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Assuming Direct Control

"Shepard, we've got a problem."

"Is this the type of problem where I've got to scan another planet?"

"No, it's-..."

"Or where I've got to go on another side mission that has nothing to do with our war against the Reapers and seems out of place?"

"No, actually-..."

"Or do I have to scan the Keepers again? Seriously Hackett, I've got...oh."

Oh was a lovely word. One syllable, two letters and easily understood by aliens even without the use of a universal translator. And it was a word that showed the universe that Shepard had come to his senses in that a) he was talking to a superior, b) it was an important mission and c) all the Keepers had been scanned three years ago.

"We are out of probes though..." the admiral admitted. "And the Fourth Fleet just took Uranus, but...anyway, we've got a more important job for you."

"I'm all ears...though it better be important, because I've done so many jobs already I feel like I'm maxed out on my experience."

They were strange words, and Hackett's gaze showed his perplexion. And all in all, Shepard couldn't blame him. One moment he was kicking arse, taking names and saving the galaxy, actually turning the tide of the war against the Reapers. The next...well, when Liara had asked him about their new prothean squad member, he'd told her to hold off, because of spoilers. And it had all started since his last encounter with Harbinger.

Had it assumed direct control? Or was there something else afoot?

"As we're both aware, this ship had a close encounter with Harbinger," Hackett began, showing that things had just got serious by pacing around. And weird, considering that Shepard was seeing some kind of wheel with words attached to it phase in and out of existence. "Usual stuff of course...organic life is doomed, we're your salvation through destruction-..."

"Does this have a point sir?"

"Don't interrupt me Shepard, I'm monologuing," Hackett snapped. He then blinked. "I'm monologuing..."

"Yeah...I know," the commander murmured. "And the only reason I interrupted was because of some flashing icon I saw."

"Dear God...the madness is spreading..." the admiral whispered. He turned back to Shepard. "We may have to move ahead with this mission."

"Which is, sir?"

"Some indoctrination device we've found. Something that assumes direct control over us, more lethally than anything we saw with Sovereign. Something that hinders our ability to function."

"I'm all ears sir. Give me the data."

Shepard waited. Hackett approached. Somewhere in a terminal on the Normandy, spam email was delivered and some fish complained that Kelly Chambers hadn't fed them yet. All horrors, to be sure. But nothing compared to what Shepard saw in the data, on what this new device could mean for organic life.

It was codenamed Kinect.

A/N

Yeah, this joke has been done, and true, this isn't the first time I've poked fun at Kinect. Guess I can go out with a whimper rather than a bang in my last post before Mass Effect 3 is released...right?

Anybody?

Update (18/07/13): Corrected punctuation error.