the way Logan had settled down on the couch and was soon breathing deeply, not one disturbed movement in his body, just the slow rise and fall of his chest where his textbook now sat.

James raised an eyebrow at Cam and was met with a toothless, drooly smile. He secretly hoped that one day Cam would raise his eyebrow back and so he kept doing it whenever the time was appropriate. So far, he'd only gotten a lot of clueless smiles and giggles, but that was fine, too.

"Daddy's asleep," he whispered, crawling the rest of the distance to Cam near the couch. Logan continuously told James that Cam would never learn to crawl like James wanted if he constantly came to him instead of making him cover the distance himself, but James was never a good listener. He picked Cam up, holding him with one arm as he stood, ready to take the baby into the nursery and hopefully leave Logan with some peace and quiet for once. Between James and Cam, he didn't get much of that anymore.

James slipped his cell phone out of his pocket with his free hand and sighed heavily at the text from Kelly that waited there. He knew it was his job, his career, and he loved it more than anything—well, it was right up there with Logan and Cam at this point—but when he was so preoccupied and so invested in this baby, he sometimes just wanted to forget he was a pop star and pretend he was something else instead.

…a father, maybe.

Discussing tour details with execs at 3. You should really be there. James glanced up at the clock. It was two now, and he knew he should come to this meeting. These suits were deciding his future, after all. He probably ought to have a say in it.

He looked sideways at Cam, who was currently trying to grab James' phone out of his hand. He knew he should attend this meeting, but Logan was sleeping so hard and peacefully on the couch… James would hate himself for waking him up. There was another option, though, one that allowed Logan to sleep and James to make it to his meeting.

The car seat was still in James' car from their trip to the grocery store the previous day and Cam's travel bag was always together thanks to Logan's paranoia—Logan called it preparedness. James loaded the baby in the car, tossed his bag in the seat next to him, and started for the studio, hoping Gustavo wouldn't mind James bringing a plus-one to the meeting.

...

Kelly was overjoyed to see Cam and although Gustavo pretended to be annoyed with James, even he couldn't hide his smile as Kelly forced the baby into his arms.

Until, of course, Cam spat up a little on his designer hoodie, and then he was absolutely done with the whole baby deal, forcing him off back to his assistant and retreating with a disgusted noise to the conference room. Kelly wiped Cam's mouth with his bib as James dug a rag out of his bag.

"How'd you get him out of the house?" she asked, tickling under his chin. It was rather convenient, James thought, how Cam seemed to have inherited Camille's overall friendliness and charisma. He was never unwilling to be held or talked to by a stranger. He simply loved attention, that was all. But, then again, James figured that was probably part of what made Logan such a paranoid parent.

"What do you mean?" he asked with an amused frown. "I picked him up and we left." How else did anyone get anything out of anywhere?

Kelly rolled her eyes. "I mean, how did Logan let you take him? Is he with you?" She glanced down the hall, possibly expecting Logan to come around the corner from parking the car or something.

"Oh, no. He's asleep," James explained, finally finding that burp rag and dabbing at Cam's mouth, who tried to lick it. James whispered a "gross" under his breath with a chuckle. Honestly, he loved this kid, but he was finding out that babies were, by nature, disgusting.

Kelly looked worriedly at James for a moment, then turned her attention back on Cam, bouncing him a little. "Uhm… James… you brought Cam here while Logan is asleep? Is he alright with that?"

James just raised an eyebrow. "Why wouldn't he be? Cam's with me, Logan trusts me. It's okay."

Kelly opened her mouth to say something else, but Gustavo was at the door of the conference room, shouting out to them, "Hey, ladies! Can we get this meeting started or are you two still preoccupied with the barf machine?" Then he stalked back into the room.

James couldn't do anything else but shrug at Gustavo's comment, unaffected, as he took Cam back from Kelly and followed her into the conference room. Gustavo just stared at James as he took a seat on the side of the big table, settling Cam on his knee, and James met his gaze stubbornly, a trick he'd known his whole life, but perfected with Gustavo by years of watching Kendall do it.

"That," Gustavo said, pointing at the baby. "Is not staying in here."

James raised an eyebrow and bounced his knee slightly, making Cam laugh, but then he gurgled a little and James thought better of the motion. "Yes, he is."

"No, he isn't!" Gustavo nearly bellowed, and James frowned at him, wrapping an arm around Cam protectively. When Kelly smacked him in the chest with a handful of files, he shifted ashamedly, but not enough not to add, "Don't you have a babysitter or something?"

James shook his head. "Nope."

Gustavo bristled, but Griffin was at the head of the table—still. James wondered when this dude would die.—and he announced, "Let him stay." Then, with that scary smile towards James as he leaned back in his chair, "I like babies."

With a side of fava beans… James thought and frowned, holding Cam a little tighter.

"Fine," Gustavo ceded. "Let's get this meeting started."

And it was the most boring meeting of James' life. Though every meeting James attended was the most boring meeting of James' life. Even if Cam hadn't been there, he wouldn't have paid much attention. Meetings were the worst. They lasted for hours and no one ever took James' opinion into account.

But at least he had Cam with him for this one to keep him company and offer entertainment. James wasted most of his time playing with Cam, making him scream in laughter to interrupt the meeting or whispering snide remarks to him as if he could actually understand, but James only really did it to annoy Gustavo across the table. Kelly at least was amused. She kept smiling at James with this fond look, almost proud, if James wasn't mistaken, but he wasn't great at reading expressions.

Eventually, though, Cam passed out in James' arms with a pacifier in his mouth, and James sighed in slight disappointment. He'd been in the meeting for at least an hour, probably longer, and that was when he finally pulled out his cell phone, which he'd silented before they started. He frowned at the screen, though, noticing over 20 missed calls from Logan and even more texts. There were also texts and missed calls from both Kendall and Carlos.

He licked his lips thoughtfully and glanced up and down the table for a moment. Finally, he adjusted Cam in his arm and excused himself with the reason being that the baby needed changing. No one argued, so he stepped out into the hallway and called Logan.

"Where are you?" was the first thing he heard when Logan answered the phone, and it was much less of a question and more of a demand.

James blinked at the sharpness of it and replied carefully, "At the studio… I had a meeting…"

"Where's Cam?" Logan asked, his words overlapping James' impatiently.

"He's with me," James answered. "Logan, is everything okay? Are you all right?"

"We'll talk about this later. Just come home. Now." And then Logan hung up without another word, leaving James to frown confusedly at his phone. However, he then realized Cam did, in fact, need a change and hurried to the bathroom with the diaper bag in tow.

When James got home with Cam asleep in the car seat, Logan was waiting outside the building, watching for James' car. His arms were crossed and his leg was shaking in anticipation of their arrival. James frowned, watching Logan walk briskly to the car. He tore open the back door and James turned in his seat to watch him wordlessly unstrap Cam's car seat and take it out, slamming the door behind him.

James hurriedly unbuckled and got out of the car, running after Logan up to the building. "Logan! Logan, wait!" he shouted as he caught up, but Logan halted and turned on him immediately to point warningly, causing James to come to a quick stop.

"Don't," was all he said, voice low and dangerous. James frowned, shaking his head confusedly. He didn't understand. What reason did Logan have to be so angry? Angrier than James had seen him in so many years, even. After a moment of just staring hard at James, Logan turned back around and continued into the building's lobby. James followed to the stairs.

"Why are you so angry?"James asked in a hushed tone as they passed their neighbor's doors. Those poor people already had to hear enough of Cam crying at night, they didn't need James' and Logan's added noise as they argued in the hallway.

Logan didn't respond, but instead stopped on the stairs and turned to gape at James. He moved his mouth like he was going to talk, but just ended up clenching his teeth and growling. It definitely seemed like he wouldn't be able to speak without screaming as loud as he could, so it was probably a good thing that he just turned back around and continued up to their third-floor apartment. James kept his mouth shut the rest of the way until he was following Logan inside.

The apartment was dark, the only light coming from an end table lamp next to the couch. It was already dark out, but the large east-facing window wouldn't have allowed much sunlight anyway. James didn't like the apartment so dim, it was hard on his eyes, so he reached for the light switch, but as soon as he turned on the living room lights, they were out again, Logan hitting the switch much harder than was necessary. Without a word, he stalked down the hallway towards his bedroom with Cam.

James lingered in the dark living room for a few seconds, watching after Logan, before dropping onto the couch. Logan wouldn't go to bed without coming back to scold James in some way for whatever it was he was angry about, he knew that much. It wasn't like Logan to go without telling James off.

He considered turning on the TV while he waited. Surely Logan would take his time fussing over the baby before he came back. But it wasn't like there was much to worry about. James had made sure he'd eaten, been changed, taken care of everything while they were out. Logan always seemed to assume James couldn't do things correctly with Cam, and maybe he had a right to think that as a parent, but it didn't make it any less annoying. Or insulting.

Just as predicted, Logan was back in a matter of minutes, stalking into the living room silently. He stood still in the hall entryway for a good long time just staring at James like his line of sight would bore straight through him if he held it long enough. James met his gaze steadily, stubborn in the idea that he hadn't done anything wrong, but started to feel his resolve crumble when he began to think Logan wasn't even blinking.

Logan spoke first, his voice quiet as he came to the coffee table and started straightening it up even though it was already neat. "What made you think that was okay, James?" James just watched Logan's hands unnecessarily straighten a stack of magazines on the coffee table before he looked up with a frown.

"Think what was okay?" he asked carefully, because James just wasn't seeing the big problem here. He knew that when Logan got angry, he was a gale wind ready to blow everything out of his way, but James didn't enjoy being scolded for no reason. In fact, he didn't enjoy being scolded at all, considering he was a grown man, but that was just a factor of living with Logan. You got scolded regularly.

Logan suddenly slammed the stack of magazine down on the table without warning and James jumped with widened eyes. "You can't just take my child and leave while I'm asleep, James!" he grinded through gritted teeth, clearly trying to keep his volume down. There was a sleeping baby a room over, after all.

"I—I wanted you to get some rest," James said in his defense, sitting forward on the couch. "You never sleep anymore and I just thought—"

"No! You didn't!" Logan bit back, his voice growing a little stronger and he took a breath as he stood up straight. "You didn't think, James, you never think, you never have." He began pacing the floor anxiously, his hands going up to his hair in stress. "How did it not occur to you that I wouldn't be alright with that? Waking up to an empty apartment? Huh?" He stopped and faced James, his eyes wild, his hair more of a mess than before now as he dropped his hands.

James' lips tightened. He didn't want to admit it, but Logan was right. He really hadn't thought it through to how Logan would react when he woke up without a note or anything. And then James hadn't been able to answer his phone through that whole meeting… He finally had to let his eyes fall away from Logan, to his hands clasped between his knees where he sat. After a long moment where he could feel Logan's expectant gaze on him, he said, "I'm sorry."

"Sorry doesn't cut it, James!" Logan snapped back immediately, and it was an obvious struggle for him to keep his voice down. "I freaked! You have no idea what was going through my mind."

"Look, I'm sorry!" James looked back up, throwing his hand out in frustration. "I don't know what else you want me to do! I took Cam out of the house so you could get some sleep. Nothing bad happened, so let it go, okay? Christ." James couldn't help his frustration. His intentions had been good, they'd both come home safely, and yet he was still being yelled at like he was sixteen again.

Logan stared in astonishment at being spoken back to so insolently. "…are you kidding?" he asked slowly, his tone flat. "'Let it go,' James? 'Let it go?'" He paused and James met his gaze evenly, making his best attempt not to show any sign of backing down. "I had no clue where you were, James. I had no clue where my son was. I called Carlos, he hadn't heard from you. Hell, I called Kendall! In Fresno! I was panicking! I almost left here to search the whole goddamn city for you before you finally picked up! How the fuck can you tell me to let it go?"

James held his breath as he waited for the sound of a baby's cries. Logan seemed to realize his mistake after committing it and turned away, facing the hallway in anticipation. They both stood there, stillness clutching them until they weren't even breathing, and it was only after maybe a whole minute of waiting that Logan decided he'd lucked out and sighed heavily, moving to sit in the recliner. James watched him sit down and put his face in his hands, leaning forward on his knees.

He picked at his nails uncertainly as he just examined Logan. This hadn't been James' best plan. It's possible it had been his worst. If he'd just taken a moment to think about it, he would have known that Logan would wake up in a panic when he realized Cam was gone. He'd never been apart from Cam, never, and James had forced the first time without thinking.

"…you aren't Cam's father, James. I am. You can't just make decisions and go with them, he isn't yours, he isn't," Logan said without faltering, much quieter now, but still with an edge to his voice.

That stung. James knew there wasn't much reason for it to, because all it was was the truth, but he'd been helping Logan for so many months now, he felt like Cam was his family and he was Cam's. He hoped Cam saw him that way, too. He hoped he was just as important in Cam's eyes as Logan was, however a baby sees the world, he hoped he was important. And Logan trying to tell him it wasn't the case… that hurt.

Finally, James stood from the couch without noise and said, his voice hardly a whisper, "I'm going to make you some tea, you'll feel better…" trying to mask his disappointment, and started for the kitchen.

As he reached for the light switch, though, Logan leapt up behind him with a hurried, "James! Wait!" but James had already flipped the switch. His eyes immediately went wide.

The kitchen was a disaster. The cabinets were all thrown open and shards of dishes decorated the floor and countertops and table. Ceramic from plates and bowls, clear slivers of juice cups and wine glasses, everywhere, making the entire room a danger zone.

James immediately turned on Logan with wide, disbelieving eyes. "What the hell happened, Logan?"

Logan's gaze was locked on the scene beyond James like he was seeing it for the first time, his mouth open and eyes going a little wet, or maybe they'd been damp from his tirade before and James hadn't noticed, but either way, he just looked tired and entirely upset by what he was looking at. He just stared for a few moments, then swallowed and shook his head as he brought his eyes back up to James with a small shrug. "…I panicked."

James gestured past the doorway. "And took it out on the glassware? Holy crap, Logan! This is a disaster!"

Logan's breathing began to quicken as he looked again into the kitchen and James felt his stomach turn a little as he realized Logan was on the brink of tears. Whether it was the shame of his own extremely childish fit he'd apparently thrown while James was gone or something else, James wasn't sure, but he just started shaking his head as his eyes began to get foggy.

"I… I had no idea where you were… where Cam was and… and I… I went for some water and—a—and I didn't even think—I mean, as soon as the glass was in my hand, I just… I threw it at the wall." Logan emulated the motion in a jerk of his arm and a tear or two fell out of his eyes, though he was struggling to keep it from happening. He shook his head more, squeezing his eyes shut in an effort to stop the tears. James wasn't sure if he should try to help or not, so he just hovered where he was in the kitchen doorway, watching with concern, but also confusion.

"Do you know… how many fatal car wrecks there are in Los Angeles each day?" Logan asked, finally opening his eyes again. He paused, and James shook his head. "Two-hundred and fifty-nine. Two-thousand children go missing a day. Insane people with guns go into business and malls and schools all the time."

"But Logan," James interrupted, stepping forward to put his hands on Logan's shoulders. "None of that happened.

Logan immediately shook him off and hurried past James into the kitchen saying in a strained voice, "But it could have! It might have!" James made a grab for Logan's arm as he stepped on glass, hearing it crack like a chandelier in the wind, but Logan swatted at his hand, turning to face him when he was right in the middle of the kitchen, surrounded by sharpness on all sides and James couldn't help but tense up, watching Logan carefully. He'd stopped trying to fight the tears and as fast as he was breathing and talking, it looked like he might go into hysterics. He gestured around him at the glass as if that explained it all. "I couldn't stop thinking about it!" he gasped, tears streaming, turning to torrents, reminding James of that day almost four months ago—Logan would be able to tell him exactly how many days, but James tried not to think about it.

James stepped tentatively onto the glass-scattered floor, grateful that neither of them had removed their shoes at the door. "Logan…"

But he just barreled on, struggling not to scream and yell, choking past tears. "I couldn't stop imagining terrible things, couldn't turn my brain off, you and Cam, something happening to one of you or both of you and I didn't know where you were or how to find you—what if something happened and I couldn't find you?"

Before this, James had never really seen what a toll Camille's death had taken on Logan. He was so frightened to lose someone else important in his life that his mind ran rampant with horror when there was any possibility he might not see them again. Even now, as he grabbed at his hair and shut his eyes tightly, James could see his brain twisting and turning over the different scenarios, building terrible stories of lost children and mangled vehicles.

James took another step and Logan didn't stop him this time, just stood there, taking in deep breaths that came out in long, shuddering exhales, and although his eyes were still scrunched shut, they continued to stream lines of tears down his cheeks. James touched his arm, just barely, and it was like a blow. Logan fell onto his knees, shaking with sobs, and fear immediately gripped James at the sight of Logan kneeling here among all this glass. Logan had always been somewhat wary of the world and James saw now just how it broke him to lose the person most dear to him.

He carefully kneeled next to Logan and without hesitation, wrapped an arm around his chest, drawing him in close. Logan didn't fight, he simply slumped his shoulder into James' chest and collapsed against him. His hands found James' arm across his chest and he clutched onto it tightly, nails digging into his skin, but James knew better than to react in pain. He knew his place was to comfort Logan now, remind him that he was alive and safe and well, that they all were, and holding him was a promise that he would never fuck up this badly again.

Soon, though, the fact that Logan was sitting on broken glass began to really make James nervous and he pushed to his feet, tugging on Logan gently to help him do the same. "Come on, buddy… let's go to the living room, okay?"

Logan sniffed, still unable to really get his breathing under control, but nodded and allowed James to pull him up. James leaned over to brush carefully at Logan's knees and he was so glad he was wearing jeans and the glass shards were a little too small to really cut through. He took Logan by the arm, guiding him back out of the accident-waiting-to-happen that was their kitchen and into the living room to sit on the couch. He asked in a low voice if Logan was hurt and Logan just shook his head without a verbal response. James wanted his voice, not a shake of his head, but he accepted what he was given and just held on to Logan's arm protectively as they sat there.

It was a few minutes before Logan seemed to calm down enough to even out his breaths. He sniffed and pulled his sleeve across his face, wiping his nose and eyes, and for a moment, James saw less of a grown man, a father, and more of a little boy playing house. Maybe Logan had never been ready for this, even when he was supposed to have Camille. Maybe he was still just too young.

"I… I should go to bed…" Logan whispered, his voice drowning under tears that were just beginning to end, but he didn't get up to move. James moved his hand from Logan's arm to his back, rubbing lightly across his shoulders to ease out any more crying that needed to go. After a minute, Logan looked down at his hands in his lap, and said, "You… you're always here, James… I know when I panicked it was… it was a little over-the-top, but… you're always here. I didn't know what to do when I woke up and you weren't."

James frowned slightly. What did that mean? He wasn't always here. Sometimes, he was at the studio working, or out getting food, or hanging out with Carlos. Of course, he was home as much as he could manage, but he wasn't always, so it was a mystery to him what Logan meant by the statement that he was "always here."

Then he thought back on the 20 missed calls, the countless unanswered text messages, two hours where he'd been completely off the grid, out of touch, where Logan couldn't reach him when he really needed to. And he felt entirely filled with guilt. It wasn't just the fear of what could happen to them, it was the first time James hadn't been within reaching distance of Logan, and he hated himself a little bit.

Without thinking about it, James stretched his arm across Logan's shoulders and pulled him into his side again. Logan obligingly slumped against him, letting his head rest on James' shoulder. Tonight was probably the closest Logan had been to another person since James had hugged him months ago in the hospital room with the empty bed and that killed James a little. He would have been closer, would have touched more, if he'd thought it was okay.

Even now he didn't think it was really all that alright. But Logan needed it, it seemed, and James was never someone to say no when Logan needed him.

It couldn't have been more than a minute or two before James felt Logan get a touch heavier against him, leaning more of his weight into James' side. He adjusted slightly to see that Logan's eyes had dropped shut and his lips were slack. James just stayed like that for almost ten minutes, just letting Logan relax into him and rest himself. He still looked so small and sad, even while he slept, maybe even more so considering he'd cried himself to sleep, and James wasn't even aware people were capable of doing that after 16 or so. Or after they moved to LA and became hard.

But Logan never hardened. His heart stayed soft and malleable and full of love that turned to concern that turned to panic that turned to broken glass. James figured the destroyed kitchen was a result of one of those things that he loved about Logan.

When he decided Logan was deep enough in sleep that he wouldn't be jostled easily, James slid his arms around and under him, working to his feet as he lifted his friend with an "oomph." Logan may have seemed small and childlike like this, and James may have been ripped, but he still wasn't easy to carry, even with the way he'd lost muscle mass over the last couple months.

James took Logan to his blackened bedroom and laid him carefully in bed. He slipped Logan's shoes off and threw them into the closet before covering him under the comforter. He stood there and watched Logan's steady breathing until he decided it was just a little too creepy for him to be standing over Logan, at which point he made for the door. However, his eyes landed on Cam in the middle of the bed first.

Maybe it wasn't a good idea. Maybe James needed a little more self-control, some more reservation, but he simply didn't have any. He toed off his own shoes and slipped into the other side of the bed, the side that used to be Camille's. It felt sort of wrong, but what felt right was being able to barely make out Logan's features across the pillows and the feeling of the tiny, bundled weight between them in the bed. James closed his eyes, reminding himself that the kitchen would need a serious rehaul in the morning.

He also reminded himself of Logan's words earlier; "You aren't Cam's father." And the memory ached. But when it seemed like Logan was doing his best to play pretend, James felt confident that he could do the same.